Where we go from here.

Our earthquake has hit, we see the pieces all around us, feel the brokenness, sense the devastation, where do we go from here?!

We are in this super awkward part of life.  What's the right balance? What's it suppose to feel like? What does day to day life look like? How do we act? To simply answer those, we just go with it! If we are laughing, we laugh. If we are crying, we hold each other. If we are doing silly little tasks just to keep our mind busy, we just go with it! If we feel like sitting and cuddling for an hour, we do it! We literally just go with it! Bubble baths seem to work for the girls....when in doubt, add bubbles and just go with it:)

My emotions are all over the board, I suspect that's normal,  but i'm new at this:) I go from wanting to run into the Baby Room (known more now as the toy room), and grab her blanket and just bask in it, cuddle into it, hold it, inhale it, surround myself in it and walk around the whole house with it draped over my shoulders. Then the next day, I don't want to see it, touch it, smell it, the pain is too deep and I feel as if I will cave....then I feel guilty. The cycles, the rollercoaster, I knew they would all be present, but oh how long...my thought is, forever!

Someone asked me the other day, 'Are you....surviving?'! And without hesitation, I answered with an adamant YES! We are surviving, but I will also add, I feel like we are thriving! We are enjoying life, we are grateful, we are full of life, we are brushing our teeth and eating well (thanks to the outpouring of amazing meals and gift cards and grocery shoppers or that one might be questionable). We are doing all this while mourning. We have realized that mourning and celebrating are two words that, when walking with Jesus, are two words that can be in the same sentence. We love our daughter Arabella, we miss her like crazy, I pretty much think about her every minute of every day, I would LOVE to have her physically present in this house waking me up at all hours of the night and being completely, emotionally, physically and mentally drained from a newborn, not her buried a few feet below the ground, but she's not here, and that's ok! We submit and we rejoice! If you have a newborn home, or if you are about to have a newborn home, celebrate the dirty diapers, celebrate the lack of sleep, celebrate the lack of showers, celebrate the dirty house because you have been given life, celebrate EVERYTHING!

Today I saw a pregnant lady, it's like an epidemic here in Grand Rapids I swear, so if you come visit, BEWARE! It was the first time my feelings/thoughts ran rampant inside of me seeing one of those kind of people:) It was awkward for me, and I actually even wanted to go up and talk with her, doubly awkward for me to experience that feeling as well! I wanted to know if her pregnancy was 'normal'?  Was she happy? Did she enjoy what she was experiencing or only complain? Does she know how much of a miracle that life inside her is, every pregnancy is a miracle, did she know that? When that baby came out and cried would she complain? I would give anything to have a whole day of a colicy Arabella? Even another couple hours! Pregnant lady in the parking lot, love your baby and have no regrets!' Love that little boy or girl for me and hug that precious little bundle lots!  "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Lately the biggest decision i've been working on making is how many towels to pack, and which reading material do I want to bring along with me? And do I really think I will have time to read? Will, Mayla and I are getting away. My Aunt and Uncle are lovingly opening their home to us, a home which is called 'Rediscovery' (how perfect is that)! It's up in Northern Michigan on one of our favorite lakes, Lake Leelanau! PURE MICHIGAN BEAUTY! It's one of our happy places! We have NO words to describe the excitement over this get away for us! Our phones are usually left some place, and the dock, the water, and our boat consume most of our touch! We are looking forward to the healing, the family time, the memories we will make and the joy we will share together enjoying God's creation!

We still have SOOOO much to share though, and I'm currently working on, slowly working on I should say, Arabella's 45 hours with us, her story through her mother's eyes! I honestly can not WAIT to publish that one for you! I sit here and smile now thinking back to what she gave us! Thank you for all your support, prayers, text, love, meals, cards, gift cards, visits, etc! We honestly will NEVER be able to find the words or actions to let you know how much you all mean to us! We will continue to try though and pray that God some how lets you in on our thankfulness!!!!!!

A lot of you have expressed that you aren't sure what to say, or don't want to say anything to us in case it's the wrong thing, that's ok. In fact, tell us that because it opens the door for us to talk about it. Honestly if I were in your situation and the roles were reversed, I would probably be one of those people that RAN when I saw you coming in fear I would say something stupid and make you cry! So we have attempted to offer some of our thoughts for you!

Will and Keri's list of helpful hints/tips!
~Even though we had little time with Arabella, the parental attachment is still strong.
~We may feel or think in a way that seems strange to you, give us time to grieve (this is different for everyone), and accept us for who we are, parents.
~Talk about Arabella, ask us to talk about her, be yourself! She is our daughter, we love her just like you love your kids, and we love to talk about her! By us talking about our pain, you are helping us come to grips with it, let us know you are there and you care! Hug us:)
~Be prepared for us to cry (more Keri than Will), that's ok if we do, you haven't done ANYTHING WRONG!! If you do or don't cry, we don't judge or think any less of you or more of you!
~Do say: I'm Sorry, I'm here. I want to listen. This must be hard for you. Tell me about her. Tell me about your labor/delivery. How much did she weigh, how tall was she.
~Don't say: You're young, you can have others. You have an angel in heaven (while that's great, we really don't want an angel in heaven, we want our Arabella). This happened for the best. Better for this to happen now before you knew the baby. There was something wrong with the baby anyways. Don't be sad, don't cry. If you need anything, call me (bereaved parents seldom reach out. State a specific time you'll check in with the person, then do so).
~Call Arabella by name (even if you don't know how to pronounce it:) It tells us that you acknowledge her and you are helping us identify her as a person.
~Give grace. Grief doesn't end at the heaven party. We will go on with our lives, but we will never be the same. We will develop a new sense of 'normal'.
~You are important to us during this journey, now and in the months to come! It's never too late to express your feelings with us!

The day we buried Arabella, we all matched in orange! I'm going with two things, we are sisters and have a WAY crazy connection, and two, I think it would have been Arabella's favorite color:) 

Smoothie Dinner....remember we just go with it some times! 

This big sister thought she was pretty hot stuff slurping her dinner up through her straw...we relished the moment together!

AND one pic that is becoming an all time fav of mine...I could NOT resist:) See, proud parents here!!!!!!! I picture her cradled in Jesus arms just like this!