An awesome friend of mine gave me some incredible advice a few months ago. We had been talking about how we try to prep our hearts and prep our minds for certain things and she challenged me to ponder how helpful is that really going to be in the long run? I had been trying to prep myself for loss early on, thinking that was going to make in case something happend. If I just prepared my heart for it ahead of time, then when the time comes it won't hurt as bad. That was my flawed thinking. Truth of the matter is things that are suppose to hurt, will hurt! Loss of life hurts, miscarriage hurts, unemployment hurts, but also sitting around worrying about, pondering about and dreaming of fake stories and visuals of things that are out of control hurt too! They hurt our heart, they hurt our soul and they hurt relationships and people around us when we start talking and preparing for something negative that isn't there yet! From that conversation on, my focus shifted big time and I claimed this pregnancy as a gift and I was going to stop the preparation for loss and live for the second of what I had been given. This requires my eyes to be focused on Christ and nothing else. I will not prevail by noticing the what if's of life, or how big the storm seems too be around me. Attempting to evaluate all of those will have me sinking before I have even tried to swim.
This past week though, I found myself edgy, I was annoyed, I was high strung and I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest! Every little thing Will and Mayla did, or didn't do for that matter, sent me over the edge. The cramps I was experiencing all week long and the lack of movement from the baby coupled with the ultrasound that was scheduled for Friday morning had my mind working over time and left my heart being sabotaged by my mind! The enemy was having a field day putting thoughts, one after the other, of another child I wouldn't meet, and the worst thing was, I believed Him.
Friday morning came and before the appointment I knew I needed to get my heart right. The enemy had taken up residence in my head for too many hours and I was done! I started to utter with my lips over and over and over and over, 'God you are God, this child is yours and the days we have had so far have been awesome, we surrender her to you. God you are God, this child is your and the days we have had so far have been awesome, we surrender her to you." I parked the car, walked up to the building that holds many memories good and hard, got on the elevator and felt held by the Lord. Before I knew it, the warm goop was being placed on my belly and the ultrasound wand pushed against the stomach. "Thy Will be done Lord, thy Will be done".
First image that popped up was baby Zeks head, I then saw an arm move to the left and to the right, movement on the screen brought tears streaming down my cheeks and repentance to my heart. 'God please forgive my actions and thoughts and for allowing the enemy to steal my joy.' She was laying on her stomach, something I personally never saw in any ultrasound, her spine was curved in a such a way that it looked like a rainbow. I was reminded of the decorations we have hanging in her nursery. "Without Rain, there will be no Rainbow". Another God hug for me in this visual that he provided with her spine.
As she moved the wand around, I felt the sweet little bundle move against it. She was full of so much life and even waved to us.
Our rainbow is kicking, and moving, and growing, and developing! The rad tech took 112 images that day, you name it, they were looking at it! There was part of the heart they couldn't see, but not alarming as Baby Zek is the size of a bell pepper. Next ultrasound will be full heart echo in 5 weeks, we are already so excited to see her again. So many of you have been praying for us, and with us and for the baby and you have NO idea how much we appreciate that! The nurse came in after looking at all the images and said, 'your baby girl looks awesome'. Your prayers are being felt and we are thankful!
I allowed my mind to go down that deep dark path last week and I'm annoyed for it. The energy I wasted, the mental exhaustion I experienced, and the pressure I put on my family is embarrassing and sad, but it happened, and the freeing thing is I'm forgiven too! Lessons happen in life that aren't fun, we go through things that don't feel good, but we also have the opportunity to turn it around and learn from it and be better the next time! I did get another chance at choosing my attitude that day. When my husband called and said his car was broke again, this was the second time in one week and fifth time since he has been unemployed! Our day Friday was on SUCH a high, even seeing it going down the road on the tow truck was NOT going to get me down. Arabella was with us that day as I was pleasantly reminded to CELEBRATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
 |
| My husband patiently waiting our arrival to rescue him. As we pulled up, Mayla reminded me again how important attitude is. She said, 'Oh poor Papi, BUT, Mom, this is WAY better, now we all get to ride together, one big happy family'! Her outlook on life is amazing! She was celebrating and finding the silver lining! |
 |
| And he looked pretty happy to be picked up by such a hot babe. Celebrate everything, Junk is going to happen and junk is going to be tough, but Jesus and Celebrating will be enough:) |
