Yesterday on the grocery list I made sure to write, 'cake mix and frosting'. I was running through the store trying to remember if I had candles at home, and what exactly we would do for her birthday. I came home and after the hustle and bustle of the day found myself in the kitchen prepping to make the cake while Zella slept and Will and Mayla snuggled on the couch watching a movie. Thoughts were still running through my head, "what will we do? Where will we go? How can we make tomorrow special?" I had all the thoughts and feelings of a mommy the night before her daughters 4th birthday, however the sweet daughter was missing from the house and would be attending her party in a much much much more amazing place.
It's hard to believe 4 years ago today we delivered our sweet Arabella. She was alive and fully capable to show all signs of a newborn. Last night Will and I had the sweet moment together to lay in bed and think about 'all things Arabella'. We dreamed of what life would be like now, the way she smelled, the sounds she made, the many arms she was held in, the smiles and tears that were given so freely by the ones around us, feeding her, changing her, dancing with her. We never wanted the moments to end. Her lips were captivating and her relentless spirit was inspiring. We talked about the overwhelming support we received and how many just pushed 'pause' on their lives to be there in so many different ways for us. We felt carried and loved and although it was one of the most difficult places to ever be in, it was so incredibly beautiful.
God has been faithful our whole entire journey and constantly reminding us in many ways, 'I've got this." One thing I learned during our journey was, "I don't care what people think". It was a lesson I was forced into right at 12 weeks, when the word 'abort' was brought to our attention. We ignored that 'advice' and moving forward didn't care what the world tried to tell us. We had many comments on videos we posted and blogs we wrote during and after the pregnancy, and we lovingly deleted them, prayed for those people and moved on. There maybe people who see this post pop up and think, 'seriously Ellis', 4 years and you're still holding on and posting about her?' YUP, and guess what...I don't care what you think, in a loving way of course! I learned to take advice people had to say and it either went in one ear and out the other or it sunk deep into my heart and was absorbed by my body! If I would have chosen to get worked up by the silly things people said or did or didn't do for that matter, I probably would have one friend, be divorced and live in a basement somewhere. People will say things in our lives and disappoint us, because nothing this side of heaven is perfect! That perfection principle all got ruined in the Garden of Eden way back when and since then people have had problems and until Jesus comes again, people will continue to have problems. There is also Grace that has been given. Grace in from God, and Grace out for others is something we say often in our home. I went to counseling shortly after we lost her. Alone and with Will. I was desperate for help, especially the 5-7 month mark after she was gone. I was spiralling fast and once again didn't care what the world told me. I was weak, in need of help and so thankful there were support groups and loving people that genuinely wanted me 'healthy'. What are you putting off that you need 'help' from. Reach out, reach up, reach down, just reach out. Marriage, kids, family, faith, it's all hard stuff and we all go through different seasons. I can't imagine where I would be now without the help I got, but it took not caring what the world thought to get there! Despite what you see on facebook and the news there are loving people out there.
Last night laying Zella down for bed I had a really hard time putting her down. I just kept rocking her and holding her and snuggling her. If Arabella would have lived, I don't know if we would have Zella. But I know God had a plan and I'm so thankful it included another girl.
I don't know what our life would look like if she would have lived. We love to try and guess but we have no idea. We miss her, we think about her almost daily, but we also love the journey God took us on. We had the word of God as our foundation and joy as our mantra. #CELEBRATEEVERYTHING
May you experience the Love of Christ that is so deep and fresh and huge no matter WHAT you are going through. May you know that he created you and loves you. And no matter where you are at in life turing, 4 or 84, You're life matters and is worth celebrating and OTHER people's lives matter too. You have no idea what people are going through. GRACE!
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| The wonder and joy in the room when she was born was beautiful. |
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| So much thankfulness |
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| Mayla 'reading' from the bible. I wish we videotaped what she was saying. |
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| We would have been lost without the word of God. |
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| Most every picture we have of someone looking at Arabella, their face is covered in 'JOY'! |
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| Date night a couple months ago, we love our time by her! |
