The Man

Tuesday I woke up and it was the day. Almost 24 weeks pregnant and had known about this appointment for months. The night before I had a dream that started with bleeding and ended with us saying goodbye to our baby; the spiritual battle raging during this pregnancy has been intense. I then woke up singing, 'In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus.' I needed a big dose of it. I opened my devo for the day to read, "My child, you can trust the Man who died for you. If you cannot trust Him, then whom can you trust?" And just like it hit the writer, it hit me too! Jesus, the Man, died for me, and could be absolutely trusted with the total concerns of the life He had saved. There was so much power in those words and so much comfort for the day ahead.

We walked in for our echo appointment and sat in our typical seats. Close to the window for a wonderful view of downtown. I'm always glad that they are timely with our appointments as sitting in the waiting room is one place my mind tends to get me! We walked down the hallway and like usual I prayed we wouldn't be in the same room as we were always for Arabella, and when we turned the corner for the back rooms, I let out a sigh of relief (I wonder if they have it marked in Red on the chart not to take couple to Room XY or Z). The rad tech was one we had never met and upon further questioning found out she specialized in heart echos; always nice to know you're in the hands of a specialist. The main focus of this appointment was growth and heart. After having a daughter with her heart switched around it's a risk and a main focus for them as the chances increase of having it again. The room is silent, the anticipation high, the longings intense, you can almost feel all of us holding our breath as she piles on the goop and grabs the transducer. The feel of Will's warm touch on my shoulder is comforting as I uttered the words, 'Thy will be done', Thy will be done, Thy will be done.' 

It was almost as if Baby Zek knew what was coming, she woke up fiercely and started to move, I was afraid all her acrobatics in my belly was going to make it difficult  to get the measurements and images we needed, but it was the most amazing moment that brings me to tears as I type. She was lying breech and in the most perfect position for them to get incredible views of the heart. For once we have a child who was cooperating for an ultrasound, even with all her bouncing about she stayed perfectly positioned. The movement was a God hug, and each time she fluttered about my heart smiled. 

As I type this, I'm not sure how i'm still alive as I felt like I was laying on that ultrasound table, holding my breathe. I tried counting all four chambers of the heart and had the feeling of being stationed on a teeter-totter. One second affirming my own lack of ultrasound knowledge realizing I had NO idea what I was looking at, and the next second confident I had seen this enough that I knew 'exactly' what to look for. They label every image they capture with short hand in mostly a yellow font, it's hard not to sit there and just wait for them to change the font to red, I know they don't do that, but that's what i'm usually thinking, just waiting in the silence for something to be a red flag. 

And then it happened; our rad tech focused in on the overview of the heart, and went from mentioning medical jargon to simply saying, 'it's beautiful, it's absolutely beautiful'. That was all I needed to hear and I felt my lungs fill again with a huge breath of air. Baby Zek kept on bouncing as if she was celebrating at the news being given to our ears. I know I wanted to jump up off that table and do a happy dance all the way up and down those halls and I wanted to hug that lady for saying something instead of making us wait. In my breathe I uttered, 'Her heart is beautiful, thank you Jesus, her heart is beautiful, thank you Jesus.' 

I wish you could all have been in that room with us. I've searched for words to try and describe it from the viewpoint of that bed while staring up at a black and white screen and feel inadequate. Rainbow Grace Baby Ellis, as Mayla likes to call her, an absolute miracle, 24 weeks, only a pound and 8 ounces and being examined head to toe while inside my belly, an absolute amazement! Ultrasound pics are way fun and have been underrated by me until Arabella, but when you have laid on the table for image after image after image, 80 to 90 to upwards of 120 of them you have a new appreciation for technology and the little life that's developing inside of you. And to think some people dub that as 'not yet a life yet' is dumbfounding to me. 

We were also scheduled to meet with a pediatric cardiologist who would look over all the images and talk with us and shortly after she announced the beautifulness of our daughter's heart he walked in. He was thorough and precise and I liked that. He even took time to move the images in slow motion so he could try and show us how the heart was set up perfectly. He was describing the anatomy of the heart to us and showing up pieces of the heart puzzle....ON our daughter, who is INSIDE my womb, WHO was bouncing all over and weighs in at 1lb 8 ounces. I was awe struck. He showed us this insanely tiny piece of the heart that is just hanging out, floating around in the heart, that once after the child is born and starts breathing on their own is moved into it's permanent place which he showed us right where that was too and can you believe this piece seriously was already crafted perfectly for that spot?!. All I could think as he was describing this to us was, "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13 We serve a God that knows us, loves us, made us. And it's this same Man that died on the cross for us because he loves us too much to leave us where we were. This Man who created baby Zek so incredibly perfectly, created Arabella so perfectly, and Mayla so perfectly that can be trusted with my life and my children's lives. From ultrasound to ultrasound I have seen how he's knitted her together and what a glorious viewpoint it's been. It hasn't come without tears but it's because of our story that I get to know this daughter more than most parents get to know theirs before they are born. I have heard her heart beat echo through the monitors and ring through my ears, I have seen flap after flap after flap of her heart as it's pumping and have laid watching her move for hours now, jabbing and kicking at my insides and have seen her sweet hands tucked up against her face as she continues to grow for God's glory. 

hands under chin and finger close to mouth, our sweet bundled looking amazing

Dear friends, you can trust the Man who died for you. You can trust him to thwart each plan that should be stopped and to complete each one that results in his greatest glory and your highest good. You can trust Him to lead you down the path that is very best in this world for you. J.H.M Streams in the Desert

Pinwheels

It was that kind of day, a day that called for visiting my girl. I smiled as I approached her grave, and then the tears started to flow, one after the other. I couldn't even stop. I found myself saying her name over and over, loving the way it sounded as it rolled off my tongue and sad in the same breath that I never have used it to tell her it's time to brush her teeth, or used it to scold her for biting her sister or pulling her hair! We are one month shy of celebrating her 2nd birthday and the tears still come! My arms still long to touch her skin and feel her body against mine!                                                                                                                           What does child loss look like 2 years out? I still cry. Do I cry as often? No. Do I cry as hard? Some times, but not usually. Today yes. Do I enjoy and also dread seeing my friends child who would have been the same age as Arabella? Yes, to this day it makes me smile and ache at the same time! Having Baby Zek in my stomach is wonderful, but no child will ever be able to replace Arabella. Missing her still comes in waves. The lake for the most part stays calm, but there are times when a storm swells up and the waves look like walls that engulf me!

Mayla still talks about Arabella almost daily. Whether it's about how special Arabella is and she's with us in our hearts or that she prays the baby in my tummy can come home from the hospital and not have an owie on her head like Arabella, she is still very much a part of our lives!

We put a pinwheel by Arabella's grave and I like it so much! Tonight it was going around and around and around and around. I sat there mesmerized by it. It reminded me of what life can look like. We sometimes feel like we are just spinning, going around and around, doing the same thing over and over and over, from our view point it doesn't look so great, nor feel so great. We go around and around with our kids, our job, our to-do list day after day and week after week. But when we step back and look at it, what an amazing sight it is. Hopefully these round and rounds we are doing are out of love and what a sight that can be to our children, our husbands, our parents our grandparents or friends. I learned something new from this special pinwheel. I want the consistency of that pinwheel, even when it seems I'm going nowhere, it can still be a beautiful thing. 

Baby Zek is approaching twenty two weeks and so far doing a stellar job at growing and being healthy. We had more testing done a few weeks ago that also came back 'normal', such a relief, even though we know we aren't in the 'clear' it helps to have things pointing in a healthy direction. Mayla came with us last week to a heart beat appointment and I wish I could have recorded her sweet face when she heard the sound. Her eyes sparkled, her dimple popped out and she had joy pouring out of her pores, it was amazing! She continues to fall more and more in love each day. My favorite is when she is away from us for a night, she will say first thing to baby Zek, "Oh baby Zek-i, I missed you so much" and kiss my tummy. It looks something like this.....

We are eagerly awaiting our next ultrasound on August 2nd and we thank you all for your continued prayers as we journey this adventure called life. We are thankful daily for what we have been given and count every day with this child a gift. We continue to learn and grow so much and are thankful for every adventure both good and bad that we have been on together!

Celebrate Everything

Mayla reminds me on a daily basis that life is a gift, and the words that come out of her mouth about baby Zek on a daily basis reiterate that. "IF baby Zek stays alive Jesus, I will be a great big sister and help." "IF we can take baby Zek home alive from the hospital, I will hold her!" She's 4 and she gets that life is fragile and we can't choose what happens, nor can we choose when or how certain things happen! But we can hope and we can expect. Something she is AMAZING at, and something I'm still working on each day!

An awesome friend of mine gave me some incredible advice a few months ago. We had been talking about how we try to prep our hearts and prep our minds for certain things and she challenged me to ponder how helpful is that really going to be in the long run? I had been trying to prep myself for loss early on, thinking that was going to make in case something happend. If I just prepared my heart for it ahead of time, then when the time comes it won't hurt as bad. That was my flawed thinking. Truth of the matter is things that are suppose to hurt, will hurt! Loss of life hurts, miscarriage hurts, unemployment hurts, but also sitting around worrying about, pondering about and dreaming of fake stories and visuals of things that are out of control hurt too! They hurt our heart, they hurt our soul and they hurt relationships and people around us when we start talking and preparing for something negative that isn't there yet! From that conversation on, my focus shifted big time and I claimed this pregnancy as a gift and I was going to stop the preparation for loss and live for the second of what I had been given. This requires my eyes to be focused on Christ and nothing else. I will not prevail by noticing the what if's of life, or how big the storm seems too be around me. Attempting to evaluate all of those will have me sinking before I have even tried to swim.

This past week though, I found myself edgy, I was annoyed, I was high strung and I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest! Every little thing Will and Mayla did, or didn't do for that matter, sent me over the edge. The cramps I was experiencing all week long and the lack of movement from the baby coupled with the ultrasound that was scheduled for Friday morning had my mind working over time and left my heart being sabotaged by my mind! The enemy was having a field day putting thoughts, one after the other, of another child I wouldn't meet, and the worst thing was, I believed Him.

Friday morning came and before the appointment I knew I needed to get my heart right. The enemy had taken up residence in my head for too many hours and I was done! I started to utter with my lips over and over and over and over, 'God you are God, this child is yours and the days we have had so far have been awesome, we surrender her to you. God you are God, this child is your and the days we have had so far have been awesome, we surrender her to you." I parked the car, walked up to the building that holds many memories good and hard, got on the elevator and felt held by the Lord. Before I knew it, the warm goop was being placed on my belly and the ultrasound wand pushed against the stomach. "Thy Will be done Lord, thy Will be done".

First image that popped up was baby Zeks head, I then saw an arm move to the left and to the right, movement on the screen brought tears streaming down my cheeks and repentance to my heart. 'God please forgive my actions and thoughts and for allowing the enemy to steal my joy.' She was laying on her stomach, something I personally never saw in any ultrasound, her spine was curved in a such a way that it looked like a rainbow. I was reminded of the decorations we have hanging in her nursery. "Without Rain, there will be no Rainbow". Another God hug for me in this visual that he provided with her spine.

As she moved the wand around, I felt the sweet little bundle move against it. She was full of so much life and even waved to us.

Will squeezed my arm and this brought more tears. Here we were together, him and I, so in love and so close after so much pain and heartache and trail. Nothing has happened over the last 9 years plus with him that I regret going through and it's becuase we made an agreement that we have stuck to, we aren't going NO where without the other. 

Our rainbow is kicking, and moving, and growing, and developing! The rad tech took 112 images that day, you name it, they were looking at it! There was part of the heart they couldn't see, but not alarming as Baby Zek is the size of a bell pepper. Next ultrasound will be full heart echo in 5 weeks, we are already so excited to see her again. So many of you have been praying for us, and with us and for the baby and you have NO idea how much we appreciate that! The nurse came in after looking at all the images and said, 'your baby girl looks awesome'. Your prayers are being felt and we are thankful!

I allowed my mind to go down that deep dark path last week and I'm annoyed for it. The energy I wasted, the mental exhaustion I experienced, and the pressure I put on my family is embarrassing and sad, but it happened, and the freeing thing is I'm forgiven too! Lessons happen in life that aren't fun, we go through things that don't feel good, but we also have the opportunity to turn it around and learn from it and be better the next time! I did get another chance at choosing my attitude that day. When my husband called and said his car was broke again, this was the second time in one week and fifth time since he has been unemployed! Our day Friday was on SUCH a high, even seeing it going down the road on the tow truck was NOT going to get me down. Arabella was with us that day as I was pleasantly reminded to CELEBRATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

My husband patiently waiting our arrival to rescue him. As we pulled up, Mayla reminded me again how important attitude is. She said, 'Oh poor Papi, BUT, Mom, this is WAY better, now we all get to ride together, one big happy family'! Her outlook on life is amazing! She was celebrating and finding the silver lining! 

And he looked pretty happy to be picked up by such a hot babe. Celebrate everything,
Junk is going to happen and junk is going to be tough, but Jesus and Celebrating will be enough:) 

Tonkas or Tutus?

I woke up in a sweat the other night after a very real and vivid dream. We needed to deliver early due to some complications they were noticing with Baby Zek. Our sweet baby entered the world with amazingly thick hair, handsome blue eyes, an alertness and strength radiated from his tiny body. Then as I was scanning him over, my eyes were drawn to other parts of him that didn't look the way they were suppose to. In this dream fear flooded my extremities, it was so real and vivid, and I thought to myself, not again.....What more???

I was shaken after this dream and felt invaded by the enemy. My joy and celebration during the whole pregnancy has been a gift and daily I have felt an abundance of peace; I wasn't surprised by this attack.  In the bible it tells us in John 10:10 that 'the enemy (Satan) comes to steal, kill and destroy.' I wasn't going to give in that easily. Before waking up I remember being fixated on the facial features again and thinking to myself, 'this child, despite what my imperfect eyes see, is fearfully and wonderfully made!'

Daily I need to surrender these legit fears, I need to give God this child daily, just like we do Mayla, and I need to choose to NOT be taken down by these thoughts or dreams. God is the ultimate victor no matter what! Fighting the battle and the urge to give in to those lies can be really hard; But so rewarding when I don't let the enemy win!!!

This dream came at a time when we were waiting (impatiently I admit) for our lab results from some genetic testing we had done via my blood. They told us it would be about 2 weeks til we found out; I was good for one week, nice and patient and trucking along hour by hour feeling GOOD, but after that week, I started getting ancy and a whole butterfly garden entered my stomach. Then, I just couldn't take it any more; at just over the one and a half week mark I logged into my account and found out the results had been sent to my doctor and I could call him.  That was GREAT news, bad news was it was a Sunday, and the following day was a Holiday. Tuesday came and the same urgency was no longer there. I was in this weird place of contentment and peace in the unknown and feeling safe there, and making that phone call required a HUGE leap of trust. Will brought it up Tuesday afternoon and told me to call. I respected him and knew no matter what we were in this together! So I called! The extremely nice nurse told me the results were in and had been mailed to me that morning! I was grateful for that response and about to say thank you and hang up, when I decided to take another leap. I asked her if she could give them to me over the phone! She said, 'yes, just a minute'. That pause seemed like forever!!!!! She then went on to speak some of the sweetest words, 'low risk results!' I didn't even know what to say, THANK YOU JESUS! My heart was spewing praise. I then asked her if she could share the baby's sex over the phone and another 'yes' was uttered into the other end of the phone. I quick hit speaker phone and Will and I went and hid in the toy room away from Mayla. The nurse says, 'Are you READY?'.................My heart was beating soooo fast as I anxiously awaited to know what little life was growing inside.....So we ask you, ARE YOU READY????????

Just peachy

The size of a peach that little bouncing ball of energy is. Amazing to think Baby Zek is ONLY the size of a peach based on how stinkin' adorable he/she was during our ultrasound today! Watching the limbs fly every where and the mouth open and close and open and close, I smiled, and clenched my husband's hand tightly, giving three squeezes to signal how in love I was.

Your texts and emails and facebook messages were an amazing distraction while on the way to the doctor and while sitting in the waiting room. I did pause for a bit and just allowed myself to be, I thanked God for the space that we were in, and no matter what happened behind those doors, he would be the same God I walked in praising!

My heart breathed a big sigh when they were taking us to our room and they went down a totally different hallway than the room we had for Arabella, my heart was too fragile and I was thankful for the gift of a different room. The waiting time felt like an infinity, and the examining room was bone chilling.  As I crawled up on the examining table I wondered if they would be able to see the knots in my stomach, silently with eyes closed I could only sing, "Our God, is an awesome God he reigns'...and 'You are a good good father.' The silence during the ultrasound is tough to handle, the sonographer is technically not allowed to say anything other than what she is taking pictures of. I wished I had gone to school in that moment to learn how to read those things, the questions and looking and pushing and moving and looking again and then again was killing me! I was honed in on the skull, it looked different than Arabellas and I could see the whole outline, one part of my heart jumped for joy while the other stayed guarded. It was an emotional rollercoaster. I was having flashbacks to when we thought everything looked amazing with Arabella before we were shot down. 

I didn't want to get too excited, but the bouncing bundle made me laugh and smile. I even had to apologize to the lady for my stomach moving all around on top of the baby making it even more difficult, it was a delight to see the baby acting so excited though. 

The silence was getting to me and I JUST had to know so without thinking blurted out, 'does the skull look ok to you?' Her response made my heart sing, 'I can see the whole outline of the skull, it's all there'! PRAISE the Lord, I think some grey hair that was almost making its way to the surface was able to leave for another couple weeks:)  

After 5 pages of images, checking on all the organs that could be seen and monitoring the heart blood flow we were finally able to head into another room to meet with the doctor. With no hesitation he announced, 'I've looked at the images and your baby looks great'! I wanted to jump up and do the happy dance. My heart grew and the spaces I had been guarding were released. 

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him." 1 Samuel 1:27 NIV

Measuring PERFECTLY at 13 weeks! LOVE LOVE LOVE

"Dear Jesus, I can't wait to meet my family"-Baby Zek

This was the BEST, Baby Zek started drinking it was amazing!!!

Thank you all for your prayers, texts and emails! The support I felt was incredible. Will and I were lifted up and we celebrated all you journeying with us! Today after the ultrasound we were at the store and mayla was looking at greeting cards, have you ever stood in the greeting card isle, there are a BUNCH, and she looks up at me and says, "Mom, can we get the card with the rainbow on it?" SAY WHAT??? WOW...she has not even heard us mention rainbow baby, I couldn't believe it! More hugs from God, I will take them!

Next appointment in 5 weeks to keep an eye on the heart! For now, more love, more adventures and more surrendering! We celebrate another day!

Rainbow

Have you ever had something you have wanted to do for a LONG time? It's either been on the calendar for months, or something you have been trying to achieve or take off a to-do list for a while? The time comes and your elation is almost paralyzing? That's me right now. I've thought about this blog many times over the last nine months. The many titles that have come and gone, the many things I have wanted to share, either scribbled on a far away note or lost in the notes on my phone, it's been an ongoing thought, but there has been one special blog I have dreamed about writing and sharing for awhile and I'm elated to be in that place with you now!

Mayla and Arabella are happy to announce......There is a baby in Mommy's TUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!

Mayla We have a new book for you...

...called 'Big sisters are the Best'. Want to know why this book?

There is a BABY in mommy's Tummy!! TO which Mayla responds, 'A REAL BABY'!

"I want to hear it," She says!

AND THE JOYOUS Journey Begins as Big Sisters together!

OH MY HEART!!!!! She's SOOOO PROUD!

"ARABELLA, THERE IS A BABY IN YOUR MOMMY'S TUMMY"

Our Rainbow baby is coming, it's been a long season of storms. One of our 4 year old Daughters FIRST responses was, 'We have been praying for 90 years for this!!!!!!!!' The perspective is adorable and the longing has been intense for all of us. We love her honesty and openness she shares each day, even if they tug at our heart strings. On almost a daily basis she utters the words, 'Mommy if this baby stays alive......' or 'Mommy, if we get to bring this baby home from the hospital.....' She already realizes that each day is a gift. On her own she came up to me the other morning, gave the baby morning hugs and said, 'what a celebration that baby is still with us!' 

We have given our little Baby Ellis the womb name Baby Zek, for many reasons. We named all our babies in german and this was baby number 6, yes that's always fun to answer at the doctors visits, "6th pregnancy, 3rd birth and one living child", so.....in german the word is sechs, if said incorrect it doesn't sound so great, so we figured that was out, but if we could shorten it, that might work....Zek came up. During the time I was studying about Ezekiel in the bible and decided to look up what that meant and it's God Strengthens. HOW perfect! I would need a LOT of God strength to run the race before me. 

Baby Zek is an amazing 13 weeks and so far doing awesome! We had an early ultrasound that couldn't have been more perfect. Measuring just right and everything looking good! The ultrasound was emotional and the rad tech printed off the pictures and back to the waiting room I went. Sitting there holding that gift in my stomach and the gift in my hand I began to weep. As I stared at the ultrasound pictures I was captivated and could not take my eyes off the miracle we had been given. All I could say was, "Thank you Jesus, It is yours, Thank you Jesus, It is yours." 

We heard the sweetest sound, the heartbeat, last week and that too sounded perfect! Thank you Jesus that you chose us. 

Tomorrow is a HUGE day and we are asking for a TON of prayers. We have an appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine; We will be going back to a place that holds a lot of emotion. It's where we found out about Arabellas anencephaly, which we will be checking tomorrow on this child and also a few other things. The excitement to see our bouncing bundle on the screen is off the charts, but the flashbacks have already started in my mind and the pain of losing Arabella quickly swells to the surface as well! Prayers for peace, for the baby to cooperate and for an all around good report would be greatly appreciated! 

I know not everyone gets their rainbow and my heart breaks for those families. I know not everyone even gets to experience life before a rainbow and my heart breaks for them too. Everyone is given a different story and the beautiful thing is what we can learn from each other and how it takes each story to make the world a special place. I love what I have learned from my family friends of 10 and my single friends and my mommy friends struggling with her kids or the fact that she has no kids. We are all hurting in some way and we are all blessed in many ways. The key is to help the ones hurting and to celebrate the blessings. Today we have Baby Zek and we celebrate. Arabella taught us to celebrate everything and it's ingrained in us, deep! Tomorrow through the parking garage, the elevators, the all too familiar examination room and consultation room, we will celebrate what we have been given.

"You give life, you are love

You bring light to the darkness

You give hope, You restore

Every heart that is broken

Great are you, Lord" -All Sons and Daugthers Song Great are you Lord

Joy through the journey

There really are two lines there:) Just noticing its not showing up here.

When a woman sees two lines on a pregnancy test, or a plus sign or a yes or whatever other indicator is used, something happens inside her, and it happens fast! A new part of her heart is opened, a bond is formed, and a string is connected from the mother's heart to the baby.  The morning of  buried daughters 1st birthday I had this experience. I had known for over a week what that test result was going to be, I was sick and it felt good! The second line on the test was just a double confirmation, and the trip to the doctor office to have my pregnancy hormone levels checked was a triple confirmation that once again a miracle had taken place. Tuesday morning, our 3 year old sweet Mayla placed her hand on my belly and said, 'it feels like there is a baby in there.' I was astonished, she had heard NO talk and knew nothing. The joy that ran through my body knowing she was right and knowing I would get to tell her soon that she would be a big sister again was exhilarating. My heart was hopeful. Finding out on Arabella's birthday felt like a massive redemption story. I had hope, telling myself THIS was going to be the baby we get to keep and bring home, and how cool of the timing of it all!!!!! And then, in a blink of an eye, it happened.

I wanted the bleeding to stop, I wanted to ignore it, it had only been a few short months since we saw this scene before and it felt like my heart was being ripped open....again. The strings and bond I had already formed was being snatched from my grip, and there was NOTHING I could do. Once again another projected birthday that would not bring about a birth. Broken-hearted, defeated, drained, confused, and frustrated I cried out to God. "God don't you see our longings, our desires? Don't they line up with yours? You give us the desires of our hearts, right? How can us wanting to grow our family not line up? You tell us to be fruitful and multiply, how doesn't that line up? What more can we learn from the agony, the pain, the hurt and the constant surrendering? What do you want from this? It's SOOOOO hard, and with each passing loss I feel less hopeful, more questions, a bigger sense of hurt and sadness and more grief..." My pain was intense and I didn't hold back....

After I came to terms that nothing I did could save the pregnancy, I dove into scripture. I had a choice, I could run to God and cling to the one who could hold me through it all, or I could run from Him and be utterly alone. As angry as I was with God and confused by Him, I knew enough that I needed him and I didn't go off my emotions but instead went with what I knew to be truth. Will and I shared our real emotions and thoughts together as well, knowing that in our brokenness and honesty is when healing can take place. I found my bible flipping between chapters in the book of Psalm. I was thankful I had underlined things through the years, because I needed all the help I could get. Over and over, sentence after sentence, as tears streamed down my face and I tried to find an answer for something I will never understand, I felt held. "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you." "For you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." God was speaking to me in a mighty way. "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him." And that's exactly what I did. I told him I was exhausted on every level, I was in too deep of waters, and worn out from calling for help. Then I came across this in Psalm 71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." I don't know how many more miscarriages we will have, I don't know how many more children we will lose, I don't know a lot of things and that's ok, but what I do know at the end of the day is God is still God, and I'm still me and he sees a lot more than I will ever see! 

Lately this song has been vibrating off the walls of our house, and the words resonate with me......

One part I really like (well Actually it's ALL good) but when the song says:

"I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am not"

Nothing about this feels good, nothing about this is welcomed, nothing about this is wanted, but I gotta stop with all that and realize God IS GOD! I can't get lost in the self pity, I can't get lost in the details and I have to stay focused. Focused for Will, focused for Mayla, focused for family, focused for friends,  because this life is not about me, but about God and others! 

Lantern two, no take off..

Lantern one, GREAT

On Arabella's birthday, Will and I thought it would be cool to send lanterns up that we had in our possession for almost a year, an amazing gift someone had given us. Each time we went to do them it either rained or was too windy, we celebrated the fact that now we would get to do two. One for Arabella, and one for Baby Foonf (five in german sound)! This was an amazing moment for me and I was elated. We lit them both at about the same time and the first went up with no problems, it was so cool! They were bigger than we thought they would be. The second lantern struggled and actually got a hole in it and caught on fire before a failed takeoff was deemed and was stomped out. I struggled with this at the time, I really struggled with it, I wrestled with the idea that it could be foreshadowing, a sign from God that something was wrong, I tried really hard to fight the fight that was going on inside. I won, but that didn't change the results, the only thing that it changed was the moments I had pregnant were spent enjoyed instead of in panic. 

God and I have had some good talks lately, some good cries and some real tough truth. God's shoulders are huge, he could handle what I was throwing His way, and he can handle what you want to throw His way too, he wants to hear from you. 

We have no answers to why, our pregnancy/baby history up till now is not so great and we don't know what the future holds but love, and patience! What we do know is that we have Mayla. The morning we miscarried she walked out of her bedroom, crawled right up onto my lap and snuggled me. She pulled her face away from my chest and said, 'why are you crying, are you sad?' I replied, Mayla, you are a miracle, and mommy is so thankful that God gave me you. And as each month passes, it's more evident that miracle that you are!" I squeezed her hard as the tears streamed down my cheeks and landed on her oversized night shirt I thought to myself,  "Will there ever be another little miracle inside me that will one day crawl up on my lap and snuggle into me and will she ever get the chance to be the big sister that she so desperately wants to be?"  

Tonight, or this morning I guess now that I see the time, I leave you with this thought. We all have our own junk, trials, hurts and frustrations, through whatever it is, who is depending on you to make the right choice? Maybe a choice to submit? A choice to surrender? A choice to admit? A choice to confess? or whatever is needed so that healing, growth or redemption can take place?! We aren't meant to journey alone and we need God and we need each other, but it takes work.