The life of our precious little Miracle Part 2

The rest of the story.......

And these words will fail in doing this story any justice.

I got the go ahead to push. I was struggling as I knew I needed to push hard to get her out, but all I could think about was the more I pushed, the more her head would hit again and again up against the walls of the birth canal; and that thought made me NOT want to push. Once I started though, I knew I had NO choice and I told myself, 'Push Keri, and PUSH hard, you have GOT to get her out of the birth canal and you have GOT to do it NOW'! The visions of her unprotected skull motivated me to do one of the most challenging things in life. I had to fight for her! I could feel what was taking place and when I felt her come out, I heard nothing. I'm pretty sure in that split second my heart stopped as I felt the motion in the room come to a halt as well. And the words that no parent should ever have to ask hesitantly rolled off my tongue, 'is she alive'? "SHE IS", exclaimed my doctor, and there laying so perfectly on my chest was Arabella Nani Ellis, breathing SO loudly there was no question of her status! She was my daughter, perfection, and full of love. She fit perfectly on my chest. Wonderfully made. Arabella came out with the fluid filled sac still protecting her head, miracle after miracle we witnessed with our 'incompatible' life little girl. https://youtu.be/LsSJIfL64Kw

We held her and cried, and praised God. She was beautiful. Almost our whole family was there waiting in another room (THANK YOU ALL), and the looks on their faces were priceless when they laid their eyes on our little breathing miracle. They too, Aunts, Uncles, cousins, grandmas and grandpas would have to tredge the same road we were on, how long until we had to say goodbye, we knew it would be soon, selfishly I didn't want it to come.

Arabella was breathing on her own, had amazing color and looked like she was interested in staying around for a bit.  So we decided to give her a little oxygen to help. We had it set to the lowest setting. I tried breastfeeding her relatively soon after she was born, and the bond was amazing, once again it was nothing I had anticipated but was joyfully celebrating that miracle. Arabella was proudly passed around from one person to another. Each person who held her was as captivated by her as was I. She accepted love and she freely gave it. EVERY LIFE MATTERS!!!!

A couple hours after she was born though we prepared to say goodbye, we gathered around, prayed, cried, and held each other as we celebrated what we were given. Arabella's color was leaving her and we thought she was on her way to heaven..............minutes later though she showed her strength as color returned. She was back and ready to go. As the clock ticked
from 2:22pm to 3:22pm to 4:22pm the word celebrate everything took on a whole new meaning. Arabella was getting extra credit. The gift of life team was all set up in another room (everything is very time sensitive with a donation), but as the hours went by, it was obvious that God had different plans for that day. They visited with us, gave us gifts and supported us along side the hospital staff, family and friends. It was one of the most joy-filled, heartfelt, upbeat, wonderful moments of my life! We were a family of four!

Our afternoon was spent passing her around, laughing, wondering, standing in awe of God's work and of course, lollipop sharing............

 Arabella began rooting about 4 hours after she was born, rooting, the one who they said we shouldn't feed, the one whom the world told me I should abort, the one who was marked incompatible with life. God is still in the miracle business, and we witnessed it! We decided a gavage tube would be the best way to get the milk directly into her stomach, what was amazing that this picture does not show was that she was sucking as she was getting the milk, lips moving, tongue thrusting,  she was working for it. She kept working and we kept feeding, we realized afterwards that it was probably a bit too much, but she handled it like a champ. We were all walking in uncharted territory. This was completely new for us, the nursing staff and the hospital. Everyone was patient, everyone was flexible and everyone was in awe as much as we were!

She was so content after she ate, so at peace and so perfect!

We tried on hat after hat after hat for this sweet girl. NOTHING worked. My amazing friend Kristen even spent hours upon hours buying every single toy baby in the store who had a hat on and went to every store in grand rapids that sold premie stuff looking for a hat to fit. Her efforts were amazing but no luck! 

Arabella had a sponge 'bath', and of course some 'extra' mommy touches. Not knowing how much time we had, we tried to do it all.

By the time evening rolled around, I had been awake for over 41 straight hours and was in need of a serious 'nap'. We wanted eyes on Arabella all night though, so set up shifts to cover. We had wonderful volunteers who proudly did their job and I was able to get a horribly great 3 hours of sleep. In between the minutes my eyes were shut,  I would roll over, open my eyes just enough to see whoever it was that was holding her and my heart would melt at the moments they were having together. Each time, without fail, their eyes would be glued to her. Talk about peace.

In the morning she was still with us, and still around the 100% mark for oxygen. Throughout the night and morning she had gone from syringe feeding, to bottle feeding, as well as getting what I had been pumping. Every new nurse that came on duty was so eager to help, was in awe of our fighter and did an amazing job loving on all of us!

Late in the morning on the 20th, Arabella had been very irritated, we couldn't figure out why. She seemed in pain and after trying a few different things, we realized it was from the way her hat was rubbing on her brain, our hearts broke when we discovered that and at that moment we were DONE with the hats, she completely relaxed once we took them off. We had decided that this was our daughter, there was nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. She was fearfully and wonderfully made! Early afternoon on the 20th, we did a room switch up to another floor that in our mind was a downgrade as we lost our HUGE room, didn't they see we needed a suite for all the people? There was also talk of us possibly going home, but that was an idea that Will and I could NOT wrap our minds around, so we brushed it off. Because of the room switch we were once again introduced to an incredible nurse who took amazing care of us. When we got to our new room Arabella's pediatrician came to visit.. WHAT she was assigned a pediatrician? NEVER did we imagine that! We asked any and every question we could think of, thankfully we had help from family as i'm not sure my brain was fully grasping all that was happening. The was foreign territory for them at Devos Children's hospital, but he was willing to do what we could together to walk this road. 

My wonderful sissy was prepared and brought in birthday cupcakes. We celebrated her one day birthday and sang happy birthday to her. It was filled with SO many smiles. 

Later in the afternoon while her cousin Molly was holding her, Arabella received her first shot, we opted to only do one, a vitamin one. Once again, this was an event that I did NOT think we would ever need to discuss, let alone perform. Arabella continued to go from arm to arm and continued to feed from a bottle every 3-4 hours while I pumped. Her early evening feed she seemed off, and I thought it was odd. My heart knew but my mind wanted to ignore. I kept telling myself it was because she was still full from earlier, she had been rockin' it. I didn't want to allow my heart the ache that I knew was ahead. Her oxygen started to dip and even with turning up the level, it was not

helping so we decided to take it off. We had agreed on a level and we weren't going to go past it. We had peace. We called gift of life to give them a heads up. We then sat and watched and waited and the most beautiful thing happened, we witnessed Arabella seeing glimpses of heaven. Her eyes would open wide, since she was born her right eye would not open, but when she was about to meet Jesus, she opened it. Her left eye would not move, but when she was seeing heaven, her eyes moved from side to side. At just over a day old, she smiled. The light that beamed from her eyes was breath-taking, captivating, astounding and one of the most remarkable things I have EVER seen in my life. We witnessed an out of body experience on our little Arabella. We sang to her, we prayed together and over and over we told her her work on earth was done, it was ok for her to let go. The color was fading from her as we said over and over, we love you, we love you, we love you and we will see you  in Heaven. One by one the family members flooded the room, tears, hugs and smiles. After over three hours, our tears turned into laughs as we were all astounded she was still holding on. And then again, her color slowly returned and her oxygen was between 90 and 100% unassisted by any machines! A reason that is past our understanding, Arabella stayed with us, and around midnight on the 20th, our families, nurse and pastor left as emotionally drained as ever! They sprinted up there to say their goodbyes, but instead left thinking, 'maybe see in you in the morning sweet girl'.

About two hours later, while Will and I were alone with Arabella, thinking about going to sleep, she started to pass away again, her beautiful pink color had turned into a blue pale color and she started to have seizures. We held her, prayed and prayed some more, we felt so weak and longed to have the girl with us that we saw slipping away. She was
special in so many ways, but every time we started to lose her, we were reminded, she isn't ours to begin with. God made her, he created her, she is on loan to us and we were grateful for the time we had with her! We laid with her, holding each other and holding her, once again letting her know it was okay to leave us. We said goodbye over and over, smelled her, kissed her and cried on her......and then it happened again, color restored and oxygen levels back up. She wanted to stay with us for the night. So Will and I did what we said we would never do as parents, we all slept together in bed! :) It was beautiful, it was peaceful. I didn't know if she would be alive when I woke up, but I knew I had an unexplainable peace.

PURE PERFECTION and Sweetness! Still going strong!

We slept for about 2.5 hours together, and early in the morning hours, what woke me up was her rooting, she was hungry. So without hesitation I breastfed her, I was amazed by her. Miracle after miracle. Remember they wanted me to abort her? "There is no foot too small that it can not leave an imprint on this world." 

Shortly after we woke up, hospice was in talking to us about going home. We had a car seat on its way to the hospital and we were starting to sign papers. We were freaked out, but the thought of dreaming of what it will be like with her at home was an incredible feeling, once again a road we did NOT anticipate going down, celebrate everything! Arabella taught us so much! Nothing is in our control!!! However, as papers were being processed, we were once again losing her. 

On August 21st, 11:22 am, after spending an amazing 45 hours together, Arabella Nani Ellis finally gave up her fight and as she raised her arms into heaven, she took her last breath. She went straight from our arms to Jesus' arms, he picked her up, and she was healed. 

This story is part of God's story, and even though I don't get it, I see purpose because I know Jesus Christ and he is hope! Arabella has forever changed the landscape of my heart, it's better! Thank you all for journeying with us. Grief is not a phase, it's a life time. We have welcomed you all into this with us because it's not only about us. We appreciate you more than you will ever know! The support has kept us going some days when we don't feel like going. We are filled with Joy, Hope and Wonder for what God has in store for the future, and with grateful hearts we remind you to CELEBRATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The life of our precious little Miracle, Part 1

August 18th, 2015, 7:52pm at night. I sent a text message to my sisters and mom: "Be on red alert tonight. My stomach has been a ROCK allll day today, and i'm having lots of spotting and being super no patience mom. I'm begging God she doesn't come tonight, but things are pointing towards her wanting to."

8:01pm I was confined to the couch and 'trying' to make the signs of labor go away. HA!

Aug 18th, 10:51pm My sister Kelli came to get Mayla and I was in bed with Lavender oil smeared ALL over my abdomen, and diffusing above my face to try and slow the train down, (clearly a lesson on 'controlling' would have been helpful within that moment when my brain seemed to stop working). Thirty minutes later, I was up realizing that with contractions coming 6-10 minutes apart there was NO sleep that was going to be happening for me.

August 18th, 11:51pm text message to my sissys and mom: "Will most likely be going to the hospital in a bit (letting Will get some sleep while I gain some serious encouragement, motivation and support from FB which has blown up and people's support is a gift to me right now, I seriously feel like a giant on top of a mountain right now, full of peace and abounding in strength). Contractions are 6-10 minutes apart but not painful at all. Hospital already knows i'm coming in. I don't want to be turned away like I was with Mayla, so i'm just chillin'. Love you all. Get some sleep, someone will have to be in good form:)"

August 19th, 12:28am, "On our way".

Aug 19th, 1:07am text message: "Dilated to almost 4cms. Staying. Decided against pitocin for now to see how she progresses on her own. Contractions are starting to feel like contractions. Heart beat is strong. Big praise right now!!!! Pray for peace as this was not OUR plan!!!! We didn't even bring our bags In cuz we didn't think we would be staying."

August 19th, Middle of the morning, admitted into the room, the room we visited, the room we dreaded, the room we had anticipated saying hello and goodbye to our daugher in. The room brought comfort, excitement and pain in the same breathe. I remember laying in that hospital bed, trying to rest and relax and MAD at God; "Remember God WE had a PERFECT plan in place?"..... I was scheduled to be induced on a Thursday, one week before her original due date. We had a team that was going to be there from Gift of life, we wanted to donate any part of her that would qualify to help other babies have a chance at life, we needed to make arrangements for Mayla and a photographer, and of course to help family members have a plan too and have a chance at my doctor being able to deliver her. It was a perfect plan in MY mind. WHY GOD? WHY GOD? WHY GOD? I screamed out, wondering if he had forgotten me, did my voice not matter to him any more? Had I asked for too much? God where are you now? I need you!!!!!!! Then I heard God say, "Seriously my dear child, you are going to complain about 'YOUR plan' not working out? What about surrendering, what about submitting, what about trusting in me above all else? "You are so right God," I said, "please forgive me.'"My favorite bible verse says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." I was doing a horrible job of living that out and in that moment, I celebrated being there and surrendered every detail to Him, Jesus YOU are my all in all! Shortly after that a lady nurse walked in who was from the Anesthesia team. She heard of our situation and came to pray with us. God cared, and God was showing up in different ways to let me know that he in fact did NOT forget about me. I needed others praying for me and with me, and God knew that! God placed us at the hospital on the perfect day and at the perfect time, and I was beginning to see that.

sissy trying to bring me comfort

Around 7am I was dilated to a 6 and decided it was time for an epidural, I had been awake for over 24 hours and knew I would need all the help possible. Shortly after getting one,  I started to feel extremely sick and my blood pressure was tanking. It was very frustrating and part of my birth story I will never understand. Wasn't what I was about to go through going to be hard enough, let alone this extra pain I had to experience? I was so sick, and so impatient, and once again, begging God to take it away from me. I felt weak. The holy spirit was strong though, and the prayers of so many were felt! My amazing nurse was working like crazy to help me feel any relief, and help me from going crazy. She was simply incredible, and a gift from God! I can't believe I was complaining earlier in the morning about my timing vs. God's timing, he knows what's going on, and he knew EXACTLY who I needed to be my nurses at every stage of the game.

ONE of the many amazing nurses, when she couldn't be found, no one thought to check the room right next store, she was in loving on Mayla. SERVANTS heart! She will never know how much of a gift she was. 

It felt like days, but the extremely sick feeling finally left, and the contractions slowed...take the positive with the negative. During this 'waiting' phase it was brought to my attention that by some crazy 'chance' (ha), I know better, my doctor was scheduled to be at the hospital that morning and was going to swing by and visit with me! Instant tears. How cool is God? I was pumped to see her, it brought me peace and there was even talk that she had a few things to do and might be around for the delivery. I prayed, and thanked God for the hope as I was NOT such a fan of the doctor who was on the floor that day. You know how there are really great people in this world, but yet you just don't click with them? That was me with him...he was super nice, but something just didn't click for me and this was a birth that I wanted as much 'clicking' as possible!

They kept checking me and things were not progressing as well as we all hoped, during one check even they thought Arabella had turned breech. It took every bit of my will, energy, and work of the Holy Spirit to NOT freak out at that moment! Arabella had been head down for months, seriously could it be? What would delivering her this way look like? I had no time to research, and as I laid in bed contemplating how it could have happened, I thought to myself, 'This could be a good thing, if her head doesn't come first, there might be a better chance of her being born alive, I surrender that to

my face when I saw my amazing photographer friend

God and laid patiently waiting for confirmation from the doctor. We didn't have a baby heart monitor on me much, so part of me was smiling when the nurse told me she thought she felt Arabella kick her, and that's why she thought she was breech. I was just pumped to know she was still alive! The doctor confirmed Arabella was not breech and I was actually elated! God's got this! During this time another amazing thing happened, my amazing photographer friend was able to show up! I felt like God was holding me tight and hanging out in the room with us!

We needed to break my water so that things would start moving, however I had heard it's better with an Anencephalic baby to prick the sac instead so that it doesn't rupture, but just 'leaks'! So after searching high and low, they found the appropriate needle and pricked! And who do you think performed this, MY DOCTOR! GOD was showing up ALLLL over the place...remember how bummed I was about 'MY plan' not working out! HA....His plans are so much better! Within a short time the leak was proving to be successful and Arabella was cruising down the birth canal! I was overjoyed at the thought of meeting her, seeing her, holding her and kissing her! We just kept praying! For months we had been pleading with God that she would take ONE breath so that she would qualify for donating, this prayer remained the same hours and minutes before she was born. I had peace, Gods will be done!

By the time I was dilated and ready to go, rumor had it my doctor was STILL in the building. I was smiling so big inside, God was making it happen! However, when I was MORE than ready to start pushing, she was nowhere to be found and not walking through the doors like I had hoped!  It felt like the longest minutes of my life! When she finally walked in I wanted to scream out in jubilation. Nine months of waiting, 189 days since we found out about her condition, 4,536 hours of celebrating her and figuring out at the same time, how we would say goodbye; and the moment was now here! Nothing, no thought, no words, no song could ever have prepared me for that moment!

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!

Not a lot of words are needed...

...because these pictures will do enough telling of their own. Arabella's physical body may no longer be with us, but she is beyond near and dear to every part of us, especially Mayla. She has an amazing love for her sister like I have NEVER seen before! Some of you may recall the little pink Arabella bear that we gave Mayla early on in my pregnancy to help explain Arabella's diagnosis; well what's interesting is that during the pregnancy she could have cared less about that bear. That's not the case any more. She treats this bear like she really is a person. Mayla may only be three, but she absorbs it, she gets it and I feel like she has an amazing grasp on how this whole 'life' thing works. I was talking to a lady tonight telling her one of the amazing things that has come from Arabella's passing are the conversations I have with my three year old. I want to record them, so on those tough days I can just play them back. They are beautiful, they are peaceful, they are healing!!! A few images of how we roll with Arabella. PS, it takes as long as it would with a 'real' baby to get anywhere, so this is good practice for me trying to get out the door with 'two' for the future. Especially when Arabella JUST so happens to have a poopy diaper JUST as we are walking out the door...it's happened....more than once!

Mayla knows ALL about safety, we never even told her that she should be buckled in. 

(this Arabella bear was given to her at the hospital and is called 'Big Arabella'. She now is the most real one though as she has a real Arabella heart beat inside her. The first night we gave this bear to Mayla after it had 'heart surgery' to put in the recording, I thought Mayla was going to wear it out she pushed it so many times). Mayla showing her pictures of the day she was born! 

Araella even rides the horse with Mayla at the local grocery store.

They were reading a book together!

Arabella traveling with us, right where Mayla likes her, IN her arms!

There are more pictures than these, Arabella is Mayla's BFF, it's adorable!

We love that she's a part of Family photos!

And of course she had to come on the christmas tree hunt with us. 

And Mayla wanted to show her the train (Notice Big Arabella in the background). We are so thankful for these amazing gifts/treasures that are apart of our family now! Arabella lives in our hearts and in a weird sort of way, still very present in our everyday lives! Pure Love, Pure Joy #celebrateeverything

Tonight was a very special night, not just for me, but for many around the world. Like a lot of things, it's nothing I ever heard of before, nor knew anything about, until we lost Arabella. December 13th, 2015 candle lightening services across the globe at 7pm for those to remember the little loved ones that were taken too soon! It was a beautiful celebration that had a wide range of emotions connected to it. I sat next to two of my best friends (Will had to be out of town for work) and I wept for joy, knowing that the two women next to me, knew my daughter. They held her, watched her (babysat her for a couple hours even so Will and I could sleep, ha), helped feed her, cried over her with me, prayed over her, smiled over her and experienced her! They loved her and Arabella loved them. Rows in front of me and rows behind me I was with other Mommies and Daddies who grieved, who I shared a connection with. All of us having had to lay our little ones to rest, the lost dreams, hopes and desires all resting together in the grave! In that Auditorium though, through the tears, the flickering fake candle lights, and the awkwardness, there was an inexplainable peace. A peace that flooded over me as I whispered, 'It is well, with my soul thank you Jesus'! My dear friends from near and far, this peace, is the Peace of Christ! It is real, and I experienced it tonight as I sat in a room with people who have hurt, who do hurt, who have experienced so much pain, yet can smile! Some times it's unexplainable, incomprehensible,  but if you sit still long enough, and have an open heart to his movement, you can feel it! God cares, God loves, God desires to know you and he's the only reason I could stand there and smile! He is GOOD! Pure Joy, Pure Love #celebrateeverything.                                              

They had fun decorating their glass candle jars. Love these special ladies.

Baby Nani how we love you Sweet heaven Baby

 Never Forgotten, Always loved!

Forever special sisters of mine! Thank you for being there for me. Arabella (and Mayla) are blessed to have Aunts like you!

A scary place to be....

One week ago, God placed me in an extremely scary place, up on a stage with a microphone! Not any stage, one that I had not been on since Arabella's heaven Party. 

When our journey started, I told God to use me in ANY way, no matter what that meant, even if it meant public speaking (EEEEEEK). This talk was given in front of 140 ladies at an event called crossings cafe at our Church, Ada Bible. The video stopped recording in two places, so sorry for the quick "blurb" you will notice. (Direct you tube link) https://youtu.be/KUzmmlIW03g

I wonder what Arabella is doing in Heaven, I wonder what it would look like if she was here today; I have no regrets, I have longings, but I have peace! And I love our families story! "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus!" 1 Thes 5:16-18

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! We are thankful for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

3 months in Heaven, I'm jealous.....

It's a day I can't stop thinking about her. It's a day I want to crawl up and surround myself with every single thing that touched her, was her, reminds me of her. It's a day I need her, and long deeply to be close to her. It's a day I want to spend walking around with my bible open, letting the pages flood into the deep wounds that feel like they are wide open today! It's a day I feel like jumping up and down celebrating, celebrating what was given to me and celebrating how blessed I am! It's a day called grief.

Swiss Hot chocolate goes with ALL types of grief, especially when it's snowing out

My morning was a gift from God. A special mama friend brought me starbucks and drove with me to visit Arabella. This mama friend gets it, as we share a piece of heaven together as our daughters sit on Jesus' lap side by side! I have been dreading the first snow fall. It's the mommy in me. I don't want the ground above her to be snow covered, I don't want the ground around her to freeze. To think of her sweet little body laying in the cold beneath is hard for me, and harder as the snow falls and a white blanket is laid on top. I keep thinking of her wrapped in the pure white soft blanket and how bad I want her in my arms. Today is grief, today is raw!

My sweet friend Brittany and I let the snow fall around us as we laughed, talked, shared, prayed, and cried together. It was an amazing moment, part of my new norm having a hang time with another mommy and my daughter by her grave! We weren't alone there either, God was with us! Both of us having the unnatural, unwanted, and unreal event of having to say goodbye to a little girl that we didn't get to spend near enough time with, standing side by side praising God for his faithfulness! He was in that moment, as he has been in so many!!!!! God is in EVERY detail. He KNEW the first snowfall would be hard on me, and what did he do, orchestrated it so that I could be there with her. She was Jesus with Sorel boots on for me, Jesus in living color. GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS HOPE!!!


Three months ago we lost her. The change of seasons is hard. Grief is hard.

The snow is beautiful and Mayla is a reminder to me that God is love! Being the first snow fall today, she didn't allow me to sit and wallow for long. She is a good distraction.....most of the time!

A sweet sweet friend had the remaining fabric from Arabella's pants and hat knit into a blanket. I want to carry this with me on my shoulder or in my arms wherever I go. It's the same fabric she has touching her body....it's all made from the same thread, this sweet friend will never know how special this gift is to me! I feel like it's the invisible string attaching me to Arabella. I found myself loading the dishes into the dishwasher today with it strewn over my shoulder, it comforted me!

Job 1:21 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; May the name of the Lord be praised!" I will rise up and Praise his Name for he is GREAT and worthy of praise. Yes he has taken my daughter with him to Heaven, but he is the same God today, as he was before he took her as he will be tomorrow! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS HOPE!

New Chapters unfolding....

(warning, Posted without re-reading, editing or going back over, it's raw and real).
Some days turning the page is easy, some days it's crippling. I've heard many times grif is like a rollercoaster ride. When talking with a counselor (just over the phone for a few minutes the other day), was one of the first times in my whole life I actually paused in my thoughts and visualized me being the rollercoaster on the track. And it hit me, I felt it more, I sensed it more, I knew deep down what that saying was all about. Some times I feel as if our rollercoaster is weighted with coal while being stuck at the bottom...just one crank at a time, in slow motion moving forward. Other times it feels as if our rollercoaster is filled with wind, and it's flying about, even stuck at the top as it's not weighted enough to make the descent back down into the valley. Those valley moments are tough, but i'm not alone, even though it's felt like it on more than one occasion. The bible says "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Through Arabella's journey, i'm realizing more and more how important it is to have these truths ingrained in our hearts and minds. I've failed at remembering them, i've failed at recalling them and have been a victim of believing Satan's lies and have had to ask for forgiveness many times, even many times on the same day. I too am a sinner saved by grace. God's grace that I need in my life on a daily basis, without Him I am NOTHING!

Today Mayla had a preschool field trip, social gatherings seem to nerve me up, and make me a bit anxious, part of my new norm' that i'm not really enjoying so much to be honest. I figured this would be ok as it's all outside, not invasive, and I probably wouldn't have to talk to too many of the mommies or daddies. Well I found myself at a table with another mommy I didn't know so Introduced myself. After random small chat and without thinking I asked her if she had other children. She mentioned she also had a 2 year old. While I was busy being jealous that about her having two kids, she asked If I had any others. I froze, my heart started pounding out of my chest, my hands got all sweaty and I bluttered back, no and wanted to run. It was the first time since losing Arabella that I have been asked that question and was so shocked at my answer. I couldn't stop thinking about how I answered her, almost as if I was in denial or it all didn't happen. I felt ashamed and hurt and confused at why I wouldn't have said anything. In typical girl fashion, the conversation played over and over and over in my head and ate me up while we walked through the rest of the orchard. All I could think the whole time was how I wanted to make it up, tell her the truth, but how. How do you go back to someone and tell them you answered their question from an hour ago wrong. Well, just so happened God knew I was going to mess things up and when I was leaving she was in her car next to me. I put Mayla in her seat, giving her a chance to leave her parking spot, she didn't. I close the door and her window was being rolled down, I thanked God as I knew fully he was opening up the door for me to say what I needed to say, and this time I wasn't going to mess up. Praise the Lord for this ladies grace as tears streamed down my cheeks and as I told her the truth. Praise the Lord she didn't start rolling up the window on me, or turn her head in awkwardness. Thank you Thank you sweet stranger lady for listening, understanding and not judging. Thank you for being Jesus with shoes on in a moment when I needed it most! Without Him I am NOTHING!

Today was a day I was looking forward to, but also dreading. Today was our 'orientation' to Ele's place. A healing center for grieving Children. The decision to sign up was both tough and easy in the same breathe. Easy as we have seen some drastic changes in Mayla that scream grief. Tough, as it's a program that NO parent ever wants to have to sign their child up for, and here we were. Entering into the parking lot was tough as Mayla told me, 'me not want to go talk to someone'. It was so cute, but painful, she had no idea what this place was even about as I really never informed her. Have I mentioned this grieving road with a toddler is really really tough and really really beautiful at the same time?! We walked in and when she saw toys her perspective about the place changed rather drastically. We were informed more about the program, filled out some paper work and then walked across the street to a church building where the classes will actually meet. At the same time Mayla is in a group, Will and I will be in a parent group as well. Mayla was stoked and excited to sit in little seats and all the talk about crafts and sand tables and playing that she would be doing. We went into the final room where she will spend the most time and after some discussion while sitting on our matts (well Will and I were sitting quietly while Mayla was bouncing about), the lady asked Mayla if she knew what Ele's place was and then described it to her. She asked Mayla if she knew anyone close to her that has died. Mayla responded right away, "Arabella". She then tucked her head into Will's back, started to cry said, 'me want to go home, mommy me want to go home, we almost done mommy? Can we go home?" My heart broke. My eyes watered the ground where I sat and as she was saying those things, the same old question surfaced that's there frequently, 'Are we some how making things worse or making things better? Is this all too much for her?" As a parent you want to protect your child, but yet help them grow into a mature adult who can make smart choices themselves. I knew deep down this was right where we needed to be, but the pain as so real, so deep and so intense in that moment, I wanted to scoop her up and run out. I knew however that would be the easy way out, to run from it instead of face it. Some times protecting the ones we love, or doing things we think that is protecting is really hurting them in the long run and a mental shift needs to happen. A mental shift happened, and I was thankful for that moment. A moment she was doing JUST what we wanted her to do, show emotion and express her feelings. Without Him I am NOTHING!

We drove separate cars to Ele's as Will met us from work, naturally Mayla wanted to ride with Papi in the race car to which I usually completely agree with:) My phone rang as we were almost home and I saw Will's name. I was a little nervous to answer. He informed me that Mayla wanted to go out to eat and didn't want a bath tonight. I informed him that I would agree to the going out to eat (I was TOTALLY drained by now and this sounded like a luxury) however the bath tonight was non-negotiable. We decided on applebee's solely for their dollar something kids meals on Tuesday nights I had just learned about. There are a couple things that are SOOOOOO God about this story I JUST HAVE TO SHARE! One is almost a month ago when I found out about tuesday nights being kids nights, I put tonight on the calendar as 'Applebee's night' so I wouldn't forget, there was NO reason I picked tonight. Well the reminder came and went throughout the day and I never even thought twice about it, only glanced at it, and deleted it. To go to Applebees and just have a relaxing meal with my family was in and of itself a huge gift. We talked about the appointment, we colored with Mayla, we both just dazed, we laughed, it was enjoyable. And then it happened....towards the end of the meal our server came by and informed us our meal had been payed for, and we were all set. Thank you people walking around Applebee's tonight who showed up as Jesus wearing shoes! Thank you for the smiles, the God moment, and the reminder again that this story is not about us, about Arabella, Anencephaly, but it's about God. You were a reminder to me tonight that once again God is EVERYTHING. Without Him I am NOTHING! God cares, God wants to be our all. When live throws you down, and you don't get your way, WHO CARES, God is all that matters, God will be all that matters and God is all that has mattered. He is my All in All, my comforter. "Find rest O my Soul in God alone." Because without Him, I am NOTHING!!!!

Loving our Special Family time

Mayla got to pick out a beanie baby while at Ele's place and this was her pick.

I LOVED what it says (even though she is not a march baby, still thought it was cool for our perspective moving forward) "It brings determination and self-confidence! That sounds GREAT to have added into our every day!