Baby Nani is still with us......

Some days I struggle with moving forward. I want to stay wrapped up in my favorite fleece orange super soft blanket and lay the day away. I want ice cream for breakfast, followed up by steaming hot chocolate with stiff peaks of whipped topping. I want to cry and mourn and escape my story by reading and rereading what others have been through and trying to forget about my heart ache for a while. Yesterday was just that day, I didn't want to leave the house and face what the day was going throw our way. I didn't want to make choices and I didn't want to have to think.

As I was sitting doing devo's yesterday morning, I was looking for a new spot in my journal to start journaling. As I turned page after page I stumbled upon baby number one's first and only ultrasound picture, I paused slowly, smiled inside, frowned inside, and carried on, not wanting to be bogged down with emotions and trying to stay focused I numbed my heart and turned the page. However, words on the next few pages were captivating me and holding me hostage, I felt like I was locked in, and unable to just 'pass by'. It was where Mayla's story had begun, with me journaling about the new found love that was growing inside me. It was a story of mending, I was once so broken and shattered and he gave us a gift of life again, after having taken the first. The words continued to flow from page to page and I continued to be allured! The reading/reflecting/remembering lasted way longer than I had time for and started to bring tears that, unbeknownst to me, would last the WHOLE day.

If you are one of the people I saw or talked to on the phone yesterday, you know what i'm talking about and I thought about apologizing here, but instead I want to say THANK YOU, thank you for your grace, and for being what I needed in that moment and for the way you handled me! I was utterly shocked many times I never heard a 'click' on the other end in between the sobs.

We had our follow up appointment with my doctor yesterday, first time seeing her since she had received the news. I don't know her well at all, and this was only my second time seeing her, so I really had NO idea what kind of mannerism to expect from her! I walked in with an open mind, and of course, crying. The nurse came and grabbed us, started asking questions and I wanted to leave. She was so upbeat and cheery and happy and then wham, our news. You could tell she was searching the digitized chart frantically, probably wondering the same thing I was...WHY ISN"T THERE A BIG RED FLAG ON THIS CHART TO WARN PEOPLE???!!!!!! Her next question was, 'have you decided what you are going to do?' Without hesitation I said, 'yes we are without a doubt keeping the baby'. She responded with 'Good for you!!" I will never forget those words. For the first time I felt like someone in the medical profession was giving us credit for doing the right thing! Not that I needed that, but it felt good! Moments later the doctor came in with the most empathetic look on her face and my heart was warmed. It was in times like that, I can imagine that being in her shoes is not a place she wants to be! We talked about a lot of things, and It was one of those times where sitting there, I thought to myself, 'is this really happening, are we really here talking about this? Are we already talking about the possibility of delivering a still born child??" We wanted to mourn, we wanted to mourn the dreams that won't come true, we wanted to mourn the heartbeat that we may some day never get to hold, we wanted to mourn at the thought of Mayla not being a big sister to this child that's growing inside. We wanted to mourn for the loss we felt, yet when we heard the heart beat we also wanted to celebrate. It was the gift of life growing inside and another opportunity to love like no other!  Baby Nani was with us another day, that's worth celebrating. God has every one of our days numbered it tells us in the bible. We don't know the number, and some times that's hard, but i'm glad because I want to keep living, loving, forgiving like it's the last.

Our OB doctor has had a LOT to live up to, since we feel like our Swiss doc was by far the nicest, best OB in the whole world. From day one the doctor here didn't stand much of a chance, but yesterday she won me over and I feel like I have one more friend. She really was at a loss yesterday, and even at one point in time, after staring at the computer screen for what seemed like hours without saying anything, pulled away, looked up at us and said, 'I know you guys know this, but it's really really just NOT FAIR, You have been through so much already with your last daughter, and now this!" By this time I was sobbing in the chair beside her and all I could do at that time was nod my head and agree. She was right, it's not fair, but by me complaining about it, or getting wrapped up in the fact that my close friend is pregnant due at almost the same time as me, or by dwelling on how we have been through enough, am I going to change reality? By no means! It would be so easy for me to play that game, the 'not so fair game' I call it! But I know where that would take me, down down down down. You would all be visiting me and baby Nani in a rest home, aka the funny farm. And honestly, I do struggle with this from time to time, the worst lately when I see pregnant ladies further along than me and think to myself, 'Is their baby healthy? I bet they have already picked out their 'going home outfit' and are able to hold tight to their dreams for their little one. I don't even think I will need a 'going home outfit', instead we will be going to the hospital wondering what we would burry our baby in and do they really make caskets for 6 lb, 19 inch babies?  Everyone has the opportunity to play the 'not so fair game' in life. We all have situations in life, big or small that we can apply this to, is it really worth it I ask you? Or is it better to surrender, realize you are not in control and find a way to be a better and bigger person for what you have been dealt?

We did genetic testing via my blood at the doctor as well; technology is crazy what they can learn from blood, we will actually get to find out the sex of the baby in about 7-10 days from them taking my blood....CRAZY! We are excited about this. It tests for 3 other genetic differences as well, and we have decided we will do further testing on baby Nani whenever God decides to take that life.

Each week I carry baby Nani, it's another week closer to full term, and another week stronger that baby Nani will get. A lot of you have asked,  "what's the chance you'll miscarry and what's the chance you will carry full term. Which is a great question. It's NO doubt that anencephaly will always be fatal, but i'm reading that the chances to be able to hold the baby in our arms is good! More pregnancies go full term than miscarry.

I struggle with balancing my emotions throughout a day and balancing my thoughts from mourning to celebrating. And I know as I get bigger this will only become more of a struggle. Being pregnant is not something I can hide, and strangers will soon start to notice and possibly even ask questions. I've already felt the tiny flutters of this beautiful life inside me and as we start to feel kicks, and see movement, it will no doubt be harder. Your prayers are felt, appreciated and welcomed more than we could possibly convey with our words!

13 weeks in this pic (and No I was not standing on a ledge here)

Still smiling, still loving, still laughing...

Baby Nani journey

The four days that have passed since we last wrote have seemed like weeks in our eyes. At times we are still in disbelief, other times we are worn thin and unable to even comprehend what’s happening.

Friday after our appointment we were scheduled to watch my sisters kids while she went out of town, we smile at God’s timing! Being with them gave Mayla playmates, allowing me to take in every text, every facebook message, every call, and every email and really feel the love and support around us. I was blown away by how fast people reached out, lifted us, spread the word to other prayer warriors they knew, and put us on church prayer lists. As I proceeded to read message after message, tears continued to flow down my cheeks, onto the laptop, and onto the counter. This story was becoming far more than Will, myself and baby Nani, it was starting to be about all you as well and about another little baby that came to this earth so many years ago.

Saturday we decided to try and make the day fun for the kids (and for us) and headed to the Detroit boat show, yes in that crazy snow storm. I was so torn on going, part of me wanted to stay in my baggy sweat pants, baggy sweat shirt, and just sit and sleep the day away, being responsible for no one or no thing. Another part of me wanted a distraction, to keep my mind busy on other things, and of course I knew my hubby would love it, along with Mayla who said, “yesch’ enthusiastically to seeing boats, we couldn’t deny that! We got in the car, prayed for our trip and explained to our little firecracker Mayla we would be in the car for a LONG LONG time (I had a rather big fear of this as she normally can’t even handle a 10 minute ride across town).

Mayla was an absolute rock star, a complete gift from God, and of course our niece and nephew were stellar too. Seeing boats, smelling boats, touching boats, watching a wakeboard show, and hearing the laughter and lightheartedness that took place inside that building was exactly what the doctor ordered. I felt exhausted, but carried in the palm of God’s hand, and knew we were right where God wanted us in that moment!

Summer time in the back seat, all smiles after the boat show

By Sunday night Will and I hadn’t uttered too many words to each other about what had taken place, and you could tell we were both in need of connecting and being raw with one another, so we called in my mom to help out with the munchkin while we went for some therapeutic donuts and steamy hot chocolate!   It was so refreshing to hear his thoughts and be real with the one who stays by my side in everything. We shed tears together, held each other, laughed together and prayed together. We had so many beautiful moments in those couple of hours, I really wish we could have recorded it and added it to our files to reflect back upon.

We sat, both of us somber, the distractions had slowed down and reality was hitting us, and we opened up.
We were in a state of mourning, as if we had been told we already lost our baby, but yet that was not the case. We were trying to figure out how to feel, what to feel and what this road would look like.

Monday morning I had to call the doctors office to inform them of our decision and get my appointment with the doctor moved up. I surprised myself when I completely held it together with the nurse as I uttered the words out loud, “our baby has anencephaly, we will continue to carry our baby for as long as God chooses’. The words flowed from my mouth as if I had been saying it for years, the peace was surprising, almost as if it wasn’t me but someone else talking! I had a few questions for the doctor, so the nurse said they would get back to me after they talked with her. Ten minutes later my phone rang and to my surprise it was my doctor herself calling to apologize and see how I was doing. Normally this alone would open up the tear ducts, but that same peace flooded over me again. The Doctor asked once again, ‘are you really sure you want to continue on with this pregnancy?’ I didn’t hesitate and replied, ‘my husband and I recognize this baby as a real life from God and will continue on as long as He chooses!’ She paused for what seemed like awhile and then said, ‘ok’.  My one big question to her was what would a miscarriage look like at this time and second question, would I be able to pack my bags and continue on the planned Phoenix trip we had scheduled for the next day! She gave me the green light and it was then I wanted to cry and jump up and down at the same time! We scheduled an appointment for three days after I arrive back. We will be doing the blood genetic testing via me at that time and discussing the pregnancy overall.

Monday night we were just putting Mayla to bed when we heard an unusual beeping in the house somewhere. Will ran through the upstairs not finding anything and then it hit us, DOWNSTAIRS! For Christmas, as a random stocking stuffer, I had purchased a water leak alarm for our basement…that thing WORKS (can be purchased at Ace Hardware, highly recommend it, in no way am I affiliated with them). It was like a dam had opened up in our hot water heater and water was pooling fast in the basement! Mayla was thrown in bed (literally) and we went to work at 8pm at night; just what our weary, worn out, exhausted, not-packed bodies felt like doing! We left home yesterday and headed for Chicago for the night and boy was our basement spotless...My grandma would be proud!

Staying in Chicago for the night before our flight left today was the right idea. We only traveled in part of a snow storm and got to spend an amazing almost 3 hours with friends we have not seen since we left Switzerland two years ago.  Thankful for that time we had with them is an understatement, once again healing and refreshing and a gift from God!

Warmth and Sunshine here we come.

Right now I’m sitting on a plane next to the love of my life heading to Phoenix, Arizona. Will has a work thing for 2.5 days and I will be in the company of some extremely close friends, more like family! The thought of that coupled with the sunshine and warmth puts a smile on my face! We will return Monday night back to the tundra. This trip couldn’t have been timed better, and once again we smile at God and say thank you!

A lot of you have been sending messages not really knowing what to say, that’s ok, we don’t know what to say either, but we love the messages and knowing you are praying and thinking of us means the world to us. At times I feel like it’s not my energy that’s keeping me going, but all of your energy and prayers for me that keep me lifted up and able to continue on! Mayla is a good distraction for me too, and I feel like this has left me wanting to be a better parent to her, she’s a gift and one I feel some times I take for granted, I’m working on that and my prayer is that no matter what happens with baby Nani, I continue striving to be the best for Mayla. She already has a unique bond with this baby and once again in the middle of dinner Monday night, unsolicited by anything we said, Mayla decided Baby Nani needed some prayers! And so we put down our forks and prayed!

Since the first time Mayla called baby Nani by name, I had been meaning to look up the origin of that name, and in the times I thought about doing it, the timing was never right. Praising God for a friend who felt led to look it up for us and message us the meaning. Depending on the origin it either means Grace or Beauty. We were blown away when I read those words and speechless! We couldn’t have come up with better names ourselves for the life growing inside! God’s grace is abundant, and undeserved…His grace is new every morning!! No matter the path God takes our family on, life is beautiful and it’s a gift. Many times I wrestle with the idea of going through a whole 9 months of pregnancy carrying a baby we have heard is not compatible with life, and possibly losing it when it’s minutes old and those thoughts hurt, or losing it just days away from 9 months. Other times I’m thankful for each day I get this gift of life growing inside me and I’m thankful God chose Will and I to be parents of this little one, no matter what that looks like! So far I’ve been told this pregnancy is different than majority of every other females, and for days I believed that and was burned by it..but really is it? Did any female out there really know what the outcome of her pregnancy was going to be? No. So despite knowing some things about the pregnancy, it’s the same, I act the same, I eat the same, I treat my body the same, and I love the same, like it’s the last day!

Keri's tummy is growing.....

The timing seemed perfect, we were as mentally ready to proceed forward as we could be, and we were excited when we got confirmation from God that it was time to ‘work’ on expanding our family! We eagerly stopped the pill and in what seemed like the blink of an eye the pregnancy test had two lines, confirming what I had been feeling for weeks! The excitement overcame us as we praised God and instantly dedicated the new life over to God,  and started preparing for what this journey would look like. We started moving the baby changing station, emptying the ‘new babies closet, getting Mayla’s room more ‘big girl’ ready and embracing the new life inside me! We shared the news with Mayla who came up with the womb name:‘baby Nani’ a name that stuck and a name we heard uttered from Mayla’s lips on multiple occasions throughout each day!

Baby Nani was the only person Mayla ever wanted to us to pray for, leading us to believe she already was developing a sister bond with her new sibling and knew something we didn’t! Days and weeks went by with the common pregnancy nausea and extreme fatigue, all signs I welcomed as I knew these meant good things for the first trimester. Yesterday was our scheduled heart beat appointment and I walked in nervous, but excited to have some confirmation. The heart beat was tricky to find, but then the wonderful beautiful sound appeared and it was strong and perfect! I let out a big sigh, smiled a big smile of congrats as I looked at the new Papi and fell more in love!

Today we had another appointment with maternal fetal medicine. Mayla's heart condition has raised the risk for it happening again, so they want to keep a better eye on it and more frequently and in Switzerland I was on daily blood thinning shots during Mayla's whole pregnancy for a blood disorder I have and we needed to discuss doing that with this pregnancy as well as there seems to be some differences the way things are done. The appointment in my opinion was going wonderfully, and when we saw our little one kicking and moving and nothing ‘funny’ looking like our first pregnancy ultrasound, yes Mayla was our second, we were relieved, light hearted and in a celebratory mood! The ultrasound tech told us the baby was measuring perfectly for 12 weeks, heart beat was 155 beats per minute, and the heart looked as good as it could look at 12 weeks. After taking multiple photos she said she needed to go talk to the doctor to see if the doctor wanted to have any more photos…..out she went and there we sat laughing, smiling, dreaming. The Doctor walked in with a resident doctor, followed by the nurse. She started asking me questions about Mayla and how she was doing as she grabbed the wand and began ‘looking’ around. She was focused in on one part of the baby and one part only. I knew it wasn’t the heart and started wondering what was going on. She put everything back, leaned in closer to us and we will NEVER forget the words she said, ‘your baby has a serious problem. It has a fatal condition called anencephaly’. My mind went blank, my body froze and whatever that word meant, I knew I hated it. I began blocking her out, thinking it was a bad dream, I just saw our baby kicking and squirming and knew she had to be wrong. I wanted to pack up my bag, make a new appointment and leave the building, but all of a sudden I felt locked in and kept hearing her talk about our baby and what options were before us! And out of A, B, C, and D we wanted an E option..NONE OF THE ABOVE!!!! I started shaking and sobbing, and told myself this was real, and based on how hard Will was crying next to me, I knew he understood too and it wasn’t a bad dream that was going to end any time soon! Our babies skull has not formed when it’s something that normally happens within the first month, meaning the brain is fully exposed. Apart from that, the baby is perfect. The doctors presented us with an ‘option’ to terminate or continue the pregnancy, to do genetic testing through the womb at different weeks throughout the pregnancy or genetic testing after the baby was still born or died, or through my blood now. There is NO question for Will and I about terminating the pregnancy, God gave us this child, there is a full healthy heart beat, two legs, two arms, two hands and two feet, we saw them all fluttering about, this is a God given life and a gift to us already that we will choose to keep for as long as God allows us to keep! This could be another day, 4 more months, a day or two after we deliver or a month. We have hope, and we believe in miracles and know we serve a God bigger than we can imagine. We also have crushed dreams, broken hearts, and many questions that may not be answered till our time on earth comes to a close. Will and I held each other in that room, cried, balled, prayed and held each other some more as we continued to whisper over and over through the sobs, ‘I’m sorry, I love you, I’m so sorry, I love you!’

We mustered enough energy to put on our coats, head out to the elevator and down to the parking garage. The way I was leaving the building was NOT what I had envisioned when I first walked in, and I hated it! I turned the corner from the elevator to head to my car and the cold bitter wind blew through the parking garage straight through my body and I sobbed, I shook, and I cried out loud to God. I got in the car and saw baby items I had received from my sister and wanted to scream; baby items our child would not be able to use.

Now begins the waiting, when will it happen, how big will our baby get, will he/she make it through the whole pregnancy and get to meet the world, what will delivery look like, the questions continue to flood our minds. And of course the guilt Satan wants me to feel. Trying to get me to believe this was because of something I did or didn’t do. My mind has been put through the ringer today as I continue to do battle that this was nothing I am responsible for.

We have been pregnant three times, and all three pregnancies had complications. What we have learned from this while holding Mayla today is that she is a bigger miracle than what we have ever thought before! 

This song came on the radio yesterday while I was driving, and Mayla for the first time tried to sing along to a song, and of course one of my favorites.

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

God is with us during all times, but even in times of hardships, when the waters rise around us, He will be with us. I will rest in His embrace and when fear surrounds me, which it WILL do, I will remember he has never failed me nor forsaken me and he won’t start now! I will trust and I will embrace!!!