Cemetery and Heaven

I find myself driving down the road, lost in space thinking about Arabella. I see something and think, "I sure would love to show her that". I eat something and think, "I sure would love to share this with her". These thoughts are followed up with images, images of her in heaven seeing wonders much brighter and more majestic than anything our eyes can see; Tasting things more tasteful than even Swiss Chocolate. A paraphrase we have used frequently with Mayla is, 'Arabella probably won't even like an Oreo, because in Heaven, they have things that taste WAY BETTER than Oreo's. It's fun to start that imagery with her, and daily remind ourselves of the better that is to come. What is one thing that has changed for me after Arabella's passing? My incredible longing for Heaven; a safe place, a brighter place with colors we can't even fathom, a more loving place, a place filled with things that taste more amazing than even Swiss Chocolate and Oreo's, a place of no pain, a place where I will be complete.

Two amazing gifts we received, just around the time Arabella would have been one month old, were her birth certificate and social security card. They should have just come with the word, "MIRACLE" written on them. Two things I wasn't sure we would get, and for a few short hours Arabella led us to believe we might even get to put them to use as she was a fighter. Another huge gift that showed up recently were Arabella's 3D feet that our wonderfully amazing Hospice worker did for us. Have I mentioned there are some REALLY REALLY GOOD people in this world? WOW we are overwhelmed and humbled by 'people'. Or how about the people that recognized Will and I at Applebees and secretively picked up our tab for our dinner? GOOD PEOPLE. THANK YOU! Our mailbox has been full, or fridge has been full, our tummy's have been full, our hearts full, and our arms are void of our daughter, but filled with so many hugs and love from family, friends and strangers, THANK YOU! So, back to the feet......they are amazing. I had no expectations for them, per what our hospice worker told us. They can turn out, and they can't. I can't stop touching ours, they are so life like. The wrinkles, the toe nails, the softness, the size, the shape. They are Arabella.

Doesn't that look say it all?

This past Monday night, one month since Arabella left our arms, we wanted a special family night together and thought it would be fun, relaxing and enjoyable to plan a dinner out (especially since it was Will's first day back to work), and head to the cemetery for the first time. It just so happened that the people bringing us a meal that night provided 'date night meal'....aka Money for date night...SEE How cool God is? Mayla decided not to nap that day, which usually means, more not so happy moments during the evening hours. Her true colors showed through on the way to the restaurant and during the first 45 minutes at the restaurant. I remember thinking to myself at one point, 'why do I do this to myself? Have these expectations with a toddler!!!!!" We all survived dinner, barely, and even found some enjoyable moments.........
I knew Mayla would be utlra Sensitive going to the cemetery so I had to be creative...OREOS! We stopped by the grocery store, I sprinted in and grabbed some birthday cake oreo's (never had them). I was PRAYING the person at the check out wouldn't ask many questions, so I picked the check out with the male working:) and phew we only talked about all the different oreo flavors which I was happy I didn't know much about! We were on the way to the cemetery and Mayla kept saying she was going to stay in the car....and as we were pulling in she also said the most interesting thing she has ever said. 'Me not want to go there, people will get me'? I would LOVE LOVE to know what is behind that, I just started to pray for her! As we were walking to the grave site, I began to realize this was now part of our 'normal'. Part of us was there, and the walk from the car to where her casket laid was a walk we will do many times. Will and I saw the outlines of the freshly laid sod, still not connected to the other parts of the grass, almost like the way I feel. Just 'sitting' in this world, but not part of it, lately I don't feel part of anything, but kind of just hanging on. That sod represented newness, for all of us! The tears flowed as we remembered laying our sweet girl down in that dirt, but our hearts were filled with joy over the blessing of having known her, held her and been loved by her!

Even though that was the first time we had been to her grave, it was not the first time she had been visited. She had company before us and it warmed my heart, I actually sobbed over the gifts someone had placed there, such love, compassion and warmth flooded over me. Overwhelmed by people's love, and goodness, THANK YOU to Arabella's graveside visitor(s) and for the welcoming gift, you will NEVER know how much we appreciate YOU! Mayla blew the bubbles and we turned our Oreo eating party with Arabella into a bubble party. The difference between losing your first child, and losing your third child, with your second child fully present is a LOT. Will and I are not only trying to figure out how to walk this road ourselves, but how to bring Mayla along this road too. Will and I were crying and Mayla just looked at us and kept saying, "Mommy, Papi crying? You sad?" The poor girl, so much to try and comprehend as a three year old, as we stand there crying. She kept telling us she wanted to go in the ground too and lay by Arabella. I wasn't sure how to inform her that her talking like that was NOT helpful in that moment. It was sweet, but that thought was TOO much for me, burying one child is more than enough already!We blew bubbles, we laughed, we talked, we all held each other, we surrendered this new chapter in our lives ;this new place and we ate birthday cake Oreos and sang. We celebrate everything. Pulling out of the cemetery Mayla says to us, 'me want to sit with Arabella!' I replied, 'you want to sit with her?' In her cute little voice she said, 'UH HUH!" I said, 'well where do you want to sit with her?" With a matter of fact voice she says, 'Sit with Arabella and Jesus in Heaven.....wiff Mommy and Papi too!!!' We praise God for what our family has gone through, I wouldn't change anything to have these conversations with my daughter! We surrender!

I'm really beginning to wonder 'what does she see at that cemetery?'

The sunset was BEAUTIFUL

'Death where is your sting?' 'Be joyful always!'

How can one walk through suffering and not come out bitter and empty? One looks for God in the midst of the suffering. We hurt, we long, we ache, we have hard moments, hard days, but we have seen God through this whole journey, have felt God through this journey, have sought God out through this journey and have not only run to his arms but literally at times fallen at his feet! Life throws us junk, how have you been training yourself to deal with it? It's going to come and the chances are it will happen on more than one occasion, on more than one level. "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me (Jesus). Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33, the only real peace comes from God. Try searching and looking for it in whatever or in whoever you want. You won't find it. More things? Won't do it. Bigger things? Won't do it. More money? Won't do it. Our pastor once said, 'If you can't be content where you are now, what makes you think you can be content 'over there'? "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:12, 13

Invisible

Have you ever been asked that one strange but great question, 'if you could have one superhero's power, what would it be?' I have, and I use to think it would be great to teleport myself. While that one is still pretty darn cool, my latest superhero power desire is to have the ability to be invisible. This new desire started Sunday, and struck me out of nowhere. I've heard grieving is unpredictable, comes at you in different forms, and if allowed, washes over you. Well this past Sunday I not only felt the grief washing over me, but felt more like a tidal wave was engulfing me, and I was submerged below.

This past Saturday we packed up and came home from an amazing two week getaway. Our time at my uncle's place on Lake Leelanau, "Rediscovery" (how fitting is that title for a get away place), was relaxing, joyful, family filled, and enjoyable...but it was away; we escaped. Our days were spent deciding which beach to go to, what water activity Will would do (until he fractured his rib in two

Pre Fractured Rib

Also pre fractured Rib

 spots from a wicked slalom ski fall), if we should get ice cream from the freezer or the super cute ice cream store in the quaint town of Leland, or where we should take Mayla for a bike ride.
My biggest stress was watching everyone else have fun and be active in the unusually warm September weather we were having while I took it 'easy'. It was hard to sit back and watch. My arms were empty and my body showing all the signs of 'postpartum' and now I was in one of my favorite places in the world and unable to participate....I Surrender! Secretly, Will's injury a week into our time up there was a blessing to me, (SHHH, don't tell him). It meant he didn't have a week to gain on me in the watersports activities that we are rather competitive in:) I've already got a lot of of catching up to do, so having him by my side instead of behind the boat was nice! I love you sweetie:)

Coming home Saturday was rough. I was praying the whole way home about my attitude, what awaited us and just being back. We came home to no power, I wanted to scream. Each minute we sat at home unable to open our fridge/freezer and fully unpack I was growing more and more agitated.  It was just all too much for me at once. I sent Will and Mayla away to pick up a pizza and Praise the Lord it took a bit longer than it needed to, it allowed me to sit and just cry. It allowed me to pause and Pray, something I had forgotten about since we got home, complaining and being a crabby pants seemed easier; when it was only worse for everyone. How selfish of me, I wept and prayed and asked forgiveness and minutes later the power was on, they were back with Pizza and I hugged my husband and asked his forgiveness. It's amazing how fast our tongue, emotions, and thoughts can ruin everyone else, wipe the ground right out from under them. GRACE!! Thank you for grace!

Sunday morning just before getting ready for church I decided to open up a gift from a dear friend from Switzerland. In it she had included an extremely beautifully written note. Her words struck me straight in the depths of my heart and I sobbed as I read it. I have not been around her in almost 2 years, but she was speaking such truth, and everything she wrote was sinking deep. The river of tears was officially open and little did I know the flood that was about to spring forth from them. We jumped in the car and eagerly headed to church, I tried to suppress any thoughts or feelings that were stewing and only focus on Mayla and her excitement over a new classroom and new name tag she would be getting. We pulled into the parking lot that wasn't too full yet and all scurried on our way. Plan being Will bring Mayla potty while I searched for her name on the board with all the others. I walked in and instantly my eyes were fixated on the little spot up against the wall where we had Arabella's casket for her heaven party; the emotions were getting closer to the top now, like a pot of boiling potatoes about to boil over. I took a deep breath and smiled at Mayla people watching while Will tried to hurry her to the potty. 'I GOT THIS',  I thought to myself (fake it until you make it approach going on here). I found Mayla's name faster than I wanted to on the board and took a step back, hunkered against the wall, my eyes laser beamed in on the name tag, staring, begging God to make me invisible. A dear lady approached me who has showered so much love on me and I just lost it on her. I was so happy to see her, but also wanted to run at the same time. I had no idea how to handle the emotions that had seemed to take over my body and mind. After a few minutes, she left and I was back to zoning out on Mayla's name tag. I was relieved to see Mayla bouncing down the hall way and Will, my strong tower. I caved into him and told Him I didn't want to see another person I knew at church that night, a completely odd feeling for me as I normally LOVE going to church to see all the people I know, hug them and chat with them! And here I was, wanting to run, hide, blend into the walls and be invisible. I couldn't make it from Mayla's classroom to the sanctuary without running into one more person and after I left her, I felt like a mean disinterested friend. Who am I? What was this all about? Is this my new normal? What's next? Do I have a disorder? I felt like two people in one, I was confused! Walking into that sanctuary I went numb. Flashback after flashback played before my eyes, all I could see was Arabella's name on the screen (it wasn't), all I could hear was the music that was played at her Heaven Party, it was all around me yet all I could feel was emptiness. Tears that started as a few drops were soon falling fast down my cheeks and being absorbed as they hit my shirt. Completely broken. I sat and wept and I was screaming on the inside when we were asked to greet and say hello to the random strangers around us. The guy in front of me turned around and with the most questionable and empathetic look on his face he uttered a reserved hello, i'm not sure I even said a word. Invisible, I wanted to crawl into a hole. We started singing, truthfully, I wanted nothing to do with it, I tried, but it was as if all my energy was helping me stand. I also was angry, angry that Jesus had Arabella in HIS hands and the only place I wanted her at that moment was in MY hands. I cried out to Him, I told Him how mad I was, how empty I felt and alone. I told him how annoyed I was that a baby's number kept popping up on the screen over and over for the parent to come and get that child and how LONG that number stayed there, reminding me over and over that Arabella will never have a number, I will never even have the chance to be called to come and get her. God heard from me Sunday morning in a real, honest, deep way, and you know what's interesting? He listened, He took it. He created me and He cares! What I learned in that moment of complete openness is how in my outpouring of emotions to God, my appreciation for him grew more. I may have been a mess, but God doesn't care, He died for the messes, and the masses, of the world. Grace!! Thank you for grace!!!

Our 'Arabella Tree' 

We continue to be overwhelmed by the outpouring and love of so many people; loved ones, acquaintances, friends, and complete strangers! We've gotten BEAUTIFUL artwork from a lady we've never met, a book from an author whom we don't know, emails and mail from people that start it off by, 'you don't know me, but....'. People we have only talked to one or two times stepping up and loving on us like we have been friends for life....we stand in awe, we stand in wonder and we stand humbly before you. A simple thank you or a hug or a card doesn't even seem to do justice! PEOPLE are GOOD!!! Our mail man doesn't know what to think! One gift we received was to a Gardening/landscape store. When I first opened it up and read it, I mentioned to Will, 'how cool would it be to get a windchime.' I had never been to this place before though and thought, 'Keri that is a silly idea, they won't have those, so think of something else.' Well we had already been gifted a tree from our neighborhood so we knew that was out, so our next thought was either a nice bench or an Ebenezer stone for our yard! We walked around for about an hour and 45 minutes, looking also at new landscaping ideas for the side of our house that was full of weeds and half dead ferns. We agreed on two options and one I'm SO excited about for the name of the flower. We are planting life around our house called 'Autumn Joy'. A WONDERFUL reminder in the fall when we see the beautiful buds to be joyful, even after the summer is over and we have lost our Arabella. We then walked into the store and guess what? OUR WINDCHIME, there itwas! It has the most beautiful sound, we hung it on our house immediately when we got home and you should hear it ring throughout. Our Arabella is around and in every part of this house, the sound echoes through like the cooing of a newborn baby and warms my heart. "He restores my soul". 

How am I surviving each day? Some days suck, some days are up and down, some days are fantastic, but every day this Psalm says the same thing, and every day My God is the same God no matter what the circumstances of life are. Therefore I'm not basing my life on my circumstances, but on my God. Psalm 18:2. The Lord is my ROCK. My fortress and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

'Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path' Psalm 119:105

HOPE

Some Lake Michigan hang time..till the rain came in!

"Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave from it." Proverbs 22:6

You can Dance!!!

I've been reminded through the bible, through songs, and through others that God sees every tear. It's comforting, but lately there has been more smiles than tears. I know the tears will come, and they have been there, but there has been SOOOOO many happy moments lately, I'm just going with it! I know this grieving process is different for everyone. I know it's unpredictable, and I've already experienced that. Our hearts are full of joy! Today we celebrated two weeks ago that our sweet Arabella was born. I looked at photos, I longed for her, but I was elated over getting the opportunity to meet her, to love on her, to know her. We are still trying to process the fact that we have a daughter buried in the ground, I really don't know if I can comprehend this yet. Being away is so nice and it's busy and it's relaxing and we are just moving with it, and allowing God to be where he needs to be with us each moment, and trusting Him that he will give us what we need each moment; for now it's smiles, giggles, sunshine, water time, and an extreme amount of family bonding! We wanted more than anything for Arabella to be with us, and the biggest struggle I had was leaving to come up to the lake, without her in a car seat. I almost didn't want to leave home! Just as the suitcases and last of our 'stuff' was heading out the door I quickly ran and grabbed her blanket from the table. The thought of leaving that behind was too much to bear and in the suitcase it went. We can't bring her, so I at least wanted that to come! The night before we left I sat with that blanket and just wept. The smell of her has left the blanket and I wept over that. I prayed and begged God to make the memories, the visuals, the way she felt, the way she smelled to be something that is forever engrained in my horrible memory head! 

Two weeks ago tonight we were holding her, sharing her, loving on her, feeding her, cuddling her, and staring at her. It's amazing to think what has happened in those two weeks, what we had and what we have lost! Yet through it all we praise God, we throw our arms up in celebration, we jump and we dance! We have been teaching Mayla that no matter what the day throws our way, that we can dance in the rain. She has NEVER liked to dance, the night we told her Arabella was at home in Jesus' arms we went to the parking lot and we all danced, Mayla even shook her thang. We started to tell her even if it was raining we could dance, even if it was storming, we could dance! She dances all over the place now. She will be walking and just start dancing, arms moving side to side and hips in the opposite direction. She's catching on that even though there are tantrums, and she doesn't get her way, and life's not fair, and bad things happen to good people, that life is worth dancing over! She's not even three years old! Life WILL be hard at times; you can dance, Life WILL suck at times; you can dance, Life WILL be full of storms; you can dance! Life IS a gift; you can dance!!!!

God is God of Every Story, and this is where we are at in our story:

In our Happy Place! 

Working on Mayla's wakeboarding form:) She's a little obsessed and wants to go 'to the beach' every day to practice! 

Mayla's happy place, on a swing! She could swing for hours. 

Breakfast on the boat.

He doesn't have time for breakfast, he's been playing a bit too hard!

Trying to get in as many kisses as we can. She's on loan to us, and we are THANKFUL!

She never wants to go home.....PURE JOY!

PURE MICHIGAN, NO FILTER:) WE DANCE!