Surrender

My stomach does the wave, then you see a massive protrusion, then nothing, then within seconds you feel a jab to the rib cage and more protrusions, then hiccups......Arabella's life is predicted to be short, but the amount she is moving now gives me no indication of that happening. With her weighing in at an estimated 6 pounds, her movements have been rather intense lately and she's making her presence known and I love every second. I'm at the stage of the pregnancy where i'm lucky to make it more than 2 hours at night in between bathroom visits, majority of that time just after waking up, Arabella joins in on the party and squirms about. I lay in bed holding my stomach, holding her, bonding, smiling. I welcome the snuggle time we get and thank God for that gift! The gift of her movement is HUGE as we still realize we can lose her at any second, so when I wake up in the morning and she wakes up too, my heart sings and I praise God for another day I get to spend with her, loving on her, caring for her, and having her in our lives! Every thing we do, she's a big part of too! If this is all we get of  her life, we are going to help her live it to the fullest! 

Mayla trying to hear Arabella's heartbeat. 

We have been trying to spend more time preparing Mayla for what the coming weeks might look like. Talk about heart wrenching and yet so innocent at the same time! Mayla and I were laying in her bed the other morning, like we do almost every morning, and after we got done praying together for Baby Nani, we were holding the Nani Bear and I said, 'Mayla, do you know there is a chance God won't grant us the miracle we have been praying for and he could possibly decide to have baby Nani go to heaven instead of come home with us?' She got this way serious look, she thought for a moment and then said, 'go down'. She was trying to make a connection, and the only other time she has constantly heard us talk about heaven is with her Great Grandma that passed away in February. She knows her body went down into the ground but she lives up in heaven. Since the cemetery is close by our house this was a huge discussion of ours for months and is now becoming one again! At times I think, are we seriously having these discussions with a toddler? The baby she has loved on for MONTHS, kissed, talked to, rubbed,  and called 'her own sister',  I'm now telling her that she won't be coming home with us? Really? We are talking about heaven instead of all the things we want to do with her little sister here on this earth? 'Just as a drought drives the roots of a tree deeper to find water, so suffering can drive us beyond superficial acceptance of truth to dependence on God for hope and life.'

We had an ultrasound last week, and I asked a question that I had not asked until that point, 'can you tell the severity of her anencephaly? It was never talked about in a single appointment, and part of me was okay with that, another part of me just wanted to know. She said it was very difficult at this stage, but looked like she was missing the whole frontal part of her skull from the eyes up but had the back part present. She once again tried to get a closer look, a profile image, a 3D image, something, but our little mystery baby continued her hiding! She had her head so far nestled into me that she was only able to get her ear this time and a foot, but what a cute ear and foot it is! I smiled and fell more in love as I visualized her taking advantage of the snuggle time she has with me as much as I am with her.

I'm 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant, this storm started over 25 weeks ago and has gone from a hurricane to a light rain storm to a torrential down pour, and we are trying to gear up for an earthquake, but honestly we can't. We imagine, we talk, we read, we cry, we pray, we hold each other, but still nothing we do is going to prepare us for what is to come! How do you prepare to say goodbye to someone you thought you would raise, someone you have so many dreams for.......I surrender!

For the first time throughout the whole pregnancy, I feel pregnant. This pregnancy has been amazing, I have felt incredible, running well into 7 months and still skiing at 8 months, but my body is now telling me to chill a bit, and I'm trying to listen! Braxton hicks have been happening more frequently, other random cramping and I get an occasional feeling Arabella is trying to make an early entrance, which of course we don't want. It's been an incredible, blessed, and humbling journey. Over the course of these 25 weeks, and especially as we get closer to the end, a number of friends/loved ones/even strangers have asked how they can help, what they can do; THANK YOU! We honestly can not tell/show each of you how much you all mean to us, your prayers, cards, texts, emails, gifts and generosity have overwhelmed us and brought us to tears of thanksgiving and praise to our father for the outpouring of love we have received. As far as the, 'how can I/we help' question, that is always a tough one, as the majority of the time we honestly don't know what we need in that moment. Another thing that's hard about that question is most of the day we've already made 1000 decisions we didn't feel like making, or thinking about things that no mother or father to be should have to think about that we honestly can not process one more thing. We have said this a lot, but prayer is huge, they are felt, they are needed, we love them and welcome them. Meals are fabulous. After going throughout the day wondering if 'this is a song' we want to play at her funeral? Or did we pick out the right outfit for the one day she will live? Dinner is the least of our worries, if you text me you're bringing food by, I will not say no! We will lift our hands in praise and forever be grateful. If you can't cook, or live out of town, we welcome pizza deliveries to our house as well:)

I recently came across this on a sign in a store and knew it would be the perfect addition to our walls! It sits across from the couch we most frequently use and I read it multiple times throughout the day! "In our family, we have faith, believe in grace, trust in God, expect miracles, give thanks, pray always, love one another, choose joy."

I long for more time, I long for more kicks, I long for more opportunities, I long for her life.....and I surrender. For you created Arabella's inmost being; you knit her together in my womb. I praise you becuase she is fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well....and I surrender!

All to you, we surrender; all to you we freely give...

I think she's already spent more time in a lake/pool or river than most 4 year olds.