I will carry you!

What a joy it's been to carry her, to feel her, to love on her, to nurture her, to grow close to her, to cuddle her, to hold her, to laugh at her, dance with her, make memories with her, to feed her, provide for her, and to let her know that we love her with everything we have! I am and forever she will be my daughter. When does one become a mother? I've thought about this a lot throughout the pregnancy. I believe one starts her motherhood the moment she decides against any form of contraception or protection, at that moment she is agreeing to the fact that life could form inside her and she needs to prepare and plan for that to happen.  The moment that stick reads 'PREGNANT" (weeks before actually), you are a mother. You have responsibilities, that child is a gift given to you and you begin (HOPEFULLY) to care for that precious life. When the child is born you have already had 9 plus months of practice! Arabella has been a gift for 9 months, and I have decided to choose Joy every day of her life that I could mother her, and I will enjoy the days, hours, minutes and seconds we have left, as hard as they might possibly be!

Our days have been filled with a peace that could only come from the father. We have laughed, we have cried, we have danced, we have mourned and we have celebrated over the last week and we have done it with the help of you! Your prayers are felt, they abound around us and we can feel them! 

I continue to be amazed at how well I thought I was planning and prepping early on, only to be running around in these last few days searching for last minute items and still trying to finalize a birth plan! I had a total mommy freak out the other day while trying to pack for the hospital (yes still working on that one, ha). I pulled out the outfits we had for Arabella and just lost it. "Is this really what we are going to burry her in?" I showed Will in total disbelief that none of the hats matched the burial outfit and this was NOT ok to me! Based on his response and look (even though it was extremely loving), it was obviously a crazy hormonal female pregnant thing but I couldn't get over it. I laid in bed that night, unable to sleep and could not stop thinking about it. I have one chance, maybe two to pick out clothes and dress my daughter, that's it. I"m not a fashionable person by ANY means, but I want it to be perfect! 

We have also been spending a lot of time trying to think of as many possible keepsake items as we can for our family. Special gifts for Mayla and special things we can do with Arabella. We don't want any regrets and this has taken some thought and time! The hospital we have heard does a great job with this as well, but we would rather have extras then 'wish we hads'. 

The plan, Lord willing I make it, anything is possible, is that Will and I will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow night at 9:30pm (Yes wednesday night now). They will start with a softening tablet.  If the cervix is not ready, and they start the IV of pitocin, it can be worse for the baby so we hear. So they are making sure all the steps will have been met before continuing on. The softening tablet could be one time or two times or three times, just depends on how my body responds. After that they start the IV. She could come any time early thursday morning, thursday throughout the day or some time friday, there are no guarantees and no way of planning. She needs to take one breathe in order for any of her organs to be donated, this is obviously a HUGE prayer request that she meets this requirement and of course we would absolutely LOVE to have minutes with her alive! As soon as she passes, granted she takes that one breathe, we then would have one hour with her before we would have to give her over to the gift of life team for them to start their recovery. She then would come back to us about 2-3 hours later, bathed and dressed for us to have as much time with her as we would like. The gift of life team calls around to see what organs are needed, please join us in prayer especially for the heart valves that they can be used as most of the other things would only be going to research, which is fantastic, but the thought of part of her being able to live and save another life excites me and we are praying for the timing of it all! We surrender! 

From Jesus Calling: "Find me in the midst of the maelstrom. Sometimes events whirl around you so quickly that they become a blur. Whisper my Name in recognition that I am still with you. Without skipping a beat in the activities that occupy you, you find strength and Peace through praying my name more fully. Accept each day just as it comes to you. Do not waste your time and energy wishing for a different set of circumstances. Instead, trust Me enough to yield to my design and purposes. Remember that nothing can separate you from My loving Presence; you are mine." I do not have a single regret from the pregnancy, nor the way I mothered her. I easily could. Was something overlooked? Was something forgotten? Could the outlook have been different? I don't know and I won't ever know, but what I do know is that I didn't use the last 27 weeks trying to change it or figure it out. I accepted it, I chose joy and I learned how to be a better person for my family and my friends! I learned how to respond to day after day of tough choices, and each morning I got up and did it again, and each day with hope, grace and mercy. This story has never been about me, Will, Mayla or Arabella. This is Gods story and we are thankful he chose us. This is the same God that sees YOU, that knows YOU, that loves YOU. The same God that remembers the day you were a blotch of nothing waiting to be a something. The same God that thinks about you, and longs for you to know Him. It's the same God that sees you and I turn away from Him to other things. It's the same God who's heart breaks when we wander from one empty moment to another, it's also the same God that laid down his Life for the ones He created, and He did it without reservation- FOR YOU!!!! Why? Because He's crazy about you, wants you as His own. His love knows no bounds, and knows no limits. The depth and breadth and height of His love is beyond our comprehension. The only other love we have experienced has been limited, minute and insignificant but God's love transcends all other love. But it is your choice to accept or deny. You may know about this extravagant gift of love. You may have even accepted God's gift. But are you holding back? Afraid? Apprehensive? Unsure? What will this God ask of you? What will He require? God can see us comparing, judging, holding Him up to the light of others who have loved us and let us down, who have broken their promises and abandoned us. Remember. God loves you with an everlasting love. YOU are his most treasured possession. He WILL NOT let you go, abandon you or break His promises to you, that's not who He is. He longs for you to want him. Know Him. Come to Him. Surrender your very being to Him. For in the surrendering you will find life and in the knowing you will discover freedom. Will you open the door of your heart to His love? Will you step into an intimate, take your breath away love relationship with the one who knows you best and loves you most? He's waiting! 

I will step into that Hospital tomorrow night with God by my side and Will holding my hand. We have committed to each other to be better through this storm for each other and to be there for one another no matter the cost. We committed on our wedding day to walk through life with one another and God no matter what raged up around us. "A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 

Arabella Nani Ellis, we can't wait to lay our eyes on you, sweet daughter of ours! 

I WILL CARRY YOU - Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says?

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me

To carry you