Handpicked for Earth by her sister in Heaven

Monday, November 20th, in the dark of the night, pitocin was dripping into the IV that felt like it was taped to my arm for life. The numbers climbed fast from 2ml to 4ml to 8ml to 10ml to 12ml, then 16ml and then 18ml (20ml is the highest). I knew things were going to start getting crazy soon! While we waited and waited and most of the world slept, we tried to sleep too...The delivery bed in that hospital is intended for one thing, delivery, NOT sleeping, so I snuggled up to my hubby on the pull out 'bed' and there we laid in each others arms. My big belly hanging off one side, and his arm cradled under my head. We spent time sleeping, praying, dreaming and praying some more and we waited. I could write an entire blog about the feelings, thoughts and emotions that were running through my muscle fibers, veins heart and mind during that time. Here we were, just hours away from meeting the 6th life that has been formed inside my womb and yet the 2nd child we would hopefully be bringing home. All I could say over and over, "Lord I surrender all, Lord she is yours, Lord protect our family".

 Around 7am things started to get real and between the squats I was doing, the dancing with my hubby and bouncing around the room and the number 18ml on the pitocin drip, I wasn't surprised; There was no slowing this train down. By 11am I was wondering where that Anesthesiologist was they told me would be on his way FOREVER ago, by 11:15am, I was telling myself VERY firmly that when I talked, I still needed to say please and thank you to my husband and the nurses and by 11:30 I was getting a little cranky about that anesthesiologist. 12:12pm, the whole team walked out, happy meds in me, and I laid a bit more relaxed and dilated to a 9 (first time they had checked me since I was admitted) And good thing they didn't check before the epidural or they might not have let me have it. I knew she would be coming soon!

I had flashbacks to Arabella's birth, and all I wanted was this girl to be alive and healthy and well. Four quick pushes and she was in my arms, GOD IS GOOD...Tears of joy and hope and surrender and willingness ran down both Will and I's cheeks as we studied the miracle that laid in my arms. She was our Rainbow, Handpicked for earth by her sister in Heaven. Zella Rae Ellis, meaning happy and blessed and warrior girl. Rae meaning Grace, now all our girls have Grace in some variation as their middle name. We had her because we lost Arabella, the pain and joy that brought me all at once was overwhelming. Gods hand ran rampant through the whole timing and delivery and birth of sweet Zella. Want to know who our delivering nurse was, one of the first nurses we started with when we were admitted for Arabella, she was able to see our story come full circle, as where 3 other nurses that were all part of our labor and loss journey the past 2 years. What a God hug, what a joy!!!! We had very thankful and grateful hearts in the moments we wrapped our arms around those nurses who have journeyed with us and what a blessing when they held our daughter.

In the few short minutes after she was born, Satan tried to steal our joy. When they uttered they would possibly have to take our daughter to NICU for an IV because of her glucose levels (not that big of a deal, but to me I was freaking out inside), we prayed hard core over her and we asked others to pray. Her numbers started stabilizing but Zella seemed like she was getting worse, she was puking, spitting, and projectile vomiting with barely anything in her, she was not eating and every time a milk product got close to her mouth something would come out. That started the pumping routine for me, flashbacks to when Mayla was born and every mommy urge in you just shut down and shattered. We were instructed to keep her skin to skin which was wonderful, expect hard on me when all the people flooded the hospital to have their turn loving on her and I felt like I couldn't share the way I had dreamed and hoped. Sleeping came in minutes and I felt like I was unraveling fast. Zella was poked every 2-3 hours and as we awaited the number reading I would cry out to God..we sang praises each time the number came back in the 'healthy' range. The longer she went without eating, the more stuff that came up the more worried I became....I was trying hard to cling to the one who could heal and in the quiet and visitor free hours I would just sob to my husband...."GODS GOT THIS" was all he kept saying to me! That was all I needed to hear. Will was being the strong tower I needed and pointing me to the ROCK!

It seemed like the more Zella got out of her the better she was feeling and SLOWLY she started to show an interest in eating. I was reminded of all the junk that flows through us, the sinfulness, the selfishness, the lying and hiding we do, and how GOOD it feels when I GET that out through confession and prayer. Both different kinds of junk, but both have the same result afterwards, a renewed body that has room for good! God designed us to be free of the junk, this world tries to shove it in our face in many different forms and we aren't intended to live under that stress and bondage. The bible tells us in 1 John 1:9, "that if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." He wants our whole hearts pure, he cares about us SO much that no questions are asked,  just PURE FORGIVENESS granted! THANK YOU JESUS that you love us so much you allow us the freedom to live apart from bondage.

Zella was cleansing all right, and her cleansing was helping my nurses reach their fit bit goal of steps for the day as I continuously pushed that nurse call button. Will and I kept laughing, it's our third time being parents but first time we have done any of this! Grace was given all the way around!

Zella started eating, her numbers continued to skyrocket and on Thanksgiving they were telling us that we could take her home. Mayla's prayer for the last 2 years was finally being answered and she wasn't afraid to tell anyone and everyone about it. She uttered to one of our nurses one day, 'we get to take this one home!'

Some of my favorite lines Mayla uttered while at the hospital, "Look, a family of four....", talking about ourselves. "We can bring her home, and be all four of us". And I'm never going to leave your side, ok Zella? I'm your big sister and I will always be here"! I have never seen her smile so freely for a photo before or look so happy. We praise God for the journey and the storm and the lessons and the GRACE and LOVE that has been needed to come out on the other side!

For this child we have prayed, and the Lord has granted us the desires of our heart" 1 Samuel 1:27.

God gives us Rainbows to remind us of HOPE! My prayer for you is that daily may you put your complete faith in HIM for He is the God of the impossible. Thank you for your prayers, your support, your encouragement, your emails and your continued love throughout our journey! You will never know how thankful we are for you!

Rain

The rain is falling hard outside, it's dark and wet and there is a dampness that goes right through you, and there are puddles accumulating every where. The rain is beautiful. The rain is needed. The rain has a job. The rain comes in our lives too, in ways of disappointments, missed opportunities, failed attempts, hardships, loss, and turmoil and just like we can't choose when the rain falls on our clothes, our cars or our heads, we can't choose when the rain comes in our lives. The rain storms of life can be beautiful. The rain storms in life are needed. And the rain storms of life have a job.

We are days away from meeting our rainbow baby (and based on how I feel right now we could be hours), the excitement is off the charts, and so is the word faith and trust. Right now I feel safe, I feel secure. I feel her, I know her, I know what to think and how to act. I don't know how I'm going to feel walking through the hospital hallways that hold memories of Arabella. I don't know what I'm going to think being in one of those same hospital rooms and the bed. It feels weird to pack a hospital bag for her, it feels weird to bring the car seat, it feels unfair that I've had a child in between and I didn't get to do these things. But it also feels right. It feels right because I didn't plan any of it and it feels right because as much as I think I am, I'm not in control. It feels right because it's our story, it's God's story!

She seems to have Arabella's lips and Mayla's nose. She never allowed us a clear view of her, but it doesn't matter, she is ours and she is loved. 

I was reading in my devotions months ago and came across this poem and of course circled it, highlighted and starred it. I needed to be able to find it again easily!

The flowers live by the tears that fall
From the sad face of the skies;
And life would have no joy at all,
Were there no watery eyes.
Love the sorrow, for grief will bring
Its own reward in later years;
THE RAINBOW! See how fair a thing
God has built up from tears."              Henry S. Sutton

Took this picture in 2011 when we lived in Switzerland and recently came across it.
THE RAINBOW!!!!

How sweet is that. The rain is needed in life, and tears are useful too. When we are in a tough season that's hard to see past, it's hard to understand the reason and that's ok. I"ve learned so much in the two years since we have lost Arabella and grown so much too. The season has made me more grateful, and this pregnancy and the anticipation of the baby has taught me what my longing for heaven should be like; Joyful, strong, and life changing. What are you anticipating? What are you excited about? How can you apply those feelings to things that make you nervous or things that may be unsettling? Faith and Trust. God has picked the soil you are standing in and mixed it just so, knowing that there you could turn into a beautiful flower when you thank him for the place and accept what he is doing. Who needs you to sprout where you are at right now?

To the ones going through loss or grieving now, it sucks and it's hard.  Be present in that space, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself grace and be honest with what you need. But also know there are others who need you too. Don't discredit what you can offer in your pain.

To the ones expecting your rainbow baby, live each day in the truth of what you know, and that is you're pregnant with a rainbow. Don't get lost or stuck playing the 'what-if' game and allow it to rob you of your joy. Be thankful for the days you feel the kicks, notice the hiccups and feel the aches and pains of a stretching uterus.

To the ones lost in the why's of infertility and miscarriages, reach out to others, there are many out there. Find support groups, we weren't meant to do this alone. And you don't have to. In this world we weren't meant to say goodbye to our littles before we met them. And ladies, don't discredit your husband's feelings and emotions too. Marriage takes a team and even though it seems so much has to do with the female the male has emotions and needs and wants and longings too, don't discredit them, but be an open book and be a safe person for him to talk to.

So how is the pregnancy going? As of yesterday I"m dilated to a good 3, could be called a 4 and am scheduled to be induced Monday evening. Why induced you might ask? Good question. Early on in the pregnancy they talked to us about it and we kind of ignored it, they said because of "AMA", Advanced Maternal Age they highly recommend being induced before your due date and after week 39. We revisited it again a few weeks ago and really started praying about it and doing some research, and after finding out that it is more likely to have the placenta stop giving nutrients and the baby just dies after age 35, we decided we couldn't take any risks and scheduled it for just 5 days before my due date. Monday night was the time slot we got; you think we need it or will she come before that??????

A few weeks back we had our good friend and our amazing photographer Kristy, take some photos of our family that I absolutely cherish. There is hope in these pictures, there is joy, and there is peace and she captured it all amazing! http://www.kristyberendsphotography.com/

Childlike faith and wonder...

OH THE LOVE!

Thank you Jesus for her

These two melt my heart

"Our capacity for knowing God is enlarged when we are brought by him into circumstances that cause us to exercise our faith. So when difficulties block our path, may we thank God that He is taking time to deal with us, and then may we lean heavily on him." -Streams in the Desert

Right now in the season of 'waiting' we are doing just that; waiting heavily on him. Our season is a joyous one of waiting, the arrival of life, you may be going through a season of waiting that is tiresome and lonely. May you feel the comfort of  our loving father who sees you and knows you and wants to be known by you!