The night before....

I see other little babies that would be Arabella's age and I want to wrap my arms around them. I saw a complete stranger the other day holding a squirmy little guy who looked to be 11 months old. It was hot and the mom was trying really hard to control the child and not let them get down since it was an unsafe environment for the little guy. In my head I had the whole conversation and my actions played out how I would approach this lady and tag team with her, just to have a chance at holding him. I did stop myself in fear she would think I was a freak. My good friend had a little boy a week after Arabella was born, he is a gift to me. My friend will never know the deep love I have for that little man, and how much joy he has given me. When I look at him, I can guess what Arabella would be doing, and the smiles he gives me are priceless! God knew what I would need, and he gave it to me! These are called hugs from God...he cares, he knows me and he sees me!

I was just looking back over our last year of pictures. A lot happens according to the pictures we take in a year! It was a blast, but one thing was common from month to month to month; There is someone missing in every family photo that is taken; A daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin, a granddaughter. Arabella bear made it into some pictures, that bear has become Mayla's BFF for one year now. Today Mayla bought her a new nuggi for her birthday:) Her way of going through grief and it's adorable. Hugs from God to hear her interact and take such good care of this 'pretend sister'. God cares, God knows, and God sees her!

Arabella Bear taking her first ride on the horse at the local grocery store.

I sat with a dear dear friend tonight by Arabella’s grave, after she left I stayed around, not quite ready to depart for the business of ‘life’ and the distractions that come ones way. There we were, Arabella and me, the wind, the memories, the images and then the tears. Oh how I miss her toes, and lips, she seriously had the most perfect lips I had ever laid eyes on, and her perfectly soft skin.

She was perfection. She was developmentally missing part of her skull, but I never notice that, and even though we did away with all the hats in the hospital after getting over the feeling like we had to ‘cover up her imperfections', I never ever have memories of that. When I think about her, see her, remember her, I see a perfect baby! She was fearfully and wonderfully made! God cares, God knows and God sees her!!!!

I have 300 thoughts racing through my mind, things I want to share, what I’ve learned over the past year, how I want to grow more, what advice I want to share with others going through something like this and I just can’t do it. I’m overwhelmed right now by people’s generosity. I”m overwhelmed right now by stories I’m still hearing 1 year later. I’m overwhelmed by how God really deeply cares. I’m overwhelmed by how I”m able to help others I don’t even know. I’m overwhelmed because of one of the best choices I have ever made, and that was to carry my baby to term, knowing she would not live! I’m overwhelmed because God chose me. God chose me!!!!!!!!

EXACTLY one year ago, Mayla dressing Arabella. That night we went to the hospital

I was scared, I was excited, I was not in control, I was surrendered to the one who made me and knew me. God was with us and he is to this day!

I sit in the dark, in the silence of the house:overwhelmed. I can no longer CLOSE the nursery room door, the room is FULL of stuff for her Birthday giveaway tomorrow (don't panic if you missed the date, i'm going to take another round of stuff there next week).  Tears run down my cheeks as I stand and look at the piles, i'm grateful, i'm in awe, i'm shocked, i'm brought to my knees in humility by all the love and support! THANK YOU!!!!!! Arabella's room was suppose to have all those things in it, and you have all made that possible, you have fulfilled a dream, my heart is full. My mommy cup runneth over!!

Will be delivered to Alpha Women's center tomorrow on Arabella's birthday. I"m SOOOO Excited!! THANK YOU THANK YOU! (This isn't all of it)