NOT the anniversary we planned...

We first went in on April, 19th 2016. Thirty minutes before our appointment, my nerves kicked in, heading back into the same office where we had so much history, about to check on the status of our fourth child, the newest addition to our family. Seven weeks pregnant, we were overjoyed to be there. I was hopeful, but I couldn't focus on anything except how hard it seemed to breathe in that moment. My chest felt like it had a 30 pound weight pressing down on it, when I laid on the ultrasound table and she squeezed that warm goopy gel onto my belly, the weight on my chest doubled to the feeling of 60 pounds, I was light hearted and heavy hearted at the same time. And then, we saw it, the uterus with a good looking yoke sac inside , a life that had a heart beat fluttering steadily. We squeezed each other's hands, we smiled, and we surrendered! During the ultrasound though something rather interesting happened. The technician was playing music, a song came on that we played at Arabella's funeral and says; "You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name!" Will and I looked at each other, each thinking the same thing but neither of us saying a word. Out of all the songs in the world that could be played at this time, WHY this one? I almost felt at that moment God was trying to prepare our hearts. And for the fourth time, we fully surrendered another baby to Him, submitting to what he had planned for our future.

The weeks have been filled with thoughts of our rainbow baby, the excitement of sharing with family and friends, the hope of another life being formed inside my womb and Mayla finally getting the sibling she has been talking nonstop about! We never told her we were pregnant but she would bring it up on a daily basis, even telling me that we were having a baby boy and she was starting to pack toys away for him.  She would see baby items in the store and insist we bought them for her brother. We never told her, but we think God did! The dreams were coming, and December 12th was ingrained on my mind already as the future due date.

Last Friday I was overcome with fear, I sat in tears as I longed for Arabella and feared for the life that was inside me, it was the scariest point I had been since getting pregnant.  My mommy instincts knew something wasn't right, all I wanted to do was hug Mayla and hold her close and be near my husband. Sunday came and the signs started coming, but it was Mother's Day and I ignored them, and went about my day. Today there was no ignoring them.

Hope was diminishing by early this morning, and I had to cling to Trust. I had to trust that God knew what he was doing, I had to trust that he had our lives in his hands, and I had to trust that everything WOULD be ok! It was a battlefield! Two songs came on the radio back to back. The first, Blessed be your name (lyrics above), and the second was called Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson (had never heard it before today).

"In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
you alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm
When my hope and dreams are far from me, and I'm running out of faith
I see the future I pictured slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name."

Today as I once again squeezed my hubbies hand during our ultrasound and sat and looked at a screen with a uterus with no heart beat, the tears of pain and heartache began pouring down my face. Dreams were broken, desires were shattered and the pain was intense. Once again I mourned the loss of another child and another part of my heart was broken! I clung to my husband as I sobbed and cried out to Jesus. I felt the wounds open and salt being poured in, once again surrendering to the fact that we are in control of only ONE thing and it's the way we respond to what is thrown at us in life! We stood there in that dim lit room holding each other, praying and being thankful we had one another. He was my strong tower, uttering over and over, "it's nothing you did, You did nothing wrong, it's not your fault!" When we married each other exactly 8 years ago today this was NOT where I envisioned we would be spending our anniversary. This is all so raw...this morning I was straying from everything you stray from when you are pregnant, tonight I'm drinking tea and had soft cheese, pregnancy rules out the window, and my heart, body, and mind trying to figure out how to bounce back from this.

Our #CELEBRATEEVERTYHING hashtag is once again being put into practice as we travel down another bumpy road filled with many obstacles. I'm beginning to think my white surrender flag isn't big enough to be seen!

Why us, why this baby, why again? I don't know and it's hard, but it's ok. What I do know the answer to is what now? I wake up tomorrow, I get out of bed, I love Will, I love Mayla,  I love others, I breathe and I find peace and comfort in God! Through the tears, I surrender and I submit, because God's got this!

Another Ellis baby in Heaven, Baby Feeah