6 years ago today…..

 You, Arabella Nani Ellis, surprised us, the medical team and the world. And we celebrated YOU! Today, 6 years later we still celebrate YOU! 

As Mayla and I huddled together this morning on the couch, we scrolled through hundreds of photos together.  Our voices went from songs of praise for all the people that hospital room held and the cherished memories to tears steaming down our cheeks as we both longed to have her in our life to full tears and sobs at all the passing time and missed moments to shouts of JOY for all that ‘incompatible’ baby accomplished in 45 hours. I answered questions Mayla has never asked and we watched videos Mayla has never seen. We both sat breathless as we watched Arabella taking her first breathes on an incredibly sweet video my husband filmed. Behind the camera tears of joy were heard coming from him as he watched in amazement the miracle before his eyes. She’s alive!!

Lately when I hear the song “Resurrecting” by Elevation Worship, it takes me back to our journey with her. 

“By Your spirit I will rise

From the ashes of defeat

The resurrected King,

 is resurrecting me

In Your name I come alive

To declare Your victory”

When we first got the news of her diagnosis it felt like defeat. If felt like defeat many days walking through our pregnancy. It felt like defeat when she left this earth. However, that’s not the place I stayed and that’s not the end of the story. The resurrected King picked me up, million times over and his work in me had made me come alive. Death is not the end, and that same King who defeated the grave wants you to come alive along side him to declare HIS victory. A lot in our life feels like ‘death’ right now. Arabella taught us to #celebrateeverything to pass onto others. The only way that’s possible is through the mighty grace of God. And I would LOVE on her birthday or any day, to share more of His great big huge love for YOU, my friend. 

Happy 6th Birthday my sweet girl who I miss every day. You Arabella Nani Ellis are a gift from above.   

No foot is too small to leave an imprint on this world. 

Forgiveness and Four

Yesterday on the grocery list I made sure to write, 'cake mix and frosting'. I was running through the store trying to remember if I had candles at home, and what exactly we would do for her birthday. I came home and after the hustle and bustle of the day found myself in the kitchen prepping to make the cake while Zella slept and Will and Mayla snuggled on the couch watching a movie. Thoughts were still running through my head, "what will we do? Where will we go? How can we make tomorrow special?" I had all the thoughts and feelings of a mommy the night before her daughters 4th birthday, however the sweet daughter was missing from the house and would be attending her party in a much much much more amazing place.

It's hard to believe 4 years ago today we delivered our sweet Arabella. She was alive and fully capable to show all signs of a newborn. Last night Will and I had the sweet moment together to lay in bed and think about 'all things Arabella'. We dreamed of what life would be like now, the way she smelled, the sounds she made, the many arms she was held in, the smiles and tears that were given so freely by the ones around us, feeding her, changing her, dancing with her. We never wanted the moments to end. Her lips were captivating and her relentless spirit was inspiring. We talked about the overwhelming support we received and how many just pushed 'pause' on their lives to be there in so many different ways for us. We felt carried and loved and although it was one of the most difficult places to ever be in, it was so incredibly beautiful.

God has been faithful our whole entire journey and constantly reminding us in many ways, 'I've got this." One thing I learned during our journey was, "I don't care what people think". It was a lesson I was forced into right at 12 weeks, when the word 'abort' was brought to our attention. We ignored that 'advice' and moving forward didn't care what the world tried to tell us. We had many comments on videos we posted and blogs we wrote during and after the pregnancy, and we lovingly deleted them, prayed for those people and moved on. There maybe people who see this post pop up and think, 'seriously Ellis', 4 years and you're still holding on and posting about her?' YUP, and guess what...I don't care what you think, in a loving way of course! I learned to take advice people had to say and it either went in one ear and out the other or it sunk deep into my heart and was absorbed by my body! If I would have chosen to get worked up by the silly things people said or did or didn't do for that matter, I probably would have one friend, be divorced and live in a basement somewhere. People will say things in our lives and disappoint us, because nothing this side of heaven is perfect! That perfection principle all got ruined in the Garden of Eden way back when and since then people have had problems and until Jesus comes again, people will continue to have problems. There is also Grace that has been given. Grace in from God, and Grace out for others is something we say often in our home. I went to counseling shortly after we lost her. Alone and with Will. I was desperate for help, especially the 5-7 month mark after she was gone. I was spiralling fast and once again didn't care what the world told me. I was weak, in need of help and so thankful there were support groups and loving people that genuinely wanted me 'healthy'. What are you putting off that you need 'help' from. Reach out, reach up, reach down, just reach out. Marriage, kids, family, faith, it's all hard stuff and we all go through different seasons. I can't imagine where I would be now without the help I got, but it took not caring what the world thought to get there! Despite what you see on facebook and the news there are loving people out there.

Last night laying Zella down for bed I had a really hard time putting her down. I just kept rocking her and holding her and snuggling her. If Arabella would have lived, I don't know if we would have Zella. But I know God had a plan and I'm so thankful it included another girl.

I don't know what our life would look like if she would have lived. We love to try and guess but we have no idea. We miss her, we think about her almost daily, but we also love the journey God took us on. We had the word of God as our foundation and joy as our mantra. #CELEBRATEEVERYTHING

May you experience the Love of Christ that is so deep and fresh and huge no matter WHAT you are going through. May you know that he created you and loves you. And no matter where you are at in life turing, 4 or 84, You're life matters and is worth celebrating and OTHER people's lives matter too. You have no idea what people are going through. GRACE!

The wonder and joy in the room when she was born was beautiful. 

So much thankfulness

Mayla 'reading' from the bible. I wish we videotaped what she was saying. 

We would have been lost without the word of God.

Most every picture we have of someone looking at Arabella, their face is covered in 'JOY'!

Date night a couple months ago, we love our time by her!

Upward

On this beautiful spring evening I needed to silence the noise around me. I opened the door to my truck and was greeted by the cool spring breeze as my eyes laid rest on the most beautiful little girls grave, my own daughters. I hadn’t visited her since winter left and her wreathe still hung surprisingly full of needles and greenery. I’m writing this as I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one out there who needs a gentle reminder that God is good and to #celebrateeverything. 

Every time I lay my head on her headstone I’m reminded of our journey. I’m reminded of the brutal-ness, the beautiful-ness and how both of these feelings filled my every single day. I fought so hard to choose joy and what’s different today? Why has that fight left and daily I’m ok with settling for mediocrity? I get lost in the grumbling, in the complaining and the whining. Life is more and the people around me deserve more, deserve better. I needed a hard reset and I found it here with my daughter, near her grave. Reflecting back and looking upward. How can my past propel me forward? 

I laid, looking up at the blue sky, strung with all sorts of cloud formations that were swirling by; A reminder of how fast life goes! How am I doing with the few seconds I have here on this earth? Amongst the fallen limbs and scattered branches in the cemetery, a sign of the harshness of winter, spring was trying to burst through. It was a great reminder to look upward. It was a great reminder about the refreshing, the reinvigorating, and the renewal that's not only something that we can get from spring time but something that we can have every day, no matter the season, from a loving Savior. 

I’ve been caught up in the rush of life. Forgetting the foundational basics to trust God, have faith, give thanks, pray always and CHOOSE JOY! Don’t let life suck it out of you. It wants to in every way, fight for your day, before you blink, life changes. 

Praying for you as I pray for myself "that we would throw away our laziness, coldness or whatever is interfering with our pure love for Christ. Make him the source and the center, and the One who encompasses every delight of our souls. Refuse to be satisfied any longer with our meager accomplishments. Aspire to a higher, a nobler, and a fuller life. Upward to heaven! Nearer to God!" -Charles H. Spurgeon

The one Year Rainbow

Three hundred and sixty five days we have had a little rainbow in our house. One whole year. This rainbow is proof that the Lord who created the world is still in the miracle business today! Eight hundred and twelve days we waited and prayed and anticipated her arrival.

The song 'Great are you Lord' by Sons and Daughters is one my favorite. The lyrics get me every time.

You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise to You only

Our story ends with a baby in our arms, I realize this is not everyone's story! The longing for a tiny miracle some mommies carry with them their whole lives, NEVER fulfilled and for some families the loss never ends, it's one after the other and I'm SOOO SOOO very sorry. This life is not fair and the hurt and pain is deep. God wants to meet you in that pain and help you carry it. He IS THE HOPE and the ONLY one who can restore every heart that is broken whether it's over a child, a spouse, a family member, a business or an illness, Great is the Lord!

A while ago during my devo's I came across this poem.

"The flowers live by the tears that fall
From the sad face of the skies;
And life would have no joys at all,
Were there no watery eyes.
Love the sorrow, for grief will bring
Its own reward in the later years;
THE rainbow!! See how fair a thing
God has build up from tears."

Oh how my tears have fallen over the years (and still do to this day). With the celebration of Zella's first birthday I would love to say it's brought about all kinds of warm fuzzies and joyous moments, but it's been hard too. I've realized that she will forever be in the shadows of a sister she never knew. As the milestones come, so do the tears over the one who we never had enough time with that came before her. The more I wanted to celebrate Zella the more I found myself longing for Arabella, this was NOT something I was anticipating and hit me out of left field. Part of me wanted to share for other mommies who may be starting this journey and not only warn you, but let you know IT"S OK! Parenthood is tough whether you have a living child or a deceased child or a mix of both. AND IT'S OK to reach out and admit how you feel about it all! I struggled as I wasn't understanding what was happening. Here is this amazing little girl I have and all I want is the one back I don't have. Proof for everyone reading too that NO child will ever replace a lost baby. The void is still there and some times greater!

Zella has taught me so much in the last year, some lessons I'm learning quicker than others. I've learned how much grace I need to offer myself and just BE in the moment I'm in. I've learned that I seriously have an OCD problem and my Type A personality is sometimes louder than the screams and 'mommy calls' from my children. I've learned that perfectionism is not something to attain but something to leave permanently crossed off the to-do list as it will never be attained, but instead to strive for optimism in all I do (still working on this BIG TIME). I've learned the importance of saying 'yes' to help and asking for help. People LOVE to help others, so why squash that. Try accepting someone's offer this week or reach out and ask for help. I've learned how important communication is and the DRASTIC importance of putting my husband first above my children. I fell in love with him first before the kids came, so I need to keep that theme throughout my every day! WOW is this tough. I love how having kids refines who I am in Jesus and points out how far I still have to go.

Zella is a gift from above and she has been an awesome addition to our imperfect family. She is so happy and curious and occasionally snuggly. She loves books and hide and seek and playing in Mayla's room. And she loves to distract me, what she's the best at!

Life is a rocky hilly joyous beautiful mess and I'm glad God picked me to be Will's wife, Mayla's mom, Arabella's mom and Zella's mom! And I'm glad in God's word it says that He will NEVER leave or forsake me, because without HIM I would be LOST!

Photos By: Memories By Mandy THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

 http://www.memoriesbymandy.com/Memories_By_Mandy_Photography/Home.html

HAPPY DAY ARABELLA IS THREE

I remember that morning so well.....I can put myself back in that hospital room, I can feel the antcipation and timidness of the nurses as they scurried about, I can feel the stillness as we longed to hear that baby cry, the sound of life. And then we welcomed her, the room next door was filled with family and they rejoiced, I could feel the giddiness through the walls. We were an awe, she was ALIVE! SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL!!

Today we celebrate her 3rd birthday. Some moments it's hard to believe it was 3 years ago that we witnessed a 5 pound miracle that the doctors wanted us to abort, other times it feels like forever since I laid my eyes on her sweet long body, and those luscious lips. She was amazing, we fell in love FAST and we began absorbing every second knowing they were fleeting from her first breathe!

Three years and we still get to talk about her, we still include her and we miss her more and more each day! I long for heaven now more than ever, I long for completion. To be sitting at Jesus' feet, one with my King and holding all my babies. Worshiping Him for what he has done, what he does and what He will continue to do; be the lover of my soul!

Our sweet little Zella will never replace Arabella, if anything it has made me miss her more! Seeing Zella go through all her baby milestones has me longing for those moments back with Arabella. I long to know what she would have looked like, how Mayla would have loved her, what her personality and demeanor would have been. Would the dark hair have stayed? Oh my heart longs for her and the aching arms will never go away.

Zella, Mayla and I were playing on the floor the other day and out of no where Mayla says, "Mom, wouldn't it have been awesome if Arabella stayed alive and it was us three girls?" A thump formed in my throat as Mayla had verbalized what I had thought many many times, "Yes Mayla, that would be amazing!"

#celebrateeverthing It was a part of our whole journey, from the 12 week ultrasound when we learned about that foreign word 'anencephaly' up to this day, that phrase is used often. I made a sign that hangs at the end of our hallway, sometimes I look at it and laugh. In 10 years how outdated will the whole 'hashtag' phrase be. Oh well...we love it. Other times I look at it and I'm taken back to those first few months and year without her, and how celebrating everything didn't really 'fit'. There were so many miserable moments and I had to learn to fight hard. Having my focus be on something other than the misery I was going through though made a DRASTIC difference to where I could be to where I am now! Before something goes into action, it's a thought. I had to train my brain. I was so deeply hurt and lost and even though many mommies have lost babies in all sorts of ways, I felt so alone! Men and women process differently, the one person who had been my team mate for years felt like a stranger to me, and to this day we are very different in regards to this and further brain training is still needed. Neither is wrong, just different. #celebrateeverything. When all I wanted to do was hold her and instead we were visiting her at a funeral home, I had to train my brain, surrender, and #celebrateeverything. When she's turning three and I want to hear her sweet voice, hold her hand, and kiss her cheeks, I have to train my brain, surrender and #celebrateeverything. This journey still has it's ripple effects and I'm forever grateful to the ones who continue to say something, continue to share her story and continue to journey with us! Arabella's journey has been a journey that reminds me of the cross. The ripple effect of Christ is something else I'm extremely grateful for. I"m thankful for the ones that continue to proclaim Him and talk about Him and journey towards heaven with us! We all have a choice for the trials we face, and I'm far from perfect and fail many many times a day, but I'm thankful for our journey and what I have been blessed to learn along the way!

Today was a continued lesson from Arabella's short life, I look at it as a little 'pop-quiz'. And for once I can say I PASSED. I, KERI, had plans...I had ideas for today and was holding them tight in my hands. You see, Arabella is no longer alive, but I'm still a mom, and even mommies with babies in the ground get ideas for birthdays and want the plans to go JUST right! God had different plans for my day and THAT was OK (I'm type A, and God knows)! A very fussy teething infant, a swimming, surfing, skiing, tubing, wake boarding mermaid, said fussy infant who at midnight is STILL crying. (I am managing a few sentences in between snuggles.....) jetski rides with Mayla driving, fussy infant, teaching people to ski and surf, laughs, cries, sharp object stuck in my 5 year olds foot, infant not eating, and an incredible sunset. No cake, no candles, no birthday singing, no lanterns, no birthday cake oreos, no presents (those were all the planned items in my head).  Instead of a long winded graveside hang out, it was a 10pm drive by quick stop, and that's ok! It's ok because my God is bigger than all of that, and He's bigger than your to-do lists being disrupted too. I'm not a bad mom because what I wanted to do today didn't get done. I've been trying to do a better job waking up in the morning saying, TODAY is YOURS Lord, do as you please (I have been trying is the key word, not succeeding often is the reality).  What are you holding so close right now that you don't think you can let go of..is it your agenda, your future, your kids, or your addictions? God wants them at the cross, He wants your day to be HIS day. Surrendered when you wake up, surrendered when you take a step, surrendered when you sit. You are His, YOU have been chosen the bible tells us and This God is big enough to help you handle what you don't think you can.

I started going through photos...I wish we had more, but what I find interesting is as many times as I have been through them new ones stick out and I see something I've missed before! God is SOOO good, it is Well with my soul! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GIRL!!!!!! You taught me to CHOOSE JOY!

Photo Credit:Kristy Berends Photography
Arabella Nani Ellis Born August 19th, 2015

Dear Jesus, this road is tough, but you WILL never leave us nor forsake us. Thank you for loving us so much you gave us Arabella and thank you for all who have journeyed with us!!!!!

All my girls together, yet in different places.

The day was perfect, finally warm enough to melt the snow and reveal the words. Arabella Nani Ellis. The gravesite was accessible; the sun was warm, the wind was brisk and was a gentle reminder that winter was looming, but we were there, all my girls together, just not in a way I ever imagined!

"Arabella Nani, meet your little sister Zella Rae. Zella Rae, meet your big sister, Arabella Nani." The words rolled off my lips as the tears rolled down my cheeks.  I stood over the grave and tried to take in the moment. I celebrated the amazing gift I was holding so tightly in my arms, but longed for the one that lay down in the dirt. I didn't know how to react. We have Zella because we don't have Arabella, but yet I miss Arabella but couldn't ever imagine life without Zella. I just paused, breathed and prayed. "Lord Jesus, this is a place and a space I don't know how to do, but I know you get my longings, my feelings, my pain, my excitement and Lord I surrender it all to you. Thank you that you have known best since the beginning of time and since you formed me in my mothers womb." Just then I looked down to see Mayla kissing the grave as she was saying, "Arabella, it's us, YOUR sisters, we came to visit you, we love you SOOOO much, we have a new sister, her name is Zella!" And then off she ran to do a 'lap' around the path. My heart smiled, Mayla's joy was contagious as she bounded off I uttered the words, 'It is well, with my soul."

The grave visit was healing for me and something I had LONGED to do, but between snow, freezing temps, rain, wind and newborn life, it just didn't happen. Being there with my girls was something I envisioned many times, but like most things, how you envision it is never how it happens, and this time IT WAS BETTER! The pics I took speak volumes, just look at the joy radiating from Mayla...that JOY was what we all experienced and it was possible because of what God has done for us; sending His son to this world, a sinless man, dying on the cross so that we can live in freedom and have the opportunity to live eternally..and see Arabella again some day!

The time was joyous with many bubbles and sun shining down. 

Zella is ten weeks old and in raw blog honest fashion, it hasn't been all snuggles and cooing. It was a little ugly and emotionally I wasn't ready for it. Rainbow baby, that's Zella..meaning we have been through a storm, right, well, I walked out of the hospital feeling entitled (parenting problem number one). I thought the storms had passed and we have been through years of hardships, so our hard times had expired and we were due for nothing but bliss and blessings....HA, I can laugh now! First things, if you have been through a lot in life and think your time should be done, it doesn't matter, you're not in control. There is a reason, so strap up your sneakers, grab some caffeine (or chocolate in my case), and get ready to run the race in front of you, and grab some sane friends to join you, cuz ladies and gents, it's not safe to journey alone!

I cried, I lamented, I threw things, and I kept cleaning, cuz quite frankly that's the only thing I felt I knew how do to well, everything else seemed impossible. Zella was cranky, my husband was gone, Mayla was smothering, Zella's projectile was coating the floor and the walls and the sofa and the cushions, and I was trying to hold it all together and of course, make it look like I was doing it well, cuz that's what the world tells you you should do! Who is 'the world' anyways and why do we feel we need to live up to the standard of 'the world'? Does 'the world' come knock on our door and give us a grade? Does someone just stop by our house and evaluate us spontaneously and give us a prize if our house passes the white glove test and our kids don't whine and eat their broccoli at the same time? No, that doesn't happen, so I needed to figure out how to live differently! Mamma's stress and anxiety and pouting was not helping anyone.

Around 7 weeks was my breaking point. Will was working late, Mayla had just gone to bed and I thought It was going to be a 'calm' night. Zella started to projectile so bad she wasn't breathing. I started screaming for Mayla to get out of bed and find my phone, as she was sprinting around the house I was trying to get Zella to breathe and all rational thinking went out the door. And I'm sad to say I didn't even think to pray. As I grabbed my phone about to dial 911, Zella started breathing. I stood in the bathroom, baby puke lining the house from Zella's room to the bathroom and I just cried! Mayla wrapped her arms around my leg and with a joyful bliss said, 'Mommy, Papi is not here, but I'm here to help, should we give her a bath?" Mayla was a gift that night and God was blessing me through her. She thought this projectile stuff that got her out of bed and able to help was pretty cool! So Mayla and Mommy gave Zella a bath together and in the 10 weeks we have had her, it's one of my most sacred memories together; such a scary moment, turned into one of the most beautiful moments. I wish I had more hands that night and could have taken a picture and had a photo to share; It was the night I needed that I didn't know I needed.

I had taken every blessing and turned it into grumbling. I was making a mockery of God's grace, thinking he 'owed' me something. I was a discontent wife, looking for the bad and speaking negatively about my team mate. The joyous gifts around me were being stuffed and smothered by the mundane of motherhood and the ploys of the devil and I fell for them...UNTIL that night when God reminded me that all is from Him and Arabella didn't teach us to #celebrateeverything for no reason!!!!

#celebrateeverything #celebrateeverything #celebrateevertyhing #celebrateeverything

During this time I was trying to pick my word for the year, the word 'possible' kept popping up, but I thought over and over, 'no that's not it, I need something else.....and then there it was again, 'possible'. So I started to think, "actually that's the perfect word". I needed an all encompassing word and that one could be it. I needed positivity in my life instead of negativity, and that word was it! I instantly got stoked. I need to be more of a 'yes' wife and a 'yes' mom instead of always shooting down. I need to remember what my God did for me and therefore is possible to do for others; to love, to accept, to forgive and to offer grace. Possible is not only a word to apply to my actions, but to my heart as well. It's possible to have freeing from my past, it's possible to have continued healing from the loss of Arabella, it's possible to use scripture and do battle with the enemy when he wants to tear me down. When you start thinking things are possible, you want to to what it takes to see that happen, and I'm determined to live this year trusting in Jesus for him to show me the POSSIBLE, because only HE can do it and NOW is the time! Isaiah 41:10 is my verse. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you you with my righteous right hand."

What's your word for the year? In what ways can you have a 'mental shift' to help make life a little better for you and for those around you? What are you feeling 'entitled to' that you need to let go of? What areas can you go from grumbling to celebrating? NOW is the TIME!

Some fun pics from our photo shoot we had shortly after Zella was born. These photos are a massive blessing to me that I cherish and look at frequently. We can't thank Kim Zuidema Photography enough for capturing so many amazing moments with our family!

Handpicked for Earth by her sister in Heaven

Monday, November 20th, in the dark of the night, pitocin was dripping into the IV that felt like it was taped to my arm for life. The numbers climbed fast from 2ml to 4ml to 8ml to 10ml to 12ml, then 16ml and then 18ml (20ml is the highest). I knew things were going to start getting crazy soon! While we waited and waited and most of the world slept, we tried to sleep too...The delivery bed in that hospital is intended for one thing, delivery, NOT sleeping, so I snuggled up to my hubby on the pull out 'bed' and there we laid in each others arms. My big belly hanging off one side, and his arm cradled under my head. We spent time sleeping, praying, dreaming and praying some more and we waited. I could write an entire blog about the feelings, thoughts and emotions that were running through my muscle fibers, veins heart and mind during that time. Here we were, just hours away from meeting the 6th life that has been formed inside my womb and yet the 2nd child we would hopefully be bringing home. All I could say over and over, "Lord I surrender all, Lord she is yours, Lord protect our family".

 Around 7am things started to get real and between the squats I was doing, the dancing with my hubby and bouncing around the room and the number 18ml on the pitocin drip, I wasn't surprised; There was no slowing this train down. By 11am I was wondering where that Anesthesiologist was they told me would be on his way FOREVER ago, by 11:15am, I was telling myself VERY firmly that when I talked, I still needed to say please and thank you to my husband and the nurses and by 11:30 I was getting a little cranky about that anesthesiologist. 12:12pm, the whole team walked out, happy meds in me, and I laid a bit more relaxed and dilated to a 9 (first time they had checked me since I was admitted) And good thing they didn't check before the epidural or they might not have let me have it. I knew she would be coming soon!

I had flashbacks to Arabella's birth, and all I wanted was this girl to be alive and healthy and well. Four quick pushes and she was in my arms, GOD IS GOOD...Tears of joy and hope and surrender and willingness ran down both Will and I's cheeks as we studied the miracle that laid in my arms. She was our Rainbow, Handpicked for earth by her sister in Heaven. Zella Rae Ellis, meaning happy and blessed and warrior girl. Rae meaning Grace, now all our girls have Grace in some variation as their middle name. We had her because we lost Arabella, the pain and joy that brought me all at once was overwhelming. Gods hand ran rampant through the whole timing and delivery and birth of sweet Zella. Want to know who our delivering nurse was, one of the first nurses we started with when we were admitted for Arabella, she was able to see our story come full circle, as where 3 other nurses that were all part of our labor and loss journey the past 2 years. What a God hug, what a joy!!!! We had very thankful and grateful hearts in the moments we wrapped our arms around those nurses who have journeyed with us and what a blessing when they held our daughter.

In the few short minutes after she was born, Satan tried to steal our joy. When they uttered they would possibly have to take our daughter to NICU for an IV because of her glucose levels (not that big of a deal, but to me I was freaking out inside), we prayed hard core over her and we asked others to pray. Her numbers started stabilizing but Zella seemed like she was getting worse, she was puking, spitting, and projectile vomiting with barely anything in her, she was not eating and every time a milk product got close to her mouth something would come out. That started the pumping routine for me, flashbacks to when Mayla was born and every mommy urge in you just shut down and shattered. We were instructed to keep her skin to skin which was wonderful, expect hard on me when all the people flooded the hospital to have their turn loving on her and I felt like I couldn't share the way I had dreamed and hoped. Sleeping came in minutes and I felt like I was unraveling fast. Zella was poked every 2-3 hours and as we awaited the number reading I would cry out to God..we sang praises each time the number came back in the 'healthy' range. The longer she went without eating, the more stuff that came up the more worried I became....I was trying hard to cling to the one who could heal and in the quiet and visitor free hours I would just sob to my husband...."GODS GOT THIS" was all he kept saying to me! That was all I needed to hear. Will was being the strong tower I needed and pointing me to the ROCK!

It seemed like the more Zella got out of her the better she was feeling and SLOWLY she started to show an interest in eating. I was reminded of all the junk that flows through us, the sinfulness, the selfishness, the lying and hiding we do, and how GOOD it feels when I GET that out through confession and prayer. Both different kinds of junk, but both have the same result afterwards, a renewed body that has room for good! God designed us to be free of the junk, this world tries to shove it in our face in many different forms and we aren't intended to live under that stress and bondage. The bible tells us in 1 John 1:9, "that if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." He wants our whole hearts pure, he cares about us SO much that no questions are asked,  just PURE FORGIVENESS granted! THANK YOU JESUS that you love us so much you allow us the freedom to live apart from bondage.

Zella was cleansing all right, and her cleansing was helping my nurses reach their fit bit goal of steps for the day as I continuously pushed that nurse call button. Will and I kept laughing, it's our third time being parents but first time we have done any of this! Grace was given all the way around!

Zella started eating, her numbers continued to skyrocket and on Thanksgiving they were telling us that we could take her home. Mayla's prayer for the last 2 years was finally being answered and she wasn't afraid to tell anyone and everyone about it. She uttered to one of our nurses one day, 'we get to take this one home!'

Some of my favorite lines Mayla uttered while at the hospital, "Look, a family of four....", talking about ourselves. "We can bring her home, and be all four of us". And I'm never going to leave your side, ok Zella? I'm your big sister and I will always be here"! I have never seen her smile so freely for a photo before or look so happy. We praise God for the journey and the storm and the lessons and the GRACE and LOVE that has been needed to come out on the other side!

For this child we have prayed, and the Lord has granted us the desires of our heart" 1 Samuel 1:27.

God gives us Rainbows to remind us of HOPE! My prayer for you is that daily may you put your complete faith in HIM for He is the God of the impossible. Thank you for your prayers, your support, your encouragement, your emails and your continued love throughout our journey! You will never know how thankful we are for you!