6 years ago today…..

 You, Arabella Nani Ellis, surprised us, the medical team and the world. And we celebrated YOU! Today, 6 years later we still celebrate YOU! 

As Mayla and I huddled together this morning on the couch, we scrolled through hundreds of photos together.  Our voices went from songs of praise for all the people that hospital room held and the cherished memories to tears steaming down our cheeks as we both longed to have her in our life to full tears and sobs at all the passing time and missed moments to shouts of JOY for all that ‘incompatible’ baby accomplished in 45 hours. I answered questions Mayla has never asked and we watched videos Mayla has never seen. We both sat breathless as we watched Arabella taking her first breathes on an incredibly sweet video my husband filmed. Behind the camera tears of joy were heard coming from him as he watched in amazement the miracle before his eyes. She’s alive!!

Lately when I hear the song “Resurrecting” by Elevation Worship, it takes me back to our journey with her. 

“By Your spirit I will rise

From the ashes of defeat

The resurrected King,

 is resurrecting me

In Your name I come alive

To declare Your victory”

When we first got the news of her diagnosis it felt like defeat. If felt like defeat many days walking through our pregnancy. It felt like defeat when she left this earth. However, that’s not the place I stayed and that’s not the end of the story. The resurrected King picked me up, million times over and his work in me had made me come alive. Death is not the end, and that same King who defeated the grave wants you to come alive along side him to declare HIS victory. A lot in our life feels like ‘death’ right now. Arabella taught us to #celebrateeverything to pass onto others. The only way that’s possible is through the mighty grace of God. And I would LOVE on her birthday or any day, to share more of His great big huge love for YOU, my friend. 

Happy 6th Birthday my sweet girl who I miss every day. You Arabella Nani Ellis are a gift from above.   

No foot is too small to leave an imprint on this world. 

HAPPY DAY ARABELLA IS THREE

I remember that morning so well.....I can put myself back in that hospital room, I can feel the antcipation and timidness of the nurses as they scurried about, I can feel the stillness as we longed to hear that baby cry, the sound of life. And then we welcomed her, the room next door was filled with family and they rejoiced, I could feel the giddiness through the walls. We were an awe, she was ALIVE! SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL!!

Today we celebrate her 3rd birthday. Some moments it's hard to believe it was 3 years ago that we witnessed a 5 pound miracle that the doctors wanted us to abort, other times it feels like forever since I laid my eyes on her sweet long body, and those luscious lips. She was amazing, we fell in love FAST and we began absorbing every second knowing they were fleeting from her first breathe!

Three years and we still get to talk about her, we still include her and we miss her more and more each day! I long for heaven now more than ever, I long for completion. To be sitting at Jesus' feet, one with my King and holding all my babies. Worshiping Him for what he has done, what he does and what He will continue to do; be the lover of my soul!

Our sweet little Zella will never replace Arabella, if anything it has made me miss her more! Seeing Zella go through all her baby milestones has me longing for those moments back with Arabella. I long to know what she would have looked like, how Mayla would have loved her, what her personality and demeanor would have been. Would the dark hair have stayed? Oh my heart longs for her and the aching arms will never go away.

Zella, Mayla and I were playing on the floor the other day and out of no where Mayla says, "Mom, wouldn't it have been awesome if Arabella stayed alive and it was us three girls?" A thump formed in my throat as Mayla had verbalized what I had thought many many times, "Yes Mayla, that would be amazing!"

#celebrateeverthing It was a part of our whole journey, from the 12 week ultrasound when we learned about that foreign word 'anencephaly' up to this day, that phrase is used often. I made a sign that hangs at the end of our hallway, sometimes I look at it and laugh. In 10 years how outdated will the whole 'hashtag' phrase be. Oh well...we love it. Other times I look at it and I'm taken back to those first few months and year without her, and how celebrating everything didn't really 'fit'. There were so many miserable moments and I had to learn to fight hard. Having my focus be on something other than the misery I was going through though made a DRASTIC difference to where I could be to where I am now! Before something goes into action, it's a thought. I had to train my brain. I was so deeply hurt and lost and even though many mommies have lost babies in all sorts of ways, I felt so alone! Men and women process differently, the one person who had been my team mate for years felt like a stranger to me, and to this day we are very different in regards to this and further brain training is still needed. Neither is wrong, just different. #celebrateeverything. When all I wanted to do was hold her and instead we were visiting her at a funeral home, I had to train my brain, surrender, and #celebrateeverything. When she's turning three and I want to hear her sweet voice, hold her hand, and kiss her cheeks, I have to train my brain, surrender and #celebrateeverything. This journey still has it's ripple effects and I'm forever grateful to the ones who continue to say something, continue to share her story and continue to journey with us! Arabella's journey has been a journey that reminds me of the cross. The ripple effect of Christ is something else I'm extremely grateful for. I"m thankful for the ones that continue to proclaim Him and talk about Him and journey towards heaven with us! We all have a choice for the trials we face, and I'm far from perfect and fail many many times a day, but I'm thankful for our journey and what I have been blessed to learn along the way!

Today was a continued lesson from Arabella's short life, I look at it as a little 'pop-quiz'. And for once I can say I PASSED. I, KERI, had plans...I had ideas for today and was holding them tight in my hands. You see, Arabella is no longer alive, but I'm still a mom, and even mommies with babies in the ground get ideas for birthdays and want the plans to go JUST right! God had different plans for my day and THAT was OK (I'm type A, and God knows)! A very fussy teething infant, a swimming, surfing, skiing, tubing, wake boarding mermaid, said fussy infant who at midnight is STILL crying. (I am managing a few sentences in between snuggles.....) jetski rides with Mayla driving, fussy infant, teaching people to ski and surf, laughs, cries, sharp object stuck in my 5 year olds foot, infant not eating, and an incredible sunset. No cake, no candles, no birthday singing, no lanterns, no birthday cake oreos, no presents (those were all the planned items in my head).  Instead of a long winded graveside hang out, it was a 10pm drive by quick stop, and that's ok! It's ok because my God is bigger than all of that, and He's bigger than your to-do lists being disrupted too. I'm not a bad mom because what I wanted to do today didn't get done. I've been trying to do a better job waking up in the morning saying, TODAY is YOURS Lord, do as you please (I have been trying is the key word, not succeeding often is the reality).  What are you holding so close right now that you don't think you can let go of..is it your agenda, your future, your kids, or your addictions? God wants them at the cross, He wants your day to be HIS day. Surrendered when you wake up, surrendered when you take a step, surrendered when you sit. You are His, YOU have been chosen the bible tells us and This God is big enough to help you handle what you don't think you can.

I started going through photos...I wish we had more, but what I find interesting is as many times as I have been through them new ones stick out and I see something I've missed before! God is SOOO good, it is Well with my soul! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GIRL!!!!!! You taught me to CHOOSE JOY!

Photo Credit:Kristy Berends Photography
Arabella Nani Ellis Born August 19th, 2015

Dear Jesus, this road is tough, but you WILL never leave us nor forsake us. Thank you for loving us so much you gave us Arabella and thank you for all who have journeyed with us!!!!!

Joy through the journey

There really are two lines there:) Just noticing its not showing up here.

When a woman sees two lines on a pregnancy test, or a plus sign or a yes or whatever other indicator is used, something happens inside her, and it happens fast! A new part of her heart is opened, a bond is formed, and a string is connected from the mother's heart to the baby.  The morning of  buried daughters 1st birthday I had this experience. I had known for over a week what that test result was going to be, I was sick and it felt good! The second line on the test was just a double confirmation, and the trip to the doctor office to have my pregnancy hormone levels checked was a triple confirmation that once again a miracle had taken place. Tuesday morning, our 3 year old sweet Mayla placed her hand on my belly and said, 'it feels like there is a baby in there.' I was astonished, she had heard NO talk and knew nothing. The joy that ran through my body knowing she was right and knowing I would get to tell her soon that she would be a big sister again was exhilarating. My heart was hopeful. Finding out on Arabella's birthday felt like a massive redemption story. I had hope, telling myself THIS was going to be the baby we get to keep and bring home, and how cool of the timing of it all!!!!! And then, in a blink of an eye, it happened.

I wanted the bleeding to stop, I wanted to ignore it, it had only been a few short months since we saw this scene before and it felt like my heart was being ripped open....again. The strings and bond I had already formed was being snatched from my grip, and there was NOTHING I could do. Once again another projected birthday that would not bring about a birth. Broken-hearted, defeated, drained, confused, and frustrated I cried out to God. "God don't you see our longings, our desires? Don't they line up with yours? You give us the desires of our hearts, right? How can us wanting to grow our family not line up? You tell us to be fruitful and multiply, how doesn't that line up? What more can we learn from the agony, the pain, the hurt and the constant surrendering? What do you want from this? It's SOOOOO hard, and with each passing loss I feel less hopeful, more questions, a bigger sense of hurt and sadness and more grief..." My pain was intense and I didn't hold back....

After I came to terms that nothing I did could save the pregnancy, I dove into scripture. I had a choice, I could run to God and cling to the one who could hold me through it all, or I could run from Him and be utterly alone. As angry as I was with God and confused by Him, I knew enough that I needed him and I didn't go off my emotions but instead went with what I knew to be truth. Will and I shared our real emotions and thoughts together as well, knowing that in our brokenness and honesty is when healing can take place. I found my bible flipping between chapters in the book of Psalm. I was thankful I had underlined things through the years, because I needed all the help I could get. Over and over, sentence after sentence, as tears streamed down my face and I tried to find an answer for something I will never understand, I felt held. "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you." "For you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." God was speaking to me in a mighty way. "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him." And that's exactly what I did. I told him I was exhausted on every level, I was in too deep of waters, and worn out from calling for help. Then I came across this in Psalm 71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." I don't know how many more miscarriages we will have, I don't know how many more children we will lose, I don't know a lot of things and that's ok, but what I do know at the end of the day is God is still God, and I'm still me and he sees a lot more than I will ever see! 

Lately this song has been vibrating off the walls of our house, and the words resonate with me......

One part I really like (well Actually it's ALL good) but when the song says:

"I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am not"

Nothing about this feels good, nothing about this is welcomed, nothing about this is wanted, but I gotta stop with all that and realize God IS GOD! I can't get lost in the self pity, I can't get lost in the details and I have to stay focused. Focused for Will, focused for Mayla, focused for family, focused for friends,  because this life is not about me, but about God and others! 

Lantern two, no take off..

Lantern one, GREAT

On Arabella's birthday, Will and I thought it would be cool to send lanterns up that we had in our possession for almost a year, an amazing gift someone had given us. Each time we went to do them it either rained or was too windy, we celebrated the fact that now we would get to do two. One for Arabella, and one for Baby Foonf (five in german sound)! This was an amazing moment for me and I was elated. We lit them both at about the same time and the first went up with no problems, it was so cool! They were bigger than we thought they would be. The second lantern struggled and actually got a hole in it and caught on fire before a failed takeoff was deemed and was stomped out. I struggled with this at the time, I really struggled with it, I wrestled with the idea that it could be foreshadowing, a sign from God that something was wrong, I tried really hard to fight the fight that was going on inside. I won, but that didn't change the results, the only thing that it changed was the moments I had pregnant were spent enjoyed instead of in panic. 

God and I have had some good talks lately, some good cries and some real tough truth. God's shoulders are huge, he could handle what I was throwing His way, and he can handle what you want to throw His way too, he wants to hear from you. 

We have no answers to why, our pregnancy/baby history up till now is not so great and we don't know what the future holds but love, and patience! What we do know is that we have Mayla. The morning we miscarried she walked out of her bedroom, crawled right up onto my lap and snuggled me. She pulled her face away from my chest and said, 'why are you crying, are you sad?' I replied, Mayla, you are a miracle, and mommy is so thankful that God gave me you. And as each month passes, it's more evident that miracle that you are!" I squeezed her hard as the tears streamed down my cheeks and landed on her oversized night shirt I thought to myself,  "Will there ever be another little miracle inside me that will one day crawl up on my lap and snuggle into me and will she ever get the chance to be the big sister that she so desperately wants to be?"  

Tonight, or this morning I guess now that I see the time, I leave you with this thought. We all have our own junk, trials, hurts and frustrations, through whatever it is, who is depending on you to make the right choice? Maybe a choice to submit? A choice to surrender? A choice to admit? A choice to confess? or whatever is needed so that healing, growth or redemption can take place?! We aren't meant to journey alone and we need God and we need each other, but it takes work. 

Arabella's AMAZING Birthday

AMAZING DAY! BLOWN AWAY! Can I get a HEY? AND let's PRAY!!!!!!!!!! (So I think I need sleep).......

I barely have ANY energy left to type, or clear thinking left, but i'm going to try really hard to get this super amazingly exciting post out! ARABELLA"S BIRTHDAY TODAY ROCKED! My first ever cemetry party and by far one of my most favorite of all time AND the Amazing Arabella giveaway.

Tonight i'm just going to cover the birthday girl giveaway, it was such a huge part of her birthday and REALLY REALLY emphasises the #celebrateeverything.

The trickiest part of the process was packing all the items in our suburban. I thankfully had the wonderful help of both my sisters. We grew up with a 'semi professional' packing dad, he taught us well, and he would have been proud. Loading up I felt like our truck turned into a Mary Poppins bag, and then unloading it felt the same way..stuff just kept coming!!!!

I was moved, it was way fun, Mayla was PUMPED and Will and I held hands and squeezed each other's hands. It felt healing, it felt refreshing, it felt GOOD! One of the best things you can do to heal during grief is by helping others....healing was happening! THANK YOU ALL for helping! Strangers, family, friends, loved ones...THANK YOU!!!!!

ON OUR WAY!!!

Arabella bear was with us the whole day, Mayla was pumped to bring her along and show her what was going on. We were PACKED in there!

Busting at the seams when we opened the tailgate :o)

AMAZING helper, SHE SO got it

ALLLLLLL This!!! CELEBRATE EVERYTHING!!!!!

MORE TO COME LATER................

The night before....

I see other little babies that would be Arabella's age and I want to wrap my arms around them. I saw a complete stranger the other day holding a squirmy little guy who looked to be 11 months old. It was hot and the mom was trying really hard to control the child and not let them get down since it was an unsafe environment for the little guy. In my head I had the whole conversation and my actions played out how I would approach this lady and tag team with her, just to have a chance at holding him. I did stop myself in fear she would think I was a freak. My good friend had a little boy a week after Arabella was born, he is a gift to me. My friend will never know the deep love I have for that little man, and how much joy he has given me. When I look at him, I can guess what Arabella would be doing, and the smiles he gives me are priceless! God knew what I would need, and he gave it to me! These are called hugs from God...he cares, he knows me and he sees me!

I was just looking back over our last year of pictures. A lot happens according to the pictures we take in a year! It was a blast, but one thing was common from month to month to month; There is someone missing in every family photo that is taken; A daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter. Arabella bear made it into some pictures, that bear has become Mayla's BFF for one year now. Today Mayla bought her a new nuggi for her birthday:) Her way of going through grief and it's adorable. Hugs from God to hear her interact and take such good care of this 'pretend sister'. God cares, God knows, and God sees her!

Arabella Bear taking her first ride on the horse at the local grocery store.

I sat with a dear dear friend tonight by Arabella’s grave, after she left I stayed around, not quite ready to depart for the business of ‘life’ and the distractions that come ones way. There we were, Arabella and me, the wind, the memories, the images and then the tears. Oh how I miss her toes, and lips, she seriously had the most perfect lips I had ever laid eyes on, and her perfectly soft skin.

She was perfection. She was developmentally missing part of her skull, but I never notice that, and even though we did away with all the hats in the hospital after getting over the feeling like we had to ‘cover up her imperfections', I never ever have memories of that. When I think about her, see her, remember her, I see a perfect baby! She was fearfully and wonderfully made! God cares, God knows and God sees her!!!!

I have 300 thoughts racing through my mind, things I want to share, what I’ve learned over the past year, how I want to grow more, what advice I want to share with others going through something like this and I just can’t do it. I’m overwhelmed right now by people’s generosity. I”m overwhelmed right now by stories I’m still hearing 1 year later. I’m overwhelmed by how God really deeply cares. I’m overwhelmed by how I”m able to help others I don’t even know. I’m overwhelmed because of one of the best choices I have ever made, and that was to carry my baby to term, knowing she would not live! I’m overwhelmed because God chose me. God chose me!!!!!!!!

EXACTLY one year ago, Mayla dressing Arabella. That night we went to the hospital

I was scared, I was excited, I was not in control, I was surrendered to the one who made me and knew me. God was with us and he is to this day!

I sit in the dark, in the silence of the house:overwhelmed. I can no longer CLOSE the nursery room door, the room is FULL of stuff for her Birthday giveaway tomorrow (don't panic if you missed the date, i'm going to take another round of stuff there next week).  Tears run down my cheeks as I stand and look at the piles, i'm grateful, i'm in awe, i'm shocked, i'm brought to my knees in humility by all the love and support! THANK YOU!!!!!! Arabella's room was suppose to have all those things in it, and you have all made that possible, you have fulfilled a dream, my heart is full. My mommy cup runneth over!!

Will be delivered to Alpha Women's center tomorrow on Arabella's birthday. I"m SOOOO Excited!! THANK YOU THANK YOU! (This isn't all of it)

Celebrate good times....COME ON!!!!!!!!!

Almost 365 days have passed since I laid eyes on one of the most amazing gifts. Almost 525,600 minutes have passed since I held one of the most beautiful babies in my arms and almost 31,536,000 seconds have passed since Arabella Nani Ellis took her first of many many many unexpected breaths!

It's absolutely crazy to think that we are approaching her one year birthday,  my heart and emotions know the day is coming. Grief spikes at the one year mark, I thought I would be exempt. Not because I'm so tough and strong, but because of all the healing that has taken place, as the days continue on though, I realize that I'm not exempt and that's okay. I feel like I'm not only grieving the loss of Arabella, but the loss of Baby Feeah, and the months that have gone by with an empty womb and empty arms. I feel I was created to be a mother, and when the clock keeps ticking and I'm trying really really hard to do what I can to help the process (and yes it's fun, thank you God for inventing things the way you did, wink wink) it's tougher on me emotionally. Mayla is adorable, but she wears her emotions on the outside too (poor Will having to deal with two of us), and when she lies in bed at night and we are praying for God to open mommy's womb for another baby and you see your three year old sobbing because she wants a sibling, it's really really hard! Grief has been real, raw and JUST like the books say, random!

I've been thinking for months about her one year birthday, and playing around with a lot of ideas, but this idea that I've borrowed from a dear dear friend of mine SETS ME ON FIRE with excitement!

You're invited to celebrate Arabella Nani Elli's birthday with us! The theme we learned during Arabella's life and death was to #CELEBRATEEVERYTHING! It's tough some days, but we are doing it! And we would like your help to keep it going! Since Arabella isn't here to shower gifts upon, we invite you to bring us gifts, in honor of Arabella, that we will forward on to a place that is near and dear to our heart, Alpha Women's Center (https://www.alphawc.org/). I have been there a couple times and it's an amazing place. They care for pregnant mommies, unplanned and planned, and care for the babies and the needs they have after birth. Part of their vision is "Changing Hearts, Changing Lives. Changing Generations". Since losing Arabella, this place has meant more to me; Those going the distance to help others realize that every life matters! 

SOOOOOOOOOO It's Party time.............

In remembrance of Arabella on her birthday, August 19th, we will go to Alpha Women's center and drop off the gifts. I can not tell you the giddiness I have spiraling through my body at the thought of this. Gifts can be dropped off to our porch (or inside my home if I'm home and maybe we could have cookies together and chat), mailed to me, or I can pick things up or meet you somewhere! THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You can PM me if you are interested in coordinating a drop off or for my mailing address. Email address is keri.ellis22@gmail.com in case you want to communicate that way! 

So what can you give? Good question. Here is the list: SO FUN!!!!!!!!

NEW AND USED ACCEPTED:

• Children’s clothing – preemie to 6T

• Maternity Clothing and Nursing Bras

• Winter coats, hats, mittens, scarves, boots for all sizes 

• Infant Bedding

• Burp clothes and Bibs

• Socks and tights for babies and children

• Children’s bath towels, wash clothes and bath toys

• Toys and books – new or like new for our Christmas Shoppe

• Batteries any size to repair toys

• Children’s utensils, dishes and Sippy cups

• Back packs and school supplies

NEW ITEMS NEEDED:

• Diapers size newborn-6 (most needed: size 3, 4 and 5)

• New infant outfits, booties, toys, blankets, onesies

• Baby bottles and nipples

• Feminine products and toiletries

• Shampoo for women and babies

• Pack-n-plays

• Gift cards to Target, Staples, Office Max, Meijer, Family Fare, Gordon Foods, Hobby Lobby, Home Depot,  Michael’s, Bed Bath and Beyond, Baby’s R Us, Toys R Us, Best Buy, Lowe’s, Costco, Sam’s Club or other stores in our area.

Today I ran over and visited my girl. I told her what I was up to and the huge celebration that is to come! The image that plays through my mind, as if it's on a big screen, is the one when she was leaving this world and had a huge smile on her face! I can picture her smiling like that in heaven! Oh the surrendering, oh the relinquishing, and OH the JOY!!!!!

We prayed for all of you too as we shared peaceful time alone this morning.

There's a party goin' on right here

A dedication to last throughout the years

So bring your good times and your laughter too

We gonna celebrate and party with you

Come on now, celebration

Let's all celebrate and have a good time, yeah yeah

Celebration

We gonna celebrate and have a good time

It's time to come together

It's up to you, what's your pleasure?

Everyone around the world come on!

Yahoo!

It's a celebration

Yahoo!

It's a celebration

Celebrate good times, come on!

(Let's celebrate come on now)

Celebrate good times, come on!

(Let's celebrate)