Rain

The rain is falling hard outside, it's dark and wet and there is a dampness that goes right through you, and there are puddles accumulating every where. The rain is beautiful. The rain is needed. The rain has a job. The rain comes in our lives too, in ways of disappointments, missed opportunities, failed attempts, hardships, loss, and turmoil and just like we can't choose when the rain falls on our clothes, our cars or our heads, we can't choose when the rain comes in our lives. The rain storms of life can be beautiful. The rain storms in life are needed. And the rain storms of life have a job.

We are days away from meeting our rainbow baby (and based on how I feel right now we could be hours), the excitement is off the charts, and so is the word faith and trust. Right now I feel safe, I feel secure. I feel her, I know her, I know what to think and how to act. I don't know how I'm going to feel walking through the hospital hallways that hold memories of Arabella. I don't know what I'm going to think being in one of those same hospital rooms and the bed. It feels weird to pack a hospital bag for her, it feels weird to bring the car seat, it feels unfair that I've had a child in between and I didn't get to do these things. But it also feels right. It feels right because I didn't plan any of it and it feels right because as much as I think I am, I'm not in control. It feels right because it's our story, it's God's story!

She seems to have Arabella's lips and Mayla's nose. She never allowed us a clear view of her, but it doesn't matter, she is ours and she is loved. 

I was reading in my devotions months ago and came across this poem and of course circled it, highlighted and starred it. I needed to be able to find it again easily!

The flowers live by the tears that fall
From the sad face of the skies;
And life would have no joy at all,
Were there no watery eyes.
Love the sorrow, for grief will bring
Its own reward in later years;
THE RAINBOW! See how fair a thing
God has built up from tears."              Henry S. Sutton

Took this picture in 2011 when we lived in Switzerland and recently came across it.
THE RAINBOW!!!!

How sweet is that. The rain is needed in life, and tears are useful too. When we are in a tough season that's hard to see past, it's hard to understand the reason and that's ok. I"ve learned so much in the two years since we have lost Arabella and grown so much too. The season has made me more grateful, and this pregnancy and the anticipation of the baby has taught me what my longing for heaven should be like; Joyful, strong, and life changing. What are you anticipating? What are you excited about? How can you apply those feelings to things that make you nervous or things that may be unsettling? Faith and Trust. God has picked the soil you are standing in and mixed it just so, knowing that there you could turn into a beautiful flower when you thank him for the place and accept what he is doing. Who needs you to sprout where you are at right now?

To the ones going through loss or grieving now, it sucks and it's hard.  Be present in that space, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself grace and be honest with what you need. But also know there are others who need you too. Don't discredit what you can offer in your pain.

To the ones expecting your rainbow baby, live each day in the truth of what you know, and that is you're pregnant with a rainbow. Don't get lost or stuck playing the 'what-if' game and allow it to rob you of your joy. Be thankful for the days you feel the kicks, notice the hiccups and feel the aches and pains of a stretching uterus.

To the ones lost in the why's of infertility and miscarriages, reach out to others, there are many out there. Find support groups, we weren't meant to do this alone. And you don't have to. In this world we weren't meant to say goodbye to our littles before we met them. And ladies, don't discredit your husband's feelings and emotions too. Marriage takes a team and even though it seems so much has to do with the female the male has emotions and needs and wants and longings too, don't discredit them, but be an open book and be a safe person for him to talk to.

So how is the pregnancy going? As of yesterday I"m dilated to a good 3, could be called a 4 and am scheduled to be induced Monday evening. Why induced you might ask? Good question. Early on in the pregnancy they talked to us about it and we kind of ignored it, they said because of "AMA", Advanced Maternal Age they highly recommend being induced before your due date and after week 39. We revisited it again a few weeks ago and really started praying about it and doing some research, and after finding out that it is more likely to have the placenta stop giving nutrients and the baby just dies after age 35, we decided we couldn't take any risks and scheduled it for just 5 days before my due date. Monday night was the time slot we got; you think we need it or will she come before that??????

A few weeks back we had our good friend and our amazing photographer Kristy, take some photos of our family that I absolutely cherish. There is hope in these pictures, there is joy, and there is peace and she captured it all amazing! http://www.kristyberendsphotography.com/

Childlike faith and wonder...

OH THE LOVE!

Thank you Jesus for her

These two melt my heart

"Our capacity for knowing God is enlarged when we are brought by him into circumstances that cause us to exercise our faith. So when difficulties block our path, may we thank God that He is taking time to deal with us, and then may we lean heavily on him." -Streams in the Desert

Right now in the season of 'waiting' we are doing just that; waiting heavily on him. Our season is a joyous one of waiting, the arrival of life, you may be going through a season of waiting that is tiresome and lonely. May you feel the comfort of  our loving father who sees you and knows you and wants to be known by you!