Joy through the journey

There really are two lines there:) Just noticing its not showing up here.

When a woman sees two lines on a pregnancy test, or a plus sign or a yes or whatever other indicator is used, something happens inside her, and it happens fast! A new part of her heart is opened, a bond is formed, and a string is connected from the mother's heart to the baby.  The morning of  buried daughters 1st birthday I had this experience. I had known for over a week what that test result was going to be, I was sick and it felt good! The second line on the test was just a double confirmation, and the trip to the doctor office to have my pregnancy hormone levels checked was a triple confirmation that once again a miracle had taken place. Tuesday morning, our 3 year old sweet Mayla placed her hand on my belly and said, 'it feels like there is a baby in there.' I was astonished, she had heard NO talk and knew nothing. The joy that ran through my body knowing she was right and knowing I would get to tell her soon that she would be a big sister again was exhilarating. My heart was hopeful. Finding out on Arabella's birthday felt like a massive redemption story. I had hope, telling myself THIS was going to be the baby we get to keep and bring home, and how cool of the timing of it all!!!!! And then, in a blink of an eye, it happened.

I wanted the bleeding to stop, I wanted to ignore it, it had only been a few short months since we saw this scene before and it felt like my heart was being ripped open....again. The strings and bond I had already formed was being snatched from my grip, and there was NOTHING I could do. Once again another projected birthday that would not bring about a birth. Broken-hearted, defeated, drained, confused, and frustrated I cried out to God. "God don't you see our longings, our desires? Don't they line up with yours? You give us the desires of our hearts, right? How can us wanting to grow our family not line up? You tell us to be fruitful and multiply, how doesn't that line up? What more can we learn from the agony, the pain, the hurt and the constant surrendering? What do you want from this? It's SOOOOO hard, and with each passing loss I feel less hopeful, more questions, a bigger sense of hurt and sadness and more grief..." My pain was intense and I didn't hold back....

After I came to terms that nothing I did could save the pregnancy, I dove into scripture. I had a choice, I could run to God and cling to the one who could hold me through it all, or I could run from Him and be utterly alone. As angry as I was with God and confused by Him, I knew enough that I needed him and I didn't go off my emotions but instead went with what I knew to be truth. Will and I shared our real emotions and thoughts together as well, knowing that in our brokenness and honesty is when healing can take place. I found my bible flipping between chapters in the book of Psalm. I was thankful I had underlined things through the years, because I needed all the help I could get. Over and over, sentence after sentence, as tears streamed down my face and I tried to find an answer for something I will never understand, I felt held. "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you." "For you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." God was speaking to me in a mighty way. "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him." And that's exactly what I did. I told him I was exhausted on every level, I was in too deep of waters, and worn out from calling for help. Then I came across this in Psalm 71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." I don't know how many more miscarriages we will have, I don't know how many more children we will lose, I don't know a lot of things and that's ok, but what I do know at the end of the day is God is still God, and I'm still me and he sees a lot more than I will ever see! 

Lately this song has been vibrating off the walls of our house, and the words resonate with me......

One part I really like (well Actually it's ALL good) but when the song says:

"I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am not"

Nothing about this feels good, nothing about this is welcomed, nothing about this is wanted, but I gotta stop with all that and realize God IS GOD! I can't get lost in the self pity, I can't get lost in the details and I have to stay focused. Focused for Will, focused for Mayla, focused for family, focused for friends,  because this life is not about me, but about God and others! 

Lantern two, no take off..

Lantern one, GREAT

On Arabella's birthday, Will and I thought it would be cool to send lanterns up that we had in our possession for almost a year, an amazing gift someone had given us. Each time we went to do them it either rained or was too windy, we celebrated the fact that now we would get to do two. One for Arabella, and one for Baby Foonf (five in german sound)! This was an amazing moment for me and I was elated. We lit them both at about the same time and the first went up with no problems, it was so cool! They were bigger than we thought they would be. The second lantern struggled and actually got a hole in it and caught on fire before a failed takeoff was deemed and was stomped out. I struggled with this at the time, I really struggled with it, I wrestled with the idea that it could be foreshadowing, a sign from God that something was wrong, I tried really hard to fight the fight that was going on inside. I won, but that didn't change the results, the only thing that it changed was the moments I had pregnant were spent enjoyed instead of in panic. 

God and I have had some good talks lately, some good cries and some real tough truth. God's shoulders are huge, he could handle what I was throwing His way, and he can handle what you want to throw His way too, he wants to hear from you. 

We have no answers to why, our pregnancy/baby history up till now is not so great and we don't know what the future holds but love, and patience! What we do know is that we have Mayla. The morning we miscarried she walked out of her bedroom, crawled right up onto my lap and snuggled me. She pulled her face away from my chest and said, 'why are you crying, are you sad?' I replied, Mayla, you are a miracle, and mommy is so thankful that God gave me you. And as each month passes, it's more evident that miracle that you are!" I squeezed her hard as the tears streamed down my cheeks and landed on her oversized night shirt I thought to myself,  "Will there ever be another little miracle inside me that will one day crawl up on my lap and snuggle into me and will she ever get the chance to be the big sister that she so desperately wants to be?"  

Tonight, or this morning I guess now that I see the time, I leave you with this thought. We all have our own junk, trials, hurts and frustrations, through whatever it is, who is depending on you to make the right choice? Maybe a choice to submit? A choice to surrender? A choice to admit? A choice to confess? or whatever is needed so that healing, growth or redemption can take place?! We aren't meant to journey alone and we need God and we need each other, but it takes work. 

The day Jesus Welcomed her home

I was awake in the early morning hours today, during that time I reflected back on exactly one year ago today. Will and I were snuggled up with our warrior girl, enjoying snuggles and an abundance of love, not knowing how much longer she would hold on. By that time we had already said our goodbyes 3 different times, but here we were at 5 am, in the stillness of the morning and she was breathing like a champ on her own. We couldn't believe she made it through the night with us. We continuously fell more and more in love. I couldn't take my eyes off her soft skin, her scrunchy cute toes, her perfectly formed lips and nose, I was captivated by her and wanted to soak up every second knowing time was limited. People started showing up, one after the other, all astonished she made it through the night, as everyone had left her the night before, tears streaming down their cheeks saying their goodbyes. Once again she defeated the odds as I lay there breastfeeding her enjoying the most amazing bond a mother could experience with their child. 

Arabella was trucking along and assigned a pediatrician, he walked in and had perplexity written all over his face. The baby that was not compatible with life was given a pediatrician to over see her care. He was gentle, thorough and kind! He left and next on the agenda was working on going home. That required a car seat, something we for sure didn't want to bring to the hospital with us to avoid the pain of seeing it in the back of the car empty on our way home. But here we were now needing one. Amazing, she was allowing us to dream. We were scared!!!!!!

During the hospice talk, paperwork and life swirling around, Arabellas breathing became more labored, her oxygen levels bouncing up and down more and more. Once again we started our goodbyes. This time it was different. She was smiling, her eyes were opened, they were moving, she showed expressions. Interesting that when someone is dying they can look more peaceful? She was seeing glimpses of heaven, we witnessed the same thing 6 months earlier as my grandma died. It was the most amazing sight ever and I will forever lack the words to describe it. But, it was also my daughter, a sight no mother should ever witness. Sin entered this world way back in the beginning. We live in a fallen world and therefore things won't be perfect in this world, God warned us of that, many times in the bible. The good news is it will be perfect again one day, and it's a day we long for.

Arabella was leaving us, after an amazing 45 hours of life, she drank from a bottle, she breastfed, she smiled, she cooed, she loved more in that time than most people will ever experience. We were in awe of her! And every day we miss her! Today we celebrate the gift she gave, today we celebrate the many many ways that God showed up then and still does today!

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11

The road that we are on is a long one, sometimes I want to jump off it, but find I am stuck, like on new pavement, unable to move, other times i'm making new tracks, sometimes the tracks come so easy, other times so difficult. The road has smooth spots to it, bumpy spots and uphill ones where I feel like i'm making no progress. Other traffic just rushes by, and the wind is sometimes what keeps me moving forward!

God has been my rock through it all, or like one of my favorite songs says 'my light house'. He has led me safe to shore and will lead me in the darkness!

"A million times i've needed you,

A million times I've cried.....

If love alone could have saved you

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,

In death I love you still.

In my heart you hold a place,

no one else can ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

but you didn't go alone,

part of me went with you

the day God took you home." 

Arabella's AMAZING Birthday

AMAZING DAY! BLOWN AWAY! Can I get a HEY? AND let's PRAY!!!!!!!!!! (So I think I need sleep).......

I barely have ANY energy left to type, or clear thinking left, but i'm going to try really hard to get this super amazingly exciting post out! ARABELLA"S BIRTHDAY TODAY ROCKED! My first ever cemetry party and by far one of my most favorite of all time AND the Amazing Arabella giveaway.

Tonight i'm just going to cover the birthday girl giveaway, it was such a huge part of her birthday and REALLY REALLY emphasises the #celebrateeverything.

The trickiest part of the process was packing all the items in our suburban. I thankfully had the wonderful help of both my sisters. We grew up with a 'semi professional' packing dad, he taught us well, and he would have been proud. Loading up I felt like our truck turned into a Mary Poppins bag, and then unloading it felt the same way..stuff just kept coming!!!!

I was moved, it was way fun, Mayla was PUMPED and Will and I held hands and squeezed each other's hands. It felt healing, it felt refreshing, it felt GOOD! One of the best things you can do to heal during grief is by helping others....healing was happening! THANK YOU ALL for helping! Strangers, family, friends, loved ones...THANK YOU!!!!!

ON OUR WAY!!!

Arabella bear was with us the whole day, Mayla was pumped to bring her along and show her what was going on. We were PACKED in there!

Busting at the seams when we opened the tailgate :o)

AMAZING helper, SHE SO got it

ALLLLLLL This!!! CELEBRATE EVERYTHING!!!!!

MORE TO COME LATER................

The night before....

I see other little babies that would be Arabella's age and I want to wrap my arms around them. I saw a complete stranger the other day holding a squirmy little guy who looked to be 11 months old. It was hot and the mom was trying really hard to control the child and not let them get down since it was an unsafe environment for the little guy. In my head I had the whole conversation and my actions played out how I would approach this lady and tag team with her, just to have a chance at holding him. I did stop myself in fear she would think I was a freak. My good friend had a little boy a week after Arabella was born, he is a gift to me. My friend will never know the deep love I have for that little man, and how much joy he has given me. When I look at him, I can guess what Arabella would be doing, and the smiles he gives me are priceless! God knew what I would need, and he gave it to me! These are called hugs from God...he cares, he knows me and he sees me!

I was just looking back over our last year of pictures. A lot happens according to the pictures we take in a year! It was a blast, but one thing was common from month to month to month; There is someone missing in every family photo that is taken; A daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter. Arabella bear made it into some pictures, that bear has become Mayla's BFF for one year now. Today Mayla bought her a new nuggi for her birthday:) Her way of going through grief and it's adorable. Hugs from God to hear her interact and take such good care of this 'pretend sister'. God cares, God knows, and God sees her!

Arabella Bear taking her first ride on the horse at the local grocery store.

I sat with a dear dear friend tonight by Arabella’s grave, after she left I stayed around, not quite ready to depart for the business of ‘life’ and the distractions that come ones way. There we were, Arabella and me, the wind, the memories, the images and then the tears. Oh how I miss her toes, and lips, she seriously had the most perfect lips I had ever laid eyes on, and her perfectly soft skin.

She was perfection. She was developmentally missing part of her skull, but I never notice that, and even though we did away with all the hats in the hospital after getting over the feeling like we had to ‘cover up her imperfections', I never ever have memories of that. When I think about her, see her, remember her, I see a perfect baby! She was fearfully and wonderfully made! God cares, God knows and God sees her!!!!

I have 300 thoughts racing through my mind, things I want to share, what I’ve learned over the past year, how I want to grow more, what advice I want to share with others going through something like this and I just can’t do it. I’m overwhelmed right now by people’s generosity. I”m overwhelmed right now by stories I’m still hearing 1 year later. I’m overwhelmed by how God really deeply cares. I’m overwhelmed by how I”m able to help others I don’t even know. I’m overwhelmed because of one of the best choices I have ever made, and that was to carry my baby to term, knowing she would not live! I’m overwhelmed because God chose me. God chose me!!!!!!!!

EXACTLY one year ago, Mayla dressing Arabella. That night we went to the hospital

I was scared, I was excited, I was not in control, I was surrendered to the one who made me and knew me. God was with us and he is to this day!

I sit in the dark, in the silence of the house:overwhelmed. I can no longer CLOSE the nursery room door, the room is FULL of stuff for her Birthday giveaway tomorrow (don't panic if you missed the date, i'm going to take another round of stuff there next week).  Tears run down my cheeks as I stand and look at the piles, i'm grateful, i'm in awe, i'm shocked, i'm brought to my knees in humility by all the love and support! THANK YOU!!!!!! Arabella's room was suppose to have all those things in it, and you have all made that possible, you have fulfilled a dream, my heart is full. My mommy cup runneth over!!

Will be delivered to Alpha Women's center tomorrow on Arabella's birthday. I"m SOOOO Excited!! THANK YOU THANK YOU! (This isn't all of it)

Celebrate good times....COME ON!!!!!!!!!

Almost 365 days have passed since I laid eyes on one of the most amazing gifts. Almost 525,600 minutes have passed since I held one of the most beautiful babies in my arms and almost 31,536,000 seconds have passed since Arabella Nani Ellis took her first of many many many unexpected breaths!

It's absolutely crazy to think that we are approaching her one year birthday,  my heart and emotions know the day is coming. Grief spikes at the one year mark, I thought I would be exempt. Not because I'm so tough and strong, but because of all the healing that has taken place, as the days continue on though, I realize that I'm not exempt and that's okay. I feel like I'm not only grieving the loss of Arabella, but the loss of Baby Feeah, and the months that have gone by with an empty womb and empty arms. I feel I was created to be a mother, and when the clock keeps ticking and I'm trying really really hard to do what I can to help the process (and yes it's fun, thank you God for inventing things the way you did, wink wink) it's tougher on me emotionally. Mayla is adorable, but she wears her emotions on the outside too (poor Will having to deal with two of us), and when she lies in bed at night and we are praying for God to open mommy's womb for another baby and you see your three year old sobbing because she wants a sibling, it's really really hard! Grief has been real, raw and JUST like the books say, random!

I've been thinking for months about her one year birthday, and playing around with a lot of ideas, but this idea that I've borrowed from a dear dear friend of mine SETS ME ON FIRE with excitement!

You're invited to celebrate Arabella Nani Elli's birthday with us! The theme we learned during Arabella's life and death was to #CELEBRATEEVERYTHING! It's tough some days, but we are doing it! And we would like your help to keep it going! Since Arabella isn't here to shower gifts upon, we invite you to bring us gifts, in honor of Arabella, that we will forward on to a place that is near and dear to our heart, Alpha Women's Center (https://www.alphawc.org/). I have been there a couple times and it's an amazing place. They care for pregnant mommies, unplanned and planned, and care for the babies and the needs they have after birth. Part of their vision is "Changing Hearts, Changing Lives. Changing Generations". Since losing Arabella, this place has meant more to me; Those going the distance to help others realize that every life matters! 

SOOOOOOOOOO It's Party time.............

In remembrance of Arabella on her birthday, August 19th, we will go to Alpha Women's center and drop off the gifts. I can not tell you the giddiness I have spiraling through my body at the thought of this. Gifts can be dropped off to our porch (or inside my home if I'm home and maybe we could have cookies together and chat), mailed to me, or I can pick things up or meet you somewhere! THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You can PM me if you are interested in coordinating a drop off or for my mailing address. Email address is keri.ellis22@gmail.com in case you want to communicate that way! 

So what can you give? Good question. Here is the list: SO FUN!!!!!!!!

NEW AND USED ACCEPTED:

• Children’s clothing – preemie to 6T

• Maternity Clothing and Nursing Bras

• Winter coats, hats, mittens, scarves, boots for all sizes 

• Infant Bedding

• Burp clothes and Bibs

• Socks and tights for babies and children

• Children’s bath towels, wash clothes and bath toys

• Toys and books – new or like new for our Christmas Shoppe

• Batteries any size to repair toys

• Children’s utensils, dishes and Sippy cups

• Back packs and school supplies

NEW ITEMS NEEDED:

• Diapers size newborn-6 (most needed: size 3, 4 and 5)

• New infant outfits, booties, toys, blankets, onesies

• Baby bottles and nipples

• Feminine products and toiletries

• Shampoo for women and babies

• Pack-n-plays

• Gift cards to Target, Staples, Office Max, Meijer, Family Fare, Gordon Foods, Hobby Lobby, Home Depot,  Michael’s, Bed Bath and Beyond, Baby’s R Us, Toys R Us, Best Buy, Lowe’s, Costco, Sam’s Club or other stores in our area.

Today I ran over and visited my girl. I told her what I was up to and the huge celebration that is to come! The image that plays through my mind, as if it's on a big screen, is the one when she was leaving this world and had a huge smile on her face! I can picture her smiling like that in heaven! Oh the surrendering, oh the relinquishing, and OH the JOY!!!!!

We prayed for all of you too as we shared peaceful time alone this morning.

There's a party goin' on right here

A dedication to last throughout the years

So bring your good times and your laughter too

We gonna celebrate and party with you

Come on now, celebration

Let's all celebrate and have a good time, yeah yeah

Celebration

We gonna celebrate and have a good time

It's time to come together

It's up to you, what's your pleasure?

Everyone around the world come on!

Yahoo!

It's a celebration

Yahoo!

It's a celebration

Celebrate good times, come on!

(Let's celebrate come on now)

Celebrate good times, come on!

(Let's celebrate)

Results and longings

IT"S A GIRL......that's what our announcement would have said. A baby girl was in my belly for almost 10 weeks. When I heard my doctor utter those 4 letters, the flood gates of emotions opened back up. I thought of all the pink clothes tucked away in boxes, and the giggles that would take place between Mayla and her sister! My longings grew, intensified and I wanted that rainbow baby girl back.

When I had my D&C, Will and I decided to have the fetus taken and be examined. We were eagerly awaiting those results daily, anything to shed some light on what had happened. During that time I also had a few blood tests done that came back normal, which we were excited about. Our Doctor called last week and asked if it was a good time to talk. I was sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store, with Mayla already out of her car seat, I wasn't sure if it was a good time or bad time, but naturally said, "good time",  I was eager. 

I knew there was a chance that the results could come back with 'no results possible', and we had been praying for weeks that they would be able to find something out. We knew that it would not help the pain or lessen the heartache, but that it might shed some light for us. No matter what she said, I was trying to focus on Hebrews 13:8, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever"! The one who controls everything!

She first told me it was a girl, and then said that she died from Trisomy 16, an extra chromosome had snuck in where one didn't belong and most all fetus' die within the first trimester. Another pregnancy and another abnormal one. What is crazy to me is that the three pregnancies we do know about, are all totally unrelated situations; Transposition of the great vessels, anencephaly and now trisomy. We never had testing done on our first miscarriage, so don't know that missing piece. Our doctor referred us to see a genetic counselor just to start chatting about the past. The past is not a place to dwell, but a place I feel good to visit and remember in order to figure out how to move forward! Each day I have been working on moving forward, but every so often I feel as though someone tied my shoes together and instead of walking forward I have fallen straight on my face. Those are humbling moments, and the only place I want to look when I am down, is straight back up again! "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart." ~Jeremiah 29:12-13 

So to a genetic counselor we are going. What for, we aren't really sure, what will come of it, we don't know, will anything need to change, we will see what they say. Does God know? Yup. Is that all that matters, Yup. Mayla is still talking about her baby brother, and yes almost still daily. The other day she got a chocolate from a friend and told me she was keeping it for her baby brother. I was rather stern with her that there is NO baby in mommy's tummy and if she were to have a baby brother it would take a long time for him to be able to have that chocolate (basically trying to convince her to let me have the chocolate of course). Her response to that was, 'Well then I will give it to my fake baby brother!" I wasn't sure how I felt by that comment but what I do know is I will make sure I tell her therapist about that one...........Oh Mayla, how we love her!!!!

Speaking of that spunky little thing, she had a big appointment this week; one we had been looking forward to and dreading at the same time for months. Mayla needs regular heart check ups to make sure everything is flowing properly. She was suppose to have an ultrasound almost 1.5 years ago, due to her nature, she didn't cooperate and screamed her face off, we didn't push and decided it would be okay to try when she was older. That appointment came and went months ago and her being older didn't help one bit, but only made the screams louder, the kicking more intense and the heart wrenching more painful when we tried! We knew we had that last attempt and it crushed both Will and I that NOTHING we bribed her with would convince her to lay on the table and let them take a look, we knew that having that failed attempt would mean needing an appointment with sedation.

I had called Mayla's cardiologist, and the sedation team a few times. I made sure they noted everything I requested, and that there was a red flag on Mayla's chart, I needed the best hands on deck and I was fine with being that annoying parent! We went over sedation techniques, what would be needed and how to best go about it. I then brought that to Mayla's therapist, yes 3.5 and she's seeing someone too. They say children can't remember much from being an infant, and I believe that's a fairy tale, Mayla has proven it different.  Her daily anxiety, mostly stemming from how she was born,  a side order of PTSD, then losing her baby sister in a hospital, and then mommy having to go to a hospital for surgery after losing another baby has been a bit much for this sweet sweet child and after working for 10 weeks closely with her therapist we needed this appointment to go as smoothly as possible.

The bonus wednesday morning was Mayla sleeping in, it limited the amount of time at home we had to tell Mayla she couldn't eat or drink. She knew what was happening Wednesday morning, we had been talking about it for weeks, anxiety loves information, so we tried to help set the stage as best as we could. We actually woke her up and the first words out of her mouth were, 'I DON"T WANT TO BE AWAKE!!!". It was so cute and so real and so heartfelt, we laughed, and then she followed it up with tears, 'I don't want to go to the hospital today!!!!'. She had remembered, she got it and her fear was intense. Will took her sobbing body into his and just prayed and prayed and prayed. The transformation was amazing as soon as he helped her give it over to God. She was joyous in the waiting room and played for awhile before they finally came to get her. She weeped and whined a bit, but nothing like appointments past as we were walking back to our room.

She wanted NOTHING to do with the bed that was in the room and opted for Papi's big comforting arms in the hard chair, I gladly took to the bed. There were a few tears in between the talks and quick things that needed to be done, but once again, NOTHING like the past. The nurse was amazing that worked with us and the doctor was a gift from God. She walked in the room and sat right down at Mayla's level and didn't approach Mayla till she had been in our room with us for awhile. They cared, they were patient and they loved on our little girl. It warmed my heart and I was so thankful! We put together a plan and I was astonished when Mayla totally cooperated for the 'fairy dust' nasal spray up her nose. They shot it like a cannon and she SCREAMED! They informed me afterwards how bad it tastes just about the same time Mayla was screaming, IT"S YUCKY, IT"S YUCKY". She was taking a towel and trying to wipe her tongue, I thought she was going to puke, we couldn't get her water fast enough........And then we waited. The drug had about an hour to work before we would need to do an IV. We gave her one that would help her forget what had happened and one to put her to sleep. It was really interesting to watch this drug work over her little body (and broke my heart that this was needed JUST for an ultrasound). We prayed and prayed and prayed and others were praying and praying too! After we gave the Nasal shot as I call it, they had to hook up an oxygen sensor to her foot. The last time I put one of those on my daughters was Arabella in the hospital. Doing it to Mayla opened up a pretty big can of grief, one I hadn't opened, one that felt as if it had no bottom.
Then to see the numbers on the monitor brought me back to when Mayla was just born and we wondered if she would live as we watched the monitor numbers fluctuate, it brought me back to watching Arabella's oxygen levels drop as we were losing her. A simple monitor has changed how I react in life. I stood there just weeping, tears streaming down my face as I watched this 'bigger' girl, still so fragile and still on loan to us starting to cave into her Papi's arms, I remembered seeing him hold her the first time when she was five days old and all that's happened since then. Life is a gift, are you treating yours like a gift? The ones around you?

We were able to transition Mayla and Will to the bed, Will's poor bum bum was a bit on the sore side after awkwardly sitting for an hour plus. The transition was hard as Mayla wanted NOTHING to do with that hospital bed and her relaxed body fought it hard, we squeezed her and tried to comfort her, knowing we NEEDED her on that bed!

She caved and laid there and continued to fight the urge to close her eyes and sleep as she watched Doc Mcstuffins on the TV...we had turned that on well after she had received the 'forget everything sleepy drugs' in an attempt to relax her and get her to lay back and watch. After about 40 minutes her eyes finally closed and Will tried to sneak out from under her; and then in typical Mayla fashion, her eyes popped open which brought back memories from her infancy, she screamed her head off and freaked out because she was laying on the bed alone and he then slipped back under her....the nurse was surprised and like us wasn't sure if she would cave enough. We had 20 minutes left on the clock for her to sleep and to do the ultrasound before we would need to put an IV in her....I stood over her and prayed and prayed. They set the machine up and with Will laying on his side in the most sacrificial position ever to stay near Mayla, they were able to get all the images they needed and her eyes popped open just as they were finishing. It was incredible to see her heart pounding on the screen, and when she turned the audio sound on, the tears started to flow again, running down my cheeks and dripping onto the hospital floor. I wondered if any other mom had left tears in that same spot before. Mine wasn't for the child that lay in the bed before me though, mine was for the child that lay in the grave down the street and the one that had just been scraped from inside me. The heartbeat sound of Mayla echoed off the walls and crawled through my whole body. My arms instantly ached as I wanted to hold my sweet Arabella. My arms longed for the fluttering little heart beat we saw on a monitor similar to the one I was looking at months before. These were parts of grief that snuck up, when I thought about her appointment that day, NEVER did I think about any of these details and prepare myself for them. I felt like my whole body had been whacked by a 2X4 and instantly I felt drained.

Notice Arabella bear close by, she never left her the whole time.

Mayla woke up and right away said, 'hey what happened to Doc?" I looked at the nurse and said, 'really, they will forget everything medicine?'. He had this perplexed look on his face like, 'wow that's pretty impressive'. Mayla once again showing her uniqueness.

Mayla insisted on walking when we left, she was so pumped to get ice cream.

However we won that battle and carried her, however when we did let her down I have NEVER laughed so hard at a toppling toddler as we did our drunk little sailor. She was providing quite the entertainment and i'm bummed that we were so busy laughing at her that we forget to video the slurring and slow mo speech that was coming from her mouth. She crashed when we got home and I snuggled up next to her. The morning had left me emotionally drained and to feel the warmth of her relaxed body was a gift I cherish. She woke up first, sat up, looked at me and gave me the hugest smile. I was so proud of my brave little warrior girl.

I was gifted a WONDERFUL daily devotional called 'Streams in the Desert' and on the day we lost baby Feeah (4th Baby), it read, 'Be strong and take heart. Psalm 27:14
Be strong, He has not failed you
In all the past,
And will He go and leave you
To sink at last?
No, He said He will hide you
Beneath His wing;
And sweetly there in safety
You then may sing.'

Our rainbow has faded, and every day I look into an empty nursery room I'm reminded of the losses. But each day I wake up, I'm also reminded of God's love. I'm reminded that his Love for me and Will and Mayla is MORE than I can fathom. I'm reminded each day in the little things that his ways are not my ways. I need to trust him in these little things every day so that when the big things happen, or keep happening, i'm ready for them. You ever try to balance on a teeter totter right in the middle by yourself and keep it perfectly balanced, it's rather hard. It's hard to balance right in the middle of our relationship with God, you're either rocking towards him or away from him, and I would much rather be rockin' his way. He is bigger than anencephaly, he is bigger than miscarriage, he is bigger than difficult children and he wants to be bigger in your life, what's holding you back?

NOT the anniversary we planned...

We first went in on April, 19th 2016. Thirty minutes before our appointment, my nerves kicked in, heading back into the same office where we had so much history, about to check on the status of our fourth child, the newest addition to our family. Seven weeks pregnant, we were overjoyed to be there. I was hopeful, but I couldn't focus on anything except how hard it seemed to breathe in that moment. My chest felt like it had a 30 pound weight pressing down on it, when I laid on the ultrasound table and she squeezed that warm goopy gel onto my belly, the weight on my chest doubled to the feeling of 60 pounds, I was light hearted and heavy hearted at the same time. And then, we saw it, the uterus with a good looking yoke sac inside , a life that had a heart beat fluttering steadily. We squeezed each other's hands, we smiled, and we surrendered! During the ultrasound though something rather interesting happened. The technician was playing music, a song came on that we played at Arabella's funeral and says; "You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name!" Will and I looked at each other, each thinking the same thing but neither of us saying a word. Out of all the songs in the world that could be played at this time, WHY this one? I almost felt at that moment God was trying to prepare our hearts. And for the fourth time, we fully surrendered another baby to Him, submitting to what he had planned for our future.

The weeks have been filled with thoughts of our rainbow baby, the excitement of sharing with family and friends, the hope of another life being formed inside my womb and Mayla finally getting the sibling she has been talking nonstop about! We never told her we were pregnant but she would bring it up on a daily basis, even telling me that we were having a baby boy and she was starting to pack toys away for him.  She would see baby items in the store and insist we bought them for her brother. We never told her, but we think God did! The dreams were coming, and December 12th was ingrained on my mind already as the future due date.

Last Friday I was overcome with fear, I sat in tears as I longed for Arabella and feared for the life that was inside me, it was the scariest point I had been since getting pregnant.  My mommy instincts knew something wasn't right, all I wanted to do was hug Mayla and hold her close and be near my husband. Sunday came and the signs started coming, but it was Mother's Day and I ignored them, and went about my day. Today there was no ignoring them.

Hope was diminishing by early this morning, and I had to cling to Trust. I had to trust that God knew what he was doing, I had to trust that he had our lives in his hands, and I had to trust that everything WOULD be ok! It was a battlefield! Two songs came on the radio back to back. The first, Blessed be your name (lyrics above), and the second was called Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson (had never heard it before today).

"In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
you alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm
When my hope and dreams are far from me, and I'm running out of faith
I see the future I pictured slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name."

Today as I once again squeezed my hubbies hand during our ultrasound and sat and looked at a screen with a uterus with no heart beat, the tears of pain and heartache began pouring down my face. Dreams were broken, desires were shattered and the pain was intense. Once again I mourned the loss of another child and another part of my heart was broken! I clung to my husband as I sobbed and cried out to Jesus. I felt the wounds open and salt being poured in, once again surrendering to the fact that we are in control of only ONE thing and it's the way we respond to what is thrown at us in life! We stood there in that dim lit room holding each other, praying and being thankful we had one another. He was my strong tower, uttering over and over, "it's nothing you did, You did nothing wrong, it's not your fault!" When we married each other exactly 8 years ago today this was NOT where I envisioned we would be spending our anniversary. This is all so raw...this morning I was straying from everything you stray from when you are pregnant, tonight I'm drinking tea and had soft cheese, pregnancy rules out the window, and my heart, body, and mind trying to figure out how to bounce back from this.

Our #CELEBRATEEVERTYHING hashtag is once again being put into practice as we travel down another bumpy road filled with many obstacles. I'm beginning to think my white surrender flag isn't big enough to be seen!

Why us, why this baby, why again? I don't know and it's hard, but it's ok. What I do know the answer to is what now? I wake up tomorrow, I get out of bed, I love Will, I love Mayla,  I love others, I breathe and I find peace and comfort in God! Through the tears, I surrender and I submit, because God's got this!

Another Ellis baby in Heaven, Baby Feeah