Invisible

Have you ever been asked that one strange but great question, 'if you could have one superhero's power, what would it be?' I have, and I use to think it would be great to teleport myself. While that one is still pretty darn cool, my latest superhero power desire is to have the ability to be invisible. This new desire started Sunday, and struck me out of nowhere. I've heard grieving is unpredictable, comes at you in different forms, and if allowed, washes over you. Well this past Sunday I not only felt the grief washing over me, but felt more like a tidal wave was engulfing me, and I was submerged below.

This past Saturday we packed up and came home from an amazing two week getaway. Our time at my uncle's place on Lake Leelanau, "Rediscovery" (how fitting is that title for a get away place), was relaxing, joyful, family filled, and enjoyable...but it was away; we escaped. Our days were spent deciding which beach to go to, what water activity Will would do (until he fractured his rib in two

Pre Fractured Rib

Also pre fractured Rib

 spots from a wicked slalom ski fall), if we should get ice cream from the freezer or the super cute ice cream store in the quaint town of Leland, or where we should take Mayla for a bike ride.
My biggest stress was watching everyone else have fun and be active in the unusually warm September weather we were having while I took it 'easy'. It was hard to sit back and watch. My arms were empty and my body showing all the signs of 'postpartum' and now I was in one of my favorite places in the world and unable to participate....I Surrender! Secretly, Will's injury a week into our time up there was a blessing to me, (SHHH, don't tell him). It meant he didn't have a week to gain on me in the watersports activities that we are rather competitive in:) I've already got a lot of of catching up to do, so having him by my side instead of behind the boat was nice! I love you sweetie:)

Coming home Saturday was rough. I was praying the whole way home about my attitude, what awaited us and just being back. We came home to no power, I wanted to scream. Each minute we sat at home unable to open our fridge/freezer and fully unpack I was growing more and more agitated.  It was just all too much for me at once. I sent Will and Mayla away to pick up a pizza and Praise the Lord it took a bit longer than it needed to, it allowed me to sit and just cry. It allowed me to pause and Pray, something I had forgotten about since we got home, complaining and being a crabby pants seemed easier; when it was only worse for everyone. How selfish of me, I wept and prayed and asked forgiveness and minutes later the power was on, they were back with Pizza and I hugged my husband and asked his forgiveness. It's amazing how fast our tongue, emotions, and thoughts can ruin everyone else, wipe the ground right out from under them. GRACE!! Thank you for grace!

Sunday morning just before getting ready for church I decided to open up a gift from a dear friend from Switzerland. In it she had included an extremely beautifully written note. Her words struck me straight in the depths of my heart and I sobbed as I read it. I have not been around her in almost 2 years, but she was speaking such truth, and everything she wrote was sinking deep. The river of tears was officially open and little did I know the flood that was about to spring forth from them. We jumped in the car and eagerly headed to church, I tried to suppress any thoughts or feelings that were stewing and only focus on Mayla and her excitement over a new classroom and new name tag she would be getting. We pulled into the parking lot that wasn't too full yet and all scurried on our way. Plan being Will bring Mayla potty while I searched for her name on the board with all the others. I walked in and instantly my eyes were fixated on the little spot up against the wall where we had Arabella's casket for her heaven party; the emotions were getting closer to the top now, like a pot of boiling potatoes about to boil over. I took a deep breath and smiled at Mayla people watching while Will tried to hurry her to the potty. 'I GOT THIS',  I thought to myself (fake it until you make it approach going on here). I found Mayla's name faster than I wanted to on the board and took a step back, hunkered against the wall, my eyes laser beamed in on the name tag, staring, begging God to make me invisible. A dear lady approached me who has showered so much love on me and I just lost it on her. I was so happy to see her, but also wanted to run at the same time. I had no idea how to handle the emotions that had seemed to take over my body and mind. After a few minutes, she left and I was back to zoning out on Mayla's name tag. I was relieved to see Mayla bouncing down the hall way and Will, my strong tower. I caved into him and told Him I didn't want to see another person I knew at church that night, a completely odd feeling for me as I normally LOVE going to church to see all the people I know, hug them and chat with them! And here I was, wanting to run, hide, blend into the walls and be invisible. I couldn't make it from Mayla's classroom to the sanctuary without running into one more person and after I left her, I felt like a mean disinterested friend. Who am I? What was this all about? Is this my new normal? What's next? Do I have a disorder? I felt like two people in one, I was confused! Walking into that sanctuary I went numb. Flashback after flashback played before my eyes, all I could see was Arabella's name on the screen (it wasn't), all I could hear was the music that was played at her Heaven Party, it was all around me yet all I could feel was emptiness. Tears that started as a few drops were soon falling fast down my cheeks and being absorbed as they hit my shirt. Completely broken. I sat and wept and I was screaming on the inside when we were asked to greet and say hello to the random strangers around us. The guy in front of me turned around and with the most questionable and empathetic look on his face he uttered a reserved hello, i'm not sure I even said a word. Invisible, I wanted to crawl into a hole. We started singing, truthfully, I wanted nothing to do with it, I tried, but it was as if all my energy was helping me stand. I also was angry, angry that Jesus had Arabella in HIS hands and the only place I wanted her at that moment was in MY hands. I cried out to Him, I told Him how mad I was, how empty I felt and alone. I told him how annoyed I was that a baby's number kept popping up on the screen over and over for the parent to come and get that child and how LONG that number stayed there, reminding me over and over that Arabella will never have a number, I will never even have the chance to be called to come and get her. God heard from me Sunday morning in a real, honest, deep way, and you know what's interesting? He listened, He took it. He created me and He cares! What I learned in that moment of complete openness is how in my outpouring of emotions to God, my appreciation for him grew more. I may have been a mess, but God doesn't care, He died for the messes, and the masses, of the world. Grace!! Thank you for grace!!!

Our 'Arabella Tree' 

We continue to be overwhelmed by the outpouring and love of so many people; loved ones, acquaintances, friends, and complete strangers! We've gotten BEAUTIFUL artwork from a lady we've never met, a book from an author whom we don't know, emails and mail from people that start it off by, 'you don't know me, but....'. People we have only talked to one or two times stepping up and loving on us like we have been friends for life....we stand in awe, we stand in wonder and we stand humbly before you. A simple thank you or a hug or a card doesn't even seem to do justice! PEOPLE are GOOD!!! Our mail man doesn't know what to think! One gift we received was to a Gardening/landscape store. When I first opened it up and read it, I mentioned to Will, 'how cool would it be to get a windchime.' I had never been to this place before though and thought, 'Keri that is a silly idea, they won't have those, so think of something else.' Well we had already been gifted a tree from our neighborhood so we knew that was out, so our next thought was either a nice bench or an Ebenezer stone for our yard! We walked around for about an hour and 45 minutes, looking also at new landscaping ideas for the side of our house that was full of weeds and half dead ferns. We agreed on two options and one I'm SO excited about for the name of the flower. We are planting life around our house called 'Autumn Joy'. A WONDERFUL reminder in the fall when we see the beautiful buds to be joyful, even after the summer is over and we have lost our Arabella. We then walked into the store and guess what? OUR WINDCHIME, there itwas! It has the most beautiful sound, we hung it on our house immediately when we got home and you should hear it ring throughout. Our Arabella is around and in every part of this house, the sound echoes through like the cooing of a newborn baby and warms my heart. "He restores my soul". 

How am I surviving each day? Some days suck, some days are up and down, some days are fantastic, but every day this Psalm says the same thing, and every day My God is the same God no matter what the circumstances of life are. Therefore I'm not basing my life on my circumstances, but on my God. Psalm 18:2. The Lord is my ROCK. My fortress and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

'Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path' Psalm 119:105

HOPE

Some Lake Michigan hang time..till the rain came in!

"Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave from it." Proverbs 22:6