6 years ago today…..

 You, Arabella Nani Ellis, surprised us, the medical team and the world. And we celebrated YOU! Today, 6 years later we still celebrate YOU! 

As Mayla and I huddled together this morning on the couch, we scrolled through hundreds of photos together.  Our voices went from songs of praise for all the people that hospital room held and the cherished memories to tears steaming down our cheeks as we both longed to have her in our life to full tears and sobs at all the passing time and missed moments to shouts of JOY for all that ‘incompatible’ baby accomplished in 45 hours. I answered questions Mayla has never asked and we watched videos Mayla has never seen. We both sat breathless as we watched Arabella taking her first breathes on an incredibly sweet video my husband filmed. Behind the camera tears of joy were heard coming from him as he watched in amazement the miracle before his eyes. She’s alive!!

Lately when I hear the song “Resurrecting” by Elevation Worship, it takes me back to our journey with her. 

“By Your spirit I will rise

From the ashes of defeat

The resurrected King,

 is resurrecting me

In Your name I come alive

To declare Your victory”

When we first got the news of her diagnosis it felt like defeat. If felt like defeat many days walking through our pregnancy. It felt like defeat when she left this earth. However, that’s not the place I stayed and that’s not the end of the story. The resurrected King picked me up, million times over and his work in me had made me come alive. Death is not the end, and that same King who defeated the grave wants you to come alive along side him to declare HIS victory. A lot in our life feels like ‘death’ right now. Arabella taught us to #celebrateeverything to pass onto others. The only way that’s possible is through the mighty grace of God. And I would LOVE on her birthday or any day, to share more of His great big huge love for YOU, my friend. 

Happy 6th Birthday my sweet girl who I miss every day. You Arabella Nani Ellis are a gift from above.   

No foot is too small to leave an imprint on this world. 

Forgiveness and Four

Yesterday on the grocery list I made sure to write, 'cake mix and frosting'. I was running through the store trying to remember if I had candles at home, and what exactly we would do for her birthday. I came home and after the hustle and bustle of the day found myself in the kitchen prepping to make the cake while Zella slept and Will and Mayla snuggled on the couch watching a movie. Thoughts were still running through my head, "what will we do? Where will we go? How can we make tomorrow special?" I had all the thoughts and feelings of a mommy the night before her daughters 4th birthday, however the sweet daughter was missing from the house and would be attending her party in a much much much more amazing place.

It's hard to believe 4 years ago today we delivered our sweet Arabella. She was alive and fully capable to show all signs of a newborn. Last night Will and I had the sweet moment together to lay in bed and think about 'all things Arabella'. We dreamed of what life would be like now, the way she smelled, the sounds she made, the many arms she was held in, the smiles and tears that were given so freely by the ones around us, feeding her, changing her, dancing with her. We never wanted the moments to end. Her lips were captivating and her relentless spirit was inspiring. We talked about the overwhelming support we received and how many just pushed 'pause' on their lives to be there in so many different ways for us. We felt carried and loved and although it was one of the most difficult places to ever be in, it was so incredibly beautiful.

God has been faithful our whole entire journey and constantly reminding us in many ways, 'I've got this." One thing I learned during our journey was, "I don't care what people think". It was a lesson I was forced into right at 12 weeks, when the word 'abort' was brought to our attention. We ignored that 'advice' and moving forward didn't care what the world tried to tell us. We had many comments on videos we posted and blogs we wrote during and after the pregnancy, and we lovingly deleted them, prayed for those people and moved on. There maybe people who see this post pop up and think, 'seriously Ellis', 4 years and you're still holding on and posting about her?' YUP, and guess what...I don't care what you think, in a loving way of course! I learned to take advice people had to say and it either went in one ear and out the other or it sunk deep into my heart and was absorbed by my body! If I would have chosen to get worked up by the silly things people said or did or didn't do for that matter, I probably would have one friend, be divorced and live in a basement somewhere. People will say things in our lives and disappoint us, because nothing this side of heaven is perfect! That perfection principle all got ruined in the Garden of Eden way back when and since then people have had problems and until Jesus comes again, people will continue to have problems. There is also Grace that has been given. Grace in from God, and Grace out for others is something we say often in our home. I went to counseling shortly after we lost her. Alone and with Will. I was desperate for help, especially the 5-7 month mark after she was gone. I was spiralling fast and once again didn't care what the world told me. I was weak, in need of help and so thankful there were support groups and loving people that genuinely wanted me 'healthy'. What are you putting off that you need 'help' from. Reach out, reach up, reach down, just reach out. Marriage, kids, family, faith, it's all hard stuff and we all go through different seasons. I can't imagine where I would be now without the help I got, but it took not caring what the world thought to get there! Despite what you see on facebook and the news there are loving people out there.

Last night laying Zella down for bed I had a really hard time putting her down. I just kept rocking her and holding her and snuggling her. If Arabella would have lived, I don't know if we would have Zella. But I know God had a plan and I'm so thankful it included another girl.

I don't know what our life would look like if she would have lived. We love to try and guess but we have no idea. We miss her, we think about her almost daily, but we also love the journey God took us on. We had the word of God as our foundation and joy as our mantra. #CELEBRATEEVERYTHING

May you experience the Love of Christ that is so deep and fresh and huge no matter WHAT you are going through. May you know that he created you and loves you. And no matter where you are at in life turing, 4 or 84, You're life matters and is worth celebrating and OTHER people's lives matter too. You have no idea what people are going through. GRACE!

The wonder and joy in the room when she was born was beautiful. 

So much thankfulness

Mayla 'reading' from the bible. I wish we videotaped what she was saying. 

We would have been lost without the word of God.

Most every picture we have of someone looking at Arabella, their face is covered in 'JOY'!

Date night a couple months ago, we love our time by her!

Upward

On this beautiful spring evening I needed to silence the noise around me. I opened the door to my truck and was greeted by the cool spring breeze as my eyes laid rest on the most beautiful little girls grave, my own daughters. I hadn’t visited her since winter left and her wreathe still hung surprisingly full of needles and greenery. I’m writing this as I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one out there who needs a gentle reminder that God is good and to #celebrateeverything. 

Every time I lay my head on her headstone I’m reminded of our journey. I’m reminded of the brutal-ness, the beautiful-ness and how both of these feelings filled my every single day. I fought so hard to choose joy and what’s different today? Why has that fight left and daily I’m ok with settling for mediocrity? I get lost in the grumbling, in the complaining and the whining. Life is more and the people around me deserve more, deserve better. I needed a hard reset and I found it here with my daughter, near her grave. Reflecting back and looking upward. How can my past propel me forward? 

I laid, looking up at the blue sky, strung with all sorts of cloud formations that were swirling by; A reminder of how fast life goes! How am I doing with the few seconds I have here on this earth? Amongst the fallen limbs and scattered branches in the cemetery, a sign of the harshness of winter, spring was trying to burst through. It was a great reminder to look upward. It was a great reminder about the refreshing, the reinvigorating, and the renewal that's not only something that we can get from spring time but something that we can have every day, no matter the season, from a loving Savior. 

I’ve been caught up in the rush of life. Forgetting the foundational basics to trust God, have faith, give thanks, pray always and CHOOSE JOY! Don’t let life suck it out of you. It wants to in every way, fight for your day, before you blink, life changes. 

Praying for you as I pray for myself "that we would throw away our laziness, coldness or whatever is interfering with our pure love for Christ. Make him the source and the center, and the One who encompasses every delight of our souls. Refuse to be satisfied any longer with our meager accomplishments. Aspire to a higher, a nobler, and a fuller life. Upward to heaven! Nearer to God!" -Charles H. Spurgeon

The one Year Rainbow

Three hundred and sixty five days we have had a little rainbow in our house. One whole year. This rainbow is proof that the Lord who created the world is still in the miracle business today! Eight hundred and twelve days we waited and prayed and anticipated her arrival.

The song 'Great are you Lord' by Sons and Daughters is one my favorite. The lyrics get me every time.

You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise to You only

Our story ends with a baby in our arms, I realize this is not everyone's story! The longing for a tiny miracle some mommies carry with them their whole lives, NEVER fulfilled and for some families the loss never ends, it's one after the other and I'm SOOO SOOO very sorry. This life is not fair and the hurt and pain is deep. God wants to meet you in that pain and help you carry it. He IS THE HOPE and the ONLY one who can restore every heart that is broken whether it's over a child, a spouse, a family member, a business or an illness, Great is the Lord!

A while ago during my devo's I came across this poem.

"The flowers live by the tears that fall
From the sad face of the skies;
And life would have no joys at all,
Were there no watery eyes.
Love the sorrow, for grief will bring
Its own reward in the later years;
THE rainbow!! See how fair a thing
God has build up from tears."

Oh how my tears have fallen over the years (and still do to this day). With the celebration of Zella's first birthday I would love to say it's brought about all kinds of warm fuzzies and joyous moments, but it's been hard too. I've realized that she will forever be in the shadows of a sister she never knew. As the milestones come, so do the tears over the one who we never had enough time with that came before her. The more I wanted to celebrate Zella the more I found myself longing for Arabella, this was NOT something I was anticipating and hit me out of left field. Part of me wanted to share for other mommies who may be starting this journey and not only warn you, but let you know IT"S OK! Parenthood is tough whether you have a living child or a deceased child or a mix of both. AND IT'S OK to reach out and admit how you feel about it all! I struggled as I wasn't understanding what was happening. Here is this amazing little girl I have and all I want is the one back I don't have. Proof for everyone reading too that NO child will ever replace a lost baby. The void is still there and some times greater!

Zella has taught me so much in the last year, some lessons I'm learning quicker than others. I've learned how much grace I need to offer myself and just BE in the moment I'm in. I've learned that I seriously have an OCD problem and my Type A personality is sometimes louder than the screams and 'mommy calls' from my children. I've learned that perfectionism is not something to attain but something to leave permanently crossed off the to-do list as it will never be attained, but instead to strive for optimism in all I do (still working on this BIG TIME). I've learned the importance of saying 'yes' to help and asking for help. People LOVE to help others, so why squash that. Try accepting someone's offer this week or reach out and ask for help. I've learned how important communication is and the DRASTIC importance of putting my husband first above my children. I fell in love with him first before the kids came, so I need to keep that theme throughout my every day! WOW is this tough. I love how having kids refines who I am in Jesus and points out how far I still have to go.

Zella is a gift from above and she has been an awesome addition to our imperfect family. She is so happy and curious and occasionally snuggly. She loves books and hide and seek and playing in Mayla's room. And she loves to distract me, what she's the best at!

Life is a rocky hilly joyous beautiful mess and I'm glad God picked me to be Will's wife, Mayla's mom, Arabella's mom and Zella's mom! And I'm glad in God's word it says that He will NEVER leave or forsake me, because without HIM I would be LOST!

Photos By: Memories By Mandy THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

 http://www.memoriesbymandy.com/Memories_By_Mandy_Photography/Home.html

HAPPY DAY ARABELLA IS THREE

I remember that morning so well.....I can put myself back in that hospital room, I can feel the antcipation and timidness of the nurses as they scurried about, I can feel the stillness as we longed to hear that baby cry, the sound of life. And then we welcomed her, the room next door was filled with family and they rejoiced, I could feel the giddiness through the walls. We were an awe, she was ALIVE! SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL!!

Today we celebrate her 3rd birthday. Some moments it's hard to believe it was 3 years ago that we witnessed a 5 pound miracle that the doctors wanted us to abort, other times it feels like forever since I laid my eyes on her sweet long body, and those luscious lips. She was amazing, we fell in love FAST and we began absorbing every second knowing they were fleeting from her first breathe!

Three years and we still get to talk about her, we still include her and we miss her more and more each day! I long for heaven now more than ever, I long for completion. To be sitting at Jesus' feet, one with my King and holding all my babies. Worshiping Him for what he has done, what he does and what He will continue to do; be the lover of my soul!

Our sweet little Zella will never replace Arabella, if anything it has made me miss her more! Seeing Zella go through all her baby milestones has me longing for those moments back with Arabella. I long to know what she would have looked like, how Mayla would have loved her, what her personality and demeanor would have been. Would the dark hair have stayed? Oh my heart longs for her and the aching arms will never go away.

Zella, Mayla and I were playing on the floor the other day and out of no where Mayla says, "Mom, wouldn't it have been awesome if Arabella stayed alive and it was us three girls?" A thump formed in my throat as Mayla had verbalized what I had thought many many times, "Yes Mayla, that would be amazing!"

#celebrateeverthing It was a part of our whole journey, from the 12 week ultrasound when we learned about that foreign word 'anencephaly' up to this day, that phrase is used often. I made a sign that hangs at the end of our hallway, sometimes I look at it and laugh. In 10 years how outdated will the whole 'hashtag' phrase be. Oh well...we love it. Other times I look at it and I'm taken back to those first few months and year without her, and how celebrating everything didn't really 'fit'. There were so many miserable moments and I had to learn to fight hard. Having my focus be on something other than the misery I was going through though made a DRASTIC difference to where I could be to where I am now! Before something goes into action, it's a thought. I had to train my brain. I was so deeply hurt and lost and even though many mommies have lost babies in all sorts of ways, I felt so alone! Men and women process differently, the one person who had been my team mate for years felt like a stranger to me, and to this day we are very different in regards to this and further brain training is still needed. Neither is wrong, just different. #celebrateeverything. When all I wanted to do was hold her and instead we were visiting her at a funeral home, I had to train my brain, surrender, and #celebrateeverything. When she's turning three and I want to hear her sweet voice, hold her hand, and kiss her cheeks, I have to train my brain, surrender and #celebrateeverything. This journey still has it's ripple effects and I'm forever grateful to the ones who continue to say something, continue to share her story and continue to journey with us! Arabella's journey has been a journey that reminds me of the cross. The ripple effect of Christ is something else I'm extremely grateful for. I"m thankful for the ones that continue to proclaim Him and talk about Him and journey towards heaven with us! We all have a choice for the trials we face, and I'm far from perfect and fail many many times a day, but I'm thankful for our journey and what I have been blessed to learn along the way!

Today was a continued lesson from Arabella's short life, I look at it as a little 'pop-quiz'. And for once I can say I PASSED. I, KERI, had plans...I had ideas for today and was holding them tight in my hands. You see, Arabella is no longer alive, but I'm still a mom, and even mommies with babies in the ground get ideas for birthdays and want the plans to go JUST right! God had different plans for my day and THAT was OK (I'm type A, and God knows)! A very fussy teething infant, a swimming, surfing, skiing, tubing, wake boarding mermaid, said fussy infant who at midnight is STILL crying. (I am managing a few sentences in between snuggles.....) jetski rides with Mayla driving, fussy infant, teaching people to ski and surf, laughs, cries, sharp object stuck in my 5 year olds foot, infant not eating, and an incredible sunset. No cake, no candles, no birthday singing, no lanterns, no birthday cake oreos, no presents (those were all the planned items in my head).  Instead of a long winded graveside hang out, it was a 10pm drive by quick stop, and that's ok! It's ok because my God is bigger than all of that, and He's bigger than your to-do lists being disrupted too. I'm not a bad mom because what I wanted to do today didn't get done. I've been trying to do a better job waking up in the morning saying, TODAY is YOURS Lord, do as you please (I have been trying is the key word, not succeeding often is the reality).  What are you holding so close right now that you don't think you can let go of..is it your agenda, your future, your kids, or your addictions? God wants them at the cross, He wants your day to be HIS day. Surrendered when you wake up, surrendered when you take a step, surrendered when you sit. You are His, YOU have been chosen the bible tells us and This God is big enough to help you handle what you don't think you can.

I started going through photos...I wish we had more, but what I find interesting is as many times as I have been through them new ones stick out and I see something I've missed before! God is SOOO good, it is Well with my soul! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GIRL!!!!!! You taught me to CHOOSE JOY!

Photo Credit:Kristy Berends Photography
Arabella Nani Ellis Born August 19th, 2015

Dear Jesus, this road is tough, but you WILL never leave us nor forsake us. Thank you for loving us so much you gave us Arabella and thank you for all who have journeyed with us!!!!!