NOT the anniversary we planned...

We first went in on April, 19th 2016. Thirty minutes before our appointment, my nerves kicked in, heading back into the same office where we had so much history, about to check on the status of our fourth child, the newest addition to our family. Seven weeks pregnant, we were overjoyed to be there. I was hopeful, but I couldn't focus on anything except how hard it seemed to breathe in that moment. My chest felt like it had a 30 pound weight pressing down on it, when I laid on the ultrasound table and she squeezed that warm goopy gel onto my belly, the weight on my chest doubled to the feeling of 60 pounds, I was light hearted and heavy hearted at the same time. And then, we saw it, the uterus with a good looking yoke sac inside , a life that had a heart beat fluttering steadily. We squeezed each other's hands, we smiled, and we surrendered! During the ultrasound though something rather interesting happened. The technician was playing music, a song came on that we played at Arabella's funeral and says; "You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name!" Will and I looked at each other, each thinking the same thing but neither of us saying a word. Out of all the songs in the world that could be played at this time, WHY this one? I almost felt at that moment God was trying to prepare our hearts. And for the fourth time, we fully surrendered another baby to Him, submitting to what he had planned for our future.

The weeks have been filled with thoughts of our rainbow baby, the excitement of sharing with family and friends, the hope of another life being formed inside my womb and Mayla finally getting the sibling she has been talking nonstop about! We never told her we were pregnant but she would bring it up on a daily basis, even telling me that we were having a baby boy and she was starting to pack toys away for him.  She would see baby items in the store and insist we bought them for her brother. We never told her, but we think God did! The dreams were coming, and December 12th was ingrained on my mind already as the future due date.

Last Friday I was overcome with fear, I sat in tears as I longed for Arabella and feared for the life that was inside me, it was the scariest point I had been since getting pregnant.  My mommy instincts knew something wasn't right, all I wanted to do was hug Mayla and hold her close and be near my husband. Sunday came and the signs started coming, but it was Mother's Day and I ignored them, and went about my day. Today there was no ignoring them.

Hope was diminishing by early this morning, and I had to cling to Trust. I had to trust that God knew what he was doing, I had to trust that he had our lives in his hands, and I had to trust that everything WOULD be ok! It was a battlefield! Two songs came on the radio back to back. The first, Blessed be your name (lyrics above), and the second was called Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson (had never heard it before today).

"In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
you alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm
When my hope and dreams are far from me, and I'm running out of faith
I see the future I pictured slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name."

Today as I once again squeezed my hubbies hand during our ultrasound and sat and looked at a screen with a uterus with no heart beat, the tears of pain and heartache began pouring down my face. Dreams were broken, desires were shattered and the pain was intense. Once again I mourned the loss of another child and another part of my heart was broken! I clung to my husband as I sobbed and cried out to Jesus. I felt the wounds open and salt being poured in, once again surrendering to the fact that we are in control of only ONE thing and it's the way we respond to what is thrown at us in life! We stood there in that dim lit room holding each other, praying and being thankful we had one another. He was my strong tower, uttering over and over, "it's nothing you did, You did nothing wrong, it's not your fault!" When we married each other exactly 8 years ago today this was NOT where I envisioned we would be spending our anniversary. This is all so raw...this morning I was straying from everything you stray from when you are pregnant, tonight I'm drinking tea and had soft cheese, pregnancy rules out the window, and my heart, body, and mind trying to figure out how to bounce back from this.

Our #CELEBRATEEVERTYHING hashtag is once again being put into practice as we travel down another bumpy road filled with many obstacles. I'm beginning to think my white surrender flag isn't big enough to be seen!

Why us, why this baby, why again? I don't know and it's hard, but it's ok. What I do know the answer to is what now? I wake up tomorrow, I get out of bed, I love Will, I love Mayla,  I love others, I breathe and I find peace and comfort in God! Through the tears, I surrender and I submit, because God's got this!

Another Ellis baby in Heaven, Baby Feeah 

The missing piece

It was the one thing I had waited f so long for, but yet the one thing I really didn't want. I was saddened everyone else there had a name, and ours only had a decoration and maybe initials. But when I first saw it, I went numb. There, my daughters name was on a granite slab, next to all the others, two dates written on it, with not enough time in between those days, yet incredible that we were chosen to get two dates and not just one. The imprint of her feet were so perfect and so real, it felt like yesterday I was rubbing those sweet toes and adoring the size of her perfectly shaped feet! There is sat, so high on the ground, fresh, new, unblemished. Seeing that opened up the flood gates of tears, it now felt permanente. Yet within that moment there was joy and there was hope for how far I have come since we first got her diagnosis February of 2015. I was standing in a sacred space and proud that we conveyed on her headstone a very important message, every life matters!

This was a VERY interesting find online today. I had NO idea something like this existed. I was actually feeling like a proud mommy when i read this, almost like she made the cemetery honor roll. In all seriousness, I feel honored to have been chosen to be her mother! And her mother I will always be!

Decorated for Easter by our amazing Neighbors

This week has been hard on me. I have found myself holding her blanket more the past week than past months, trying to sniff out any smell that may possibly be remaining. Mayla was trying too. She grabbed her sisters blanket earlier this week, picked it up and said, 'OH MOMMY, it smells like Arabella'! She was jubilant with excitement, and I will have to admit, there was a sweet fragrance lingering in there that did smell like Arabella. I smiled and thanked God for that gift. My longing for her may come from missing my husband, who has been working insane hours and not around much, or from the budding Arabella tree we planted after we lost her, or just the changing of seasons, or just because that's grief, and it's unpredictable and will always be a part of me.

Mayla colored her first family portrait the other night at Ele's place. She JUST learned how to draw people (this was actually my first time seeing this new found ability of hers) and this constantly brings tears to my eyes, but I was so proud, I had to hang this HUGE masterpiece on our wall. 

PAPI, MOMMY, SMALL ARABELLA and MAYLA

May is Anencephaly awareness month. I came across the following picture and it captured my heart. We called Mayla our little warrior girl, and now we have an Anencephaly Warrior too! Arabella was a fighter all right....man how I miss her!

The holiday tomorrow is also a tough one; Mothers Day; my heart breaks for those who lost their mother too early, or the ones that have also suffered the loss of a child, a still birth, or the ones desperate to be mothers who are fighting hard for a chance to hear a little one utter their name. When I think of where we are at in our journey, I cry with one eye and smile with another. I am saddened over the ones we have in Heaven this Mothers day, it pulls at my heart strings as I'm so torn, yet rejoice over the gift of Mayla. Every day I realize she is a miracle. She has a beautiful scar to help remind me too, and every day I surrender her back to God. Her, Arabella and Lil BE never fully belong(ed) to us; no, they were/are on precious loan to us. This mothers day, I will celebrate though, because I have so much to be thankful for, there maybe tears, and there maybe longings, but there is so much hope, there is so much joy and there is so much rejoicing over what I have been given and what lies before me. #celebrateeverything

I have about 400 more things to blog about, millions of thoughts that have ran through my mind and the countless blogs I have wrote in my head during the last months, but I'm just going to fess up and say, they won't ever happen (there I feel better I admitted it outloud)....i'm still trying to work on all those wonderful thank yous that about 20,000 people deserve! I wish I could hug you all personally. This journey has been rough, the worst patch was around the 4-5 month mark. If you know someone suffering a loss, store this little fact and check in during that time. If they say they are fine, dig a little deeper and ask again. My support group has been off the charts, the one person I struggled with the most was myself. I was (and still have days, some weeks too many) that I was my worst fear! I got help! There, I admitted that too and that feels good as well! If I didn't I knew I would not be the wife Will needed/nor wanted or the mother that Mayla needed/ nor wanted or the sister I needed to be, or the daughter I needed to be, or the aunt I needed to be. I got help, anything and everything that could be holding me back from the past, present or future was talked about and i've healed greatly! I"m not perfect, and that's ok. I have limitations, and that's okay. I mess up daily, and that's ok, but i'm also learning to fess up sooner, heal better, be bigger, and love more. Mayla has heard me admit to her countless times lately that i'm sorry for failing her, and for letting her down. I'm explaining how far from perfect I am, and that's why we need Jesus, someone to teach us how to forgive so that we can freely forgive others! Who needs to hear you say that you forgive them? Something big, something small? What's holding you back from healing and restoration?

This road has been amazing, I have NO regrets and i'm proud to be a mommy of two amazing Warrior Girls! Happy Mother's Day and hugs to all the mommies who are struggling with how to feel this Mothers Day!