The day Jesus Welcomed her home

I was awake in the early morning hours today, during that time I reflected back on exactly one year ago today. Will and I were snuggled up with our warrior girl, enjoying snuggles and an abundance of love, not knowing how much longer she would hold on. By that time we had already said our goodbyes 3 different times, but here we were at 5 am, in the stillness of the morning and she was breathing like a champ on her own. We couldn't believe she made it through the night with us. We continuously fell more and more in love. I couldn't take my eyes off her soft skin, her scrunchy cute toes, her perfectly formed lips and nose, I was captivated by her and wanted to soak up every second knowing time was limited. People started showing up, one after the other, all astonished she made it through the night, as everyone had left her the night before, tears streaming down their cheeks saying their goodbyes. Once again she defeated the odds as I lay there breastfeeding her enjoying the most amazing bond a mother could experience with their child. 

Arabella was trucking along and assigned a pediatrician, he walked in and had perplexity written all over his face. The baby that was not compatible with life was given a pediatrician to over see her care. He was gentle, thorough and kind! He left and next on the agenda was working on going home. That required a car seat, something we for sure didn't want to bring to the hospital with us to avoid the pain of seeing it in the back of the car empty on our way home. But here we were now needing one. Amazing, she was allowing us to dream. We were scared!!!!!!

During the hospice talk, paperwork and life swirling around, Arabellas breathing became more labored, her oxygen levels bouncing up and down more and more. Once again we started our goodbyes. This time it was different. She was smiling, her eyes were opened, they were moving, she showed expressions. Interesting that when someone is dying they can look more peaceful? She was seeing glimpses of heaven, we witnessed the same thing 6 months earlier as my grandma died. It was the most amazing sight ever and I will forever lack the words to describe it. But, it was also my daughter, a sight no mother should ever witness. Sin entered this world way back in the beginning. We live in a fallen world and therefore things won't be perfect in this world, God warned us of that, many times in the bible. The good news is it will be perfect again one day, and it's a day we long for.

Arabella was leaving us, after an amazing 45 hours of life, she drank from a bottle, she breastfed, she smiled, she cooed, she loved more in that time than most people will ever experience. We were in awe of her! And every day we miss her! Today we celebrate the gift she gave, today we celebrate the many many ways that God showed up then and still does today!

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11

The road that we are on is a long one, sometimes I want to jump off it, but find I am stuck, like on new pavement, unable to move, other times i'm making new tracks, sometimes the tracks come so easy, other times so difficult. The road has smooth spots to it, bumpy spots and uphill ones where I feel like i'm making no progress. Other traffic just rushes by, and the wind is sometimes what keeps me moving forward!

God has been my rock through it all, or like one of my favorite songs says 'my light house'. He has led me safe to shore and will lead me in the darkness!

"A million times i've needed you,

A million times I've cried.....

If love alone could have saved you

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,

In death I love you still.

In my heart you hold a place,

no one else can ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

but you didn't go alone,

part of me went with you

the day God took you home."