Never did I imagine.....

You ever sit at a coffee shop and just break down, people all around you. I try to make it look like i'm crying over how wonderfully good the pastry i'm indulging in tastes, then I stick out my belly, knowing that the combination will work in my advantage and I will feel the eyes leave me!

Tomorrow marks a day I never heard about, nor knew a thing about before Friday, February 13th 2015.

The awareness ribbon has a different meaning to me, the green one touches very close to home now, something I never imagined!! I look at it now and am moved, get emotional and at times don't like that I have a close affiliation with one. Other times I feel honored that God chose Will and I to walk this road, and i'm humbled by the people we have already met along the way and look forward to the ones who path we have yet to cross, but know they are coming:)

I'm 25 weeks pregnant now, and just as I suspected, it's getting harder. Some times I try to suck it in, pretending the pregnancy is not really happening, wondering if it's possible it's all still a bad dream. Some times I am hoping the baggy sweat shirt that's been baggy for a while will still hide the bump, so I don't have to answer to strangers when they ask a single question about being pregnant. And then it happens, baby Nani rolls, flips, kicks and squirms (and i'm convinced she's already using my bladder as a trampoline) and I fall fast in love, and I take every kick, every move, every jolt as a gift, another day closer to meeting her, holding her and seeing her perfectly made through God's eyes, not by earthy eyes! I'm learning through this pregnancy to try harder to see things through God's eyes, it's one of the many lessons that Baby Nani is teaching me! 

There's been a lot happening over the last couple weeks and some days I pat myself on the back just for getting out of bed and facing the day! Other days i'm ready, eager and excited for what the day holds, I can honestly say it's been interesting. My phone has been buzzing/ringing and beeping a lot lately, and most of the time it's strangers, but phone numbers that quickly get put in my contacts list. 

I've met people in the last couple of months who I know I would have never met had we not traveled this road and i'm thankful for them! One special person just walked this road ahead of me and said goodbye to their son last night who was born sleeping, please keep them in your prayers as they travel this extremely hard road. We have supported each other over the last months, prayed for each other and I know we will continue to be friends for years to come! I'm so thankful she was brought into my life and i'm excited to know that her little Elijah is getting to know his way around Heaven and will be able to welcome baby Nani when she arrives, they've already had a play date together 10 weeks ago! 

The pregnancy overall is going wonderful! Despite being on the worlds 'rolliest' emotional roller-coaster I am full of energy; i'm still running, surfing, keeping up with Mayla and even able to function without a daily nap!!! I have yet to be plagued with the horrible pregnancy heartburn that I felt I had throughout the whole pregnancy with Mayla and on a daily basis, we laugh in our house and are filled with joy. There are a lot of things I NEVER imagined though, and those things can be extremely draining!  

I never imagined I would be sitting next to my husband on the coach on a tuesday night, looking at a Hospice of Michigan Website looking for help for our unborn child and thinking they may be coming with us into our house.

Never did I imagine that I would get a call while driving down the road and discuss what we wanted to donate from our unborn child, and what the whole process would look like weeks/months ahead of the due date.  The discussion about using part of baby Nani's cells for research after she dies, and the hope of using as many organs as possible to save another's life, all the while she's kicking happily inside me, was this call really happening?!

Never once did I imagine I would be on the receiving end of a phone call from a company called Parent to Parent, wanting to offer my phone number to another parent who has been through what we have been through and wanted to offer help in any way.

Never did I imagine being pregnant and having NO desire to pull out all the baby stuff collecting dust in the basement, that's been screaming for years to be used again, played with, washed and put back in a drawer, and never did I imagine choosing to let it sit, as that seems to cause less pain than all the empty dreams it all holds for now.

I never imagined I would be looking at infant caskets, let alone looking at infant clothing and instead of picturing the sweet little body laying peacefully and happily in my arms, looking at the outfit and picturing her laying peacefully in a casket.

and Never once did I imagine Will and I's dinner conversation would be where we would want Baby Nani buried. Trying to weight the pros and cons of right down the street from us to another cemetery further away.

Some days the decisions are exhausting, it almost seems like trying to decide what to have for dinner is a struggle, as if all my decision making abilities have been lost for the day! Some times I don't even want to think about it, and some days I do take a break, realizing that's healthy too!

A song I constantly have going through my head that speaks and moves me is Jared Anderson's "Where I am right now". This song is AMAZING!!!!!!!!
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfzcKsEG_Bw
Part of the song:
Lyrics:
Where I am right now
God, Your plan is the best
But, my heart is a mess
I'm wondering why You have me here
I'm so ready to be moving on
In my head I'm already gone
But, Your voice is crystal clear

I am called to be where I am right now
In the middle of a storm, but I have no doubt
You are here with me
You are here with me
And I won't give in or second guess
I'm trusting You with every step
Father, You are here with me
Where I am right now; where I am right now
Where I am right now
Is where I am right now; where I am right now
Where I am right now

We thank you deeply for your continued prayers, messages, emails, cards and just reaching out to let us know you are there! We are glad to journey with you, and will continue loving having you by our side as the road continues to be rough and rigid.

I received a gift today, more than one....

Me and my sister rolled in our driveway at 12:05am this morning, I saw my husband in the window and was ELATED he was still awake, and elated I was finally home. We had only been gone since Thursday, but for some reason, the Zija convention trip to Kentucky/Ohio seemed like I was gone for weeks (and maybe that's because i've pretty much been on the move and bags packed since beginning of April).  A hot shower and my bed, tucked in my hubby's arms sounded heavenly! In between potty trips, the sleep was wonderful, but I woke up feeling exhausted and pumped about going to church to sit with God's people and worship. Little did I know Satan was already lurking in our house, waiting...

Since our valve went bad in our hot water heater and we had a flooding in the basement back in February, there has been a serious amount of sediment coming through the pipes clogging our faucets. Once a week/every two weeks we would have to take off the trap and clean it out, well in the last week or so this started to become a daily project for Will around our house, if not twice a day. We heard from a plumber that if we emptied hot water from the heater over the course of days, it should resolve the problem, so today was the day to start the process. It didn't go well and left us with NO hot water flowing through the pipes (most likely clogged along the way) and for a short period of time, no cold water even. I tried to go about my morning as if it didn't matter keeping in mind that I wanted to make it out the door to church, however; no water, breakfast needed for 3 people, and getting ready for church it was hard not to notice! Did I mention Will would be working all day and needed to be to work by 9:30, the poor guy was scrambling around as much as I was. Our peaceful, wonderful, family breakfast and sunday morning hang out time that I had been dreaming about since Thursday was shattering right in front of me. His lips barely brushed past mine as he sprinted out the door and I felt deflated. Staying in my comfy baggy shorts and sweat shirt sounded heavenly and looking at Mayla in her fleece jammies, I knew she would agree, but I felt the urge to go to Church and knew Satan wanted me to stay home, so that made me want to go even more. 

I tried to ignore the clock as I rolled in to the car filled parking lot, forced to park a lot further out than normal was a sign WE WERE LATE! I told Mayla we needed to RUN and tried to make it sound all exciting so she would easily join in, she did the opposite; stood like a statue next to the car with her arms up in utter defeat as if her legs were frozen to the ground. I swept in, picked her up and we ran in the building. I felt pretty excited that they had not yet locked the sunday school rooms and was hopeful Mayla would make it in. I even swung her over the baby gate, and put her feet on the floor. Just as she was taking off, they gave me the news I was hoping NOT to hear, 'we are full, we can't take her!' You ever show up late to an event in a busy city, pull up to a parking garage and see the 'FULL' sign out front, causing you to have to make a quick alternative plan, and not too happy, that was me. I grabbed Mayla back, tears streaming down my face and headed for safety in the bathroom until I could pull myself together. In utter defeat and instant exhaustion I thought about my comfy shorts and sweat shirt waiting for me at home and thought we would just sneak out and head home to chill, praying no one I knew saw me along the way. As I was walking out, Mayla following a few steps behind me wondering in her toddler mind what was happening and why that was the shortest sunday school experience she had ever had; I wiped my tears, stepping on Satan as I walked, and by the grace of God,  I headed for the 'crying room' where they provide a live streaming of the service.  I sat, and snuggled in to my confused toddler and sang as tears streamed down my face. I knew that I may not get much from church, but I WAS NOT going to allow Satan to win and wanted Mayla to see that some times in life adjustments need to be made. I sat, and prayed and thanked God he gave me the strength to stay. 

Mayla was starting to get rambunctious, focusing was hard, and as I was playing back in my mind the morning craziness the door to the sanctuary opened and in walked my gift from God! A lady from Church who I have been emailing for 2.5 months in hopes of one day meeting was standing there in front of me. From becoming facebook friends and blog 'stalkers' of one another, we recognized each other and embraced. I quickly shared how we ended up in the 'crying room' (what I thought was called crying room for the babies but just so happened today it was for the mommies too). She left us after a brief moment to use the ladies room and when she came back in she had brought 2 cookies, water and on a napkin had wrote the most beautiful note. 

I sat in awe of God as cookie crumbles fell from Mayla's mouth onto my lap, and tears streamed down my face! I made the decision Mayla could have both cookies so I could sit and ponder God longer, and realized if I would have disobeyed, and stayed home like every part of me was telling me to do, or left the church when there was no room for her, like every part of me was telling me to do, I would have missed the gift that God had waiting for me. God's gift came with a price, and it came with hurt and tears, but it came. In what ways are you disobeying and possibly missing the gift God wants to share with you? 

Entertaining Mayla became harder and harder during the service and when she was finally content for a few moments, removing EVERY single crayon from the box putting them all over the floor, I allowed her to. This move of hers came with the consequence that she had to pick up every single one when we were done, a task for a toddler that takes a LONG time. Well because of that, I was able to see my new friend again, and once again she demonstrated Jesus' love and invited me to lunch with her family. My first thought was no, I didn't want to be a burden, but then I eagerly accepted her invitation. I felt wrapped in Jesus' arms and praised Him for the trials of the morning. 

God touched me today, and God used her to a level I don't think she will ever know! She was a real live gift from God, sent to church today for God's use for me, and I humbly say THANK YOU!!!! Her message she poured one me, was the exact same message Pastor Jeff poured onto the people of Ada today. Are we here to only to serve ourselves, or will we take the stand and realize we have something to offer the people around us, and serve others the way God wants us to!