Tomorrow marks a day I never heard about, nor knew a thing about before Friday, February 13th 2015.
The awareness ribbon has a different meaning to me, the green one touches very close to home now, something I never imagined!! I look at it now and am moved, get emotional and at times don't like that I have a close affiliation with one. Other times I feel honored that God chose Will and I to walk this road, and i'm humbled by the people we have already met along the way and look forward to the ones who path we have yet to cross, but know they are coming:)
I'm 25 weeks pregnant now, and just as I suspected, it's getting harder. Some times I try to suck it in, pretending the pregnancy is not really happening, wondering if it's possible it's all still a bad dream. Some times I am hoping the baggy sweat shirt that's been baggy for a while will still hide the bump, so I don't have to answer to strangers when they ask a single question about being pregnant. And then it happens, baby Nani rolls, flips, kicks and squirms (and i'm convinced she's already using my bladder as a trampoline) and I fall fast in love, and I take every kick, every move, every jolt as a gift, another day closer to meeting her, holding her and seeing her perfectly made through God's eyes, not by earthy eyes! I'm learning through this pregnancy to try harder to see things through God's eyes, it's one of the many lessons that Baby Nani is teaching me!
There's been a lot happening over the last couple weeks and some days I pat myself on the back just for getting out of bed and facing the day! Other days i'm ready, eager and excited for what the day holds, I can honestly say it's been interesting. My phone has been buzzing/ringing and beeping a lot lately, and most of the time it's strangers, but phone numbers that quickly get put in my contacts list.
I've met people in the last couple of months who I know I would have never met had we not traveled this road and i'm thankful for them! One special person just walked this road ahead of me and said goodbye to their son last night who was born sleeping, please keep them in your prayers as they travel this extremely hard road. We have supported each other over the last months, prayed for each other and I know we will continue to be friends for years to come! I'm so thankful she was brought into my life and i'm excited to know that her little Elijah is getting to know his way around Heaven and will be able to welcome baby Nani when she arrives, they've already had a play date together 10 weeks ago!
The pregnancy overall is going wonderful! Despite being on the worlds 'rolliest' emotional roller-coaster I am full of energy; i'm still running, surfing, keeping up with Mayla and even able to function without a daily nap!!! I have yet to be plagued with the horrible pregnancy heartburn that I felt I had throughout the whole pregnancy with Mayla and on a daily basis, we laugh in our house and are filled with joy. There are a lot of things I NEVER imagined though, and those things can be extremely draining!
I never imagined I would be sitting next to my husband on the coach on a tuesday night, looking at a Hospice of Michigan Website looking for help for our unborn child and thinking they may be coming with us into our house.
Never did I imagine that I would get a call while driving down the road and discuss what we wanted to donate from our unborn child, and what the whole process would look like weeks/months ahead of the due date. The discussion about using part of baby Nani's cells for research after she dies, and the hope of using as many organs as possible to save another's life, all the while she's kicking happily inside me, was this call really happening?!
Never once did I imagine I would be on the receiving end of a phone call from a company called Parent to Parent, wanting to offer my phone number to another parent who has been through what we have been through and wanted to offer help in any way.
Never did I imagine being pregnant and having NO desire to pull out all the baby stuff collecting dust in the basement, that's been screaming for years to be used again, played with, washed and put back in a drawer, and never did I imagine choosing to let it sit, as that seems to cause less pain than all the empty dreams it all holds for now.
I never imagined I would be looking at infant caskets, let alone looking at infant clothing and instead of picturing the sweet little body laying peacefully and happily in my arms, looking at the outfit and picturing her laying peacefully in a casket.
and Never once did I imagine Will and I's dinner conversation would be where we would want Baby Nani buried. Trying to weight the pros and cons of right down the street from us to another cemetery further away.
Some days the decisions are exhausting, it almost seems like trying to decide what to have for dinner is a struggle, as if all my decision making abilities have been lost for the day! Some times I don't even want to think about it, and some days I do take a break, realizing that's healthy too!
A song I constantly have going through my head that speaks and moves me is Jared Anderson's "Where I am right now". This song is AMAZING!!!!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfzcKsEG_Bw
Part of the song:
Lyrics:
Where I am right now
God, Your plan is the best
But, my heart is a mess
I'm wondering why You have me here
I'm so ready to be moving on
In my head I'm already gone
But, Your voice is crystal clear
I am called to be where I am right now
In the middle of a storm, but I have no doubt
You are here with me
You are here with me
And I won't give in or second guess
I'm trusting You with every step
Father, You are here with me
Where I am right now; where I am right now
Where I am right now
Is where I am right now; where I am right now
Where I am right now
We thank you deeply for your continued prayers, messages, emails, cards and just reaching out to let us know you are there! We are glad to journey with you, and will continue loving having you by our side as the road continues to be rough and rigid.
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