What's in a name???

Since our first pregnancy, we've had a running list of names we think are cool. Why? Come on, who doesn't want their kid to have a cool name? We're no different!

 

When we got pregnant with Baby Nani, we naturally gravitated to, "what do we call him or her?" The search once again began and because we did not yet know the gender, we were searching for both. However, we've got a couple solid boy names so we really didn't search too hard there.

We've mentioned before that Mayla gave us the name, Nani. We have NO CLUE where she got that from, but Google tells us it means "Grace", so it must be true, and we are running with it. At the time we didn't realize it, but we need an abundance of grace with this pregnancy.

Once we were given the Baby Nani's prognosis in week 12, shortly after finding out the gender, we felt a sense of urgency to give her a name, just in case. Around the 14th or 15th week, Keri was perusing the dark, deep caverns of the world wide web and found a name that she instantly fell in love with. It is... not yet sillies!

Before we decided the name was a go, it was important to us, for some reason, to know the meaning behind the name. I've had multiple times in life where I step back and see God's hand at work and marvel at how he cares for even the smallest things, e.g. names. The name we have chosen for Baby Nani means "yielding to prayer." Well, that settled it, first name done, on to the middle name.

Baby Nani's middle name didn't really take much time, or even thought. Throughout this entire pregnancy, Mayla has had an incredible connection to Baby Nani. And since Mayla provided the womb name, which incredibly means "Grace", so it is, done!

So all that said, I give you... just kidding.

So why are we giving the name you may be asking? Good question! Normally we wouldn't give the name prior to birth because it's something special for our family to hold on to until the proper time. Well this situation is a bit different. There are already a VERY select handful of people that know Nani's name, doctors, nurses, amazing photographer, and a couple others who have asked so they can, out of the kindness of their beautiful and generous hearts, make something special for our special little girl. We decided since the prognosis is grim for Baby Nani, that we want as many to know her as possible, and part of that is her name.

We are super stoked about the coming birth of our precious little girl and we long to call her by name, fact-to-beautiful-God-given-face. We recently had a photo session with a blessed friend of ours and staged some fun photos of her name. All that said, we are excited to share the name of our little girl...

Arabella Nani Ellis

We continuously yield to him in prayer (Arabella) and pray for his grace (Nani) on us and on you as we walk this road together. We also thank you for your continued prayers, encouragement, support, and grace, and we pray that God may bless you through the story and life of Arabella, just as he has us. ~Will

Our hearts feel a little more torn....

....but our hope remains in Him! 

Psalm 42:5 

Why, my soul, are you downcast? 

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, 

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

Our sweet little baby Nani was bringing about some serious smiles today in the ultrasound room by her inability to cooperate. No matter where that little wand (transducer) was put, she was there with a fist, knee, or foot to promptly kick it away. The best was when we actually all watched it happen live on the screen, she took her fist and punched it, almost as if it was a 3d movie, we watched and chuckled. The tech was even having some good laughs! Despite the laughing I was a bit saddened as it's such a huge want of mine to have a good solid pic of her! Part of us has a secret desire that it's God' humor showing through and him not allowing us to 'properly' see little miss, to keep her a mystery till the day she is born. That's where the fine line comes into play, the line that has been there the WHOLE pregnancy. The majority of us that is craving, desiring and dreaming up a miracle, yet the other part of us that needs to prepare somehow, too, for what reality could be! After a light hearted fun ultrasound appointment watching her bounce around on the screen and hear that everything was within 'normal' ranges and celebrating that huge news, we were side swiped by reality meeting with neonatal, a social worker and the bereavement worker from spectrum. Nothing could have prepared me for that meeting!

Being pregnant and having life roll around and punch inside you at the same time you are hearing a doctor discuss starving that life if she was not going to survive is one of the HARDEST emotions to possibly describe! BROKEN! The decisions, the emotions, the thoughts and the numbness were over the top within that small room. ME? US? OUR BABY? REALLY LORD? Nothing made sense, yet I kept hearing over and over......"I am the same yesterday, today and tomorrow" -Hebrews 13:8. God was the same sitting in that meeting as he was before I walked into that meeting! "'For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jer. 29:11. If we knew before we had Mayla that her heart would need fixing, we might not have decided to get pregnant, we did have her and we are thankful! God gives us LIMITED understanding, no knowledge of the future and the ONLY thing he tells us over and over in the bible is he will take care of us! THAT is true and that's what we know!!! That hope is the hope we choose to cling to, no matter the battle that rages! 

There's one thing going on a hospital tour, there's another thing about doing a hospital tour and seeing the room your daughter has a 99% chance of dying in. Yet our hope remains in Him. 

My God is bigger than anencephaly, and he's bigger than us. In the end,we want what he wants!

two separate pics, two separate rejections!!She has her arms/hands totally crossed in front of her face.. 

she knew the paparazzi were trying to sneak in on her..and we fell more in love!!!!

What not to expect when you're expecting...

Three years ago to this day I was surrounded by loving friends, cute little presents all wrapped in sweetness and baby decorations streaming from every corner of the room, it was a baby shower for Mayla. Today I met with a funeral director. One held so many laughs, so many dreams and so much excitement. And the other; lost dreams, a sobering reality, and tears.

It was a day that I knew was coming for months now, but yet one I wanted to run from. Some times I think if I just ignore it, or don't make the phone call, everything will be ok. Our funeral guy just so happens to be my brother in law. At times it's a great connection to have (in an awkward sort of way), other times like tonight, it's the last thing you want it to be. You know that the man sitting across from you is not only discussing these plans for OUR daughter, but yet his future niece. The pain is felt on both sides of the table. His words, guidance and advice held a lot of meaning. I kept wondering if this was really happening, were we really sitting there planning for OUR daughter. I kept trying to remove myself from the situation and think it was someone else we were getting information for, but that only lasted so long before something would make it extremely real and the tears would flow. I clung to Will's arm as the nights cool breeze brushed past us, the warmth of his body felt good next to mine and I was thankful for Him in that dark moment and glad we had each other to lean on during this time.

I've been reading more and more that it's not uncommon for babies with anencephaly to make their entrance early into the world, this coupled with some different things i'm feeling lately has me in a bit of 'go mode'. I'm realizing that everything i've been thinking about and planning for the last couple months really should be crossed of the to do list, no matter how much I hate to do it and tonight was one of those things. The little itty bitty casket that we had just talked to my brother in law about, the one that would hold our daughter, needed to have an outfit go along with it, so tonight was Will and Keri funeral shopping night and it was hard! As one hand fiddled through hangers and outfits, my other hand rested on my bouncing belly. Were we really suppose to be picking out a burial outfit for the jumping, flipping, spinning, vibrant life that was inside me? It seemed impossible. Overall I was holding up ok until I came across a shirt that said, 'little sister'! The tears flowed fast, and as I pulled it off the rack I felt 1000 dreams fly away to a place they will forever stay. I held that shirt and no matter what the price tag said was going to buy it. No matter if she lives 1 day or 1 second, she will be Mayla's little sister and it was worth her having a shirt to celebrate and claim that title! What I was most thankful for tonight, that fact that we made it in and out of every store with out a single person asking me a single question or making a single comment about what was bought, that would have been too much, I was SOO thankful for that answered prayer.

When we had Mayla we always use to joke, and even wrote about it during her birth, that everything we were going through as new parents was in NO baby book. NOTHING prepared us for what we were going through with her, and likewise here we are again. We always talked about writing a book titled, "What not to expect when you are expecting"! We joked about it forever, however we are becoming experts on this subject. We just wanted to fit into a book somewhere, to feel like we were part of the 'norm'. We wanted Part 4, 'After the baby is born' to be a part that pertained to us, but it wasn't then and it won't be now. Our part 4 now is: 1. Have you contacted Hospice 2. Have you made arrangements with the funeral home 3. What will your baby be buried in? 4. What will you tell the toddler at home who is wondering how come the new baby can't come home? and 5. How will you cope?

Overall i'm still feeling pretty energized, and healthy, but just like imagined, things are getting tougher! I'm soooooo looking forward to laying my eyes on this wonderful bundle that has been flipping and flopping and punching and kicking inside me, and has become such a big part of our days, but at the same time what's hard is knowing that birth and death could come in the same day and for that reason I want to stay pregnant. Right now she is protected, thriving and growing, and from what I read, I know that as soon as labor starts, that process is going to go down hill. Labor will follow the same road that the whole pregnancy has, there will be a massive mix of emotions as that day rolls around.

This Friday we FINALLY have our long awaited ultrasound. We are beyond excited to see her, get more pictures, get an update on how she is doing and check my amniotic fluid levels. Combined with this appointment is also an appointment with the neonatal team and a bereavement counselor. It will be a jam packed afternoon filled with an array of emotions that i'm already praying over and would love your prayers for too.

I'm days away from being 33 weeks pregnant and the nursery is still empty, baby clothes from the past that I was eagerly looking forward to using again one day still sit in boxes in the basement. Baby toys and baby bottles still left for the dust to collect in them. Seven weeks to go, and the eager excitement and baby paraphernalia that usually comes with a pregnancy at this stage is non existent. And the pain is deep! I've been reading in Job lately, and that man had a LOT of pain; a LOT of loses and a lot of things that made no sense to him what so ever while he was in the midst of storm after storm after storm. Job realized he only had two choices though: (1) he could curse God and give up or (2) he could trust God and draw strength from him and continue. Despite the heartache, the battles and the storm that rages, I continue to trust God, draw my strength from Him and continue on this path! What tragedy or pain or suffering or misfortunes or loses have you encountered lately? What choice have you made, 1 or 2? My hope and prayer for every single person who reads this is that you know you DO have a choice, that's part of God's huge love plan for us and I pray you choose the 2nd option. And just like you are witnessing in our life that it doesn't necessarily mean less stresses and an easy life, but it does mean more strength as you hold on tight to the one who loves you more than you can comprehend!

We have been loving our family water time this summer

She's so in love with her sister..

Donuts, Bears and Bandaids

My mind is going a hundred miles per hour, but when I sit to write, I can only think and it seems almost impossible to formulate any type of rhythm for a proper sentence. My mind is lost in the sound of the rain drops, falling sideways hitting our house, the breeze that is blowing the curtains in such a way it's captivating, the smell that is coming through the open windows that smells like a mix between spring and autumn. Today the weather matches my feelings exactly; the rain as it hits the pavement reminds me of the tears I have shed today and how they fell so fast to the floor, covering the carpet at church, just like they are covering the ground outside. The shuffling of the fully covered trees reminds me of the shuffling baby Nani is doing inside my body, she too full of so much life as are the trees, both growing more and more, becoming fuller and fuller. And some trees seem to be struggling to hold their ground against the wind, wanting to stand up right, but being blown side to side, reminds me of how I have days (like today) where I feel I can't stand straight upwards, i'm blown about from side to side, trying to find a balance to the pulling of emotions that I'm experiencing!

Today was a day i've been looking forward to for a while, but also a day I was dreading. That seems to be the norm lately. Throughout this journey i've really been wrestling with how and what to tell Mayla in regards to baby Nani's condition. For a while it seemed like not saying anything was the route to go, and that was perfect....for a time. Then I felt God calling me it was time to tell her, however I had NO idea what that was going to look like. It was during that time I was reading a book a friend recommend to me by Angie Smith called, 'I Will Carry You'. It's an amazing book about her family's journey through infant loss and I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone in this situation or close to a situation like it! And her idea hit home HUGE with me, so I stole it completely. When something's good, it's good:) I happened to be in a hallmark store getting a gift for a friend when I turned around and saw all the cute baby gifts, my eyes scanned the shelves intently and my heart lept for joy when my eyes came across exactly what I was looking for; A big bear holding a little bear, which would represent Mayla and Baby Nani. I've had these bears for weeks now, hidden in the closet, wanting to pull them out and hold them, but also wanting them to stay in the closet and not discuss this with Mayla. I finally faced the fear and together as a family we had a very special moment together. We explained to Mayla that baby Nani has a big owie on her head, and we put bandaids on the head of the Baby Nani bear, Cars bandaids to be exact. Mayla is big into Cars, and if you know me, I'm not the fairy or princess type so by NO means was I going to adorn the Baby Nani bear in those, and FOR SURE no Hello Kitty!!! Mayla placed two on her head, and we explained that we would take the bandaids off when God healed baby Nani, confident healing will happen either in this life or when He takes her home to heaven. Then we all held the bears and prayed together! We encouraged Mayla that the Baby Nani bear would be a reminder to pray for her when we saw it. What I really liked about the Bears was, well, there were two of them. I LOVED that we could have one symbolize Mayla to try and bring it closer to her level and I LOVED how the bigger one was holding the smaller one. It was a tender moment. She lightened it up when she proceeded to want to open all the bandaids and cover her own bear and her body! I"m not sure how much she has gotten out of it, but I do know that not only is this part of Will and I's story, but it's part of hers too, and we want to make sure she is a part of it in every way, and pointing her to Christ in all we do is part of our family vision too!

We started the moment with family donuts after church, always fun!

The bears were attached together, the symbolization of having to cut baby Nani lose from our grip was hard for me, I wanted her to stay attached to our family, to keep the siblings close, but realized it was out of my control and this little action of cutting was HUGE for me. 

When I placed the Baby Nani bear in the arms of the Mayla bear, she was facing out. Mayla turned her around so she was facing her when they hugged, it warmed my heart! She's already an amazing big sister!

The winds keep coming, the rain continues to fall, the trees continue to blow, the storm continues to come in, and through it all, God is still God, God is Love. Some trees do fall in the storm, some parts of trees rip off, some roads break from the rain, the pavement can't stand up to the force, some windows break, or roofs are lost, my goal through this storm is to not break, but to lean on the one who can comfort me more than any other. My goal is to allow the storm to shake me, to move me, and to blow me about, but for me to keep my course, to run the race in front of me with perseverance and endurance! There will be injuries and pain along the way, and that's ok. Some of you may be thinking, 'How in the world can you love the one you call God, Father, for giving you this situation, a child without a fully developed skull, who is only to survive for a mere few minutes or few hours; how can you thank Him, how can you love Him more and how can you call out to Him for help when He's the one who did this?!' And I simply answer by saying becuase HE has done so much more!!!!!!! By giving us His one and only Son, having Jesus die on the cross so that WE don't have to live in a world of pain and hurt and anencephalic children forever, but can live an eternal life with no sin, no pain, no tears. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain..." Revelation 21:4 AND this is worth celebrating no matter what gets thrown at us now. God is so big and I'm glad we can't understand him, becuase if we could wrap our little minds around exactly who He is and what and why he does things, then would he really be a God worth serving? MY GOD IS HUGE!!!!!

Never did I imagine.....

You ever sit at a coffee shop and just break down, people all around you. I try to make it look like i'm crying over how wonderfully good the pastry i'm indulging in tastes, then I stick out my belly, knowing that the combination will work in my advantage and I will feel the eyes leave me!

Tomorrow marks a day I never heard about, nor knew a thing about before Friday, February 13th 2015.

The awareness ribbon has a different meaning to me, the green one touches very close to home now, something I never imagined!! I look at it now and am moved, get emotional and at times don't like that I have a close affiliation with one. Other times I feel honored that God chose Will and I to walk this road, and i'm humbled by the people we have already met along the way and look forward to the ones who path we have yet to cross, but know they are coming:)

I'm 25 weeks pregnant now, and just as I suspected, it's getting harder. Some times I try to suck it in, pretending the pregnancy is not really happening, wondering if it's possible it's all still a bad dream. Some times I am hoping the baggy sweat shirt that's been baggy for a while will still hide the bump, so I don't have to answer to strangers when they ask a single question about being pregnant. And then it happens, baby Nani rolls, flips, kicks and squirms (and i'm convinced she's already using my bladder as a trampoline) and I fall fast in love, and I take every kick, every move, every jolt as a gift, another day closer to meeting her, holding her and seeing her perfectly made through God's eyes, not by earthy eyes! I'm learning through this pregnancy to try harder to see things through God's eyes, it's one of the many lessons that Baby Nani is teaching me! 

There's been a lot happening over the last couple weeks and some days I pat myself on the back just for getting out of bed and facing the day! Other days i'm ready, eager and excited for what the day holds, I can honestly say it's been interesting. My phone has been buzzing/ringing and beeping a lot lately, and most of the time it's strangers, but phone numbers that quickly get put in my contacts list. 

I've met people in the last couple of months who I know I would have never met had we not traveled this road and i'm thankful for them! One special person just walked this road ahead of me and said goodbye to their son last night who was born sleeping, please keep them in your prayers as they travel this extremely hard road. We have supported each other over the last months, prayed for each other and I know we will continue to be friends for years to come! I'm so thankful she was brought into my life and i'm excited to know that her little Elijah is getting to know his way around Heaven and will be able to welcome baby Nani when she arrives, they've already had a play date together 10 weeks ago! 

The pregnancy overall is going wonderful! Despite being on the worlds 'rolliest' emotional roller-coaster I am full of energy; i'm still running, surfing, keeping up with Mayla and even able to function without a daily nap!!! I have yet to be plagued with the horrible pregnancy heartburn that I felt I had throughout the whole pregnancy with Mayla and on a daily basis, we laugh in our house and are filled with joy. There are a lot of things I NEVER imagined though, and those things can be extremely draining!  

I never imagined I would be sitting next to my husband on the coach on a tuesday night, looking at a Hospice of Michigan Website looking for help for our unborn child and thinking they may be coming with us into our house.

Never did I imagine that I would get a call while driving down the road and discuss what we wanted to donate from our unborn child, and what the whole process would look like weeks/months ahead of the due date.  The discussion about using part of baby Nani's cells for research after she dies, and the hope of using as many organs as possible to save another's life, all the while she's kicking happily inside me, was this call really happening?!

Never once did I imagine I would be on the receiving end of a phone call from a company called Parent to Parent, wanting to offer my phone number to another parent who has been through what we have been through and wanted to offer help in any way.

Never did I imagine being pregnant and having NO desire to pull out all the baby stuff collecting dust in the basement, that's been screaming for years to be used again, played with, washed and put back in a drawer, and never did I imagine choosing to let it sit, as that seems to cause less pain than all the empty dreams it all holds for now.

I never imagined I would be looking at infant caskets, let alone looking at infant clothing and instead of picturing the sweet little body laying peacefully and happily in my arms, looking at the outfit and picturing her laying peacefully in a casket.

and Never once did I imagine Will and I's dinner conversation would be where we would want Baby Nani buried. Trying to weight the pros and cons of right down the street from us to another cemetery further away.

Some days the decisions are exhausting, it almost seems like trying to decide what to have for dinner is a struggle, as if all my decision making abilities have been lost for the day! Some times I don't even want to think about it, and some days I do take a break, realizing that's healthy too!

A song I constantly have going through my head that speaks and moves me is Jared Anderson's "Where I am right now". This song is AMAZING!!!!!!!!
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfzcKsEG_Bw
Part of the song:
Lyrics:
Where I am right now
God, Your plan is the best
But, my heart is a mess
I'm wondering why You have me here
I'm so ready to be moving on
In my head I'm already gone
But, Your voice is crystal clear

I am called to be where I am right now
In the middle of a storm, but I have no doubt
You are here with me
You are here with me
And I won't give in or second guess
I'm trusting You with every step
Father, You are here with me
Where I am right now; where I am right now
Where I am right now
Is where I am right now; where I am right now
Where I am right now

We thank you deeply for your continued prayers, messages, emails, cards and just reaching out to let us know you are there! We are glad to journey with you, and will continue loving having you by our side as the road continues to be rough and rigid.

I received a gift today, more than one....

Me and my sister rolled in our driveway at 12:05am this morning, I saw my husband in the window and was ELATED he was still awake, and elated I was finally home. We had only been gone since Thursday, but for some reason, the Zija convention trip to Kentucky/Ohio seemed like I was gone for weeks (and maybe that's because i've pretty much been on the move and bags packed since beginning of April).  A hot shower and my bed, tucked in my hubby's arms sounded heavenly! In between potty trips, the sleep was wonderful, but I woke up feeling exhausted and pumped about going to church to sit with God's people and worship. Little did I know Satan was already lurking in our house, waiting...

Since our valve went bad in our hot water heater and we had a flooding in the basement back in February, there has been a serious amount of sediment coming through the pipes clogging our faucets. Once a week/every two weeks we would have to take off the trap and clean it out, well in the last week or so this started to become a daily project for Will around our house, if not twice a day. We heard from a plumber that if we emptied hot water from the heater over the course of days, it should resolve the problem, so today was the day to start the process. It didn't go well and left us with NO hot water flowing through the pipes (most likely clogged along the way) and for a short period of time, no cold water even. I tried to go about my morning as if it didn't matter keeping in mind that I wanted to make it out the door to church, however; no water, breakfast needed for 3 people, and getting ready for church it was hard not to notice! Did I mention Will would be working all day and needed to be to work by 9:30, the poor guy was scrambling around as much as I was. Our peaceful, wonderful, family breakfast and sunday morning hang out time that I had been dreaming about since Thursday was shattering right in front of me. His lips barely brushed past mine as he sprinted out the door and I felt deflated. Staying in my comfy baggy shorts and sweat shirt sounded heavenly and looking at Mayla in her fleece jammies, I knew she would agree, but I felt the urge to go to Church and knew Satan wanted me to stay home, so that made me want to go even more. 

I tried to ignore the clock as I rolled in to the car filled parking lot, forced to park a lot further out than normal was a sign WE WERE LATE! I told Mayla we needed to RUN and tried to make it sound all exciting so she would easily join in, she did the opposite; stood like a statue next to the car with her arms up in utter defeat as if her legs were frozen to the ground. I swept in, picked her up and we ran in the building. I felt pretty excited that they had not yet locked the sunday school rooms and was hopeful Mayla would make it in. I even swung her over the baby gate, and put her feet on the floor. Just as she was taking off, they gave me the news I was hoping NOT to hear, 'we are full, we can't take her!' You ever show up late to an event in a busy city, pull up to a parking garage and see the 'FULL' sign out front, causing you to have to make a quick alternative plan, and not too happy, that was me. I grabbed Mayla back, tears streaming down my face and headed for safety in the bathroom until I could pull myself together. In utter defeat and instant exhaustion I thought about my comfy shorts and sweat shirt waiting for me at home and thought we would just sneak out and head home to chill, praying no one I knew saw me along the way. As I was walking out, Mayla following a few steps behind me wondering in her toddler mind what was happening and why that was the shortest sunday school experience she had ever had; I wiped my tears, stepping on Satan as I walked, and by the grace of God,  I headed for the 'crying room' where they provide a live streaming of the service.  I sat, and snuggled in to my confused toddler and sang as tears streamed down my face. I knew that I may not get much from church, but I WAS NOT going to allow Satan to win and wanted Mayla to see that some times in life adjustments need to be made. I sat, and prayed and thanked God he gave me the strength to stay. 

Mayla was starting to get rambunctious, focusing was hard, and as I was playing back in my mind the morning craziness the door to the sanctuary opened and in walked my gift from God! A lady from Church who I have been emailing for 2.5 months in hopes of one day meeting was standing there in front of me. From becoming facebook friends and blog 'stalkers' of one another, we recognized each other and embraced. I quickly shared how we ended up in the 'crying room' (what I thought was called crying room for the babies but just so happened today it was for the mommies too). She left us after a brief moment to use the ladies room and when she came back in she had brought 2 cookies, water and on a napkin had wrote the most beautiful note. 

I sat in awe of God as cookie crumbles fell from Mayla's mouth onto my lap, and tears streamed down my face! I made the decision Mayla could have both cookies so I could sit and ponder God longer, and realized if I would have disobeyed, and stayed home like every part of me was telling me to do, or left the church when there was no room for her, like every part of me was telling me to do, I would have missed the gift that God had waiting for me. God's gift came with a price, and it came with hurt and tears, but it came. In what ways are you disobeying and possibly missing the gift God wants to share with you? 

Entertaining Mayla became harder and harder during the service and when she was finally content for a few moments, removing EVERY single crayon from the box putting them all over the floor, I allowed her to. This move of hers came with the consequence that she had to pick up every single one when we were done, a task for a toddler that takes a LONG time. Well because of that, I was able to see my new friend again, and once again she demonstrated Jesus' love and invited me to lunch with her family. My first thought was no, I didn't want to be a burden, but then I eagerly accepted her invitation. I felt wrapped in Jesus' arms and praised Him for the trials of the morning. 

God touched me today, and God used her to a level I don't think she will ever know! She was a real live gift from God, sent to church today for God's use for me, and I humbly say THANK YOU!!!! Her message she poured one me, was the exact same message Pastor Jeff poured onto the people of Ada today. Are we here to only to serve ourselves, or will we take the stand and realize we have something to offer the people around us, and serve others the way God wants us to! 

Big ultrasound news.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

We are more in love than this morning. Baby Nani was one active, adorable, sweet little one pound 3 ounce thang and we are thankful!!! She's in the 75 percentile for height and 47 percentile for weight, I had NO idea that growth charts started in-utero, but we now have the start to our special girls baby book collection!

The atmosphere in the dim lit examining room was lighthearted. Will and I both sat (well I laid) in great anticipation of the news, but unfortunately it was just silence which lead me to start talking. I informed the rad tech that I was interested in knowing as much as she was able to share as she was looking around; She gladly started communicating! The very first image that popped up on the screen was the stomach, and to me something looked wrong, and I was afraid my worst fear for the day would be coming true. When I walked in that office today, it was not the fear of seeing or hearing our baby still had anencephaly, but that our baby had more complications or problems than they had originally seen, that's what consumed me most! She looked, and looked and measured, and captured, and looked some more and snapped more photos, all while saying nothing looked abnormal. However I didn't want to assume anything so just kept praying!

After almost an hour, the lady was done getting the images she needed and asked us if there were any photos in particular we wanted, I told her I really wanted a profile picture. When I walked in, that was the ONLY thing I wanted to walk out with, a full picture of our girl that we could frame! However, In the words of the rad tech, 'she is not cooperating today'. What's funny to us about this saying is that we heard it EVERY ultra sound with Mayla, and here we were again, it made us both chuckle! She tried and tried and tried, but Baby Nani was a moving and a shaking and no picture was possible. So she moved on to try and get a 3D pic, we NEVER got one for Mayla, becuase she NEVER cooperated so I thought this would be a great memory to have of baby Nani. I also was VERY interested in seeing a 3D image so I could see the severity of the anencephaly, did it start just above her eye sockets, or did she at least have a forehead. Can you believe Baby Nani's hands/arms where in the way every time she tried? She could never get a clear view and the 3D images where not turning out so stellar. She finally gave up on the face and went for the legs, those were even a struggle and once she captured them you could tell she was not too impressed with her results.

We ended on a positive note as she had nothing new to report in her findings, I felt relieved and excited. I can handle the anencephaly, I have come to accept that, what would have been hard is hearing that on top of anencephaly the baby has a hole in the heart or missing body parts or some other aliment which is normally paired with anencephaly. I felt blessed and was grateful for the news we were receiving and clung to the hope that we still have 15-18 weeks for God to perform a miracle if that's HIS plan!

We then went and met with a doctor who just so happened to walk in right when I had tears streaming down my face. Will and I were in the middle of a deep Jesus talk and I had hopped aboard the emotional roller coaster. She was sweet, comforting and a wonderfully caring person to be around! She too communicated how hard it is to prepare to say hello and goodbye in the same breathe. She listened as we talked and she had compassion in her eyes! We asked her about organ donation and how we could set something up ahead of time so it would be one less thing to worry about later on. She had no idea but tried to connect us with two people who she thought should know! She asked questions we had not thought about, which left me feeling like bricks were being stacked upon my shoulders. 'Have you thought about the possibility of bringing this baby home with you?' Have you thought about perinatal hospice being around when you bring your child home to help out?' Do you want a doula, not so much for birth assistance but someone to help control friends and family after birth and help communicate with others to give you and Will some breathing room?' I told her honestly, I think about the day I'm in, and up until now i've been in emergency mode wondering when I will be rushing to the hospital having miscarried. Today was the first time I thought I might actually need to pack a hospital bag and deliver this child. I was overwhelmed, what is God going to do?! We talked about natural birth over c-section, being paired with another mentoring family that has traveled this road before us, and even discussed the possibility of us being a mentor couple to another family going through what Mayla went through. Have I mentioned I just want to go to sleep and it's 6:30pm?!

Dr. Jean said our baby was beautiful, and besides the skull, she was perfect. She reported that every thing they checked came back normal, something else that elated me. They want to see me back in 10 weeks. At that time they will be monitoring the amniotic fluid. Anencephalic babies have a tendency to not drink enough amniotic fluid which leaves me 'filled to the brim'. It's only a problem if it interrupts my breathing and then they have to empty some out. OH JOY!!! Praying that does not happen.

Are we disappointed by today's results? Absolutely not. God still has 15-18 weeks to work, and we will surrender to whatever that looks like. We will continue to be used by Him in whatever capacity He chooses.

meet our squirming little baby Nani.