Baby Nani journey

The four days that have passed since we last wrote have seemed like weeks in our eyes. At times we are still in disbelief, other times we are worn thin and unable to even comprehend what’s happening.

Friday after our appointment we were scheduled to watch my sisters kids while she went out of town, we smile at God’s timing! Being with them gave Mayla playmates, allowing me to take in every text, every facebook message, every call, and every email and really feel the love and support around us. I was blown away by how fast people reached out, lifted us, spread the word to other prayer warriors they knew, and put us on church prayer lists. As I proceeded to read message after message, tears continued to flow down my cheeks, onto the laptop, and onto the counter. This story was becoming far more than Will, myself and baby Nani, it was starting to be about all you as well and about another little baby that came to this earth so many years ago.

Saturday we decided to try and make the day fun for the kids (and for us) and headed to the Detroit boat show, yes in that crazy snow storm. I was so torn on going, part of me wanted to stay in my baggy sweat pants, baggy sweat shirt, and just sit and sleep the day away, being responsible for no one or no thing. Another part of me wanted a distraction, to keep my mind busy on other things, and of course I knew my hubby would love it, along with Mayla who said, “yesch’ enthusiastically to seeing boats, we couldn’t deny that! We got in the car, prayed for our trip and explained to our little firecracker Mayla we would be in the car for a LONG LONG time (I had a rather big fear of this as she normally can’t even handle a 10 minute ride across town).

Mayla was an absolute rock star, a complete gift from God, and of course our niece and nephew were stellar too. Seeing boats, smelling boats, touching boats, watching a wakeboard show, and hearing the laughter and lightheartedness that took place inside that building was exactly what the doctor ordered. I felt exhausted, but carried in the palm of God’s hand, and knew we were right where God wanted us in that moment!

Summer time in the back seat, all smiles after the boat show

By Sunday night Will and I hadn’t uttered too many words to each other about what had taken place, and you could tell we were both in need of connecting and being raw with one another, so we called in my mom to help out with the munchkin while we went for some therapeutic donuts and steamy hot chocolate!   It was so refreshing to hear his thoughts and be real with the one who stays by my side in everything. We shed tears together, held each other, laughed together and prayed together. We had so many beautiful moments in those couple of hours, I really wish we could have recorded it and added it to our files to reflect back upon.

We sat, both of us somber, the distractions had slowed down and reality was hitting us, and we opened up.
We were in a state of mourning, as if we had been told we already lost our baby, but yet that was not the case. We were trying to figure out how to feel, what to feel and what this road would look like.

Monday morning I had to call the doctors office to inform them of our decision and get my appointment with the doctor moved up. I surprised myself when I completely held it together with the nurse as I uttered the words out loud, “our baby has anencephaly, we will continue to carry our baby for as long as God chooses’. The words flowed from my mouth as if I had been saying it for years, the peace was surprising, almost as if it wasn’t me but someone else talking! I had a few questions for the doctor, so the nurse said they would get back to me after they talked with her. Ten minutes later my phone rang and to my surprise it was my doctor herself calling to apologize and see how I was doing. Normally this alone would open up the tear ducts, but that same peace flooded over me again. The Doctor asked once again, ‘are you really sure you want to continue on with this pregnancy?’ I didn’t hesitate and replied, ‘my husband and I recognize this baby as a real life from God and will continue on as long as He chooses!’ She paused for what seemed like awhile and then said, ‘ok’.  My one big question to her was what would a miscarriage look like at this time and second question, would I be able to pack my bags and continue on the planned Phoenix trip we had scheduled for the next day! She gave me the green light and it was then I wanted to cry and jump up and down at the same time! We scheduled an appointment for three days after I arrive back. We will be doing the blood genetic testing via me at that time and discussing the pregnancy overall.

Monday night we were just putting Mayla to bed when we heard an unusual beeping in the house somewhere. Will ran through the upstairs not finding anything and then it hit us, DOWNSTAIRS! For Christmas, as a random stocking stuffer, I had purchased a water leak alarm for our basement…that thing WORKS (can be purchased at Ace Hardware, highly recommend it, in no way am I affiliated with them). It was like a dam had opened up in our hot water heater and water was pooling fast in the basement! Mayla was thrown in bed (literally) and we went to work at 8pm at night; just what our weary, worn out, exhausted, not-packed bodies felt like doing! We left home yesterday and headed for Chicago for the night and boy was our basement spotless...My grandma would be proud!

Staying in Chicago for the night before our flight left today was the right idea. We only traveled in part of a snow storm and got to spend an amazing almost 3 hours with friends we have not seen since we left Switzerland two years ago.  Thankful for that time we had with them is an understatement, once again healing and refreshing and a gift from God!

Warmth and Sunshine here we come.

Right now I’m sitting on a plane next to the love of my life heading to Phoenix, Arizona. Will has a work thing for 2.5 days and I will be in the company of some extremely close friends, more like family! The thought of that coupled with the sunshine and warmth puts a smile on my face! We will return Monday night back to the tundra. This trip couldn’t have been timed better, and once again we smile at God and say thank you!

A lot of you have been sending messages not really knowing what to say, that’s ok, we don’t know what to say either, but we love the messages and knowing you are praying and thinking of us means the world to us. At times I feel like it’s not my energy that’s keeping me going, but all of your energy and prayers for me that keep me lifted up and able to continue on! Mayla is a good distraction for me too, and I feel like this has left me wanting to be a better parent to her, she’s a gift and one I feel some times I take for granted, I’m working on that and my prayer is that no matter what happens with baby Nani, I continue striving to be the best for Mayla. She already has a unique bond with this baby and once again in the middle of dinner Monday night, unsolicited by anything we said, Mayla decided Baby Nani needed some prayers! And so we put down our forks and prayed!

Since the first time Mayla called baby Nani by name, I had been meaning to look up the origin of that name, and in the times I thought about doing it, the timing was never right. Praising God for a friend who felt led to look it up for us and message us the meaning. Depending on the origin it either means Grace or Beauty. We were blown away when I read those words and speechless! We couldn’t have come up with better names ourselves for the life growing inside! God’s grace is abundant, and undeserved…His grace is new every morning!! No matter the path God takes our family on, life is beautiful and it’s a gift. Many times I wrestle with the idea of going through a whole 9 months of pregnancy carrying a baby we have heard is not compatible with life, and possibly losing it when it’s minutes old and those thoughts hurt, or losing it just days away from 9 months. Other times I’m thankful for each day I get this gift of life growing inside me and I’m thankful God chose Will and I to be parents of this little one, no matter what that looks like! So far I’ve been told this pregnancy is different than majority of every other females, and for days I believed that and was burned by it..but really is it? Did any female out there really know what the outcome of her pregnancy was going to be? No. So despite knowing some things about the pregnancy, it’s the same, I act the same, I eat the same, I treat my body the same, and I love the same, like it’s the last day!