The beginning days to speech therapy.

BALL, BALL, BALL, MAMAMAMA, P-P-P-PLEASE.......That's my language these days.....along with sticking my tongue out at Mayla (no judging, it's encouraged by the therapist), making fish faces, and kissing her hundreds and hundreds of times with puckered lips...trying to teach her that's MUCH better than the open mouth kisses she insists on giving everyone:) And of course to start working on those lip muscles.

Mayla is amazing, and I fall more in love with her each day...even if she RUNS from me when i'm trying to sit down and go over word books with her, or if she pouts when I make her TRY to say something other than 'eeeeeese'...her word for EVERYTHING! It's cute, and of course EVERY parent would be grateful if the ONLY word exited from their child's mouth is 'Please'...but it has become her 'clutch' go to word and working to reverse that is hard!

A speech therapist from Early On came last week Thursday and Mayla took to Lindsey RIGHT away...it was most likely because she brought some cool toys with her that intrigued Mayla, and don't forget the bubbles she had, anyone that shows up with bubbles will become Mayla's BFF instantly! What was the MOST exciting thing that came out of that session for me....seeing that someone else, a certified therapist, has a hard time working with my daughter as I do. What was relieving, how she would just laugh it off, and allow Mayla to continue on. Lindsey worked with Mayla on different mouth movements; Mayla was NOT a fan and struggled to look at Lindsey as she was only focused on the object Lindsey had...Mayla persistently tried her 'eeeese' word to get what she wanted and when that didn't happen, she would run along! We were laughing...especially upon Mayla's return saying 'EEESE' with a bit more gusto in her voice thinking that would do the trick!

It was fun having Lindsey here, at our home, she coaches me as I interact with Mayla, she gives me activities and assignments to work on with Mayla and she encourages; something one needs if they are in a position of feeling inadequate at times. This is a growing process, and one i'm glad our family is in, but it does not come without challenges. The first and biggest challenge I encounter is Satan trying to beat me up and rob me of my joy. Little thoughts get planted in my head throughout the days that tell me I have failed, and I have let Mayla down. Satan tries to use the world to 'show' me that i'm not a good mother....of course, I KNOW these are all lies, but they come knocking at times....my choice is to NOT open the door to them, but to fight them. The world tries to get me to compare, and what I have just learned from Pastor Jeff Manion is that comparison means focusing on what we lack, or in this case, comparing others to Mayla and what she lacks. The only thing that comes out of it, a joy stealer. Instead of comparing, I try and am determined to focus on what God has given us, and that he knows everything, that means he knows even more than me and he can see things I can't.

Lindsey will be coming once a month for now, they start slow and want to see for now how Mayla progresses with another assessment in June. Once a week we go to a speech play group too, it's more like a free Gymboree session, with playing, singing, dancing and even includes a play parachute. Mayla is being referred next month for a swallow eval at the Children's hospital, we are wondering if all the tubes down her throat early on could have caused some damage, so we are starting there as Lindsey also showed her concern for Mayla's choking/gagging while drinking/eating. She tried to do a hearing test on Mayla, but surprisingly (ha note sarcasm) Mayla didn't cooperate:) She will try once more before sending us to a center for that. It's a lot, and it's challenging and fun at the same time. It's rewarding too....every new sound that comes from Mayla has me JUMPING up and down, my heart racing, my lips smiling and me celebrating what I feel is a milestone and thanking God.

I wish I could record the look on Mayla's face when I utter over and over, mamamamama, dadadadada, she looks at me, grins sheepishly and says with her eyes, 'mom, you sound so funny'! God is paving a way for Mayla and knitting a future for her I can't even begin to imagine.

Gotta love having Cousins that encourage Mayla's sounds along side us. 

Play group with Cousin Kiley, an indoor swing:)

And Mayla's favorite, the ball pit! Thinking about building one in the house:)

Never a dull moment with the Ellis'

As I sat in the big wooden, abundantly used rocking chair, tears rolled down my cheeks as I tried to sing to Mayla just now before nap time. Today was one of those days as a parent, you don't want to experience.

Mayla had an eval with an early on developmental specialist. We have been concerned about her speech, or lack there of for months, and we finally got together with the right person and was able to have an appointment here in the comfort of our home. Mayla roamed about playing with one toy after another while Erin the psychologist and I spoke about Mayla's birth, health and the way she started life. All the while, Mayla continued on the move, her usual quiet self.

Mayla never went through the cooing/gagaga/googoo stage of life, nor has she yet uttered dada and mama hasn't been spoken more than 10 times in her almost 17 months of life. No babbling, no jabbering! This coupled with her previous heart condition, lack of oxygen in the begging days of her life, inability to drink without coughing or eat without gagging definitely rose some red flags for Erin.

After an hour of her interacting, talking and questioning myself and Mayla, Erin came to the conclusion that Mayla was at the stage of a 7 month old. It took every ounce of my being not to lose it at that moment! There's something different about 'thinking' something was wrong with Mayla and being told mater of fact something is wrong. Even as I type, my stomach hurts replaying Erin's words in my head!

What's next, what does this look like for us, i'm not really sure. I do know that we will be in contact with our doctor as Mayla needs to have a diagnostic feeding eval done as well. Mayla gags and chokes often when eating and almost every time when drinking, something that makes meal times one of the most stressful parts of my day. Today she gagged, choked and then puked during lunch, i'm sure if she keeps this up it will be hard to find anyone willing to babysit her during meal times:)

Will and I pondered for a year now, wondering what God had in store for bringing us back here..and maybe it's now clear, being in a place where they speak the same language and can help get us to the place Mayla needs to be! I see a lot of appointments in the future, but I also see Jesus at those appointments with us. I felt him rocking with me in the rocking chair just a bit ago, Him holding me as I held Mayla.

She is an amazing, smart little girl, an absolute bundle of joy (even Erin said so:) and i'm blessed that I get to be her mom and help her along in this journey and I look forward to sharing it with you!!

We have survived a Year in the USA....

...and surprisingly we have only gained a few pounds, that feels like our biggest achievement some days!!!!!!  :)

Hello from cold, snowy, arctic Michigan! It's true, we have been back in the USA for a year now, and it has gone FAST! Do we miss Switzerland? More than we thought we would. Just yesterday we said, "remember getting on a train and going somewhere feeling like you were having a mini vacation? Oh yes, I miss that. Remember living in a place where they plowed their sidewalks so you could actually use them? Oh yes, I miss that! Remember all the good food and good restaurants? Oh yes, I miss that!" We miss friends, we miss our tiny place that was ours (no offense mom and dad, you're great, and we GREATLY appreciate you letting us live with you), and we miss life with trains, trams and busses. We had a good life there, and we are thankful for the memories, and we are now thankful for the memories that we have made this past year, our first year as a family living in the country and state we grew up in.

We had a rough year though, and one we didn't see coming. We came back with big dreams, high hopes and great expectations. The Lord called us back; we listened, we obeyed and we felt like he then ran away from us. Each day we continued on, wondering what was in store for us every single week. We continued to be faithful to the Lord, and even though we felt lost, we clung to the only rock we knew would not be taken from us! As we watched our bank account drain, it was hard not to freak out. Each hospital or doctor visit was like a stab to our side (and there were PLENTY of them). Many days water would just drip from our eyes, at times uncontrollably as we ventured in 'the land between'. We dreamt of days in Switzerland and longed to have them back.

We cried out to God and knew that more than ever we had to be a team, God, Will, Myself and Mayla. During hard times it's easy to put the blame somewhere, anywhere, and give up but through the help of others, we learned this was our training time, and it was time to step up. So far during 'training days' I've learned that when I was younger, I had a lot more mental toughness than I do now. The majority of training is dealing with the mental battle that comes. And for those of you who have trained for anything, or maybe your training ground is going on now...it's mental toughness that will get you if you aren't on guard, so watch out!

After a business endeavor that didn't take off near as fast as we had hoped, Will was lead to a staffing company in September that put him in touch with a head hunter. After a month of interviews, telephone calls, and calming tea, Will was offered a job he was not yet qualified for, but yet perfect for (yes interesting to us too, but we were NOT going to complain). We excitedly accepted the offer and had NO idea what laid before us. Over the course of 7 weeks, Will would undertake the most extensive studying I have EVER seen any one person do, followed by 4 equally intense exams in that short time! HE PASSED and we stayed married and more in love than ever :-) He then started work as a financial advisor for a company downtown Grand Rapids on December 17th.

What was I doing that whole time besides praying and trying to keep Mayla from interrupting Papi and his studying........I was starting my own business:) Seemed like the PERFECT time..HA! My sister introduced us to an amazing nutritional product that our family started taking in September. After seeing my niece come off her ADHD meds, my mom lose 20lbs, having restored energy myself (not needing a nap every day) and hearing the countless stories of how it was helping others by giving people's bodies the proper nutrition we need/crave, I wanted to be a part of it. So I become an independent distributor for Zija International in October. The working from home has already been a blessing to our family in countless ways, but particularly because of how we feel. If you would like to learn more, feel free to contact me, I would be happy to share!

How have we survived the past year? Prayer, God, our families support which came in MANY MANY different forms, and new friends we have met along the way, along with the old friends we keep in contact with! The memories of the past have spurred us along to want to be the best we can be in the future for each other, our family and our community of friends!

Life is not always blue skies and pretty sunsets (and if you live in Michigan this is NOT news to you). We have a Savior who knows the ups and downs of our life better than we do, and when you put your trust and hope in Him, he will renew your strength and help you fight for the things that don't seem worth fighting for.

As you are still rounding the corner to 2014, we wish you health, and abundant joy as you start a new year. May you reach up if you feel you are drowning, and reach down if you are one of the fortunate ones with love, energy, time or things to give!

 With Love from The Ellis Family

Mayla Back in Jan 2013 When we moved to the USA, she sat, didn't move....

MAYLA NOW:
Fast, Fun, Active, moving, entertaining

Our Christmas Ornament for our first year as a family in the USA!

Merry Christmas....

.......From our family to yours. 

'For unto us a Child is born,

Unto us a Son is given;

And the government will be upon His shoulder.

And His name will be called

Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.' -Isaiah 9:6

Her Heart

Today was an exciting day, but with that excitement came other emotions too. It has been 6 months since Mayla's last cardio check up, the longest time period between appointments thus far. I wasn't worried so much about the heart report as I was about how Mayla would respond. You see, if Mayla responded in a 'bad way' (crying, kicking, screaming, moving), then no heart report would have been had. 

I knew we were off to a bad start when the second we got in the examining room, we put Mayla on the table (with the paper) and she started crying.....hard. We had to undress her so we could weigh her, she cried....hard. We put her on the scale, she cried.....hard. They then had to get a blood pressure reading, when putting the arm band on her, she cried....hard. I wanted to start crying too. That arm band didn't work, they tried another, she cried....hard. You noticing a trend here? Not a good one! 

Mayla is at an age where strangers (sometimes even non-strangers) are HORRIBLE people. To look at from a distance, they are great, but if they get close and talk to her, they are BAD, and if they get close and touch her, they are really really BAD! She is strong willed too, and if she doesn't want it, she lets you know. I had to laugh when the doctor at one point was trying to listen to her heart and Mayla just pushed his hand and stethoscope away. It made me feel better when he chuckled and said, 'she is REALLY strong'. He doesn't know the half of it!

So we get done with all the 'pesty' work and the nurse said, 'you have a big decision to make, will she be better laying on the table or sitting in your arms for the EKG?' My first thought was, 'if you're touching her she won't be happy either way'. But figured we would have better luck with me holding her. In order to do the EKG, they have to apply all these sticky (very sticky) things to Mayla. She was screaming so hard she couldn't keep her Nuggi in and tears were soaking her exposed chest. What I feared was taking place. I started to pray, and sing and 'shh, shh, shh, shh, shh' her and the most amazing thing happened...our highly energetic, strong willed, non stop moving munchkin, sat still and stopped crying. She didn't move a muscle during the whole reading of the EKG, I was amazed! The nurse was able to get a perfect reading that informed us Mayla's heart was in tip top shape.

From there we went in to be seen by the doctor. He listened, observed, asked questions and said she was completely healthy. Her heart was 'perfect'. He's still amazed that there is not even the slightest murmur to be heard. ALL GLORY TO GOD!!!!!! It was such an exciting appointment! When we told Mayla that everything looked great, and her heart was just right, and how happy we were, she started to clap! It made me wonder what she will think some day when we explain all this to her and what age will she truly grasp it, i'm so excited to share it with her and explain how God put her back together perfectly! 

After her appointment, I was busy trying to get something done at home and Mayla was letting me know she was not content. I swooped her up, cuddled her and as she nestled her head close to my shoulder I started to cry. I was overwhelmed with love for her and so proud of how far she has come since the day she was born. God has opened up my eyes so much already in the short 13 months she has been alive and I'm blessed to call her mine, but also blessed to know that she belongs to The Lord and he cares for her more than I ever could (and you too).

Papi enjoying some abnormal snuggling from M&M

Cousin Kalynn just so happened to have an appointment at the Children's hospital too and was showing Mayla how the interactive wall worked, playing with the jellyfish. 

Celebration shake time.....

I put the straw up to her lips thinking she wouldn't suck, but sure enough, she was smart enough to not want to miss out on this yummy treat. 

-OH MY GOODNESS, I made it through a year -By Will

A year ago today is probably the most bittersweet day of my life. At 5:02am September 6, 2012, Mayla Grace Ellis was born into the world. I have to imagine that most parents would say, the day their children were born was the best day of their lives. Well, the day I married Keri was a pretty solid day too, and I would probably put that up at the top. The day Mayla was born, while being incredibly exciting and joy-filled, it was also very scary, stressful and stress-filled, and painful. Here was a day that we had longed for, for a long time. You see, Keri and I (mostly Keri but I had a role too) were first pregnant in September of 2011. We had spent a lot of time praying about when to begin trying, also endured mucho harassment at the hands of some great people who seem to think “the more, the merrier, and sooner” (just kidding, love you guys, and you know who you are), and sensed August 2011 was our “go time”. Sadly, we lost that baby at the end of October. Nobody knew we were pregnant or even trying. Despite our loss and pain, we knew there would be a plan in it and sensed the Lord telling us to get back on the proverbial “horse” and go again. So we did and before we left to go back to Switzerland, we announced to our families only that we were pregnant. This was December 31, 2011 and our decision to share was based on the request for prayer for the safety of our baby, Keri, me (little did I know that I’d need more prayer than the other two put together), and the next nine months (little did we know we would need more prayer in months 10-22 than ever before).

So back to September 6, 2012. I remember the day very clearly and while I won’t go back to it to give you all the details, I will if you REALLY want to know them, I will say that the day was a complete whirlwind. And by whirlwind, I mean everything and everyone around me was “whirlwinding” around and I was just standing there like a bonehead not comprehending what was going on. Everything that happened in that delivery happened so fast, except Mayla actually coming out of course, that I didn’t have the opportunity to take it all in, to enjoy the experience, to understand what was happening. So I’ll break this down for you:

• Mayla comes out
• She is thrown, and I mean thrown, onto Keri’s chest
• I’m jerked over to cut the cord, and I mean jerked (hey big tall slow guy, you notice a pattern here??? Uhhhhh)
• I cut the cord, vaguely remember that experience because it was soo fast
• Mayla is taken from Keri to be cleaned up and “stuff”
• Mayla is given back to Keri
• Attending pediatric doc runs out of the room to get an oxygen machine
• Doc runs back in with oxygen, gone for probably seconds, and grabs Mayla back
• Keri says something to the effect of “something is wrong, go talk to her, take pictures, pray over her”

So I do that, but I’m super confused about what’s going on. The books didn’t tell me about this. I’m supposed to be celebrating, smoking cigars, cheering, clapping, crying, balloons, confetti, happy (where was the happy???). Instead of what the books gave us to expect, we got fear, lack of understanding, worry, wonder.

Minutes later, though seemed like a long time, the said Mayla wasn’t getting enough oxygen and they needed to take her to neo-natal for observation. Pardon my selfishness, but I hadn’t even touched her yet and Keri held her for just a minute or two, if that. By the time the doctor had finished with Keri, Mayla had already been moved via big plastic box to neo-natal and neither of us had placed eyes on her for more than 5 minutes. Then Keri and I were alone. We prayed, cried, prayed, and cried before the doctors came back in. That was a creepy moment because it was exactly what I would expect from a movie: the massive door swings open slowly (slow motion like), both doctors and the mid-wife come in, steps in sync, very serious looks on their face, and Keri and I are together at her bed, holding hands, praying, wondering. They tell us Mayla has an issue with her oxygen, she is not getting enough and they didn’t know why. They had already called the Children’s Hospital and were on their way to pick her up so they can run tests and figure out what was wrong. We were encouraged to go to neo-natal to see her, touch her, spend time with her, talk with her, take pictures, etc. Imagine, if you will, a handful of medical staff giving you this “encouragement” after the birth of your child… Not all that encouraging of encouragement, I don’t think so anyway. So we did, and we loved it. We cried, prayed, took pictures, touched her, loved her, then watched her be transported away, wondering if we would ever see her again.

You can probably guess that yes, we did see her again. The next three weeks at the Zürich Children’s Hospital were incredibly up and down. However, the show of love and support from our Zürich family eased the heartache and difficulties. We were so blessed by the outpouring; we’ll never have words enough to fully thank everyone who played a role. We left the hospital just three weeks after Mayla entered, went through two levels of intensive care, a round in neo-natal, open heart surgery, back to ICU, and back to neo-natal. The joy we had when we finally brought Mayla home is indescribable.

The following weeks were the most challenging of our lives. You see, the hospital was easy. We show up in the morning, nurses tell us how the night went, what she’s on/off, plan for the day, if one exists, we go see Mayla, and spend our day in and out of the ICU / neo-natal seeing her. Sure we had some tough times there where Mayla wasn’t responding well to something, feeding well, just irritable, AWFUL diaper rash, etc, but at the end of the day, we had to leave her in the hands of the incredible nurses and doctors and go back to our dorm room for some needed sleep. At home however, it was us vs. the world.

I used to have this theory that God gave everyone “easy” first kids, as a way of sort of dooping them into having more. This became my theory because it seemed as though almost everybody I knew had “easy” first children. Well, if Mayla was the “easy” one, I’m throwing in the towel…

Don’t get me wrong, I love Mayla with everything I am and everything I can muster, everyday. But no amount of reading could have prepared me for what was coming. In fact, it seemed as though Mayla’s first weeks home would not have fit into any book’s description: scientific, spiritual, or otherwise. It was tough, for both of us, but more so for me. Mayla has taught me a lot over this last year, but those first weeks/months, I learned just how selfish I really am. The reality for me was, I had some things I was looking forward to as a first-time father and I feel like I missed out on a lot of the traditional “firsts” for first-time fathers, and I’ll never get them back. That being said however, I was able to experience so many other things that “first-time” fathers, and 2nd, 3rd, 4th, & 5th too, don’t get to experience that I’m all good with it.
I saw the Lord work miracles everyday. I witnessed a miraculous recovery. I experienced the outpouring of love, support, encouragement, nourishment, compassion, and more, of God’s people, to the extent that I had never seen before. I watched as doctor’s, nurses, and the like study Mayla in amazement at her recovery and how she has grown over this last year, baffled that, aside from her scar, that is no indication of a surgery ever taking place. I experienced the unconditional love and grace of a child who needed, wanted, and deserved a father to step up and do battle with the demons trying to keep him down. I have seen how one person’s smile, can change thousands of peoples day, in the matter of a split second. I witnessed miraculous changes each and everyday, in my daughter, my wife, and myself. I experienced the love of Christ through my daughter and my wife.

In retrospect, I didn’t respond to fatherhood in a fashion that would be exemplary or role-modelish by any means. With that said, I have stepped up and taken the lead as father, lover, leader, spiritual head, teacher, and more, that my family needs. Over this last year I have been blessed in countless ways, and I mean that not figuratively, I really can’t count how many times I’ve been blessed as a result of being Mayla’s father. She has taught me a lot, and continues to do so.

While the start was not ideal in our book, by any means, it is exactly what the Good Doctor had on order for us. I’m thankful for our journey to date, and I’m thankful to continue on this journey, though it is challenging, sometimes bleak, and extremely confusing as of late. My two girls are the most important and precious people in the world to me, and I wouldn’t trade anything over the last year for something different.

Happy Birthday Mayla. Thank you! I love you! May you continue to grow ridiculously strong, and bless others with your joy, smiles, and disgusting slobbery kisses. You are such a gift to mommy and papi.

Looking Back, I Never thought I would see this day....by Keri

It was early in the morning, contractions where starting and so were my nerves, this was it, 9 months of getting bigger and bigger, paying attention to every single thing I ate, frequently visiting the bathroom, and 9 months dreaming of what our little girl would look like....it was here, it was happening. After having lost our first baby, I was elated to have made it this far, but had no idea what was in store for us.

On our first trip to the hospital early in the morning, my contractions just stopped, I could not believe it. They had been constant for a couple hours and then gone. I still went in to be checked, just hoping that maybe this whole 'having a baby' was so new to me that maybe I was 'feeling' it wrong, but that was not the case, and away we went. I walked, and walked and walked, I was determined to have our girl and have her SOON! The walking helped, helped because we actually had four important places to visit that day, and now we had the time to go. Unfortunately by the time we got done walking all over Zurich, I was feeing great, and no amount of jumping, walking, or running was going to bring me back to the hospital. So, weighted down by our 'hospital' bag and the pregnant blob I was, back home we went.

We climbed up the mini hill, up the fourty-two steps, and opened the door to our flat, and said, 'This is NOT what I was thinking when we left this morning.' We were disappointed, but knew it was not our timing, but the Lords. We napped, well Will napped and I tried to, but within an hour of laying down, those pesky little contractions were back. I ignored them...ha, I 'tried' to ignore them I mean, i figured it was just going to be another trick on us already, so why react. RIGHT....my heart started beating fast and
I started to time them, 10 minutes apart, 10 minutes apart, 10 minutes apart...WAHOO! Their back baby!

I was checked in at 7:00pm and had so much energy I was READY! By 11:30pm that energy was gone and I was not so ready any more. After being awake for 21 hours, and dilated to an 8, it was epidural time. The only good thing about the epidural, well two things related to each other, it helped the pain so much, that I got a few cat naps in. The bad news, it did what I was afraid of, slowed everything down DRASTICALLY! And after a couple hours, our little baby was complaining too which caused me to shift from side to side on the bed to see what worked best for her and her heart rate. She was not helping the cause though and in no hurry to come out, water was not breaking and even when they did break it, she still wanted nothing to do with entering the world, she knew what awaited her, we still had no idea.

At 5:02am, Mayla Grace Ellis entered the world. The next thing I know, she was THROWN at me and they were wiping her off. I looked down and saw them working so fast to clamp the chord and then handed Will the scissors and had him cut the chord. I missed seeing it as I was looking down at our girl and I knew right away.....I knew something was wrong. I had a gut feeling and I was scared.

The pediatrician then took her from my arms and they started checking her over..she made a few short cry’s that were the sweetest sound, as I watched them work my husband echoed words of praise and excitement in my ear as he shed tears of joy. I was emotionless, unable to process how I felt. They laid her back on my chest again, and I all I could notice was the pale coloring and blue tint to her skin, I knew something was wrong and instantly put up a wall between me and my daughter. I couldn’t bond with her and felt scared. After 2 short minutes, they took her from me again, and my heart broke, I knew this was not the way it was suppose to go. I told Will to go over by her and pray over her, something was not right. They had some different machines around her and were checking her oxygen. I could barely look over at her, it hurt and I was scared. I just kept praying and pleading with God that nothing was wrong with her, little did I know what awaited us.

In rolled an incubator looking box, and they took Mayla down to Neonatal, I laid there, motionless. Was it all a bad dream? What just happened? Where was my little girl. The pediatrician, doctor and midwife all came back in the room after what felt like days, doors swinging open slowly, as if it was the opening scene to a movie, I panicked and held my breathe, I wanted to close my ears too as I could tell by their faces, it was not good. I thought for sure she was gone. They informed us Mayla was only getting 85% oxygen on her own, and had either a heart or lung problem, but in all the tests they ran, they could find nothing wrong and they needed to send her to the children's hospital for further evaluation. Will and I clutched each other and lost it, I wanted to push the stop button.

We were able to visit Mayla in the Neonatal unit and touch her hand through the holes in the plastic 'box'. Our midwife informed us we should take as many photos as we could. Those words were not reassuring and I thought she knew something we didn't. Our time with her was short and ended abruptly when the children's hospital arrived to take Mayla by ambulance. I wanted to go, that was our little girl they were taking. We clung to each other and fell on our knees in prayer. Two hours went by before we heard anything and then finally the call. They had found the problem with Mayla, switched heart valves. They had already done a procedure on her within the hour she was born in neonatal that had helped keep her alive to this point, Praise The Lord, she was already our Miracle Mayla.

When I walked into the Intensive Care unit, I felt like I was visiting a ‘different’ baby, not mine, maybe one of a friend. I didn’t think she was mine, I wasn’t sure I wanted her to be mine. I looked at her and all I could think was I wanted to start over, I wanted to go back home, be pregnant again and deliver a different baby, not one that had a heart problem, not one that needed open heart surgery, not one that needed all these tubes and wires attached to her. I wanted the baby I had dreamed about, longed for, and been so excited about.

I left to go pump and it hit me like a two by four. Will could see our baby girl beneath the wires, what was wrong with me..i only saw wires, and tubes, and pain...I didn’t see a baby, not my baby. The baby I dreamed about was not the same one laying with those machines all around her, when would I wake up, when would it be over? I finished pumping and was scared, scared of my next move. How do I tell my husband all this, how do I share these feelings I’m having about my daughter, how does this get better? I was trying to gain my composure, pull myself together so no one would know of the freak out I was experiencing deep within my soul. This was all a bit hard as I was crashing fast and going deeper and deeper. I was just about to walk out when my husband walked in. He took one look at me and I obviously didn’t do a good job ‘pretending’ life was perfect. He saw the hurt, the pain, and the fear written all over me. He asked, ‘what’s wrong?’, and without hesitation the flood gates opened and in the navy chairs of the dim lit pumping room, we embraced and I spilled my whole hurting self to him. We held each other and sobbed like I have never cried before. Through the tender yet firm embrace of my husband I felt the Lord’s presence in that room. It was at that moment the Lord said, ‘I’m going to heal you just as I heal Mayla’.. I didn’t know how and I was still scared to death, but I knew the three of us could do this. We cried out to the Lord, and he heard our prayers, healing was beginning as I stood up, ready to face whatever was thrown our way.

If you followed our story while Mayla was in the Hospital, you know that Will wrote an update every night for facebook, so while he was doing that, I was compiling my own journal and updates, 42 pages long to be exact, and that's where a lot of this comes from. I've put myself back in a lot of those moments and it's brought up a lot of emotion for me. But we have come so far, based on how Mayla started, I never pictured her doing any of the things she is doing now, it was a protection thing, and one that took me a long time to let my guard down on. We are blessed to have her and blessed to have her story. We are fortunate she only had to have one surgery and won't need any more. She is a very special girl, Jesus knit her back together, and even though her heart is 'backwards' compared to others, she is perfect! It's been a fun journey thus far, and a lot of you have been along for the ride since day one, and we thank you more than you will ever know. She lights up our every day and we continue to pray she takes that beautiful smile of hers, the Love that has been poured on her, and she shares it with the world. God performs miracles every day, and Mayla is proof of that.