Never did I imagine.....

You ever sit at a coffee shop and just break down, people all around you. I try to make it look like i'm crying over how wonderfully good the pastry i'm indulging in tastes, then I stick out my belly, knowing that the combination will work in my advantage and I will feel the eyes leave me!

Tomorrow marks a day I never heard about, nor knew a thing about before Friday, February 13th 2015.

The awareness ribbon has a different meaning to me, the green one touches very close to home now, something I never imagined!! I look at it now and am moved, get emotional and at times don't like that I have a close affiliation with one. Other times I feel honored that God chose Will and I to walk this road, and i'm humbled by the people we have already met along the way and look forward to the ones who path we have yet to cross, but know they are coming:)

I'm 25 weeks pregnant now, and just as I suspected, it's getting harder. Some times I try to suck it in, pretending the pregnancy is not really happening, wondering if it's possible it's all still a bad dream. Some times I am hoping the baggy sweat shirt that's been baggy for a while will still hide the bump, so I don't have to answer to strangers when they ask a single question about being pregnant. And then it happens, baby Nani rolls, flips, kicks and squirms (and i'm convinced she's already using my bladder as a trampoline) and I fall fast in love, and I take every kick, every move, every jolt as a gift, another day closer to meeting her, holding her and seeing her perfectly made through God's eyes, not by earthy eyes! I'm learning through this pregnancy to try harder to see things through God's eyes, it's one of the many lessons that Baby Nani is teaching me! 

There's been a lot happening over the last couple weeks and some days I pat myself on the back just for getting out of bed and facing the day! Other days i'm ready, eager and excited for what the day holds, I can honestly say it's been interesting. My phone has been buzzing/ringing and beeping a lot lately, and most of the time it's strangers, but phone numbers that quickly get put in my contacts list. 

I've met people in the last couple of months who I know I would have never met had we not traveled this road and i'm thankful for them! One special person just walked this road ahead of me and said goodbye to their son last night who was born sleeping, please keep them in your prayers as they travel this extremely hard road. We have supported each other over the last months, prayed for each other and I know we will continue to be friends for years to come! I'm so thankful she was brought into my life and i'm excited to know that her little Elijah is getting to know his way around Heaven and will be able to welcome baby Nani when she arrives, they've already had a play date together 10 weeks ago! 

The pregnancy overall is going wonderful! Despite being on the worlds 'rolliest' emotional roller-coaster I am full of energy; i'm still running, surfing, keeping up with Mayla and even able to function without a daily nap!!! I have yet to be plagued with the horrible pregnancy heartburn that I felt I had throughout the whole pregnancy with Mayla and on a daily basis, we laugh in our house and are filled with joy. There are a lot of things I NEVER imagined though, and those things can be extremely draining!  

I never imagined I would be sitting next to my husband on the coach on a tuesday night, looking at a Hospice of Michigan Website looking for help for our unborn child and thinking they may be coming with us into our house.

Never did I imagine that I would get a call while driving down the road and discuss what we wanted to donate from our unborn child, and what the whole process would look like weeks/months ahead of the due date.  The discussion about using part of baby Nani's cells for research after she dies, and the hope of using as many organs as possible to save another's life, all the while she's kicking happily inside me, was this call really happening?!

Never once did I imagine I would be on the receiving end of a phone call from a company called Parent to Parent, wanting to offer my phone number to another parent who has been through what we have been through and wanted to offer help in any way.

Never did I imagine being pregnant and having NO desire to pull out all the baby stuff collecting dust in the basement, that's been screaming for years to be used again, played with, washed and put back in a drawer, and never did I imagine choosing to let it sit, as that seems to cause less pain than all the empty dreams it all holds for now.

I never imagined I would be looking at infant caskets, let alone looking at infant clothing and instead of picturing the sweet little body laying peacefully and happily in my arms, looking at the outfit and picturing her laying peacefully in a casket.

and Never once did I imagine Will and I's dinner conversation would be where we would want Baby Nani buried. Trying to weight the pros and cons of right down the street from us to another cemetery further away.

Some days the decisions are exhausting, it almost seems like trying to decide what to have for dinner is a struggle, as if all my decision making abilities have been lost for the day! Some times I don't even want to think about it, and some days I do take a break, realizing that's healthy too!

A song I constantly have going through my head that speaks and moves me is Jared Anderson's "Where I am right now". This song is AMAZING!!!!!!!!
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfzcKsEG_Bw
Part of the song:
Lyrics:
Where I am right now
God, Your plan is the best
But, my heart is a mess
I'm wondering why You have me here
I'm so ready to be moving on
In my head I'm already gone
But, Your voice is crystal clear

I am called to be where I am right now
In the middle of a storm, but I have no doubt
You are here with me
You are here with me
And I won't give in or second guess
I'm trusting You with every step
Father, You are here with me
Where I am right now; where I am right now
Where I am right now
Is where I am right now; where I am right now
Where I am right now

We thank you deeply for your continued prayers, messages, emails, cards and just reaching out to let us know you are there! We are glad to journey with you, and will continue loving having you by our side as the road continues to be rough and rigid.

I received a gift today, more than one....

Me and my sister rolled in our driveway at 12:05am this morning, I saw my husband in the window and was ELATED he was still awake, and elated I was finally home. We had only been gone since Thursday, but for some reason, the Zija convention trip to Kentucky/Ohio seemed like I was gone for weeks (and maybe that's because i've pretty much been on the move and bags packed since beginning of April).  A hot shower and my bed, tucked in my hubby's arms sounded heavenly! In between potty trips, the sleep was wonderful, but I woke up feeling exhausted and pumped about going to church to sit with God's people and worship. Little did I know Satan was already lurking in our house, waiting...

Since our valve went bad in our hot water heater and we had a flooding in the basement back in February, there has been a serious amount of sediment coming through the pipes clogging our faucets. Once a week/every two weeks we would have to take off the trap and clean it out, well in the last week or so this started to become a daily project for Will around our house, if not twice a day. We heard from a plumber that if we emptied hot water from the heater over the course of days, it should resolve the problem, so today was the day to start the process. It didn't go well and left us with NO hot water flowing through the pipes (most likely clogged along the way) and for a short period of time, no cold water even. I tried to go about my morning as if it didn't matter keeping in mind that I wanted to make it out the door to church, however; no water, breakfast needed for 3 people, and getting ready for church it was hard not to notice! Did I mention Will would be working all day and needed to be to work by 9:30, the poor guy was scrambling around as much as I was. Our peaceful, wonderful, family breakfast and sunday morning hang out time that I had been dreaming about since Thursday was shattering right in front of me. His lips barely brushed past mine as he sprinted out the door and I felt deflated. Staying in my comfy baggy shorts and sweat shirt sounded heavenly and looking at Mayla in her fleece jammies, I knew she would agree, but I felt the urge to go to Church and knew Satan wanted me to stay home, so that made me want to go even more. 

I tried to ignore the clock as I rolled in to the car filled parking lot, forced to park a lot further out than normal was a sign WE WERE LATE! I told Mayla we needed to RUN and tried to make it sound all exciting so she would easily join in, she did the opposite; stood like a statue next to the car with her arms up in utter defeat as if her legs were frozen to the ground. I swept in, picked her up and we ran in the building. I felt pretty excited that they had not yet locked the sunday school rooms and was hopeful Mayla would make it in. I even swung her over the baby gate, and put her feet on the floor. Just as she was taking off, they gave me the news I was hoping NOT to hear, 'we are full, we can't take her!' You ever show up late to an event in a busy city, pull up to a parking garage and see the 'FULL' sign out front, causing you to have to make a quick alternative plan, and not too happy, that was me. I grabbed Mayla back, tears streaming down my face and headed for safety in the bathroom until I could pull myself together. In utter defeat and instant exhaustion I thought about my comfy shorts and sweat shirt waiting for me at home and thought we would just sneak out and head home to chill, praying no one I knew saw me along the way. As I was walking out, Mayla following a few steps behind me wondering in her toddler mind what was happening and why that was the shortest sunday school experience she had ever had; I wiped my tears, stepping on Satan as I walked, and by the grace of God,  I headed for the 'crying room' where they provide a live streaming of the service.  I sat, and snuggled in to my confused toddler and sang as tears streamed down my face. I knew that I may not get much from church, but I WAS NOT going to allow Satan to win and wanted Mayla to see that some times in life adjustments need to be made. I sat, and prayed and thanked God he gave me the strength to stay. 

Mayla was starting to get rambunctious, focusing was hard, and as I was playing back in my mind the morning craziness the door to the sanctuary opened and in walked my gift from God! A lady from Church who I have been emailing for 2.5 months in hopes of one day meeting was standing there in front of me. From becoming facebook friends and blog 'stalkers' of one another, we recognized each other and embraced. I quickly shared how we ended up in the 'crying room' (what I thought was called crying room for the babies but just so happened today it was for the mommies too). She left us after a brief moment to use the ladies room and when she came back in she had brought 2 cookies, water and on a napkin had wrote the most beautiful note. 

I sat in awe of God as cookie crumbles fell from Mayla's mouth onto my lap, and tears streamed down my face! I made the decision Mayla could have both cookies so I could sit and ponder God longer, and realized if I would have disobeyed, and stayed home like every part of me was telling me to do, or left the church when there was no room for her, like every part of me was telling me to do, I would have missed the gift that God had waiting for me. God's gift came with a price, and it came with hurt and tears, but it came. In what ways are you disobeying and possibly missing the gift God wants to share with you? 

Entertaining Mayla became harder and harder during the service and when she was finally content for a few moments, removing EVERY single crayon from the box putting them all over the floor, I allowed her to. This move of hers came with the consequence that she had to pick up every single one when we were done, a task for a toddler that takes a LONG time. Well because of that, I was able to see my new friend again, and once again she demonstrated Jesus' love and invited me to lunch with her family. My first thought was no, I didn't want to be a burden, but then I eagerly accepted her invitation. I felt wrapped in Jesus' arms and praised Him for the trials of the morning. 

God touched me today, and God used her to a level I don't think she will ever know! She was a real live gift from God, sent to church today for God's use for me, and I humbly say THANK YOU!!!! Her message she poured one me, was the exact same message Pastor Jeff poured onto the people of Ada today. Are we here to only to serve ourselves, or will we take the stand and realize we have something to offer the people around us, and serve others the way God wants us to! 

Big ultrasound news.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

We are more in love than this morning. Baby Nani was one active, adorable, sweet little one pound 3 ounce thang and we are thankful!!! She's in the 75 percentile for height and 47 percentile for weight, I had NO idea that growth charts started in-utero, but we now have the start to our special girls baby book collection!

The atmosphere in the dim lit examining room was lighthearted. Will and I both sat (well I laid) in great anticipation of the news, but unfortunately it was just silence which lead me to start talking. I informed the rad tech that I was interested in knowing as much as she was able to share as she was looking around; She gladly started communicating! The very first image that popped up on the screen was the stomach, and to me something looked wrong, and I was afraid my worst fear for the day would be coming true. When I walked in that office today, it was not the fear of seeing or hearing our baby still had anencephaly, but that our baby had more complications or problems than they had originally seen, that's what consumed me most! She looked, and looked and measured, and captured, and looked some more and snapped more photos, all while saying nothing looked abnormal. However I didn't want to assume anything so just kept praying!

After almost an hour, the lady was done getting the images she needed and asked us if there were any photos in particular we wanted, I told her I really wanted a profile picture. When I walked in, that was the ONLY thing I wanted to walk out with, a full picture of our girl that we could frame! However, In the words of the rad tech, 'she is not cooperating today'. What's funny to us about this saying is that we heard it EVERY ultra sound with Mayla, and here we were again, it made us both chuckle! She tried and tried and tried, but Baby Nani was a moving and a shaking and no picture was possible. So she moved on to try and get a 3D pic, we NEVER got one for Mayla, becuase she NEVER cooperated so I thought this would be a great memory to have of baby Nani. I also was VERY interested in seeing a 3D image so I could see the severity of the anencephaly, did it start just above her eye sockets, or did she at least have a forehead. Can you believe Baby Nani's hands/arms where in the way every time she tried? She could never get a clear view and the 3D images where not turning out so stellar. She finally gave up on the face and went for the legs, those were even a struggle and once she captured them you could tell she was not too impressed with her results.

We ended on a positive note as she had nothing new to report in her findings, I felt relieved and excited. I can handle the anencephaly, I have come to accept that, what would have been hard is hearing that on top of anencephaly the baby has a hole in the heart or missing body parts or some other aliment which is normally paired with anencephaly. I felt blessed and was grateful for the news we were receiving and clung to the hope that we still have 15-18 weeks for God to perform a miracle if that's HIS plan!

We then went and met with a doctor who just so happened to walk in right when I had tears streaming down my face. Will and I were in the middle of a deep Jesus talk and I had hopped aboard the emotional roller coaster. She was sweet, comforting and a wonderfully caring person to be around! She too communicated how hard it is to prepare to say hello and goodbye in the same breathe. She listened as we talked and she had compassion in her eyes! We asked her about organ donation and how we could set something up ahead of time so it would be one less thing to worry about later on. She had no idea but tried to connect us with two people who she thought should know! She asked questions we had not thought about, which left me feeling like bricks were being stacked upon my shoulders. 'Have you thought about the possibility of bringing this baby home with you?' Have you thought about perinatal hospice being around when you bring your child home to help out?' Do you want a doula, not so much for birth assistance but someone to help control friends and family after birth and help communicate with others to give you and Will some breathing room?' I told her honestly, I think about the day I'm in, and up until now i've been in emergency mode wondering when I will be rushing to the hospital having miscarried. Today was the first time I thought I might actually need to pack a hospital bag and deliver this child. I was overwhelmed, what is God going to do?! We talked about natural birth over c-section, being paired with another mentoring family that has traveled this road before us, and even discussed the possibility of us being a mentor couple to another family going through what Mayla went through. Have I mentioned I just want to go to sleep and it's 6:30pm?!

Dr. Jean said our baby was beautiful, and besides the skull, she was perfect. She reported that every thing they checked came back normal, something else that elated me. They want to see me back in 10 weeks. At that time they will be monitoring the amniotic fluid. Anencephalic babies have a tendency to not drink enough amniotic fluid which leaves me 'filled to the brim'. It's only a problem if it interrupts my breathing and then they have to empty some out. OH JOY!!! Praying that does not happen.

Are we disappointed by today's results? Absolutely not. God still has 15-18 weeks to work, and we will surrender to whatever that looks like. We will continue to be used by Him in whatever capacity He chooses.

meet our squirming little baby Nani. 

My hope is found...

...In Christ Alone, "he is my light, my strength, my song; this cornerstone, this solid ground; firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!! My comforter, my All in All, here in the Love of Christ I stand.' We sang this song on Easter Sunday and it was pressed upon me again as I woke this morning. This song brings hope, it serves as a reminder and each time I hear it, or ponder it, i'm moved! Jesus is FIRM, NEVER changing no matter what life throws our way. He is the same today as he was yesterday, he's the same as before we found out about Baby Nani's condition as he is today. Circumstances don't change the love he has for us, the only thing they change I pray is the amount of Love and devotion I have towards Him! The part of the song that pulled at my heart strings was, 'No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me; from life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my (baby Nani's) destiny. I shall not fear death for me and I shall not fear baby Nani's death, from the second baby Nani breathes, till the last breath; minutes hours or days we have with her, JESUS IS IN CONTROL! The song continues on, 'No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand; till he returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand." I can not stand alone, i've tried and failed, but when I stand in Christ, I can do all things (Phil 4:13). 

Last week Will was doing training in Colorado for work (after completing a week of training in Florida the week prior).  We thought it would be a fun opportunity for us all and decided late March that Mayla and I would join him. Now i've taken MANY Colorado trips in my life, and they still rank at the top of my favorites list, the memories I have of Colorado are exciting, bring a smile to my face and even the mention of the state alone does something deep within me, i'm alive when i'm there...until this trip! Satan is trying to ruin us, and it was evident. Day one he wore us down, and day two he tried to attack our marriage. Hubby and I talked, we kissed, and we prayed, and Satan realized he lost that battle. So, he attacked Mayla on day three. The poor child threw up 14 times in 6 hours, of course all starting in the middle of the night, in a hotel. We were worn thin and exhausted! Due to an event for Will's work here in town, they needed to change his flight leaving two days earlier than Mayla and me, I felt attacked and depleted. The thought of staying in Colorado with a very unstable child, a high risk pregnancy, and flying back home alone had us changing my flight asap to join Will Thursday night! Besides being exhausted, Mayla was WONDERFUL on Wednesday. Thursday demonic Mayla came out and she was a bear from the second she opened her eyes that day. Something was off, two and a half hours before we flew out, she let us know what the problem was, all over the parking lot of Will's work, Satan was back!!! We grabbed a bucket, changed clothes twice and got in the car for the airport, and the puking continued. We boarded the plane, rounded up all the puke bags, and the puking continued, along with the turbulence, I think I looked out the window at one point and saw Satan sitting on the wing to the aircraft shaking it, I wasn't amused. Pregnant, raging, hormonal Keri was about to burst out, and all I could do was weep, the tears flowed so fast and dripped onto Mayla and the car seat, she looked up at me with the most tender eyes ever and I reached over and held her tight as I told her I loved her and then baby Nani started to kick and the tears flowed faster! I pleaded with God and begged Him for a break, I yelled at Satan and told him what I thought of him. The road we are on is rocky, bumpy and filled with holes along the way to make us stumble. Satan is working over time in our lives and the battle is real, but he WILL NOT WIN! The ultimate victor is God! Satan, you're on the losing team, no matter what all star players you think you have picked!

A great friend of mine awhile back, advocated on our behalf, and organized for our home church, Ada Bible, to do an anointing over me and prayer for baby Nani and our family! The elders, women's ministry leader and myself all agreed on a date, we spread the word. We then re-spread the word when a new date needed to be picked as my husband was going to be out of town. It was one of those moments where I didn't understand why that needed to happen, I wasn't the most happy about it needing to be changed but just surrendered as God's timing is best (no not always easy, but he DID create the beautiful world we live in, so i'm assuming he knows what he's doing). The date selected was yesterday, one day before a HUGE doctor appointment that I have been waiting for since February 13th. I smile at God's timing, as we have had to change the ultrasound appointment 3 times as well and now for the ultrasound appointment to follow what took place yesterday I stand in awe. I had a nervous excitement flowing through my body as I woke yesterday, I am not one to like being put in the center, and when people are praying over you, and laying their hands on you, there's no way around being the center of attention, but yesterday was amazing, it was once again God at work, and me stepping back looking, watching, waiting in anticipation to see what he will do and boy did he move! The prayers, the support, the love, the closeness, the bonding, the presence of Jesus sitting with Mayla and I in the chair surrounded by so many who love us was humbling and breathtaking. As they were praying for me, I was praying for them! The moment was perfect, it was the most beautiful representation of God's love in human form, the church doing what God called the believers of the church to do. I felt comforted, at peace and wrapped in God's loving warm embrace. The chair took on the feeling of God's arms, embracing me as I wept. 

Yesterday we prayed for a miracle for baby Nani, but even if the news we get today from the ultrasound is not what we are hoping for, I will by no means think less of God. 

We humbly ask you to pray with us and for us during this extremely emotional day as I have a doctor appointment with my doctor at 10:30 and then another one with maternal fetal medicine at 1:00pm. We ask you to pray for our marriage that seems to be a highlight lately for Satan to attack, and when he doesn't succeed there, going for Mayla. Please pray for the doctors wisdom today and words as they share what they find with us and lastly for perseverance for us to continue running the race God has called us to run! We pray for you as well, that God would be real to you today and meet you where you need Him most. He cares about the birds, take comfort knowing despite what you are going through, he cares about you too and even knows the number of hairs you have on your head! 

If Papi was going to work in Colorado, so was Mayla

Spending some WONDERFUL time with Colorado friends playing outside with the hose

Thankful for the hotel swimming pool to pass some time.

 Mayla and I made the most of our limited 'healthy' time, and thanks to a WONDERFUL friend who lend us her car we were able to enjoy a bit of Colorado despite the drama!

Hours after she had finished throwing up she was trekking up a mountain. 

Had a joyous time hiking with my girls!

Mayla the stud photographer (who could barely hold the camera), capturing Mommy and baby Nani

Mayla LOVING Papi's new job surrounded by boats

What's it going to be?????

We sing for joy, and we praise the Lord that he knows what's best for our family! He WILL work all things for HIS good, and everything is done according to HIS timing! We submit. Each day Baby Nani is with us is a gift worth celebrating, every picture is a celebration of the life inside of me, every place we go, we take our special gift and try to make Baby Nani a part of our every day (not too hard with Mayla close by). Some days this is really tough, it's tough to fall more and more in love, and at the same time wonder. It's hard to fight the urge to put a guard up, and reserve love, but if I reserve the love for the one growing inside me, would that make more love for the next one? Absolutely not, It would be a robbery and so I freely give of what I have with no reservations but relinquishing control. 

In the Bible we read a prayer of a guy who comes to a great conclusion. I have read and re-read this bible verse over and over the past couple weeks and find great comfort in it. 

"Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,

    and there are no grapes on the vines;

even though the olive crop fails,

    and the fields lie empty and barren;

even though the flocks die in the fields,

    and the cattle barns are empty,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord!

    I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!

The Sovereign Lord is my strength!

    He makes me as surefooted as a deer, 

    able to tread upon the heights." Habakkuk 3:17-19

18 Weeks (+)

BLUE OR PINK (REDish)

Baby NANI is a......

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!