Cemetery and Heaven

I find myself driving down the road, lost in space thinking about Arabella. I see something and think, "I sure would love to show her that". I eat something and think, "I sure would love to share this with her". These thoughts are followed up with images, images of her in heaven seeing wonders much brighter and more majestic than anything our eyes can see; Tasting things more tasteful than even Swiss Chocolate. A paraphrase we have used frequently with Mayla is, 'Arabella probably won't even like an Oreo, because in Heaven, they have things that taste WAY BETTER than Oreo's. It's fun to start that imagery with her, and daily remind ourselves of the better that is to come. What is one thing that has changed for me after Arabella's passing? My incredible longing for Heaven; a safe place, a brighter place with colors we can't even fathom, a more loving place, a place filled with things that taste more amazing than even Swiss Chocolate and Oreo's, a place of no pain, a place where I will be complete.

Two amazing gifts we received, just around the time Arabella would have been one month old, were her birth certificate and social security card. They should have just come with the word, "MIRACLE" written on them. Two things I wasn't sure we would get, and for a few short hours Arabella led us to believe we might even get to put them to use as she was a fighter. Another huge gift that showed up recently were Arabella's 3D feet that our wonderfully amazing Hospice worker did for us. Have I mentioned there are some REALLY REALLY GOOD people in this world? WOW we are overwhelmed and humbled by 'people'. Or how about the people that recognized Will and I at Applebees and secretively picked up our tab for our dinner? GOOD PEOPLE. THANK YOU! Our mailbox has been full, or fridge has been full, our tummy's have been full, our hearts full, and our arms are void of our daughter, but filled with so many hugs and love from family, friends and strangers, THANK YOU! So, back to the feet......they are amazing. I had no expectations for them, per what our hospice worker told us. They can turn out, and they can't. I can't stop touching ours, they are so life like. The wrinkles, the toe nails, the softness, the size, the shape. They are Arabella.

Doesn't that look say it all?

This past Monday night, one month since Arabella left our arms, we wanted a special family night together and thought it would be fun, relaxing and enjoyable to plan a dinner out (especially since it was Will's first day back to work), and head to the cemetery for the first time. It just so happened that the people bringing us a meal that night provided 'date night meal'....aka Money for date night...SEE How cool God is? Mayla decided not to nap that day, which usually means, more not so happy moments during the evening hours. Her true colors showed through on the way to the restaurant and during the first 45 minutes at the restaurant. I remember thinking to myself at one point, 'why do I do this to myself? Have these expectations with a toddler!!!!!" We all survived dinner, barely, and even found some enjoyable moments.........
I knew Mayla would be utlra Sensitive going to the cemetery so I had to be creative...OREOS! We stopped by the grocery store, I sprinted in and grabbed some birthday cake oreo's (never had them). I was PRAYING the person at the check out wouldn't ask many questions, so I picked the check out with the male working:) and phew we only talked about all the different oreo flavors which I was happy I didn't know much about! We were on the way to the cemetery and Mayla kept saying she was going to stay in the car....and as we were pulling in she also said the most interesting thing she has ever said. 'Me not want to go there, people will get me'? I would LOVE LOVE to know what is behind that, I just started to pray for her! As we were walking to the grave site, I began to realize this was now part of our 'normal'. Part of us was there, and the walk from the car to where her casket laid was a walk we will do many times. Will and I saw the outlines of the freshly laid sod, still not connected to the other parts of the grass, almost like the way I feel. Just 'sitting' in this world, but not part of it, lately I don't feel part of anything, but kind of just hanging on. That sod represented newness, for all of us! The tears flowed as we remembered laying our sweet girl down in that dirt, but our hearts were filled with joy over the blessing of having known her, held her and been loved by her!

Even though that was the first time we had been to her grave, it was not the first time she had been visited. She had company before us and it warmed my heart, I actually sobbed over the gifts someone had placed there, such love, compassion and warmth flooded over me. Overwhelmed by people's love, and goodness, THANK YOU to Arabella's graveside visitor(s) and for the welcoming gift, you will NEVER know how much we appreciate YOU! Mayla blew the bubbles and we turned our Oreo eating party with Arabella into a bubble party. The difference between losing your first child, and losing your third child, with your second child fully present is a LOT. Will and I are not only trying to figure out how to walk this road ourselves, but how to bring Mayla along this road too. Will and I were crying and Mayla just looked at us and kept saying, "Mommy, Papi crying? You sad?" The poor girl, so much to try and comprehend as a three year old, as we stand there crying. She kept telling us she wanted to go in the ground too and lay by Arabella. I wasn't sure how to inform her that her talking like that was NOT helpful in that moment. It was sweet, but that thought was TOO much for me, burying one child is more than enough already!We blew bubbles, we laughed, we talked, we all held each other, we surrendered this new chapter in our lives ;this new place and we ate birthday cake Oreos and sang. We celebrate everything. Pulling out of the cemetery Mayla says to us, 'me want to sit with Arabella!' I replied, 'you want to sit with her?' In her cute little voice she said, 'UH HUH!" I said, 'well where do you want to sit with her?" With a matter of fact voice she says, 'Sit with Arabella and Jesus in Heaven.....wiff Mommy and Papi too!!!' We praise God for what our family has gone through, I wouldn't change anything to have these conversations with my daughter! We surrender!

I'm really beginning to wonder 'what does she see at that cemetery?'

The sunset was BEAUTIFUL

'Death where is your sting?' 'Be joyful always!'

How can one walk through suffering and not come out bitter and empty? One looks for God in the midst of the suffering. We hurt, we long, we ache, we have hard moments, hard days, but we have seen God through this whole journey, have felt God through this journey, have sought God out through this journey and have not only run to his arms but literally at times fallen at his feet! Life throws us junk, how have you been training yourself to deal with it? It's going to come and the chances are it will happen on more than one occasion, on more than one level. "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me (Jesus). Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33, the only real peace comes from God. Try searching and looking for it in whatever or in whoever you want. You won't find it. More things? Won't do it. Bigger things? Won't do it. More money? Won't do it. Our pastor once said, 'If you can't be content where you are now, what makes you think you can be content 'over there'? "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:12, 13