What's in a name???

Since our first pregnancy, we've had a running list of names we think are cool. Why? Come on, who doesn't want their kid to have a cool name? We're no different!

 

When we got pregnant with Baby Nani, we naturally gravitated to, "what do we call him or her?" The search once again began and because we did not yet know the gender, we were searching for both. However, we've got a couple solid boy names so we really didn't search too hard there.

We've mentioned before that Mayla gave us the name, Nani. We have NO CLUE where she got that from, but Google tells us it means "Grace", so it must be true, and we are running with it. At the time we didn't realize it, but we need an abundance of grace with this pregnancy.

Once we were given the Baby Nani's prognosis in week 12, shortly after finding out the gender, we felt a sense of urgency to give her a name, just in case. Around the 14th or 15th week, Keri was perusing the dark, deep caverns of the world wide web and found a name that she instantly fell in love with. It is... not yet sillies!

Before we decided the name was a go, it was important to us, for some reason, to know the meaning behind the name. I've had multiple times in life where I step back and see God's hand at work and marvel at how he cares for even the smallest things, e.g. names. The name we have chosen for Baby Nani means "yielding to prayer." Well, that settled it, first name done, on to the middle name.

Baby Nani's middle name didn't really take much time, or even thought. Throughout this entire pregnancy, Mayla has had an incredible connection to Baby Nani. And since Mayla provided the womb name, which incredibly means "Grace", so it is, done!

So all that said, I give you... just kidding.

So why are we giving the name you may be asking? Good question! Normally we wouldn't give the name prior to birth because it's something special for our family to hold on to until the proper time. Well this situation is a bit different. There are already a VERY select handful of people that know Nani's name, doctors, nurses, amazing photographer, and a couple others who have asked so they can, out of the kindness of their beautiful and generous hearts, make something special for our special little girl. We decided since the prognosis is grim for Baby Nani, that we want as many to know her as possible, and part of that is her name.

We are super stoked about the coming birth of our precious little girl and we long to call her by name, fact-to-beautiful-God-given-face. We recently had a photo session with a blessed friend of ours and staged some fun photos of her name. All that said, we are excited to share the name of our little girl...

Arabella Nani Ellis

We continuously yield to him in prayer (Arabella) and pray for his grace (Nani) on us and on you as we walk this road together. We also thank you for your continued prayers, encouragement, support, and grace, and we pray that God may bless you through the story and life of Arabella, just as he has us. ~Will

Our hearts feel a little more torn....

....but our hope remains in Him! 

Psalm 42:5 

Why, my soul, are you downcast? 

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, 

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

Our sweet little baby Nani was bringing about some serious smiles today in the ultrasound room by her inability to cooperate. No matter where that little wand (transducer) was put, she was there with a fist, knee, or foot to promptly kick it away. The best was when we actually all watched it happen live on the screen, she took her fist and punched it, almost as if it was a 3d movie, we watched and chuckled. The tech was even having some good laughs! Despite the laughing I was a bit saddened as it's such a huge want of mine to have a good solid pic of her! Part of us has a secret desire that it's God' humor showing through and him not allowing us to 'properly' see little miss, to keep her a mystery till the day she is born. That's where the fine line comes into play, the line that has been there the WHOLE pregnancy. The majority of us that is craving, desiring and dreaming up a miracle, yet the other part of us that needs to prepare somehow, too, for what reality could be! After a light hearted fun ultrasound appointment watching her bounce around on the screen and hear that everything was within 'normal' ranges and celebrating that huge news, we were side swiped by reality meeting with neonatal, a social worker and the bereavement worker from spectrum. Nothing could have prepared me for that meeting!

Being pregnant and having life roll around and punch inside you at the same time you are hearing a doctor discuss starving that life if she was not going to survive is one of the HARDEST emotions to possibly describe! BROKEN! The decisions, the emotions, the thoughts and the numbness were over the top within that small room. ME? US? OUR BABY? REALLY LORD? Nothing made sense, yet I kept hearing over and over......"I am the same yesterday, today and tomorrow" -Hebrews 13:8. God was the same sitting in that meeting as he was before I walked into that meeting! "'For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jer. 29:11. If we knew before we had Mayla that her heart would need fixing, we might not have decided to get pregnant, we did have her and we are thankful! God gives us LIMITED understanding, no knowledge of the future and the ONLY thing he tells us over and over in the bible is he will take care of us! THAT is true and that's what we know!!! That hope is the hope we choose to cling to, no matter the battle that rages! 

There's one thing going on a hospital tour, there's another thing about doing a hospital tour and seeing the room your daughter has a 99% chance of dying in. Yet our hope remains in Him. 

My God is bigger than anencephaly, and he's bigger than us. In the end,we want what he wants!

two separate pics, two separate rejections!!She has her arms/hands totally crossed in front of her face.. 

she knew the paparazzi were trying to sneak in on her..and we fell more in love!!!!

What not to expect when you're expecting...

Three years ago to this day I was surrounded by loving friends, cute little presents all wrapped in sweetness and baby decorations streaming from every corner of the room, it was a baby shower for Mayla. Today I met with a funeral director. One held so many laughs, so many dreams and so much excitement. And the other; lost dreams, a sobering reality, and tears.

It was a day that I knew was coming for months now, but yet one I wanted to run from. Some times I think if I just ignore it, or don't make the phone call, everything will be ok. Our funeral guy just so happens to be my brother in law. At times it's a great connection to have (in an awkward sort of way), other times like tonight, it's the last thing you want it to be. You know that the man sitting across from you is not only discussing these plans for OUR daughter, but yet his future niece. The pain is felt on both sides of the table. His words, guidance and advice held a lot of meaning. I kept wondering if this was really happening, were we really sitting there planning for OUR daughter. I kept trying to remove myself from the situation and think it was someone else we were getting information for, but that only lasted so long before something would make it extremely real and the tears would flow. I clung to Will's arm as the nights cool breeze brushed past us, the warmth of his body felt good next to mine and I was thankful for Him in that dark moment and glad we had each other to lean on during this time.

I've been reading more and more that it's not uncommon for babies with anencephaly to make their entrance early into the world, this coupled with some different things i'm feeling lately has me in a bit of 'go mode'. I'm realizing that everything i've been thinking about and planning for the last couple months really should be crossed of the to do list, no matter how much I hate to do it and tonight was one of those things. The little itty bitty casket that we had just talked to my brother in law about, the one that would hold our daughter, needed to have an outfit go along with it, so tonight was Will and Keri funeral shopping night and it was hard! As one hand fiddled through hangers and outfits, my other hand rested on my bouncing belly. Were we really suppose to be picking out a burial outfit for the jumping, flipping, spinning, vibrant life that was inside me? It seemed impossible. Overall I was holding up ok until I came across a shirt that said, 'little sister'! The tears flowed fast, and as I pulled it off the rack I felt 1000 dreams fly away to a place they will forever stay. I held that shirt and no matter what the price tag said was going to buy it. No matter if she lives 1 day or 1 second, she will be Mayla's little sister and it was worth her having a shirt to celebrate and claim that title! What I was most thankful for tonight, that fact that we made it in and out of every store with out a single person asking me a single question or making a single comment about what was bought, that would have been too much, I was SOO thankful for that answered prayer.

When we had Mayla we always use to joke, and even wrote about it during her birth, that everything we were going through as new parents was in NO baby book. NOTHING prepared us for what we were going through with her, and likewise here we are again. We always talked about writing a book titled, "What not to expect when you are expecting"! We joked about it forever, however we are becoming experts on this subject. We just wanted to fit into a book somewhere, to feel like we were part of the 'norm'. We wanted Part 4, 'After the baby is born' to be a part that pertained to us, but it wasn't then and it won't be now. Our part 4 now is: 1. Have you contacted Hospice 2. Have you made arrangements with the funeral home 3. What will your baby be buried in? 4. What will you tell the toddler at home who is wondering how come the new baby can't come home? and 5. How will you cope?

Overall i'm still feeling pretty energized, and healthy, but just like imagined, things are getting tougher! I'm soooooo looking forward to laying my eyes on this wonderful bundle that has been flipping and flopping and punching and kicking inside me, and has become such a big part of our days, but at the same time what's hard is knowing that birth and death could come in the same day and for that reason I want to stay pregnant. Right now she is protected, thriving and growing, and from what I read, I know that as soon as labor starts, that process is going to go down hill. Labor will follow the same road that the whole pregnancy has, there will be a massive mix of emotions as that day rolls around.

This Friday we FINALLY have our long awaited ultrasound. We are beyond excited to see her, get more pictures, get an update on how she is doing and check my amniotic fluid levels. Combined with this appointment is also an appointment with the neonatal team and a bereavement counselor. It will be a jam packed afternoon filled with an array of emotions that i'm already praying over and would love your prayers for too.

I'm days away from being 33 weeks pregnant and the nursery is still empty, baby clothes from the past that I was eagerly looking forward to using again one day still sit in boxes in the basement. Baby toys and baby bottles still left for the dust to collect in them. Seven weeks to go, and the eager excitement and baby paraphernalia that usually comes with a pregnancy at this stage is non existent. And the pain is deep! I've been reading in Job lately, and that man had a LOT of pain; a LOT of loses and a lot of things that made no sense to him what so ever while he was in the midst of storm after storm after storm. Job realized he only had two choices though: (1) he could curse God and give up or (2) he could trust God and draw strength from him and continue. Despite the heartache, the battles and the storm that rages, I continue to trust God, draw my strength from Him and continue on this path! What tragedy or pain or suffering or misfortunes or loses have you encountered lately? What choice have you made, 1 or 2? My hope and prayer for every single person who reads this is that you know you DO have a choice, that's part of God's huge love plan for us and I pray you choose the 2nd option. And just like you are witnessing in our life that it doesn't necessarily mean less stresses and an easy life, but it does mean more strength as you hold on tight to the one who loves you more than you can comprehend!

We have been loving our family water time this summer

She's so in love with her sister..