It was that kind of day, a day that called for visiting my girl. I smiled as I approached her grave, and then the tears started to flow, one after the other. I couldn't even stop. I found myself saying her name over and over, loving the way it sounded as it rolled off my tongue and sad in the same breath that I never have used it to tell her it's time to brush her teeth, or used it to scold her for biting her sister or pulling her hair! We are one month shy of celebrating her 2nd birthday and the tears still come! My arms still long to touch her skin and feel her body against mine! What does child loss look like 2 years out? I still cry. Do I cry as often? No. Do I cry as hard? Some times, but not usually. Today yes. Do I enjoy and also dread seeing my friends child who would have been the same age as Arabella? Yes, to this day it makes me smile and ache at the same time! Having Baby Zek in my stomach is wonderful, but no child will ever be able to replace Arabella. Missing her still comes in waves. The lake for the most part stays calm, but there are times when a storm swells up and the waves look like walls that engulf me!
Mayla still talks about Arabella almost daily. Whether it's about how special Arabella is and she's with us in our hearts or that she prays the baby in my tummy can come home from the hospital and not have an owie on her head like Arabella, she is still very much a part of our lives!
We put a pinwheel by Arabella's grave and I like it so much! Tonight it was going around and around and around and around. I sat there mesmerized by it. It reminded me of what life can look like. We sometimes feel like we are just spinning, going around and around, doing the same thing over and over and over, from our view point it doesn't look so great, nor feel so great. We go around and around with our kids, our job, our to-do list day after day and week after week. But when we step back and look at it, what an amazing sight it is. Hopefully these round and rounds we are doing are out of love and what a sight that can be to our children, our husbands, our parents our grandparents or friends. I learned something new from this special pinwheel. I want the consistency of that pinwheel, even when it seems I'm going nowhere, it can still be a beautiful thing.
Baby Zek is approaching twenty two weeks and so far doing a stellar job at growing and being healthy. We had more testing done a few weeks ago that also came back 'normal', such a relief, even though we know we aren't in the 'clear' it helps to have things pointing in a healthy direction. Mayla came with us last week to a heart beat appointment and I wish I could have recorded her sweet face when she heard the sound. Her eyes sparkled, her dimple popped out and she had joy pouring out of her pores, it was amazing! She continues to fall more and more in love each day. My favorite is when she is away from us for a night, she will say first thing to baby Zek, "Oh baby Zek-i, I missed you so much" and kiss my tummy. It looks something like this.....
We are eagerly awaiting our next ultrasound on August 2nd and we thank you all for your continued prayers as we journey this adventure called life. We are thankful daily for what we have been given and count every day with this child a gift. We continue to learn and grow so much and are thankful for every adventure both good and bad that we have been on together!
