Tonkas or Tutus?

I woke up in a sweat the other night after a very real and vivid dream. We needed to deliver early due to some complications they were noticing with Baby Zek. Our sweet baby entered the world with amazingly thick hair, handsome blue eyes, an alertness and strength radiated from his tiny body. Then as I was scanning him over, my eyes were drawn to other parts of him that didn't look the way they were suppose to. In this dream fear flooded my extremities, it was so real and vivid, and I thought to myself, not again.....What more???

I was shaken after this dream and felt invaded by the enemy. My joy and celebration during the whole pregnancy has been a gift and daily I have felt an abundance of peace; I wasn't surprised by this attack.  In the bible it tells us in John 10:10 that 'the enemy (Satan) comes to steal, kill and destroy.' I wasn't going to give in that easily. Before waking up I remember being fixated on the facial features again and thinking to myself, 'this child, despite what my imperfect eyes see, is fearfully and wonderfully made!'

Daily I need to surrender these legit fears, I need to give God this child daily, just like we do Mayla, and I need to choose to NOT be taken down by these thoughts or dreams. God is the ultimate victor no matter what! Fighting the battle and the urge to give in to those lies can be really hard; But so rewarding when I don't let the enemy win!!!

This dream came at a time when we were waiting (impatiently I admit) for our lab results from some genetic testing we had done via my blood. They told us it would be about 2 weeks til we found out; I was good for one week, nice and patient and trucking along hour by hour feeling GOOD, but after that week, I started getting ancy and a whole butterfly garden entered my stomach. Then, I just couldn't take it any more; at just over the one and a half week mark I logged into my account and found out the results had been sent to my doctor and I could call him.  That was GREAT news, bad news was it was a Sunday, and the following day was a Holiday. Tuesday came and the same urgency was no longer there. I was in this weird place of contentment and peace in the unknown and feeling safe there, and making that phone call required a HUGE leap of trust. Will brought it up Tuesday afternoon and told me to call. I respected him and knew no matter what we were in this together! So I called! The extremely nice nurse told me the results were in and had been mailed to me that morning! I was grateful for that response and about to say thank you and hang up, when I decided to take another leap. I asked her if she could give them to me over the phone! She said, 'yes, just a minute'. That pause seemed like forever!!!!! She then went on to speak some of the sweetest words, 'low risk results!' I didn't even know what to say, THANK YOU JESUS! My heart was spewing praise. I then asked her if she could share the baby's sex over the phone and another 'yes' was uttered into the other end of the phone. I quick hit speaker phone and Will and I went and hid in the toy room away from Mayla. The nurse says, 'Are you READY?'.................My heart was beating soooo fast as I anxiously awaited to know what little life was growing inside.....So we ask you, ARE YOU READY????????

Just peachy

The size of a peach that little bouncing ball of energy is. Amazing to think Baby Zek is ONLY the size of a peach based on how stinkin' adorable he/she was during our ultrasound today! Watching the limbs fly every where and the mouth open and close and open and close, I smiled, and clenched my husband's hand tightly, giving three squeezes to signal how in love I was.

Your texts and emails and facebook messages were an amazing distraction while on the way to the doctor and while sitting in the waiting room. I did pause for a bit and just allowed myself to be, I thanked God for the space that we were in, and no matter what happened behind those doors, he would be the same God I walked in praising!

My heart breathed a big sigh when they were taking us to our room and they went down a totally different hallway than the room we had for Arabella, my heart was too fragile and I was thankful for the gift of a different room. The waiting time felt like an infinity, and the examining room was bone chilling.  As I crawled up on the examining table I wondered if they would be able to see the knots in my stomach, silently with eyes closed I could only sing, "Our God, is an awesome God he reigns'...and 'You are a good good father.' The silence during the ultrasound is tough to handle, the sonographer is technically not allowed to say anything other than what she is taking pictures of. I wished I had gone to school in that moment to learn how to read those things, the questions and looking and pushing and moving and looking again and then again was killing me! I was honed in on the skull, it looked different than Arabellas and I could see the whole outline, one part of my heart jumped for joy while the other stayed guarded. It was an emotional rollercoaster. I was having flashbacks to when we thought everything looked amazing with Arabella before we were shot down. 

I didn't want to get too excited, but the bouncing bundle made me laugh and smile. I even had to apologize to the lady for my stomach moving all around on top of the baby making it even more difficult, it was a delight to see the baby acting so excited though. 

The silence was getting to me and I JUST had to know so without thinking blurted out, 'does the skull look ok to you?' Her response made my heart sing, 'I can see the whole outline of the skull, it's all there'! PRAISE the Lord, I think some grey hair that was almost making its way to the surface was able to leave for another couple weeks:)  

After 5 pages of images, checking on all the organs that could be seen and monitoring the heart blood flow we were finally able to head into another room to meet with the doctor. With no hesitation he announced, 'I've looked at the images and your baby looks great'! I wanted to jump up and do the happy dance. My heart grew and the spaces I had been guarding were released. 

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him." 1 Samuel 1:27 NIV

Measuring PERFECTLY at 13 weeks! LOVE LOVE LOVE

"Dear Jesus, I can't wait to meet my family"-Baby Zek

This was the BEST, Baby Zek started drinking it was amazing!!!

Thank you all for your prayers, texts and emails! The support I felt was incredible. Will and I were lifted up and we celebrated all you journeying with us! Today after the ultrasound we were at the store and mayla was looking at greeting cards, have you ever stood in the greeting card isle, there are a BUNCH, and she looks up at me and says, "Mom, can we get the card with the rainbow on it?" SAY WHAT??? WOW...she has not even heard us mention rainbow baby, I couldn't believe it! More hugs from God, I will take them!

Next appointment in 5 weeks to keep an eye on the heart! For now, more love, more adventures and more surrendering! We celebrate another day!

Rainbow

Have you ever had something you have wanted to do for a LONG time? It's either been on the calendar for months, or something you have been trying to achieve or take off a to-do list for a while? The time comes and your elation is almost paralyzing? That's me right now. I've thought about this blog many times over the last nine months. The many titles that have come and gone, the many things I have wanted to share, either scribbled on a far away note or lost in the notes on my phone, it's been an ongoing thought, but there has been one special blog I have dreamed about writing and sharing for awhile and I'm elated to be in that place with you now!

Mayla and Arabella are happy to announce......There is a baby in Mommy's TUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!

Mayla We have a new book for you...

...called 'Big sisters are the Best'. Want to know why this book?

There is a BABY in mommy's Tummy!! TO which Mayla responds, 'A REAL BABY'!

"I want to hear it," She says!

AND THE JOYOUS Journey Begins as Big Sisters together!

OH MY HEART!!!!! She's SOOOO PROUD!

"ARABELLA, THERE IS A BABY IN YOUR MOMMY'S TUMMY"

Our Rainbow baby is coming, it's been a long season of storms. One of our 4 year old Daughters FIRST responses was, 'We have been praying for 90 years for this!!!!!!!!' The perspective is adorable and the longing has been intense for all of us. We love her honesty and openness she shares each day, even if they tug at our heart strings. On almost a daily basis she utters the words, 'Mommy if this baby stays alive......' or 'Mommy, if we get to bring this baby home from the hospital.....' She already realizes that each day is a gift. On her own she came up to me the other morning, gave the baby morning hugs and said, 'what a celebration that baby is still with us!' 

We have given our little Baby Ellis the womb name Baby Zek, for many reasons. We named all our babies in german and this was baby number 6, yes that's always fun to answer at the doctors visits, "6th pregnancy, 3rd birth and one living child", so.....in german the word is sechs, if said incorrect it doesn't sound so great, so we figured that was out, but if we could shorten it, that might work....Zek came up. During the time I was studying about Ezekiel in the bible and decided to look up what that meant and it's God Strengthens. HOW perfect! I would need a LOT of God strength to run the race before me. 

Baby Zek is an amazing 13 weeks and so far doing awesome! We had an early ultrasound that couldn't have been more perfect. Measuring just right and everything looking good! The ultrasound was emotional and the rad tech printed off the pictures and back to the waiting room I went. Sitting there holding that gift in my stomach and the gift in my hand I began to weep. As I stared at the ultrasound pictures I was captivated and could not take my eyes off the miracle we had been given. All I could say was, "Thank you Jesus, It is yours, Thank you Jesus, It is yours." 

We heard the sweetest sound, the heartbeat, last week and that too sounded perfect! Thank you Jesus that you chose us. 

Tomorrow is a HUGE day and we are asking for a TON of prayers. We have an appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine; We will be going back to a place that holds a lot of emotion. It's where we found out about Arabellas anencephaly, which we will be checking tomorrow on this child and also a few other things. The excitement to see our bouncing bundle on the screen is off the charts, but the flashbacks have already started in my mind and the pain of losing Arabella quickly swells to the surface as well! Prayers for peace, for the baby to cooperate and for an all around good report would be greatly appreciated! 

I know not everyone gets their rainbow and my heart breaks for those families. I know not everyone even gets to experience life before a rainbow and my heart breaks for them too. Everyone is given a different story and the beautiful thing is what we can learn from each other and how it takes each story to make the world a special place. I love what I have learned from my family friends of 10 and my single friends and my mommy friends struggling with her kids or the fact that she has no kids. We are all hurting in some way and we are all blessed in many ways. The key is to help the ones hurting and to celebrate the blessings. Today we have Baby Zek and we celebrate. Arabella taught us to celebrate everything and it's ingrained in us, deep! Tomorrow through the parking garage, the elevators, the all too familiar examination room and consultation room, we will celebrate what we have been given.

"You give life, you are love

You bring light to the darkness

You give hope, You restore

Every heart that is broken

Great are you, Lord" -All Sons and Daugthers Song Great are you Lord