Some days turning the page is easy, some days it's crippling. I've heard many times grif is like a rollercoaster ride. When talking with a counselor (just over the phone for a few minutes the other day), was one of the first times in my whole life I actually paused in my thoughts and visualized me being the rollercoaster on the track. And it hit me, I felt it more, I sensed it more, I knew deep down what that saying was all about. Some times I feel as if our rollercoaster is weighted with coal while being stuck at the bottom...just one crank at a time, in slow motion moving forward. Other times it feels as if our rollercoaster is filled with wind, and it's flying about, even stuck at the top as it's not weighted enough to make the descent back down into the valley. Those valley moments are tough, but i'm not alone, even though it's felt like it on more than one occasion. The bible says "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Through Arabella's journey, i'm realizing more and more how important it is to have these truths ingrained in our hearts and minds. I've failed at remembering them, i've failed at recalling them and have been a victim of believing Satan's lies and have had to ask for forgiveness many times, even many times on the same day. I too am a sinner saved by grace. God's grace that I need in my life on a daily basis, without Him I am NOTHING!
Today Mayla had a preschool field trip, social gatherings seem to nerve me up, and make me a bit anxious, part of my new norm' that i'm not really enjoying so much to be honest. I figured this would be ok as it's all outside, not invasive, and I probably wouldn't have to talk to too many of the mommies or daddies. Well I found myself at a table with another mommy I didn't know so Introduced myself. After random small chat and without thinking I asked her if she had other children. She mentioned she also had a 2 year old. While I was busy being jealous that about her having two kids, she asked If I had any others. I froze, my heart started pounding out of my chest, my hands got all sweaty and I bluttered back, no and wanted to run. It was the first time since losing Arabella that I have been asked that question and was so shocked at my answer. I couldn't stop thinking about how I answered her, almost as if I was in denial or it all didn't happen. I felt ashamed and hurt and confused at why I wouldn't have said anything. In typical girl fashion, the conversation played over and over and over in my head and ate me up while we walked through the rest of the orchard. All I could think the whole time was how I wanted to make it up, tell her the truth, but how. How do you go back to someone and tell them you answered their question from an hour ago wrong. Well, just so happened God knew I was going to mess things up and when I was leaving she was in her car next to me. I put Mayla in her seat, giving her a chance to leave her parking spot, she didn't. I close the door and her window was being rolled down, I thanked God as I knew fully he was opening up the door for me to say what I needed to say, and this time I wasn't going to mess up. Praise the Lord for this ladies grace as tears streamed down my cheeks and as I told her the truth. Praise the Lord she didn't start rolling up the window on me, or turn her head in awkwardness. Thank you Thank you sweet stranger lady for listening, understanding and not judging. Thank you for being Jesus with shoes on in a moment when I needed it most! Without Him I am NOTHING!
Today was a day I was looking forward to, but also dreading. Today was our 'orientation' to Ele's place. A healing center for grieving Children. The decision to sign up was both tough and easy in the same breathe. Easy as we have seen some drastic changes in Mayla that scream grief. Tough, as it's a program that NO parent ever wants to have to sign their child up for, and here we were. Entering into the parking lot was tough as Mayla told me, 'me not want to go talk to someone'. It was so cute, but painful, she had no idea what this place was even about as I really never informed her. Have I mentioned this grieving road with a toddler is really really tough and really really beautiful at the same time?! We walked in and when she saw toys her perspective about the place changed rather drastically. We were informed more about the program, filled out some paper work and then walked across the street to a church building where the classes will actually meet. At the same time Mayla is in a group, Will and I will be in a parent group as well. Mayla was stoked and excited to sit in little seats and all the talk about crafts and sand tables and playing that she would be doing. We went into the final room where she will spend the most time and after some discussion while sitting on our matts (well Will and I were sitting quietly while Mayla was bouncing about), the lady asked Mayla if she knew what Ele's place was and then described it to her. She asked Mayla if she knew anyone close to her that has died. Mayla responded right away, "Arabella". She then tucked her head into Will's back, started to cry said, 'me want to go home, mommy me want to go home, we almost done mommy? Can we go home?" My heart broke. My eyes watered the ground where I sat and as she was saying those things, the same old question surfaced that's there frequently, 'Are we some how making things worse or making things better? Is this all too much for her?" As a parent you want to protect your child, but yet help them grow into a mature adult who can make smart choices themselves. I knew deep down this was right where we needed to be, but the pain as so real, so deep and so intense in that moment, I wanted to scoop her up and run out. I knew however that would be the easy way out, to run from it instead of face it. Some times protecting the ones we love, or doing things we think that is protecting is really hurting them in the long run and a mental shift needs to happen. A mental shift happened, and I was thankful for that moment. A moment she was doing JUST what we wanted her to do, show emotion and express her feelings. Without Him I am NOTHING!We drove separate cars to Ele's as Will met us from work, naturally Mayla wanted to ride with Papi in the race car to which I usually completely agree with:) My phone rang as we were almost home and I saw Will's name. I was a little nervous to answer. He informed me that Mayla wanted to go out to eat and didn't want a bath tonight. I informed him that I would agree to the going out to eat (I was TOTALLY drained by now and this sounded like a luxury) however the bath tonight was non-negotiable. We decided on applebee's solely for their dollar something kids meals on Tuesday nights I had just learned about. There are a couple things that are SOOOOOO God about this story I JUST HAVE TO SHARE! One is almost a month ago when I found out about tuesday nights being kids nights, I put tonight on the calendar as 'Applebee's night' so I wouldn't forget, there was NO reason I picked tonight. Well the reminder came and went throughout the day and I never even thought twice about it, only glanced at it, and deleted it. To go to Applebees and just have a relaxing meal with my family was in and of itself a huge gift. We talked about the appointment, we colored with Mayla, we both just dazed, we laughed, it was enjoyable. And then it happened....towards the end of the meal our server came by and informed us our meal had been payed for, and we were all set. Thank you people walking around Applebee's tonight who showed up as Jesus wearing shoes! Thank you for the smiles, the God moment, and the reminder again that this story is not about us, about Arabella, Anencephaly, but it's about God. You were a reminder to me tonight that once again God is EVERYTHING. Without Him I am NOTHING! God cares, God wants to be our all. When live throws you down, and you don't get your way, WHO CARES, God is all that matters, God will be all that matters and God is all that has mattered. He is my All in All, my comforter. "Find rest O my Soul in God alone." Because without Him, I am NOTHING!!!!
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| Loving our Special Family time |
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| Mayla got to pick out a beanie baby while at Ele's place and this was her pick. |
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| I LOVED what it says (even though she is not a march baby, still thought it was cool for our perspective moving forward) "It brings determination and self-confidence! That sounds GREAT to have added into our every day! |
