Baby Nani is still with us......

Some days I struggle with moving forward. I want to stay wrapped up in my favorite fleece orange super soft blanket and lay the day away. I want ice cream for breakfast, followed up by steaming hot chocolate with stiff peaks of whipped topping. I want to cry and mourn and escape my story by reading and rereading what others have been through and trying to forget about my heart ache for a while. Yesterday was just that day, I didn't want to leave the house and face what the day was going throw our way. I didn't want to make choices and I didn't want to have to think.

As I was sitting doing devo's yesterday morning, I was looking for a new spot in my journal to start journaling. As I turned page after page I stumbled upon baby number one's first and only ultrasound picture, I paused slowly, smiled inside, frowned inside, and carried on, not wanting to be bogged down with emotions and trying to stay focused I numbed my heart and turned the page. However, words on the next few pages were captivating me and holding me hostage, I felt like I was locked in, and unable to just 'pass by'. It was where Mayla's story had begun, with me journaling about the new found love that was growing inside me. It was a story of mending, I was once so broken and shattered and he gave us a gift of life again, after having taken the first. The words continued to flow from page to page and I continued to be allured! The reading/reflecting/remembering lasted way longer than I had time for and started to bring tears that, unbeknownst to me, would last the WHOLE day.

If you are one of the people I saw or talked to on the phone yesterday, you know what i'm talking about and I thought about apologizing here, but instead I want to say THANK YOU, thank you for your grace, and for being what I needed in that moment and for the way you handled me! I was utterly shocked many times I never heard a 'click' on the other end in between the sobs.

We had our follow up appointment with my doctor yesterday, first time seeing her since she had received the news. I don't know her well at all, and this was only my second time seeing her, so I really had NO idea what kind of mannerism to expect from her! I walked in with an open mind, and of course, crying. The nurse came and grabbed us, started asking questions and I wanted to leave. She was so upbeat and cheery and happy and then wham, our news. You could tell she was searching the digitized chart frantically, probably wondering the same thing I was...WHY ISN"T THERE A BIG RED FLAG ON THIS CHART TO WARN PEOPLE???!!!!!! Her next question was, 'have you decided what you are going to do?' Without hesitation I said, 'yes we are without a doubt keeping the baby'. She responded with 'Good for you!!" I will never forget those words. For the first time I felt like someone in the medical profession was giving us credit for doing the right thing! Not that I needed that, but it felt good! Moments later the doctor came in with the most empathetic look on her face and my heart was warmed. It was in times like that, I can imagine that being in her shoes is not a place she wants to be! We talked about a lot of things, and It was one of those times where sitting there, I thought to myself, 'is this really happening, are we really here talking about this? Are we already talking about the possibility of delivering a still born child??" We wanted to mourn, we wanted to mourn the dreams that won't come true, we wanted to mourn the heartbeat that we may some day never get to hold, we wanted to mourn at the thought of Mayla not being a big sister to this child that's growing inside. We wanted to mourn for the loss we felt, yet when we heard the heart beat we also wanted to celebrate. It was the gift of life growing inside and another opportunity to love like no other!  Baby Nani was with us another day, that's worth celebrating. God has every one of our days numbered it tells us in the bible. We don't know the number, and some times that's hard, but i'm glad because I want to keep living, loving, forgiving like it's the last.

Our OB doctor has had a LOT to live up to, since we feel like our Swiss doc was by far the nicest, best OB in the whole world. From day one the doctor here didn't stand much of a chance, but yesterday she won me over and I feel like I have one more friend. She really was at a loss yesterday, and even at one point in time, after staring at the computer screen for what seemed like hours without saying anything, pulled away, looked up at us and said, 'I know you guys know this, but it's really really just NOT FAIR, You have been through so much already with your last daughter, and now this!" By this time I was sobbing in the chair beside her and all I could do at that time was nod my head and agree. She was right, it's not fair, but by me complaining about it, or getting wrapped up in the fact that my close friend is pregnant due at almost the same time as me, or by dwelling on how we have been through enough, am I going to change reality? By no means! It would be so easy for me to play that game, the 'not so fair game' I call it! But I know where that would take me, down down down down. You would all be visiting me and baby Nani in a rest home, aka the funny farm. And honestly, I do struggle with this from time to time, the worst lately when I see pregnant ladies further along than me and think to myself, 'Is their baby healthy? I bet they have already picked out their 'going home outfit' and are able to hold tight to their dreams for their little one. I don't even think I will need a 'going home outfit', instead we will be going to the hospital wondering what we would burry our baby in and do they really make caskets for 6 lb, 19 inch babies?  Everyone has the opportunity to play the 'not so fair game' in life. We all have situations in life, big or small that we can apply this to, is it really worth it I ask you? Or is it better to surrender, realize you are not in control and find a way to be a better and bigger person for what you have been dealt?

We did genetic testing via my blood at the doctor as well; technology is crazy what they can learn from blood, we will actually get to find out the sex of the baby in about 7-10 days from them taking my blood....CRAZY! We are excited about this. It tests for 3 other genetic differences as well, and we have decided we will do further testing on baby Nani whenever God decides to take that life.

Each week I carry baby Nani, it's another week closer to full term, and another week stronger that baby Nani will get. A lot of you have asked,  "what's the chance you'll miscarry and what's the chance you will carry full term. Which is a great question. It's NO doubt that anencephaly will always be fatal, but i'm reading that the chances to be able to hold the baby in our arms is good! More pregnancies go full term than miscarry.

I struggle with balancing my emotions throughout a day and balancing my thoughts from mourning to celebrating. And I know as I get bigger this will only become more of a struggle. Being pregnant is not something I can hide, and strangers will soon start to notice and possibly even ask questions. I've already felt the tiny flutters of this beautiful life inside me and as we start to feel kicks, and see movement, it will no doubt be harder. Your prayers are felt, appreciated and welcomed more than we could possibly convey with our words!

13 weeks in this pic (and No I was not standing on a ledge here)

Still smiling, still loving, still laughing...