Keri's turn...

I’ve never liked rollercoaster rides. I remember going on my first ride. We were with some family friends and the dad sat by me as I was a little apprehensive about the whole thing, well a lot actually. After the ride was over he said that was the first time he had ever seen me without freckles, my face was white. I’m sure I stopped breathing for the whole experience as fear ran rampant through my whole body….I walked away confident that if I never did that again my whole life, I would be okay! I’m now finding myself back on that rollercoaster ride, and even though, just like that day when I was a little girl, I didn’t like it, I survived, and I’ll survive this too!

Welcome to our blog! We started a story, we started an adventure, and we started a journey that many of you have traveled on with us, and we want to keep going….together! The reason for the blog is to more simply (for us) update family and friends about what is happening with our family. Before, we were sending emails, Facebook, and other stuff to keep all the peeps in the know. Going forward, all you want to know about our family (well maybe not all…) can be found here. So here we go, thanks for joining us!

Thursday, September 27^th, a day I will never forget. We woke up eager that day, in great anticipation that ‘today’ would be the day we could ‘free’ our girl from the children’s hospital. But the week had so many ups and downs, we tried not to get too excited! Excitement showed up when we arrived into the NICU that morning and heard the words, ‘she has gained weight, has been off the monitor for 24 hours, you can put her own clothes on her and bring her home’. I cannot even find words to describe what that felt like to hear. I’ve replayed that conversation over in my head a thousand times and my body still floods with the chills.

She was peacefully sleeping in her bed, so we left her and ran back to pick out the perfect take home outfit. We had brought a few different items, not sure what the temp would be like, not sure how big she would be when we could finally take her home and to be honest, not sure really what would fit her. For three weeks others had been picking out her clothes (and many days I wondered where they got them from) and dressing her, and now it was our turn. When I first went shopping for the ‘perfect take home outfit’ MONTHS and MONTHS ago, this situation was NEVER one I envisioned, and to me, the take home outfit had even more meaning now.  We were claiming her as ours, something for 3 weeks I was unsure of. We ran back to the place we called home and Will and I were moving about frantic like, unable to process a clear thought or figure out what to do. We started packing, and then realized we can get her out, then pack. We walked back to the Kinderspital, and this time the walk over held a different feeling. One of hope, freedom, excitement and of course, nervousness. We had walked that walk so many times in fear of what laid ahead for the day in the children’s hospital, it was weird to think that our day was not going to be spent there. We could actually even have dinner at home.

We unfortunately had to wake our sleeping beauty up to get her dressed, but she handled the disturbance rather well, and then we did it, we put on HER clothes that we had picked out. My heart was rejoicing, and a sense of mothering showered upon me as I was finally able to care for her in a new way. We then picked her up, wrapped her in HER blanket and started towards the door. We thanked the nurses, and gave many smiles. I wanted to run up and hug each of them personally, they had been our family for the past 3 weeks and I appreciated them and I wanted to go and kiss all the babies good bye, even though I didn’t know them, I would miss them!

We walked out the door, and coming in was Emile’s mom. I was nervous at first when I saw her as she has never made eye contact with me nor said a word to me, my first reaction was to just walk by, but then I stopped, looked her in the eyes and said, ‘All the best for your family’. Surprisingly she smiled and said the same for ours. It was a heartfelt moment, and I’m glad I said something. Having that run in was not easy for me though. Their little daughter had been there longer, and we were the ones leaving. My heart was torn, I was excited we were the ones leaving, but my heart broke for the others who had to stay behind. It was a hard moment. We then walked down the NICU hallway, a hallway that held so many different emotions, but today it was a hallway of freedom. I was sad that I would not get to say goodbye to some of the other mothers I had gotten to know and before I knew it, one mom came out of the bathroom right in front of us. We embraced and once again I was torn, I wanted her son to be going home too. There is a bond that forms between ICU and NICU parents, and even though I’ll probably never see those parents again, I feel connected to them! We carried our girl with pride and out the doors we went. We had dreamed of this day, longed for this day and hoped for this day and by the grace of God, it was now here!

Our journey home was perfect, Mayla slept the whole way! She kept sleeping even when we entered the doors of our flat. As she laid peacefully asleep in the car seat, I resisted the urge to ‘get stuff done’ and ‘tried’ to sleep, but the prima grin on my face kept me awake. I had thought so much about what this day would look like and here it was, right before me! The first night was great. She ate well and actually even slept well. I was elated and looked forward to this new journey the three of us were on. Then day one hit, first full day home, and I was no longer looking forward to the journey! A switch was flipped and Mayla was one unhappy baby!

Mayla would cry, and cry and scream and scream. The only place she seemed happy was on the red bouncing exercise ball or sleeping in our arms. I was confused, scared, frustrated and felt helpless. I had been babysitting for over 20 years, and never saw a baby like ours. She would be in a dead sleep and just scream out in pain, she was so stressed and sensitive I didn’t even know how to handle her. We had dreamed so much of getting our girl out of the hospital. We would always say to each other as we sat next to her in the NICU or ICU, ‘it will be so much better when we can get her home, it will be so much easier when we are home.’ We were now home and NONE of this was true, and I just wanted to go back to the hospital. Mayla’s disposition was taking its toll on me, on my husband, and on our marriage. We went from being this strong team to separate people, neither of us sure who the other one was or how to handle these new feelings that had never been present in our marriage. I wanted to be a good wife, and at the same time be a good mom, and I felt like I was failing at both. I wanted it to be better. I thought about bringing her back to the hospital, I wasn’t ready for this and hoped they could take her back. It was hard there, but we could leave. When things got to be too much, we walked away, we went and got something to eat, or went for a walk, we had outs. We could leave her every night and re-energize, connect as husband and wife and had time to get strength from each other and the Lord. All that was lost when we came home. I was torn, and I was scared. The little girl I had dreamed about for so long, was now in my arms and I all I could think was I didn’t want this one, this was NOT the baby I dreamed about.

Up until that point I had a hard time praying. What do I ask God for, what do I even say to Him. I had so much pain and confusion and was angry at Him for doing this to us. Wasn’t the three weeks we spent in the hospital already enough, why more, why us? I wondered when I would be able to make it through a day without hysterically balling. I felt Satan in our midst, and no matter what we did, he remained. He tried second by second to break us, to kill the bond between daughter and mom and daughter and dad. He tried relentlessly to break up our marriage and come between us in every way possible.  He beat my husband down, day after day, and took his punches at me too. Then one night, bouncing on the ball, trying to bring my daughter some peace, I was balling my eyes out and crying out to the Lord that I could not handle it any longer, I was done. He then reminded me of Job, and reminded me that he will not give me more than I can handle! I knew the Lord had a plan in all of this, and I needed to find a way to get past the self-pity and start saying, thank you Lord, thank you that I’m traveling this road, thank you Lord I’m worthy of being able to endure this situation with you by my side and thank you Lord that you gave me THIS special girl to love. I started each day with a new attitude and wondered through all of this, what is the Lord trying to teach us.

I was really struggling with Mayla’s personality and humbled over and over by her. I’ve been babysitting for so long, and been called the baby whisperer on more than one occasion and now here was my own daughter who I could not calm or soothe. Humbling indeed. I’ve always been praised by others for how I was with children, and was always told, ‘you’re going to make a great mom some day’, and here I was wishing this child was not mine and feeling like the worst mother in the world, and I never knew what to do with her and I was scared to leave home with her. Humbling indeed. When I was pregnant and saw other mother’s or heard of other stories, I would think to myself, ‘that won’t be me’, or my daughter won’t_______’ and here I was, HUMBLED! The Lord was trying to ‘sweetly break’ us and it was hard (and still is). I started to throw everything to the cross, and try to be a strong tower for my daughter, she needed me and the only way she would have me is if I rested in the loving arms of my Lord and Savior. She not only needed me, she needed us..Mommy and Daddy. She needed us to get past ourselves, and work as the team we knew we were.

We never expected to go through any of this with Mayla. We never expected the heart surgery, we never expected the hospital stay, we never expected to live near the hospital the first three weeks of our daughters life, we never expected to see the things we have seen, and we never expected such a rough start at home. We were kind of hoping for a ‘get out of jail for free card’ once we arrived home and that has not been the case. We have learned over and over and over and over that our plans don’t matter to the Lord, and we can think we are in control of every situation, but eventually He will prove that He is the one in control. We’ve learned that we can try to plan, but if we don’t consider the Lord in our plans it will most likely end in a disaster.

Last week we were studying up on having a high needs baby, and what our life would look like with a child that we could never put down, and never leave alone. We were worried and stressed over what this new life would look like and feeling weighed down by all of it. And then came Thursday. Weeks ago I had been referred to an Osteopath doctor for Mayla and out of desperation called and made an appointment. The original appointment was not until November 1^st, but I received a call that day that they had a cancelation; I was elated and ready to see what this was all about. The appointment was an hour long and it was so fun sharing Mayla’s story with the doctor. We walked out of there a little leery about the treatment but figured we would wait and see if we noticed any difference in our little miracle baby! Well we didn’t have to wait long. That night sweet baby Mayla was content for over 2 hours and was so chill it was amazing! We thought maybe it was a fluke, but Friday a happy little girl showed up and stayed around all day. I went to bed shocked and excited to see what today held. And once again, a happy little content girl has emerged who has now taken two naps with no one or NO thing holding her. I keep looking at her, smiling and saying THANK YOU JESUS! Will and I have said a few times today that we have received a new daughter.

We have now been home with Mayla for one month, and each morning I have woken up and told myself I need to just survive this day…and I have! And there have even been days I’ve done it with a smile on my faceJ I’ve even managed to make it some days without a massive break down, without shedding any tears. I’ve leaned more on the Lord and have felt a renewed strength, and a renewed hope.

Mayla is a special girl, with a special story and she knows it. She has had a rough start and you can tell she is still trying to figure things out and we are here to help her along that path! Will and I have had a rough start, and we too are still trying to figure things out, and we are looking to the Lord for help along the way.

Looking back I wouldn’t change anything, I wouldn’t want this any other way. I have seen Mayla go from a vegetable state of being, to totally stressed to a happy little girl. The journey has been intense but I’m loving seeing more of her personality come out every day and how to parent this special little girl!

As confused as we have been about the way our daughter has been acting, we are just as confused as to what the Lord is doing with us. We continue to pray for a job for Will and look forward to the Lord filling us in on his plans, whether it be in America or Switzerland, or……Despite the uncertainty, it has been a blessing that Will has been around for this whole journey. We can see the Lord’s hand in the timing of it all and we are so grateful for it!

Thank you again for your continued support and encouragement. The cards, gifts, notes, emails, and facebook messages have meant the world to us as we have journeyed from ICU to NICU to ICU to NICU to home. It’s been an interesting adventure and we know it will only continue!