The missing piece

It was the one thing I had waited f so long for, but yet the one thing I really didn't want. I was saddened everyone else there had a name, and ours only had a decoration and maybe initials. But when I first saw it, I went numb. There, my daughters name was on a granite slab, next to all the others, two dates written on it, with not enough time in between those days, yet incredible that we were chosen to get two dates and not just one. The imprint of her feet were so perfect and so real, it felt like yesterday I was rubbing those sweet toes and adoring the size of her perfectly shaped feet! There is sat, so high on the ground, fresh, new, unblemished. Seeing that opened up the flood gates of tears, it now felt permanente. Yet within that moment there was joy and there was hope for how far I have come since we first got her diagnosis February of 2015. I was standing in a sacred space and proud that we conveyed on her headstone a very important message, every life matters!

This was a VERY interesting find online today. I had NO idea something like this existed. I was actually feeling like a proud mommy when i read this, almost like she made the cemetery honor roll. In all seriousness, I feel honored to have been chosen to be her mother! And her mother I will always be!

Decorated for Easter by our amazing Neighbors

This week has been hard on me. I have found myself holding her blanket more the past week than past months, trying to sniff out any smell that may possibly be remaining. Mayla was trying too. She grabbed her sisters blanket earlier this week, picked it up and said, 'OH MOMMY, it smells like Arabella'! She was jubilant with excitement, and I will have to admit, there was a sweet fragrance lingering in there that did smell like Arabella. I smiled and thanked God for that gift. My longing for her may come from missing my husband, who has been working insane hours and not around much, or from the budding Arabella tree we planted after we lost her, or just the changing of seasons, or just because that's grief, and it's unpredictable and will always be a part of me.

Mayla colored her first family portrait the other night at Ele's place. She JUST learned how to draw people (this was actually my first time seeing this new found ability of hers) and this constantly brings tears to my eyes, but I was so proud, I had to hang this HUGE masterpiece on our wall. 

PAPI, MOMMY, SMALL ARABELLA and MAYLA

May is Anencephaly awareness month. I came across the following picture and it captured my heart. We called Mayla our little warrior girl, and now we have an Anencephaly Warrior too! Arabella was a fighter all right....man how I miss her!

The holiday tomorrow is also a tough one; Mothers Day; my heart breaks for those who lost their mother too early, or the ones that have also suffered the loss of a child, a still birth, or the ones desperate to be mothers who are fighting hard for a chance to hear a little one utter their name. When I think of where we are at in our journey, I cry with one eye and smile with another. I am saddened over the ones we have in Heaven this Mothers day, it pulls at my heart strings as I'm so torn, yet rejoice over the gift of Mayla. Every day I realize she is a miracle. She has a beautiful scar to help remind me too, and every day I surrender her back to God. Her, Arabella and Lil BE never fully belong(ed) to us; no, they were/are on precious loan to us. This mothers day, I will celebrate though, because I have so much to be thankful for, there maybe tears, and there maybe longings, but there is so much hope, there is so much joy and there is so much rejoicing over what I have been given and what lies before me. #celebrateeverything

I have about 400 more things to blog about, millions of thoughts that have ran through my mind and the countless blogs I have wrote in my head during the last months, but I'm just going to fess up and say, they won't ever happen (there I feel better I admitted it outloud)....i'm still trying to work on all those wonderful thank yous that about 20,000 people deserve! I wish I could hug you all personally. This journey has been rough, the worst patch was around the 4-5 month mark. If you know someone suffering a loss, store this little fact and check in during that time. If they say they are fine, dig a little deeper and ask again. My support group has been off the charts, the one person I struggled with the most was myself. I was (and still have days, some weeks too many) that I was my worst fear! I got help! There, I admitted that too and that feels good as well! If I didn't I knew I would not be the wife Will needed/nor wanted or the mother that Mayla needed/ nor wanted or the sister I needed to be, or the daughter I needed to be, or the aunt I needed to be. I got help, anything and everything that could be holding me back from the past, present or future was talked about and i've healed greatly! I"m not perfect, and that's ok. I have limitations, and that's okay. I mess up daily, and that's ok, but i'm also learning to fess up sooner, heal better, be bigger, and love more. Mayla has heard me admit to her countless times lately that i'm sorry for failing her, and for letting her down. I'm explaining how far from perfect I am, and that's why we need Jesus, someone to teach us how to forgive so that we can freely forgive others! Who needs to hear you say that you forgive them? Something big, something small? What's holding you back from healing and restoration?

This road has been amazing, I have NO regrets and i'm proud to be a mommy of two amazing Warrior Girls! Happy Mother's Day and hugs to all the mommies who are struggling with how to feel this Mothers Day!