The countdown is on....

Psalm 56:8

This bottle and bible verse showed up in the mail from a dear friend. It sits on my window ledge above my kitchen sink (where I feel I spend about 40% of my day), and I read it daily, multiple times. It's one of many bible verses that brings me comfort, when I read it I feel held, I feel like I matter, Arabella matters, and God really does care! It says, 'You keep track of ALL my sorrows,' (not only some), 'You have collected ALL my tears' (not only some), You have recorded EACH one in your book' (not only a few). If you cry in secret, God knows, if you have secret sorrows, God knows. He not only knows, He keeps track, He collects, and He records!!! He IS a God worth serving, He is a God worth knowing, He is the only God I will serve, and he tells me over and over that he cares, even when life and situations don't look like it!

Yesterday I was seeing and feeling the beginning signs of our earth quake that we know is fast approaching. We had an appointment with our OB to discuss the next steps, an appointment I was dreading to be honest! This appointment we would be deciding our delivery date, and essentially the day we will most likely lose Arabella. It's a day that I know will be on our calendar for the years to come, and it will be a celebration, but without the one physically present to celebrate. August 20th, 2015 was decided upon, and as soon as our OB left the room Will and I just clung to each other and lost it. That is one week ahead of our due date, and a day our OB is on duty at the hospital all day. She has become such a huge part of our journey and we are praying it works for her to deliver Arabella, completing the story of our journey together. Between the many variables going into the delivery and the projected outcome and the amount of people to inform we felt lead to schedule a day but wanted it as close to our due date as possible to allow Arabella as much time as possible to grow. That means we have nine days to go and the rollercoaster of emotions continues. The thought of meeting this little joyful girl just elates me, but the thought of having to say goodbye at the same time scares me; I fall to my knees and submit to the God who is bigger than anencephaly, the God who is the same yesterday, today and forever regardless of the outcome!

Minutes later, while tears were still streaming down our cheeks, in walked two wonderful ladies from the Gift of life team, part two of a really emotional appointment was about to begin. Up until now I had only spoke with them on the phone; seeing them in person, talking, and signing papers made a situation that seemed like a distant event, very real. We discussed what the day events could look like, their procedure, and what we could donate. The thought of Arabella's tiny body parts being given to research and potentially saving another life brought me joy but not without tears and a torn feeling in my heart! The tears just streamed down my face as I sat there and prayed for them to be able to use all her organs, and at the same time prayed they wouldn't be able to use a single part of her becuase she would be perfectly healed and we get to keep her! As we agreed to donate heart valves, heart cells, the kidney, the liver, the stomach and the pancreas, Arabella kicked and punched and squirmed about. All I could think was her? Our daughter? this life moving about so rambunctiously inside me? How can it be? And to my knees I fall.

Nine days for us to love her with everything we have, nine days to share our life with her, nine days to care for her, nurture her, say good morning and good night to her, nine days to laugh with her, nine days to hold her, snuggle her, nine days to continue sharing how much Jesus loves her, just nine more days to carry her; I choose JOY and to my knees I fall.

We continue to pray for those that read these words, we Thank God for you. We pray that this God we write of is real to you, and we pray that if he's not, you will be open to exploring what a relationship with him looks like. He created you, he cares for you, and he's waiting for you. Most people don't know the hours or minutes that are left in their loved ones lives, we aren't certain either. But we continue to love, we continue to forgive and continue to give grace. Who in your life needs to hear from you that you love them, you forgive them, and who needs your grace. Life is too short and unexpected to live like you're in control, you aren't. And life is too long to live in regret.

'And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm'.

-Casting Crowns Praise You in this storm