....but our hope remains in Him!
Psalm 42:5
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Our sweet little baby Nani was bringing about some serious smiles today in the ultrasound room by her inability to cooperate. No matter where that little wand (transducer) was put, she was there with a fist, knee, or foot to promptly kick it away. The best was when we actually all watched it happen live on the screen, she took her fist and punched it, almost as if it was a 3d movie, we watched and chuckled. The tech was even having some good laughs! Despite the laughing I was a bit saddened as it's such a huge want of mine to have a good solid pic of her! Part of us has a secret desire that it's God' humor showing through and him not allowing us to 'properly' see little miss, to keep her a mystery till the day she is born. That's where the fine line comes into play, the line that has been there the WHOLE pregnancy. The majority of us that is craving, desiring and dreaming up a miracle, yet the other part of us that needs to prepare somehow, too, for what reality could be! After a light hearted fun ultrasound appointment watching her bounce around on the screen and hear that everything was within 'normal' ranges and celebrating that huge news, we were side swiped by reality meeting with neonatal, a social worker and the bereavement worker from spectrum. Nothing could have prepared me for that meeting!
Being pregnant and having life roll around and punch inside you at the same time you are hearing a doctor discuss starving that life if she was not going to survive is one of the HARDEST emotions to possibly describe! BROKEN! The decisions, the emotions, the thoughts and the numbness were over the top within that small room. ME? US? OUR BABY? REALLY LORD? Nothing made sense, yet I kept hearing over and over......"I am the same yesterday, today and tomorrow" -Hebrews 13:8. God was the same sitting in that meeting as he was before I walked into that meeting! "'For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jer. 29:11. If we knew before we had Mayla that her heart would need fixing, we might not have decided to get pregnant, we did have her and we are thankful! God gives us LIMITED understanding, no knowledge of the future and the ONLY thing he tells us over and over in the bible is he will take care of us! THAT is true and that's what we know!!! That hope is the hope we choose to cling to, no matter the battle that rages!
There's one thing going on a hospital tour, there's another thing about doing a hospital tour and seeing the room your daughter has a 99% chance of dying in. Yet our hope remains in Him.
My God is bigger than anencephaly, and he's bigger than us. In the end,we want what he wants!
 |
| two separate pics, two separate rejections!!She has her arms/hands totally crossed in front of her face.. |
 |
| she knew the paparazzi were trying to sneak in on her..and we fell more in love!!!! |
I work in the neonatal unit at Helen DeVos. Is your sweet Nani coming to the NICU? If she is I would love to take care of her and you. Your posts have really touched my heart. You are so strong and so loving.
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah, THANK you for writing and for your words! Such an amazing job you have and thank you for loving on all those babies! We are delivering at Spectrum downtown, right now we don't have a date but should have one in the next few weeks! My email address is keri.ellis22@gmail.com, shoot me an email so I can write you back when we know when we will be delivering! Thank you again!!!
Delete