Oh how we miss her.

Her perfect lips, her perfect tongue, her perfect smile, her perfect nose, her perfect strength, she was beyond a doubt fearfully and wonderfully made. She was perfection. My arms long for her, my heart aches for her. Will and I continue to comment, 'oh to have had one more hour'. Truth is no matter what we were given it would never have been long enough, so we celebrate and rejoice over the time we did have! Oh how we miss her though!

I've thought about writing 'the next blog' after she passes 1000 times by now, I've played the words over and over in my mind, taken notes and have reminded myself of all that I want to try and say, truth is, right now I feel like I don't have anything. My womb is empty and so are my arms. The nursery is only laden with clothes of hers I need to return, empty dreams, and longings that won't be fulfilled. We have blankets of hers stuffed in bags to try and preserve the smell of her, every so often I walk by, separate the opening, pry my nose in and inhale, the smell of her is perfection. It reminds me of when I would lay my face on her stomach, tears streaming down my cheeks onto her chest and just smell. Part of me wants to put it all away into hiding and pretend I'm still pregnant with her, so the dreams can continue on. Oh how we miss her.

We do have memories though, we have pictures, we have images, we have footprints on LOTS of things, and when I say lots, I mean LOTS,
my sisters and sister in law were a HUGE HUGE help and thought of things to do that never crossed my mind, the thankfulness I have for them taking the initiative and making the keepsakes they did I will NEVER be able to express in my life time. Oh how we miss her.

There are soooo many things I want to share, I honestly wish that every single person reading this could have come to the hospital to lay your eyes and hands on her. Our 'incompatible with life' child thrived. She was the first anencephalic baby our doctor delivered, the first anencephalic baby ANY of the nurses (over 9) working with me had seen make it, the first anecephalic baby any of the NICU doctors that worked with us had seen alive. The list goes on. According to one nurse, word of her was going around the hospital! We stand in awe! I remember back to when doctors were asking me if I was planning on terminating the pregnancy, being asked more than once even. SERIOUSLY?? 45 hours in the scheme of life isn't long, but she changed our lives for ever and many others too. Every baby deserves a chance and we praise God for the conviction we have and for giving our Arabella the chance to shine for Jesus. I remember one doctor we met with before she was born suggested we don't even feed her, "it could be worse for her" he stated and "just not worth it". Does he know she drank from a bottle? Does he know she breastfed? Does he know she was eating every 3-4 hours? Does he know how big our God is that we serve? "Incompatible with life" and she figured out what the diaper she was wearing was intended for, what her mouth and tongue were used for and how to make heads spin, people smile, cry and laugh all at once! She was captivating and full of life! Oh how we miss her.

We came home from the hospital friday night, I had only slept 6 hours since Monday night and the only way I was still functioning was from the prayers and support of so many. If you think just by praying you aren't doing anything, I'm here to tell you otherwise. Will and I are walking around, smiling, laughing, joking, and of course crying, but it's because of you, your prayers and the grace of God! You all will never know what you mean to us!!! Thank you for every text, every message, every facebook comment, every card; even though we might not have responded, we have seen, read and feel your love, thank you for your grace!

The minutes and hours since arriving home have been a blur. We have been working on funeral planning, and just trying to figure out how to go from one minute to the next! Our sweet little Arabella is constantly on our minds. After church last night, we tried to go shopping to finish her burial outfit, however seems to be there is a bit too much Dutch in the area and not such a need for preemie clothing, so that hunt will continue tonight. We exhaustedly fell into a booth at Olive Garden to try and replenish our systems, Will and I just sat. I think we exchanged about 3 minutes worth in conversation, most of it having to deal with the food we were eating. Both of us just lost in space, in planning, in coping, in survival mode. Oh how we miss her.

I still have a billion things to share, from how God was in every second of her delivery to the last dance Will and I had with her to how she lifted her arms to Jesus when he came to take her home and all the wonderfulness in between! I wish we were videoing the whole time, as some things just needed to be witnessed. God is Good, we celebrate life, we choose Joy!!!!!!!!

Funeral arrangements have been made (still struggling with the thought that we are planning our daughters funeral). Information and time can be found here: http://www.lifestorynet.com/obituaries/arabella-ellis.108625
EVERYONE is welcome to join us for this celebration!

THANK YOU JESUS for giving us Arabella, Thank you Jesus for her life, Thank you Jesus for 9 months, plus extra credit of 45 hours! Thank you Jesus that you are with us in this storm! Thank you Jesus that you will NEVER leave us nor abandon us! Thank you Jesus. Through the pain, through the hurt, through the tears, we surrender and we submit!

Mayla realizing that this celebration has already started!

In Switzerland, they gave us celebration cake when Mayla was born, I knew we would be on our own here in America, so I packed some swiss chocolate to celebrate with!

We couldn't pray over her enough!