Keri's tummy is growing.....

The timing seemed perfect, we were as mentally ready to proceed forward as we could be, and we were excited when we got confirmation from God that it was time to ‘work’ on expanding our family! We eagerly stopped the pill and in what seemed like the blink of an eye the pregnancy test had two lines, confirming what I had been feeling for weeks! The excitement overcame us as we praised God and instantly dedicated the new life over to God,  and started preparing for what this journey would look like. We started moving the baby changing station, emptying the ‘new babies closet, getting Mayla’s room more ‘big girl’ ready and embracing the new life inside me! We shared the news with Mayla who came up with the womb name:‘baby Nani’ a name that stuck and a name we heard uttered from Mayla’s lips on multiple occasions throughout each day!

Baby Nani was the only person Mayla ever wanted to us to pray for, leading us to believe she already was developing a sister bond with her new sibling and knew something we didn’t! Days and weeks went by with the common pregnancy nausea and extreme fatigue, all signs I welcomed as I knew these meant good things for the first trimester. Yesterday was our scheduled heart beat appointment and I walked in nervous, but excited to have some confirmation. The heart beat was tricky to find, but then the wonderful beautiful sound appeared and it was strong and perfect! I let out a big sigh, smiled a big smile of congrats as I looked at the new Papi and fell more in love!

Today we had another appointment with maternal fetal medicine. Mayla's heart condition has raised the risk for it happening again, so they want to keep a better eye on it and more frequently and in Switzerland I was on daily blood thinning shots during Mayla's whole pregnancy for a blood disorder I have and we needed to discuss doing that with this pregnancy as well as there seems to be some differences the way things are done. The appointment in my opinion was going wonderfully, and when we saw our little one kicking and moving and nothing ‘funny’ looking like our first pregnancy ultrasound, yes Mayla was our second, we were relieved, light hearted and in a celebratory mood! The ultrasound tech told us the baby was measuring perfectly for 12 weeks, heart beat was 155 beats per minute, and the heart looked as good as it could look at 12 weeks. After taking multiple photos she said she needed to go talk to the doctor to see if the doctor wanted to have any more photos…..out she went and there we sat laughing, smiling, dreaming. The Doctor walked in with a resident doctor, followed by the nurse. She started asking me questions about Mayla and how she was doing as she grabbed the wand and began ‘looking’ around. She was focused in on one part of the baby and one part only. I knew it wasn’t the heart and started wondering what was going on. She put everything back, leaned in closer to us and we will NEVER forget the words she said, ‘your baby has a serious problem. It has a fatal condition called anencephaly’. My mind went blank, my body froze and whatever that word meant, I knew I hated it. I began blocking her out, thinking it was a bad dream, I just saw our baby kicking and squirming and knew she had to be wrong. I wanted to pack up my bag, make a new appointment and leave the building, but all of a sudden I felt locked in and kept hearing her talk about our baby and what options were before us! And out of A, B, C, and D we wanted an E option..NONE OF THE ABOVE!!!! I started shaking and sobbing, and told myself this was real, and based on how hard Will was crying next to me, I knew he understood too and it wasn’t a bad dream that was going to end any time soon! Our babies skull has not formed when it’s something that normally happens within the first month, meaning the brain is fully exposed. Apart from that, the baby is perfect. The doctors presented us with an ‘option’ to terminate or continue the pregnancy, to do genetic testing through the womb at different weeks throughout the pregnancy or genetic testing after the baby was still born or died, or through my blood now. There is NO question for Will and I about terminating the pregnancy, God gave us this child, there is a full healthy heart beat, two legs, two arms, two hands and two feet, we saw them all fluttering about, this is a God given life and a gift to us already that we will choose to keep for as long as God allows us to keep! This could be another day, 4 more months, a day or two after we deliver or a month. We have hope, and we believe in miracles and know we serve a God bigger than we can imagine. We also have crushed dreams, broken hearts, and many questions that may not be answered till our time on earth comes to a close. Will and I held each other in that room, cried, balled, prayed and held each other some more as we continued to whisper over and over through the sobs, ‘I’m sorry, I love you, I’m so sorry, I love you!’

We mustered enough energy to put on our coats, head out to the elevator and down to the parking garage. The way I was leaving the building was NOT what I had envisioned when I first walked in, and I hated it! I turned the corner from the elevator to head to my car and the cold bitter wind blew through the parking garage straight through my body and I sobbed, I shook, and I cried out loud to God. I got in the car and saw baby items I had received from my sister and wanted to scream; baby items our child would not be able to use.

Now begins the waiting, when will it happen, how big will our baby get, will he/she make it through the whole pregnancy and get to meet the world, what will delivery look like, the questions continue to flood our minds. And of course the guilt Satan wants me to feel. Trying to get me to believe this was because of something I did or didn’t do. My mind has been put through the ringer today as I continue to do battle that this was nothing I am responsible for.

We have been pregnant three times, and all three pregnancies had complications. What we have learned from this while holding Mayla today is that she is a bigger miracle than what we have ever thought before! 

This song came on the radio yesterday while I was driving, and Mayla for the first time tried to sing along to a song, and of course one of my favorites.

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

God is with us during all times, but even in times of hardships, when the waters rise around us, He will be with us. I will rest in His embrace and when fear surrounds me, which it WILL do, I will remember he has never failed me nor forsaken me and he won’t start now! I will trust and I will embrace!!!