Joy through the journey

There really are two lines there:) Just noticing its not showing up here.

When a woman sees two lines on a pregnancy test, or a plus sign or a yes or whatever other indicator is used, something happens inside her, and it happens fast! A new part of her heart is opened, a bond is formed, and a string is connected from the mother's heart to the baby.  The morning of  buried daughters 1st birthday I had this experience. I had known for over a week what that test result was going to be, I was sick and it felt good! The second line on the test was just a double confirmation, and the trip to the doctor office to have my pregnancy hormone levels checked was a triple confirmation that once again a miracle had taken place. Tuesday morning, our 3 year old sweet Mayla placed her hand on my belly and said, 'it feels like there is a baby in there.' I was astonished, she had heard NO talk and knew nothing. The joy that ran through my body knowing she was right and knowing I would get to tell her soon that she would be a big sister again was exhilarating. My heart was hopeful. Finding out on Arabella's birthday felt like a massive redemption story. I had hope, telling myself THIS was going to be the baby we get to keep and bring home, and how cool of the timing of it all!!!!! And then, in a blink of an eye, it happened.

I wanted the bleeding to stop, I wanted to ignore it, it had only been a few short months since we saw this scene before and it felt like my heart was being ripped open....again. The strings and bond I had already formed was being snatched from my grip, and there was NOTHING I could do. Once again another projected birthday that would not bring about a birth. Broken-hearted, defeated, drained, confused, and frustrated I cried out to God. "God don't you see our longings, our desires? Don't they line up with yours? You give us the desires of our hearts, right? How can us wanting to grow our family not line up? You tell us to be fruitful and multiply, how doesn't that line up? What more can we learn from the agony, the pain, the hurt and the constant surrendering? What do you want from this? It's SOOOOO hard, and with each passing loss I feel less hopeful, more questions, a bigger sense of hurt and sadness and more grief..." My pain was intense and I didn't hold back....

After I came to terms that nothing I did could save the pregnancy, I dove into scripture. I had a choice, I could run to God and cling to the one who could hold me through it all, or I could run from Him and be utterly alone. As angry as I was with God and confused by Him, I knew enough that I needed him and I didn't go off my emotions but instead went with what I knew to be truth. Will and I shared our real emotions and thoughts together as well, knowing that in our brokenness and honesty is when healing can take place. I found my bible flipping between chapters in the book of Psalm. I was thankful I had underlined things through the years, because I needed all the help I could get. Over and over, sentence after sentence, as tears streamed down my face and I tried to find an answer for something I will never understand, I felt held. "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you." "For you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." God was speaking to me in a mighty way. "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him." And that's exactly what I did. I told him I was exhausted on every level, I was in too deep of waters, and worn out from calling for help. Then I came across this in Psalm 71:20 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." I don't know how many more miscarriages we will have, I don't know how many more children we will lose, I don't know a lot of things and that's ok, but what I do know at the end of the day is God is still God, and I'm still me and he sees a lot more than I will ever see! 

Lately this song has been vibrating off the walls of our house, and the words resonate with me......

One part I really like (well Actually it's ALL good) but when the song says:

"I know you're good

But this don't feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you're God

And I am not"

Nothing about this feels good, nothing about this is welcomed, nothing about this is wanted, but I gotta stop with all that and realize God IS GOD! I can't get lost in the self pity, I can't get lost in the details and I have to stay focused. Focused for Will, focused for Mayla, focused for family, focused for friends,  because this life is not about me, but about God and others! 

Lantern two, no take off..

Lantern one, GREAT

On Arabella's birthday, Will and I thought it would be cool to send lanterns up that we had in our possession for almost a year, an amazing gift someone had given us. Each time we went to do them it either rained or was too windy, we celebrated the fact that now we would get to do two. One for Arabella, and one for Baby Foonf (five in german sound)! This was an amazing moment for me and I was elated. We lit them both at about the same time and the first went up with no problems, it was so cool! They were bigger than we thought they would be. The second lantern struggled and actually got a hole in it and caught on fire before a failed takeoff was deemed and was stomped out. I struggled with this at the time, I really struggled with it, I wrestled with the idea that it could be foreshadowing, a sign from God that something was wrong, I tried really hard to fight the fight that was going on inside. I won, but that didn't change the results, the only thing that it changed was the moments I had pregnant were spent enjoyed instead of in panic. 

God and I have had some good talks lately, some good cries and some real tough truth. God's shoulders are huge, he could handle what I was throwing His way, and he can handle what you want to throw His way too, he wants to hear from you. 

We have no answers to why, our pregnancy/baby history up till now is not so great and we don't know what the future holds but love, and patience! What we do know is that we have Mayla. The morning we miscarried she walked out of her bedroom, crawled right up onto my lap and snuggled me. She pulled her face away from my chest and said, 'why are you crying, are you sad?' I replied, Mayla, you are a miracle, and mommy is so thankful that God gave me you. And as each month passes, it's more evident that miracle that you are!" I squeezed her hard as the tears streamed down my cheeks and landed on her oversized night shirt I thought to myself,  "Will there ever be another little miracle inside me that will one day crawl up on my lap and snuggle into me and will she ever get the chance to be the big sister that she so desperately wants to be?"  

Tonight, or this morning I guess now that I see the time, I leave you with this thought. We all have our own junk, trials, hurts and frustrations, through whatever it is, who is depending on you to make the right choice? Maybe a choice to submit? A choice to surrender? A choice to admit? A choice to confess? or whatever is needed so that healing, growth or redemption can take place?! We aren't meant to journey alone and we need God and we need each other, but it takes work. 

The day Jesus Welcomed her home

I was awake in the early morning hours today, during that time I reflected back on exactly one year ago today. Will and I were snuggled up with our warrior girl, enjoying snuggles and an abundance of love, not knowing how much longer she would hold on. By that time we had already said our goodbyes 3 different times, but here we were at 5 am, in the stillness of the morning and she was breathing like a champ on her own. We couldn't believe she made it through the night with us. We continuously fell more and more in love. I couldn't take my eyes off her soft skin, her scrunchy cute toes, her perfectly formed lips and nose, I was captivated by her and wanted to soak up every second knowing time was limited. People started showing up, one after the other, all astonished she made it through the night, as everyone had left her the night before, tears streaming down their cheeks saying their goodbyes. Once again she defeated the odds as I lay there breastfeeding her enjoying the most amazing bond a mother could experience with their child. 

Arabella was trucking along and assigned a pediatrician, he walked in and had perplexity written all over his face. The baby that was not compatible with life was given a pediatrician to over see her care. He was gentle, thorough and kind! He left and next on the agenda was working on going home. That required a car seat, something we for sure didn't want to bring to the hospital with us to avoid the pain of seeing it in the back of the car empty on our way home. But here we were now needing one. Amazing, she was allowing us to dream. We were scared!!!!!!

During the hospice talk, paperwork and life swirling around, Arabellas breathing became more labored, her oxygen levels bouncing up and down more and more. Once again we started our goodbyes. This time it was different. She was smiling, her eyes were opened, they were moving, she showed expressions. Interesting that when someone is dying they can look more peaceful? She was seeing glimpses of heaven, we witnessed the same thing 6 months earlier as my grandma died. It was the most amazing sight ever and I will forever lack the words to describe it. But, it was also my daughter, a sight no mother should ever witness. Sin entered this world way back in the beginning. We live in a fallen world and therefore things won't be perfect in this world, God warned us of that, many times in the bible. The good news is it will be perfect again one day, and it's a day we long for.

Arabella was leaving us, after an amazing 45 hours of life, she drank from a bottle, she breastfed, she smiled, she cooed, she loved more in that time than most people will ever experience. We were in awe of her! And every day we miss her! Today we celebrate the gift she gave, today we celebrate the many many ways that God showed up then and still does today!

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11

The road that we are on is a long one, sometimes I want to jump off it, but find I am stuck, like on new pavement, unable to move, other times i'm making new tracks, sometimes the tracks come so easy, other times so difficult. The road has smooth spots to it, bumpy spots and uphill ones where I feel like i'm making no progress. Other traffic just rushes by, and the wind is sometimes what keeps me moving forward!

God has been my rock through it all, or like one of my favorite songs says 'my light house'. He has led me safe to shore and will lead me in the darkness!

"A million times i've needed you,

A million times I've cried.....

If love alone could have saved you

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,

In death I love you still.

In my heart you hold a place,

no one else can ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

but you didn't go alone,

part of me went with you

the day God took you home." 

Arabella's AMAZING Birthday

AMAZING DAY! BLOWN AWAY! Can I get a HEY? AND let's PRAY!!!!!!!!!! (So I think I need sleep).......

I barely have ANY energy left to type, or clear thinking left, but i'm going to try really hard to get this super amazingly exciting post out! ARABELLA"S BIRTHDAY TODAY ROCKED! My first ever cemetry party and by far one of my most favorite of all time AND the Amazing Arabella giveaway.

Tonight i'm just going to cover the birthday girl giveaway, it was such a huge part of her birthday and REALLY REALLY emphasises the #celebrateeverything.

The trickiest part of the process was packing all the items in our suburban. I thankfully had the wonderful help of both my sisters. We grew up with a 'semi professional' packing dad, he taught us well, and he would have been proud. Loading up I felt like our truck turned into a Mary Poppins bag, and then unloading it felt the same way..stuff just kept coming!!!!

I was moved, it was way fun, Mayla was PUMPED and Will and I held hands and squeezed each other's hands. It felt healing, it felt refreshing, it felt GOOD! One of the best things you can do to heal during grief is by helping others....healing was happening! THANK YOU ALL for helping! Strangers, family, friends, loved ones...THANK YOU!!!!!

ON OUR WAY!!!

Arabella bear was with us the whole day, Mayla was pumped to bring her along and show her what was going on. We were PACKED in there!

Busting at the seams when we opened the tailgate :o)

AMAZING helper, SHE SO got it

ALLLLLLL This!!! CELEBRATE EVERYTHING!!!!!

MORE TO COME LATER................

The night before....

I see other little babies that would be Arabella's age and I want to wrap my arms around them. I saw a complete stranger the other day holding a squirmy little guy who looked to be 11 months old. It was hot and the mom was trying really hard to control the child and not let them get down since it was an unsafe environment for the little guy. In my head I had the whole conversation and my actions played out how I would approach this lady and tag team with her, just to have a chance at holding him. I did stop myself in fear she would think I was a freak. My good friend had a little boy a week after Arabella was born, he is a gift to me. My friend will never know the deep love I have for that little man, and how much joy he has given me. When I look at him, I can guess what Arabella would be doing, and the smiles he gives me are priceless! God knew what I would need, and he gave it to me! These are called hugs from God...he cares, he knows me and he sees me!

I was just looking back over our last year of pictures. A lot happens according to the pictures we take in a year! It was a blast, but one thing was common from month to month to month; There is someone missing in every family photo that is taken; A daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter. Arabella bear made it into some pictures, that bear has become Mayla's BFF for one year now. Today Mayla bought her a new nuggi for her birthday:) Her way of going through grief and it's adorable. Hugs from God to hear her interact and take such good care of this 'pretend sister'. God cares, God knows, and God sees her!

Arabella Bear taking her first ride on the horse at the local grocery store.

I sat with a dear dear friend tonight by Arabella’s grave, after she left I stayed around, not quite ready to depart for the business of ‘life’ and the distractions that come ones way. There we were, Arabella and me, the wind, the memories, the images and then the tears. Oh how I miss her toes, and lips, she seriously had the most perfect lips I had ever laid eyes on, and her perfectly soft skin.

She was perfection. She was developmentally missing part of her skull, but I never notice that, and even though we did away with all the hats in the hospital after getting over the feeling like we had to ‘cover up her imperfections', I never ever have memories of that. When I think about her, see her, remember her, I see a perfect baby! She was fearfully and wonderfully made! God cares, God knows and God sees her!!!!

I have 300 thoughts racing through my mind, things I want to share, what I’ve learned over the past year, how I want to grow more, what advice I want to share with others going through something like this and I just can’t do it. I’m overwhelmed right now by people’s generosity. I”m overwhelmed right now by stories I’m still hearing 1 year later. I’m overwhelmed by how God really deeply cares. I’m overwhelmed by how I”m able to help others I don’t even know. I’m overwhelmed because of one of the best choices I have ever made, and that was to carry my baby to term, knowing she would not live! I’m overwhelmed because God chose me. God chose me!!!!!!!!

EXACTLY one year ago, Mayla dressing Arabella. That night we went to the hospital

I was scared, I was excited, I was not in control, I was surrendered to the one who made me and knew me. God was with us and he is to this day!

I sit in the dark, in the silence of the house:overwhelmed. I can no longer CLOSE the nursery room door, the room is FULL of stuff for her Birthday giveaway tomorrow (don't panic if you missed the date, i'm going to take another round of stuff there next week).  Tears run down my cheeks as I stand and look at the piles, i'm grateful, i'm in awe, i'm shocked, i'm brought to my knees in humility by all the love and support! THANK YOU!!!!!! Arabella's room was suppose to have all those things in it, and you have all made that possible, you have fulfilled a dream, my heart is full. My mommy cup runneth over!!

Will be delivered to Alpha Women's center tomorrow on Arabella's birthday. I"m SOOOO Excited!! THANK YOU THANK YOU! (This isn't all of it)