My mind is going a hundred miles per hour, but when I sit to write, I can only think and it seems almost impossible to formulate any type of rhythm for a proper sentence. My mind is lost in the sound of the rain drops, falling sideways hitting our house, the breeze that is blowing the curtains in such a way it's captivating, the smell that is coming through the open windows that smells like a mix between spring and autumn. Today the weather matches my feelings exactly; the rain as it hits the pavement reminds me of the tears I have shed today and how they fell so fast to the floor, covering the carpet at church, just like they are covering the ground outside. The shuffling of the fully covered trees reminds me of the shuffling baby Nani is doing inside my body, she too full of so much life as are the trees, both growing more and more, becoming fuller and fuller. And some trees seem to be struggling to hold their ground against the wind, wanting to stand up right, but being blown side to side, reminds me of how I have days (like today) where I feel I can't stand straight upwards, i'm blown about from side to side, trying to find a balance to the pulling of emotions that I'm experiencing!
Today was a day i've been looking forward to for a while, but also a day I was dreading. That seems to be the norm lately. Throughout this journey i've really been wrestling with how and what to tell Mayla in regards to baby Nani's condition. For a while it seemed like not saying anything was the route to go, and that was perfect....for a time. Then I felt God calling me it was time to tell her, however I had NO idea what that was going to look like. It was during that time I was reading a book a friend recommend to me by Angie Smith called, 'I Will Carry You'. It's an amazing book about her family's journey through infant loss and I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone in this situation or close to a situation like it! And her idea hit home HUGE with me, so I stole it completely. When something's good, it's good:) I happened to be in a hallmark store getting a gift for a friend when I turned around and saw all the cute baby gifts, my eyes scanned the shelves intently and my heart lept for joy when my eyes came across exactly what I was looking for; A big bear holding a little bear, which would represent Mayla and Baby Nani. I've had these bears for weeks now, hidden in the closet, wanting to pull them out and hold them, but also wanting them to stay in the closet and not discuss this with Mayla. I finally faced the fear and together as a family we had a very special moment together. We explained to Mayla that baby Nani has a big owie on her head, and we put bandaids on the head of the Baby Nani bear, Cars bandaids to be exact. Mayla is big into Cars, and if you know me, I'm not the fairy or princess type so by NO means was I going to adorn the Baby Nani bear in those, and FOR SURE no Hello Kitty!!! Mayla placed two on her head, and we explained that we would take the bandaids off when God healed baby Nani, confident healing will happen either in this life or when He takes her home to heaven. Then we all held the bears and prayed together! We encouraged Mayla that the Baby Nani bear would be a reminder to pray for her when we saw it. What I really liked about the Bears was, well, there were two of them. I LOVED that we could have one symbolize Mayla to try and bring it closer to her level and I LOVED how the bigger one was holding the smaller one. It was a tender moment. She lightened it up when she proceeded to want to open all the bandaids and cover her own bear and her body! I"m not sure how much she has gotten out of it, but I do know that not only is this part of Will and I's story, but it's part of hers too, and we want to make sure she is a part of it in every way, and pointing her to Christ in all we do is part of our family vision too!
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| We started the moment with family donuts after church, always fun! |
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| The bears were attached together, the symbolization of having to cut baby Nani lose from our grip was hard for me, I wanted her to stay attached to our family, to keep the siblings close, but realized it was out of my control and this little action of cutting was HUGE for me. |
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| When I placed the Baby Nani bear in the arms of the Mayla bear, she was facing out. Mayla turned her around so she was facing her when they hugged, it warmed my heart! She's already an amazing big sister! |
The winds keep coming, the rain continues to fall, the trees continue to blow, the storm continues to come in, and through it all, God is still God, God is Love. Some trees do fall in the storm, some parts of trees rip off, some roads break from the rain, the pavement can't stand up to the force, some windows break, or roofs are lost, my goal through this storm is to not break, but to lean on the one who can comfort me more than any other. My goal is to allow the storm to shake me, to move me, and to blow me about, but for me to keep my course, to run the race in front of me with perseverance and endurance! There will be injuries and pain along the way, and that's ok. Some of you may be thinking, 'How in the world can you love the one you call God, Father, for giving you this situation, a child without a fully developed skull, who is only to survive for a mere few minutes or few hours; how can you thank Him, how can you love Him more and how can you call out to Him for help when He's the one who did this?!' And I simply answer by saying becuase HE has done so much more!!!!!!! By giving us His one and only Son, having Jesus die on the cross so that WE don't have to live in a world of pain and hurt and anencephalic children forever, but can live an eternal life with no sin, no pain, no tears. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain..." Revelation 21:4 AND this is worth celebrating no matter what gets thrown at us now. God is so big and I'm glad we can't understand him, becuase if we could wrap our little minds around exactly who He is and what and why he does things, then would he really be a God worth serving? MY GOD IS HUGE!!!!!
