I feel like writing to express and share so much, however when I just sat down on our comfy red couch to type, I just stared at this screen, my brain was working, sending signals but it was as if my hands were not able to respond, and here I sit in the darkness, feeling the bitter chill around me, not knowing where to start or what to say, but just sitting.......
That part was friday night, I was lost, frustrated, and more in the mood to scream then write, here we are Monday night and part of me still feels that same way. I knew this road would be tough, some times I feel I can plan for it, other times i'm caught off guard as if another arrow has been thrown at my chest, friday was one of those days!
Friday my phone rang mid morning and seeing 'GYNO' pop across the screen actually left me nervous and smiling at the same time. It had been 8 days since I had the genetic blood test done, but to me, the difference from having it to when that phone call arrived, felt like weeks. With anticipation and apprehension in my voice I answered. I was a bit shocked to hear the same apprehension in the nurses voice. She started to apologize and I knew it was not good. I looked for a pen and headed for the nearest seat, figuring I would want to be seated for this. She proceeded with telling me that something went wrong at the lab and I needed to come back again for more blood work. WHAT?? WHY ME??? The first time was no fun, the waiting to hear was no fun, and now I was needing to go through it all again?! So, today was appointment number two for the blood work and I was only there 40 minutes for this process (GRRR)....The original nurse who called me back was a bit confused how to process some things and went for help. She THANKFULLY brought back the girl that originally took my blood, was I happy to see her. I am a nurses' WORST blood drawing nightmare with veins that are as thin as string, and tend to jump (yup mine can do that, talent I know). What you need to know about me at this point in time is that over the years, I have come to despise having blood drawn as it usually ends in both arms being used multiple times, moving the needle around and more pricks than should be allowed, followed by pain and bruising that lasts for days......and last time this girl that was now standing in front of me nailed it, so I was a bit relieved. She explained a few things to the other girl, gave me a nice frown face for having to be there again, and told me an interesting fact. I was her first 'ginny pig' when I originally had this test done a week and a half ago, however after me, she saw 4 more ladies that day for the same blood draw test. She then informed me that I was the only one that had come back in. I'm sure you can tell how much this comforted me!! She started the blood draw and I was relieved to see it pooling in the long tube, she filled the first one, then grabbed the second one, I continued to watch and was highly saddened when my vein just stopped 'pushing' out blood. It was like that vein was empty. She pulled the tube out, looked at it, then put it back in, waiting, watching, nothing was happening. She pulled it out again, looked at it and put it back in, this time moving the needle a little (yes, one of my least favorite moments) and still NOTHING! She pulled it out and said, 'this SHOULD be enough'. Instantly I was playing the next phone call over in my head that will probably be coming in about 9 days and I can picture it going a little something like this, 'Keri, it's Nancy from Dr. Lally's office, i'm really sorry but there was a problem with your lab work, there was not enough blood for them to do run your test and we need to have you back again'! HA! I may sound cynical here, but I am actually typing this with a smile on my face!!! Just trying to prepare...
I've been having up and down moments since Friday and a lot has taken place in my head. I feel like my left shoulder has been weighted down with this stupid little red dude, while my right shoulder has been lifted high with an angelic white man sitting on it. They have been battling it out, all the while I feel like i'm watching a tennis match pinging back and forth. Recently I stumbled upon a verse that says, "Be happy in your hope. Do not give up when trouble comes. Do not let anything stop you from praying." Romans 12:12. This verse is powerful for the situation we find ourselves in right now, but also leads me to another one. "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NLT. These verses stop me DEAD in my tracks. The words ALWAYS, NEVER, and ALL are extremely powerful words. It does not say in either verse, if it's too hard you can quit, if it's too hard it means I don't love you, be joyful only when things are going your way and you're happy! NADA, not in there! So it begs the question, what situation in your life aren't you thankful for that maybe you should try being thankful for?? These are tough bible verses, I will be the first to admit that. I don't want to be joyful when I think of the possibility of only holding a dead baby and not a live one in my arms, I don't want to give thanks when I think of Mayla not being able to help me feed baby Nani a bottle, or change her diaper or witness her being an older sister to baby Nani. These thoughts hurt me at my core and cause me to weep. But some how through the tears, through the pain through the questions, I am thankful and I will be joyful. 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.' Proverbs 3:5 NLT. Through the pregnancy hormones, the growing belly, the questions, we will continue to submit and praise and stand back in awe of what He will do!
This thursday I will be approaching the 16 week mark, still a couple more weeks to go till we have another ultrasound, and it feels like forever far away as i'm longing to see the life growing inside me and fall more in love. The flutters are being felt and the 'normal pants' are starting to get really uncomfortable, all signs of growing life. At times I love the growing tummy, and majority of other times I have a hard time even looking in a mirror or putting on 'normal clothes. This is a huge difference from being pregnant with Mayla where I wanted the world to see I was pregnant and even jumped the gun on wearing maternity shirts. These things are all part of the battle that rages every day inside.
Already in this short (but long) 6 week journey we have been given so many gifts and we thank you all for being a part of this story. Your cards, texts, emails, messages, dinners, hugs, thoughts and prayers have meant more to us than we will ever be able to convey. You have opened your arms, your hearts and even some of you, your homes to comfort us, not a single thing has gone un-noticed and some days I feel like it's you all who raise us up and help us to continue on. We appreciate you!
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