Where we go from here.

Our earthquake has hit, we see the pieces all around us, feel the brokenness, sense the devastation, where do we go from here?!

We are in this super awkward part of life.  What's the right balance? What's it suppose to feel like? What does day to day life look like? How do we act? To simply answer those, we just go with it! If we are laughing, we laugh. If we are crying, we hold each other. If we are doing silly little tasks just to keep our mind busy, we just go with it! If we feel like sitting and cuddling for an hour, we do it! We literally just go with it! Bubble baths seem to work for the girls....when in doubt, add bubbles and just go with it:)

My emotions are all over the board, I suspect that's normal,  but i'm new at this:) I go from wanting to run into the Baby Room (known more now as the toy room), and grab her blanket and just bask in it, cuddle into it, hold it, inhale it, surround myself in it and walk around the whole house with it draped over my shoulders. Then the next day, I don't want to see it, touch it, smell it, the pain is too deep and I feel as if I will cave....then I feel guilty. The cycles, the rollercoaster, I knew they would all be present, but oh how long...my thought is, forever!

Someone asked me the other day, 'Are you....surviving?'! And without hesitation, I answered with an adamant YES! We are surviving, but I will also add, I feel like we are thriving! We are enjoying life, we are grateful, we are full of life, we are brushing our teeth and eating well (thanks to the outpouring of amazing meals and gift cards and grocery shoppers or that one might be questionable). We are doing all this while mourning. We have realized that mourning and celebrating are two words that, when walking with Jesus, are two words that can be in the same sentence. We love our daughter Arabella, we miss her like crazy, I pretty much think about her every minute of every day, I would LOVE to have her physically present in this house waking me up at all hours of the night and being completely, emotionally, physically and mentally drained from a newborn, not her buried a few feet below the ground, but she's not here, and that's ok! We submit and we rejoice! If you have a newborn home, or if you are about to have a newborn home, celebrate the dirty diapers, celebrate the lack of sleep, celebrate the lack of showers, celebrate the dirty house because you have been given life, celebrate EVERYTHING!

Today I saw a pregnant lady, it's like an epidemic here in Grand Rapids I swear, so if you come visit, BEWARE! It was the first time my feelings/thoughts ran rampant inside of me seeing one of those kind of people:) It was awkward for me, and I actually even wanted to go up and talk with her, doubly awkward for me to experience that feeling as well! I wanted to know if her pregnancy was 'normal'?  Was she happy? Did she enjoy what she was experiencing or only complain? Does she know how much of a miracle that life inside her is, every pregnancy is a miracle, did she know that? When that baby came out and cried would she complain? I would give anything to have a whole day of a colicy Arabella? Even another couple hours! Pregnant lady in the parking lot, love your baby and have no regrets!' Love that little boy or girl for me and hug that precious little bundle lots!  "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Lately the biggest decision i've been working on making is how many towels to pack, and which reading material do I want to bring along with me? And do I really think I will have time to read? Will, Mayla and I are getting away. My Aunt and Uncle are lovingly opening their home to us, a home which is called 'Rediscovery' (how perfect is that)! It's up in Northern Michigan on one of our favorite lakes, Lake Leelanau! PURE MICHIGAN BEAUTY! It's one of our happy places! We have NO words to describe the excitement over this get away for us! Our phones are usually left some place, and the dock, the water, and our boat consume most of our touch! We are looking forward to the healing, the family time, the memories we will make and the joy we will share together enjoying God's creation!

We still have SOOOO much to share though, and I'm currently working on, slowly working on I should say, Arabella's 45 hours with us, her story through her mother's eyes! I honestly can not WAIT to publish that one for you! I sit here and smile now thinking back to what she gave us! Thank you for all your support, prayers, text, love, meals, cards, gift cards, visits, etc! We honestly will NEVER be able to find the words or actions to let you know how much you all mean to us! We will continue to try though and pray that God some how lets you in on our thankfulness!!!!!!

A lot of you have expressed that you aren't sure what to say, or don't want to say anything to us in case it's the wrong thing, that's ok. In fact, tell us that because it opens the door for us to talk about it. Honestly if I were in your situation and the roles were reversed, I would probably be one of those people that RAN when I saw you coming in fear I would say something stupid and make you cry! So we have attempted to offer some of our thoughts for you!

Will and Keri's list of helpful hints/tips!
~Even though we had little time with Arabella, the parental attachment is still strong.
~We may feel or think in a way that seems strange to you, give us time to grieve (this is different for everyone), and accept us for who we are, parents.
~Talk about Arabella, ask us to talk about her, be yourself! She is our daughter, we love her just like you love your kids, and we love to talk about her! By us talking about our pain, you are helping us come to grips with it, let us know you are there and you care! Hug us:)
~Be prepared for us to cry (more Keri than Will), that's ok if we do, you haven't done ANYTHING WRONG!! If you do or don't cry, we don't judge or think any less of you or more of you!
~Do say: I'm Sorry, I'm here. I want to listen. This must be hard for you. Tell me about her. Tell me about your labor/delivery. How much did she weigh, how tall was she.
~Don't say: You're young, you can have others. You have an angel in heaven (while that's great, we really don't want an angel in heaven, we want our Arabella). This happened for the best. Better for this to happen now before you knew the baby. There was something wrong with the baby anyways. Don't be sad, don't cry. If you need anything, call me (bereaved parents seldom reach out. State a specific time you'll check in with the person, then do so).
~Call Arabella by name (even if you don't know how to pronounce it:) It tells us that you acknowledge her and you are helping us identify her as a person.
~Give grace. Grief doesn't end at the heaven party. We will go on with our lives, but we will never be the same. We will develop a new sense of 'normal'.
~You are important to us during this journey, now and in the months to come! It's never too late to express your feelings with us!

The day we buried Arabella, we all matched in orange! I'm going with two things, we are sisters and have a WAY crazy connection, and two, I think it would have been Arabella's favorite color:) 

Smoothie Dinner....remember we just go with it some times! 

This big sister thought she was pretty hot stuff slurping her dinner up through her straw...we relished the moment together!

AND one pic that is becoming an all time fav of mine...I could NOT resist:) See, proud parents here!!!!!!! I picture her cradled in Jesus arms just like this!

It is finished...

Shout to the Lord; all the earth; break out in praise and sing for joy!!!!! Psalm 98:4

We thought when we lost her last friday that it was the hardest day of our life, then we thought the heaven party was one of the hardest days of our life, we are now claiming today to have been one of the hardest days, the day we buried her; yet so beautiful and so peaceful all at once! Oh to lay a child into the ground, not the way the cycle is supposed to work. We wanted one more look, one more glance, one more touch, one more kiss to those sweet cheeks, one more smell. Honestly I wanted to put her in our car and drive around. I wanted to keep her from going into the ground, the ground finalized it is finished. I wanted to scream out, I WANTED MORE! I WANT MORE! GOD OH GOD!!!!!!!!! Will and I prayed, "God be near, GOD let us know you are here, WE NEED YOU! We can't move an inch without you GOD! If you're going to do this, hold us now, walk beside us. Weeping at her graveside I surrendered....again! Surrendered my every move, my every thought, my every tear, my every fear. GOD BE NEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TODAY SUCKED! No parent should EVER have to do what we did, if you have walked this road, we are SORRY! This sucks because like what Pastor Kevin said today, we were NOT created for this. It's awkward, doesn't feel good, and it's uncomfortable. And it DOES SUCK! When God created us, he did not intend for us to suffer, but Man sinned, and so suffering entered into this world. God didn't leave us without help though. He sent his Son to die for us, His ONE and only son, so that WE can be free, live eternally, with NO PAIN! He also gave us His holy word, the Bible, what a gift!!! "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed". Psalm 34:18. GOD BE NEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeing Will carry his daughter's casket (aka Pack n Play as Mayla calls it), destroyed every

fiber of mine. I wanted to see him carrying HER, not her casket, he has been called to be a father, and here he was carrying his precious daughter to her gravesite. GOD BE NEAR!!!!!!! 

The casket lay on a table, loved ones around, markers available for the cousins to decorate and write notes on, and beautiful words flowed from the mouths of the ones who shared! We built each other up, we thanked each other, and we praised one another for being what God wanted them to be! We glorified God!! Kristen said in her speech last night that we were 'difference
makers'. I believe all of you, the readers, the supporters, the prayer warriors, the blog sharers, the ones talking to others are included in that...YOU my friends are difference makers too, and we truly THANK YOU for helping Arabella's ripple effect continue! We want to hug you all!!! As much as this road has sucked, we have seen and felt the church coming together,

AMAZING to experience this; the church of Christ acting the way a church is suppose to act. If you have been hurt by the church in some way shape or form, I’m extremely sorry, it can happen and it breaks my heart, know that the way we have seen our church body rally around us (twice now, once for Mayla and now for this), that’s what a church body is all about!!!! GOD CARES, and it feels incredible!!! GOD BE NEAR!!!!!!

As I type this I want to run back to the cemetery, it's right down the street, literally, 1/3 of mile, .5km away. I want to lay by her, the dirt is still soft, the earth lightly thrown over her. She's so close, but yet for a new mommy, she's not close enough!!! GOD BE NEAR!!!!!!

Today through the tears we celebrated too, remember, celebrate EVERYTHING! Arabella Nani Ellis is healed, pain free, complete, dancing, no more anencephaly.

This was reason to celebrate and reason to remove Baby Nani Bear's bandaids that were put on months and months ago.  We used this bear as a way to try and explain to Mayla months ago about Baby Nani's diagnosis of Anencephaly. We told her at that time that God would heal Arabella one of two ways, either by performing a miracle of complete healing when she was born, or taking her home to heaven, and at that time we would remove the bandaids. Well, surprisingly the toddler who played with this bear, and slept with this bear left the bandaids on the whole time, but today we were gifted the chance to remove them! PRAISE BE TO GOD, Arabella is whole!!!! GOD BE NEAR!!!!!!

It was a moving experience. We talked, we shared, we prayed, we cried, we laughed, we joked. We ran the spectrum of emotions today. All of it, of course, culminating with Will laying Arabella's casket in the grave, and filling dirt on top. Will will (haha, I chuckle everytime I hear or say that) tell you that this was the hardest and worst thing he's ever had to do. He lay Arabella in the grave, visualizing her beautiful face as he lay the casket in. He broke down in that moment because this was the end, as if the end hadn't already come, but there is a different finality to it now. It was shared that a Jewish tradition is to, initially anyway, shovel dirt into the gravesite with the back of the shovel because it symbolized the difficulty and hesitation in the act. Will was the first to grab the shovel and experienced both of those feelings, the challenge and hesitation, again the toughest thing he's had to do. We remained by the grave as it was filled in and simply cried, the three of us wrapped in each others arms, all of us weeping. It is finished. GOD BE NEAR!!!!!!!!

We ended our time with lunch at our house with immediate family. It was a joyous time; kids playing in the house and the yard, laughing, screaming, running, having fun, celebrating life, family, togetherness. Adults told stories, shared their hearts, cried, laughed; celebrated everything! Arabella had a major impact on our family, and maybe you and yours too. She has been used to touch and bless more people in 9 months and 45 hours, than most of us will in a lifetime. She leaves an amazing legacy and we are honored that we were chosen to carry her through this time. We are thankful that we have a Heavenly Father who carried us through this time. GOD BE NEAR!!!!!!!!!!

What the coming days, weeks, and months look like we do not know. We do know Arabella's imprint is forever etched in our hearts, in our minds, in our family, and we will never forget her. She will hold a special place in all of our hearts until we meet her again. And that's the beauty of this story, while it is finished, from an earthly perspective, this isn't the end. It feels like it sometimes, it might even look like it. But we know there is more. We know we will be reunited. We know that we will hug her, kiss her, love on her, and do eternal life with her, God promises this to us. So while it is the end of her time here, her spirit remains, her legacy remains, and we look forward, with hopeful anticipation, to the time that we do life with her again. TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!!!!!

Arguably the most beautiful and joyous looking casket to be laid in the ground.

GOD BE NEAR!!!!

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Rev 21:4

GOD BE NEAR

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

GOD BE NEAR

"But in my distress I cried out to the LORD; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears." Psalm 18:6

GOD BE NEAR!!

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, yes, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Empty arms but full hearts.

Squeals of laughter are radiating down the hallway from our bedroom, pure joy is flowing from our pores, GOD IS GOOD! Now in the background praise and worship music can be heard as we all sit around listening to some sweet sweet words together! Your prayers are felt! GOD IS GOOD! We Celebrate!

Our days flow, Mayla is a gift that we always treasured, but find ourselves treasuring even more. Every sprint to the potty, every giggle, every whine, every hug, every thing she utters from her mouth is a gift! She has said Arabella's name 1000 times over the course of the last couple days, she is her big sister, she knows it, she's proud of it, and she gets it! GOD IS GOOD! We Celebrate! You can tell she's picking up on the differences of life when around 10:00 am today, she looks up from the ipad (yes, there's a chance she has gone past her max playing/viewing time, but that's just ok, God told me it was:) and with extreme confusion and excitement she exclaims 'I still in jammies Papi'!! GOD IS GOOD! We Celebrate!

We got Mayla back Sunday night around 5:30, we were nervous, we were excited. She went right to my belly and started "talking to Baby Nani'. I was motionless, I wanted her in my stomach so bad to allow those dreams to continue, but I had to face the truth, I just wasn't sure how to do it. We wanted to find the fine balance to protecting Mayla, being honest with Mayla and allowing God to work through us. This needed lots of prayer. We had to go shopping for a blanket for Arabella and some premie clothes, we thought it would be special to include Mayla. We kept dropping little hints in our 25 minute car ride, and while walking up and down the baby aisles that held so many fulfilled dreams for other families, but not ours, we were burial shopping.  Mayla kept picking out all different shoes for her and Arabella, it broke my heart to have her put them back on the shelf, explaining that Arabella won't need those, Jesus was making sure she was perfectly clothed. I did almost cave in, just to allow her the freedom to pick them out and put them all in the casket, but I knew that was just the desperation in me thinking, and it wouldn't help anything! Our goal walking in was a white blanket with a lamb on it, too much to ask....NOT for God!! Almost to the end of our search we came across a white blanket made by the company Lambs and Ivy that had a wood lamb attached to it. DONE AND DONE! GOD IS GOOD, We Celebrate!!!

We were asked when we walked into our first store, what we were looking for, I said, 'preemie clothes' thinking that would make our search quicker...the lady asked if we had a premiee...I wanted to run, yet stayed and said, 'yes, but she's in heaven now and we needed to complete her burial outfit.' She then looked like she wanted to run as tears streamed down my cheeks. My new life, GOD IS GOOD, We Celebrate!!

We took Mayla out to dinner and tried as best as possible to explain in toddler terms that her sister won't be coming home. Mayla processed it well at first, then halfway through dinner she says, 'me want to go to heaven and see her' and then she just lost it and caved into Will's arms.
There we sat in Moes, all heart broken and longing for the same thing, our hearts hurting but praising Jesus we were all going to go through this together. GOD IS GOOD, We Celebrate. 

We got to go to the funeral home last night and spent an amazing 2.5 hours with our sweet Arabella. We had been praying for that moment and God was there. It truly was a celebration, memories were still being made together, with her and for each of us. Mayla was so excited to go see her little sister, but when we walked in the funeral home she buried her head into Will's shoulder and wanted to sprint back out that door. We thought we would at least try and see what happened. As soon as she laid her eyes on Arabella she was captivated and her fear was gone. GOD IS GOOD, We Celebrate!! 

We are hours away from attending our daughters funeral, otherwise known as a Heaven Party at our house as it just sounds so much better and exciting when talking to a toddler about it. It will be a celebration and we are so looking forward to this time with family and friends. We continue to submit and surrender everything to God. We are in absolute awe of the support/love/encouragement we have received. I would love to hug you all individually and tell you how much your love has meant. We will forever be grateful and never have enough words! GOD IS GOOD, We celebrate!!!!! 

Funeral Information for tonight at 7pm. Everyone welcome:)
http://www.lifestorynet.com/obituaries/arabella-ellis.108625

We did 3D impressions at the hospital, however on accident the feet got thrown away (we submit), our hospice frirnd KINDLY came to the funeral home to help get more! What a blessing, we celebrate:) 

It was so fun!!!!!

We LOVE our family photos!

WE CHOOSE JOY!

Big Sis and Lil Sis, matching bracelets. 

Sister Love...FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

Oh how we miss her.

Her perfect lips, her perfect tongue, her perfect smile, her perfect nose, her perfect strength, she was beyond a doubt fearfully and wonderfully made. She was perfection. My arms long for her, my heart aches for her. Will and I continue to comment, 'oh to have had one more hour'. Truth is no matter what we were given it would never have been long enough, so we celebrate and rejoice over the time we did have! Oh how we miss her though!

I've thought about writing 'the next blog' after she passes 1000 times by now, I've played the words over and over in my mind, taken notes and have reminded myself of all that I want to try and say, truth is, right now I feel like I don't have anything. My womb is empty and so are my arms. The nursery is only laden with clothes of hers I need to return, empty dreams, and longings that won't be fulfilled. We have blankets of hers stuffed in bags to try and preserve the smell of her, every so often I walk by, separate the opening, pry my nose in and inhale, the smell of her is perfection. It reminds me of when I would lay my face on her stomach, tears streaming down my cheeks onto her chest and just smell. Part of me wants to put it all away into hiding and pretend I'm still pregnant with her, so the dreams can continue on. Oh how we miss her.

We do have memories though, we have pictures, we have images, we have footprints on LOTS of things, and when I say lots, I mean LOTS,
my sisters and sister in law were a HUGE HUGE help and thought of things to do that never crossed my mind, the thankfulness I have for them taking the initiative and making the keepsakes they did I will NEVER be able to express in my life time. Oh how we miss her.

There are soooo many things I want to share, I honestly wish that every single person reading this could have come to the hospital to lay your eyes and hands on her. Our 'incompatible with life' child thrived. She was the first anencephalic baby our doctor delivered, the first anencephalic baby ANY of the nurses (over 9) working with me had seen make it, the first anecephalic baby any of the NICU doctors that worked with us had seen alive. The list goes on. According to one nurse, word of her was going around the hospital! We stand in awe! I remember back to when doctors were asking me if I was planning on terminating the pregnancy, being asked more than once even. SERIOUSLY?? 45 hours in the scheme of life isn't long, but she changed our lives for ever and many others too. Every baby deserves a chance and we praise God for the conviction we have and for giving our Arabella the chance to shine for Jesus. I remember one doctor we met with before she was born suggested we don't even feed her, "it could be worse for her" he stated and "just not worth it". Does he know she drank from a bottle? Does he know she breastfed? Does he know she was eating every 3-4 hours? Does he know how big our God is that we serve? "Incompatible with life" and she figured out what the diaper she was wearing was intended for, what her mouth and tongue were used for and how to make heads spin, people smile, cry and laugh all at once! She was captivating and full of life! Oh how we miss her.

We came home from the hospital friday night, I had only slept 6 hours since Monday night and the only way I was still functioning was from the prayers and support of so many. If you think just by praying you aren't doing anything, I'm here to tell you otherwise. Will and I are walking around, smiling, laughing, joking, and of course crying, but it's because of you, your prayers and the grace of God! You all will never know what you mean to us!!! Thank you for every text, every message, every facebook comment, every card; even though we might not have responded, we have seen, read and feel your love, thank you for your grace!

The minutes and hours since arriving home have been a blur. We have been working on funeral planning, and just trying to figure out how to go from one minute to the next! Our sweet little Arabella is constantly on our minds. After church last night, we tried to go shopping to finish her burial outfit, however seems to be there is a bit too much Dutch in the area and not such a need for preemie clothing, so that hunt will continue tonight. We exhaustedly fell into a booth at Olive Garden to try and replenish our systems, Will and I just sat. I think we exchanged about 3 minutes worth in conversation, most of it having to deal with the food we were eating. Both of us just lost in space, in planning, in coping, in survival mode. Oh how we miss her.

I still have a billion things to share, from how God was in every second of her delivery to the last dance Will and I had with her to how she lifted her arms to Jesus when he came to take her home and all the wonderfulness in between! I wish we were videoing the whole time, as some things just needed to be witnessed. God is Good, we celebrate life, we choose Joy!!!!!!!!

Funeral arrangements have been made (still struggling with the thought that we are planning our daughters funeral). Information and time can be found here: http://www.lifestorynet.com/obituaries/arabella-ellis.108625
EVERYONE is welcome to join us for this celebration!

THANK YOU JESUS for giving us Arabella, Thank you Jesus for her life, Thank you Jesus for 9 months, plus extra credit of 45 hours! Thank you Jesus that you are with us in this storm! Thank you Jesus that you will NEVER leave us nor abandon us! Thank you Jesus. Through the pain, through the hurt, through the tears, we surrender and we submit!

Mayla realizing that this celebration has already started!

In Switzerland, they gave us celebration cake when Mayla was born, I knew we would be on our own here in America, so I packed some swiss chocolate to celebrate with!

We couldn't pray over her enough!

"Let the little children come to me..."

Come and see what our God has done, what awesome miracles he performs for people! Let the whole world bless our God and loudly sing his praises. Come and listen, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what he did for me. Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw his unfailing love from me. Psalm 66:various

Today, at ~11:20 a.m. (but we are calling 22 so she gets full credit for 45 hours), the Father healed Arabella. At that time, all of heaven rejoiced the completion of the work Arabella was called to. Her time on earth may have been short, as was she, but her impact was incredibly profound.

I've spent the last hour trying to find amazing words to tell a beautiful story of her passing, and while I'm sure at some point I'll be able to, that will have to wait for another blog because right now I can only say it was beautiful and exactly what God planned, and those present needed.

He is good. He is faithful. He is love. He makes all things new.

Miraculous, Mysterious, Magnificent, Celebrate Everything...

It's hard to imagine any five words being more influenced by the events of any day than miraculous, mysterious, magnificent, and celebrate everything.

Today may be the most unforgettable day our family has ever experienced. It's a day that began with:

1. A rotation of family members holding Arabella through the night to make sure everything was well. 
2. Perfect strangers delivering hot chocolate to Keri and I as a way to start our morning. 
3. Beautiful friends delivering breakfast from Qdoba, before running off to their own doctor appointment for their baby-to-come.
4. Day dreaming and chuckling about all the things Papi was going to do with Arabella when we got her home because we had to do as much as we can before we lose her, e.g. boating, skiing, go-karts, roller coasters, and more.
5. An incredible friend who spent time and money, shopping for dolls and doll clothes to help solve the unsolvable non-fitting hat problem.
6. A photographer coming by to shoot photos of Arabella and our family, who ended up fainting and falling into Keri's arms, not before we had the opportunity to dress Arabella in adorable clothes and pose her for beautiful photos.
7. Moving our family from labor and delivery to a general women's floor; we essentially went from two large rooms to one small room. We easily broke all capacity limits for the new room and fire codes.
8. A flurry of guests who came to see our beautiful daughter.
9. A one day old birthday celebration with cupcakes and singing Happy Birthday, everyone in the room had a huge smile and celebrated together.
10. Baby Arabella being alive long enough and going strong enough that she was 'admitted' and assigned her own doctor. 
11. Discussions with nurses and doctors about being discharged on Friday. Including significant concerns about the fact that we are 100% unprepared to bring a baby home. When you are given the Anencephalic diagnosis, we essentially throught out any possibility of bringing Bella home. 
12. Incredible victories feeding with Arabella where she is eating from a nippled bottle and struggles with pumping and thinking there was not colostrum. However, feeding her and feeding her with what God made for babies!
13. Emotional moments watching our incredible niece hold Arabella for the first time, and possibly the last.
14. A number of nurses who began as care-takers and left as friends, a number of whom took the time to pray over us, our families, and Arabella.
15. A daughter who, as she was passing away, was so alive showing a side of her we have not yet seen, including smiles, yawns, movement of her eyes, opening of other eyes, squeezing hands, and more., honestly the most INDESCRIBABLE moment of our lives!
16. Lastly, a daughter who not only did not pass away, but seemed to come out of it stronger than ever because she is now off oxygen. The downside of this is that we lost our possibility for Arabella to donate her organs to Gift of Life. The plus side, we celebrate, we still have Arabella at 2:14am!

This day has been an emotional roller coaster unlike anything we ever could have imagined. We learned a lot about each other, faith, family, friends, our Father. We learned to celebrate absolutely everything, and by absolutely everything, I mean EVERYTHING! We wouldn't trade today for anything in the world. We have seen the hand of God at work in ways we never would have expected, nor could we have predicted. What the next few hours and days hold is a mystery to us. A few things are certain however, they will be magnificent, there will be miracles, and we will celebrate everything.

We now find ourselves exhausted in a way we could not have predicted. With Arabella losing her chance to donate organs, it gives us the chance to simply enjoy our time with her. Relish in her beauty. Speak life into a little girl who is statistically on her way to heaven. And of course, the three of us fall asleep together, in the same bed, holding each other as our daughter prepares to run into Jesus' arms!

We are learning that we are more blessed than we could imagine, by individuals we never would have expected. It's a reminder that the road we are walking is not about us, it's not about Arabella it's about our God and Father. And his story is bigger than us, bigger than Arabella, bigger than Anencephaly. His love knows no limits and has no boundaries.

Somehow, someway, miraculously, mysteriously, & magnificently, she is still alive, she was close to death tonight and yesterday too, so close that family gathered around, mourned, and said goodbye. Despite being on the brink of death, it's clear He is not finished telling His story and touching lives through her. He is the same today, as we was yesterday and ten months ago. He is good and we celebrate every single moment he is giving us.

Thank you father, and thank you to all of our friends, family, loved ones, strangers, and stranger strangers. We are humbled by your outpouring of support and encouragement, and we are excited to find out exactly what the Lord has in store for our family in the coming days.

SHE"S ALIVE!!!!!

HOPE!!! MYSTERY!!!!! GRACE!!!!! SHE"S ALIVE!!!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!

Arabella Nani Ellis was born today at 2:22 pm and to our absolute amazement, she is STILL ALIVE! 5 lbs 8 ounces, 17.5 inches long,  she is B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L!!!! Celebrating over 6 hours of life.

After being awake and going for over 38 hours, we are in complete AWE! GOD IS GOOD! And we surrender. Arabella gave us breaths, sounds, crying, EVERYTHING we prayed for!!!!!!!!!!! She is on oxygen but has had levels in the 90-100's majority of the day. Her heart beat is strong, she's got great pink color, SHE IS WITH US!!!!!!!!!!!

We thank you thank you thank you for the texts, voicemails, emails, etc. We are doing well!!!!! We are in love and we give God all the glory and praise His name. Every second is an absolute gift!!

OUR FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!

A man, a room, his tears, his joys, his Father...

This is, without a doubt, one of the toughest days I will see in my life. I'm sitting in the hospital room with a flurry of conflicting emotions running through me. This room is more than likely, statistically anyway, the room in which my daughter will be born, and subsequently pass away. That sucks!

Keri began having serious contractions and bleeding last night and we found ourselves at the hospital around midnight(ish). Since then things have progressed to the point that an epidural was warranted, however, Keri has already mentioned that might not have been the best idea with how her body has responded. It appears the team here has gotten things under control with her blood pressure and nausea and Keri might be resting peacefully. I say might because I'm not 100% sure. I really don't want to check and potentially disturb her.

So while she is resting, I'm kind of alone with my heart, thoughts, emotions, mind... my God. As I said, a flurry of emotions as I try to play out in my head what the day will be like. I know better than that because there is no way in the world I can even come close to having a clue. My heart rejoices in the knowledge that I get to meet my baby girl, but I cry at the same time knowing that means the clock is ticking. Our family is in the room next door and I can only imagine what they are feeling today as they too wait, not hearing from or seeing Keri or me. I'm thankful for the beautiful nurse tending to Keri who is sharing in our faith, our story, and updating family when necessary.

As I look around the room, I can't imagine losing a life here. It's not that the room is bright and cheery and bubbling over with joy, excitement, and life, but it's also not sad. It's just a room, simple, clean, not colorful, just a room. In the middle of the room is the most beautiful and amazing woman I know. She is strong, merciful, tender, compassionate, lovely, beautiful, and good. There are a lot of people in the world, but there is none other that I would rather be in this room with.

I think back to when Mayla was born. Think, actually I'm visual and recall it very vividly. It was awful, and by awful I mean Keri worked her fanny off, toughest person I've ever met. I then try to visualize what todays events will hold, I can't. Time out, the I.V. pump is beeping and just brought Keri to life when she was finally relaxing and almost asleep, grrr. In any case, when I begin to attempt to figure out the day and come to my senses that I can't, I start praying. I hope that I'll be mature enough in my faith, someday, that I can just skip the visuals and go right to praying. I'm so thankful that I serve a God who is loving, merciful, tender, compassionate, strong, a warrior. One who has gone before me (us) and has won the battle for our hearts, and the battle with the enemy. One who I can draw strength from, live off, when I have none and when I "think" I have tons. One who knows and hears my hearts cry, when I have no words. One who knows my pain because he suffered through it too as his own son hung on a cross, just so I can have these moments with him to talk, cry out, and ask why. He is good. He is my Father. He carries me. He sustains me. He provides for me. He is my breath. He is the creator of heaven and earth and all things good. He is Arabella's Father. He is in control of today, of everyday. He knows the outcome of today. If He chooses to heal Arabella's anencephaly, he knows why. If He chooses not to, he knows why and He is the same loving, kind, good Father in either case. He has gifted us with the greatest opportunity in the world, to be a parent to Arabella. This is a role we took very seriously and have made the absolute best out of it. No regrets! If Arabella meets him face to face today, I rejoice knowing her work is done. There will be a void in my heart, forever, no words, proverbs, scriptures, sayings, songs, hugs, touches, etc. can ever fill. But what a blessing to know my daughters work is done, and well done good and faithful servant.

So today we celebrate! Probably with a TON of tears, but we celebrate. We will celebrate the life of our daughter, who I fully expect to be exceedingly beautiful even though I have no basis for thinking that except for Keri and her beauty. That said, Arabella has a part of me in her too and that might not bode so well for her physical beauty (poor girl)... Regardless, today, assuming she does in fact come today which it looks like she may, is a beautiful gift to our family and I'm thankful for the beautiful work He has done in us over these last months. I'm humbled by his goodness and faithfulness and how he meets each of us, you included, right where we are, right where we need him. I'm also humbled by the outpouring of support, encouragement, prayers, words, texts, messages, emails, and more, that have been pouring in. People we have never met are writing, texting, and offering incredible acts of kindness and generosity. While many more whom we know, and who know us, do the same and bless us beyond words. We are eternally grateful; we do not have enough words, or the right words to truly express our gratitude, but thank you. May you be blessed as you have blessed us and may you too experience the only true love and grace that completes us, makes us whole, and brings us life.

~Will

I will carry you!

What a joy it's been to carry her, to feel her, to love on her, to nurture her, to grow close to her, to cuddle her, to hold her, to laugh at her, dance with her, make memories with her, to feed her, provide for her, and to let her know that we love her with everything we have! I am and forever she will be my daughter. When does one become a mother? I've thought about this a lot throughout the pregnancy. I believe one starts her motherhood the moment she decides against any form of contraception or protection, at that moment she is agreeing to the fact that life could form inside her and she needs to prepare and plan for that to happen.  The moment that stick reads 'PREGNANT" (weeks before actually), you are a mother. You have responsibilities, that child is a gift given to you and you begin (HOPEFULLY) to care for that precious life. When the child is born you have already had 9 plus months of practice! Arabella has been a gift for 9 months, and I have decided to choose Joy every day of her life that I could mother her, and I will enjoy the days, hours, minutes and seconds we have left, as hard as they might possibly be!

Our days have been filled with a peace that could only come from the father. We have laughed, we have cried, we have danced, we have mourned and we have celebrated over the last week and we have done it with the help of you! Your prayers are felt, they abound around us and we can feel them! 

I continue to be amazed at how well I thought I was planning and prepping early on, only to be running around in these last few days searching for last minute items and still trying to finalize a birth plan! I had a total mommy freak out the other day while trying to pack for the hospital (yes still working on that one, ha). I pulled out the outfits we had for Arabella and just lost it. "Is this really what we are going to burry her in?" I showed Will in total disbelief that none of the hats matched the burial outfit and this was NOT ok to me! Based on his response and look (even though it was extremely loving), it was obviously a crazy hormonal female pregnant thing but I couldn't get over it. I laid in bed that night, unable to sleep and could not stop thinking about it. I have one chance, maybe two to pick out clothes and dress my daughter, that's it. I"m not a fashionable person by ANY means, but I want it to be perfect! 

We have also been spending a lot of time trying to think of as many possible keepsake items as we can for our family. Special gifts for Mayla and special things we can do with Arabella. We don't want any regrets and this has taken some thought and time! The hospital we have heard does a great job with this as well, but we would rather have extras then 'wish we hads'. 

The plan, Lord willing I make it, anything is possible, is that Will and I will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow night at 9:30pm (Yes wednesday night now). They will start with a softening tablet.  If the cervix is not ready, and they start the IV of pitocin, it can be worse for the baby so we hear. So they are making sure all the steps will have been met before continuing on. The softening tablet could be one time or two times or three times, just depends on how my body responds. After that they start the IV. She could come any time early thursday morning, thursday throughout the day or some time friday, there are no guarantees and no way of planning. She needs to take one breathe in order for any of her organs to be donated, this is obviously a HUGE prayer request that she meets this requirement and of course we would absolutely LOVE to have minutes with her alive! As soon as she passes, granted she takes that one breathe, we then would have one hour with her before we would have to give her over to the gift of life team for them to start their recovery. She then would come back to us about 2-3 hours later, bathed and dressed for us to have as much time with her as we would like. The gift of life team calls around to see what organs are needed, please join us in prayer especially for the heart valves that they can be used as most of the other things would only be going to research, which is fantastic, but the thought of part of her being able to live and save another life excites me and we are praying for the timing of it all! We surrender! 

From Jesus Calling: "Find me in the midst of the maelstrom. Sometimes events whirl around you so quickly that they become a blur. Whisper my Name in recognition that I am still with you. Without skipping a beat in the activities that occupy you, you find strength and Peace through praying my name more fully. Accept each day just as it comes to you. Do not waste your time and energy wishing for a different set of circumstances. Instead, trust Me enough to yield to my design and purposes. Remember that nothing can separate you from My loving Presence; you are mine." I do not have a single regret from the pregnancy, nor the way I mothered her. I easily could. Was something overlooked? Was something forgotten? Could the outlook have been different? I don't know and I won't ever know, but what I do know is that I didn't use the last 27 weeks trying to change it or figure it out. I accepted it, I chose joy and I learned how to be a better person for my family and my friends! I learned how to respond to day after day of tough choices, and each morning I got up and did it again, and each day with hope, grace and mercy. This story has never been about me, Will, Mayla or Arabella. This is Gods story and we are thankful he chose us. This is the same God that sees YOU, that knows YOU, that loves YOU. The same God that remembers the day you were a blotch of nothing waiting to be a something. The same God that thinks about you, and longs for you to know Him. It's the same God that sees you and I turn away from Him to other things. It's the same God who's heart breaks when we wander from one empty moment to another, it's also the same God that laid down his Life for the ones He created, and He did it without reservation- FOR YOU!!!! Why? Because He's crazy about you, wants you as His own. His love knows no bounds, and knows no limits. The depth and breadth and height of His love is beyond our comprehension. The only other love we have experienced has been limited, minute and insignificant but God's love transcends all other love. But it is your choice to accept or deny. You may know about this extravagant gift of love. You may have even accepted God's gift. But are you holding back? Afraid? Apprehensive? Unsure? What will this God ask of you? What will He require? God can see us comparing, judging, holding Him up to the light of others who have loved us and let us down, who have broken their promises and abandoned us. Remember. God loves you with an everlasting love. YOU are his most treasured possession. He WILL NOT let you go, abandon you or break His promises to you, that's not who He is. He longs for you to want him. Know Him. Come to Him. Surrender your very being to Him. For in the surrendering you will find life and in the knowing you will discover freedom. Will you open the door of your heart to His love? Will you step into an intimate, take your breath away love relationship with the one who knows you best and loves you most? He's waiting! 

I will step into that Hospital tomorrow night with God by my side and Will holding my hand. We have committed to each other to be better through this storm for each other and to be there for one another no matter the cost. We committed on our wedding day to walk through life with one another and God no matter what raged up around us. "A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 

Arabella Nani Ellis, we can't wait to lay our eyes on you, sweet daughter of ours! 

I WILL CARRY YOU - Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says?

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me

To carry you

The countdown is on....

Psalm 56:8

This bottle and bible verse showed up in the mail from a dear friend. It sits on my window ledge above my kitchen sink (where I feel I spend about 40% of my day), and I read it daily, multiple times. It's one of many bible verses that brings me comfort, when I read it I feel held, I feel like I matter, Arabella matters, and God really does care! It says, 'You keep track of ALL my sorrows,' (not only some), 'You have collected ALL my tears' (not only some), You have recorded EACH one in your book' (not only a few). If you cry in secret, God knows, if you have secret sorrows, God knows. He not only knows, He keeps track, He collects, and He records!!! He IS a God worth serving, He is a God worth knowing, He is the only God I will serve, and he tells me over and over that he cares, even when life and situations don't look like it!

Yesterday I was seeing and feeling the beginning signs of our earth quake that we know is fast approaching. We had an appointment with our OB to discuss the next steps, an appointment I was dreading to be honest! This appointment we would be deciding our delivery date, and essentially the day we will most likely lose Arabella. It's a day that I know will be on our calendar for the years to come, and it will be a celebration, but without the one physically present to celebrate. August 20th, 2015 was decided upon, and as soon as our OB left the room Will and I just clung to each other and lost it. That is one week ahead of our due date, and a day our OB is on duty at the hospital all day. She has become such a huge part of our journey and we are praying it works for her to deliver Arabella, completing the story of our journey together. Between the many variables going into the delivery and the projected outcome and the amount of people to inform we felt lead to schedule a day but wanted it as close to our due date as possible to allow Arabella as much time as possible to grow. That means we have nine days to go and the rollercoaster of emotions continues. The thought of meeting this little joyful girl just elates me, but the thought of having to say goodbye at the same time scares me; I fall to my knees and submit to the God who is bigger than anencephaly, the God who is the same yesterday, today and forever regardless of the outcome!

Minutes later, while tears were still streaming down our cheeks, in walked two wonderful ladies from the Gift of life team, part two of a really emotional appointment was about to begin. Up until now I had only spoke with them on the phone; seeing them in person, talking, and signing papers made a situation that seemed like a distant event, very real. We discussed what the day events could look like, their procedure, and what we could donate. The thought of Arabella's tiny body parts being given to research and potentially saving another life brought me joy but not without tears and a torn feeling in my heart! The tears just streamed down my face as I sat there and prayed for them to be able to use all her organs, and at the same time prayed they wouldn't be able to use a single part of her becuase she would be perfectly healed and we get to keep her! As we agreed to donate heart valves, heart cells, the kidney, the liver, the stomach and the pancreas, Arabella kicked and punched and squirmed about. All I could think was her? Our daughter? this life moving about so rambunctiously inside me? How can it be? And to my knees I fall.

Nine days for us to love her with everything we have, nine days to share our life with her, nine days to care for her, nurture her, say good morning and good night to her, nine days to laugh with her, nine days to hold her, snuggle her, nine days to continue sharing how much Jesus loves her, just nine more days to carry her; I choose JOY and to my knees I fall.

We continue to pray for those that read these words, we Thank God for you. We pray that this God we write of is real to you, and we pray that if he's not, you will be open to exploring what a relationship with him looks like. He created you, he cares for you, and he's waiting for you. Most people don't know the hours or minutes that are left in their loved ones lives, we aren't certain either. But we continue to love, we continue to forgive and continue to give grace. Who in your life needs to hear from you that you love them, you forgive them, and who needs your grace. Life is too short and unexpected to live like you're in control, you aren't. And life is too long to live in regret.

'And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm'.

-Casting Crowns Praise You in this storm

Surrender

My stomach does the wave, then you see a massive protrusion, then nothing, then within seconds you feel a jab to the rib cage and more protrusions, then hiccups......Arabella's life is predicted to be short, but the amount she is moving now gives me no indication of that happening. With her weighing in at an estimated 6 pounds, her movements have been rather intense lately and she's making her presence known and I love every second. I'm at the stage of the pregnancy where i'm lucky to make it more than 2 hours at night in between bathroom visits, majority of that time just after waking up, Arabella joins in on the party and squirms about. I lay in bed holding my stomach, holding her, bonding, smiling. I welcome the snuggle time we get and thank God for that gift! The gift of her movement is HUGE as we still realize we can lose her at any second, so when I wake up in the morning and she wakes up too, my heart sings and I praise God for another day I get to spend with her, loving on her, caring for her, and having her in our lives! Every thing we do, she's a big part of too! If this is all we get of  her life, we are going to help her live it to the fullest! 

Mayla trying to hear Arabella's heartbeat. 

We have been trying to spend more time preparing Mayla for what the coming weeks might look like. Talk about heart wrenching and yet so innocent at the same time! Mayla and I were laying in her bed the other morning, like we do almost every morning, and after we got done praying together for Baby Nani, we were holding the Nani Bear and I said, 'Mayla, do you know there is a chance God won't grant us the miracle we have been praying for and he could possibly decide to have baby Nani go to heaven instead of come home with us?' She got this way serious look, she thought for a moment and then said, 'go down'. She was trying to make a connection, and the only other time she has constantly heard us talk about heaven is with her Great Grandma that passed away in February. She knows her body went down into the ground but she lives up in heaven. Since the cemetery is close by our house this was a huge discussion of ours for months and is now becoming one again! At times I think, are we seriously having these discussions with a toddler? The baby she has loved on for MONTHS, kissed, talked to, rubbed,  and called 'her own sister',  I'm now telling her that she won't be coming home with us? Really? We are talking about heaven instead of all the things we want to do with her little sister here on this earth? 'Just as a drought drives the roots of a tree deeper to find water, so suffering can drive us beyond superficial acceptance of truth to dependence on God for hope and life.'

We had an ultrasound last week, and I asked a question that I had not asked until that point, 'can you tell the severity of her anencephaly? It was never talked about in a single appointment, and part of me was okay with that, another part of me just wanted to know. She said it was very difficult at this stage, but looked like she was missing the whole frontal part of her skull from the eyes up but had the back part present. She once again tried to get a closer look, a profile image, a 3D image, something, but our little mystery baby continued her hiding! She had her head so far nestled into me that she was only able to get her ear this time and a foot, but what a cute ear and foot it is! I smiled and fell more in love as I visualized her taking advantage of the snuggle time she has with me as much as I am with her.

I'm 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant, this storm started over 25 weeks ago and has gone from a hurricane to a light rain storm to a torrential down pour, and we are trying to gear up for an earthquake, but honestly we can't. We imagine, we talk, we read, we cry, we pray, we hold each other, but still nothing we do is going to prepare us for what is to come! How do you prepare to say goodbye to someone you thought you would raise, someone you have so many dreams for.......I surrender!

For the first time throughout the whole pregnancy, I feel pregnant. This pregnancy has been amazing, I have felt incredible, running well into 7 months and still skiing at 8 months, but my body is now telling me to chill a bit, and I'm trying to listen! Braxton hicks have been happening more frequently, other random cramping and I get an occasional feeling Arabella is trying to make an early entrance, which of course we don't want. It's been an incredible, blessed, and humbling journey. Over the course of these 25 weeks, and especially as we get closer to the end, a number of friends/loved ones/even strangers have asked how they can help, what they can do; THANK YOU! We honestly can not tell/show each of you how much you all mean to us, your prayers, cards, texts, emails, gifts and generosity have overwhelmed us and brought us to tears of thanksgiving and praise to our father for the outpouring of love we have received. As far as the, 'how can I/we help' question, that is always a tough one, as the majority of the time we honestly don't know what we need in that moment. Another thing that's hard about that question is most of the day we've already made 1000 decisions we didn't feel like making, or thinking about things that no mother or father to be should have to think about that we honestly can not process one more thing. We have said this a lot, but prayer is huge, they are felt, they are needed, we love them and welcome them. Meals are fabulous. After going throughout the day wondering if 'this is a song' we want to play at her funeral? Or did we pick out the right outfit for the one day she will live? Dinner is the least of our worries, if you text me you're bringing food by, I will not say no! We will lift our hands in praise and forever be grateful. If you can't cook, or live out of town, we welcome pizza deliveries to our house as well:)

I recently came across this on a sign in a store and knew it would be the perfect addition to our walls! It sits across from the couch we most frequently use and I read it multiple times throughout the day! "In our family, we have faith, believe in grace, trust in God, expect miracles, give thanks, pray always, love one another, choose joy."

I long for more time, I long for more kicks, I long for more opportunities, I long for her life.....and I surrender. For you created Arabella's inmost being; you knit her together in my womb. I praise you becuase she is fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well....and I surrender!

All to you, we surrender; all to you we freely give...

I think she's already spent more time in a lake/pool or river than most 4 year olds.