It's a day I can't stop thinking about her. It's a day I want to crawl up and surround myself with every single thing that touched her, was her, reminds me of her. It's a day I need her, and long deeply to be close to her. It's a day I want to spend walking around with my bible open, letting the pages flood into the deep wounds that feel like they are wide open today! It's a day I feel like jumping up and down celebrating, celebrating what was given to me and celebrating how blessed I am! It's a day called grief.
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| Swiss Hot chocolate goes with ALL types of grief, especially when it's snowing out |
My morning was a gift from God. A special mama friend brought me starbucks and drove with me to visit Arabella. This mama friend gets it, as we share a piece of heaven together as our daughters sit on Jesus' lap side by side! I have been dreading the first snow fall. It's the mommy in me. I don't want the ground above her to be snow covered, I don't want the ground around her to freeze. To think of her sweet little body laying in the cold beneath is hard for me, and harder as the snow falls and a white blanket is laid on top. I keep thinking of her wrapped in the pure white soft blanket and how bad I want her in my arms. Today is grief, today is raw!
My sweet friend Brittany and I let the snow fall around us as we laughed, talked, shared, prayed, and cried together. It was an amazing moment, part of my new norm having a hang time with another mommy and my daughter by her grave! We weren't alone there either, God was with us! Both of us having the unnatural, unwanted, and unreal event of having to say goodbye to a little girl that we didn't get to spend near enough time with, standing side by side praising God for his faithfulness! He was in that moment, as he has been in so many!!!!! God is in EVERY detail. He KNEW the first snowfall would be hard on me, and what did he do, orchestrated it so that I could be there with her. She was Jesus with Sorel boots on for me, Jesus in living color. GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS HOPE!!!
Three months ago we lost her. The change of seasons is hard. Grief is hard.
The snow is beautiful and Mayla is a reminder to me that God is love! Being the first snow fall today, she didn't allow me to sit and wallow for long. She is a good distraction.....most of the time!
A sweet sweet friend had the remaining fabric from Arabella's pants and hat knit into a blanket. I want to carry this with me on my shoulder or in my arms wherever I go. It's the same fabric she has touching her body....it's all made from the same thread, this sweet friend will never know how special this gift is to me! I feel like it's the invisible string attaching me to Arabella. I found myself loading the dishes into the dishwasher today with it strewn over my shoulder, it comforted me!
Job 1:21 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; May the name of the Lord be praised!" I will rise up and Praise his Name for he is GREAT and worthy of praise. Yes he has taken my daughter with him to Heaven, but he is the same God today, as he was before he took her as he will be tomorrow! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS HOPE!
