Three years ago to this day I was surrounded by loving friends, cute little presents all wrapped in sweetness and baby decorations streaming from every corner of the room, it was a baby shower for Mayla. Today I met with a funeral director. One held so many laughs, so many dreams and so much excitement. And the other; lost dreams, a sobering reality, and tears.
It was a day that I knew was coming for months now, but yet one I wanted to run from. Some times I think if I just ignore it, or don't make the phone call, everything will be ok. Our funeral guy just so happens to be my brother in law. At times it's a great connection to have (in an awkward sort of way), other times like tonight, it's the last thing you want it to be. You know that the man sitting across from you is not only discussing these plans for OUR daughter, but yet his future niece. The pain is felt on both sides of the table. His words, guidance and advice held a lot of meaning. I kept wondering if this was really happening, were we really sitting there planning for OUR daughter. I kept trying to remove myself from the situation and think it was someone else we were getting information for, but that only lasted so long before something would make it extremely real and the tears would flow. I clung to Will's arm as the nights cool breeze brushed past us, the warmth of his body felt good next to mine and I was thankful for Him in that dark moment and glad we had each other to lean on during this time.
I've been reading more and more that it's not uncommon for babies with anencephaly to make their entrance early into the world, this coupled with some different things i'm feeling lately has me in a bit of 'go mode'. I'm realizing that everything i've been thinking about and planning for the last couple months really should be crossed of the to do list, no matter how much I hate to do it and tonight was one of those things. The little itty bitty casket that we had just talked to my brother in law about, the one that would hold our daughter, needed to have an outfit go along with it, so tonight was Will and Keri funeral shopping night and it was hard! As one hand fiddled through hangers and outfits, my other hand rested on my bouncing belly. Were we really suppose to be picking out a burial outfit for the jumping, flipping, spinning, vibrant life that was inside me? It seemed impossible. Overall I was holding up ok until I came across a shirt that said, 'little sister'! The tears flowed fast, and as I pulled it off the rack I felt 1000 dreams fly away to a place they will forever stay. I held that shirt and no matter what the price tag said was going to buy it. No matter if she lives 1 day or 1 second, she will be Mayla's little sister and it was worth her having a shirt to celebrate and claim that title! What I was most thankful for tonight, that fact that we made it in and out of every store with out a single person asking me a single question or making a single comment about what was bought, that would have been too much, I was SOO thankful for that answered prayer.
When we had Mayla we always use to joke, and even wrote about it during her birth, that everything we were going through as new parents was in NO baby book. NOTHING prepared us for what we were going through with her, and likewise here we are again. We always talked about writing a book titled, "What not to expect when you are expecting"! We joked about it forever, however we are becoming experts on this subject. We just wanted to fit into a book somewhere, to feel like we were part of the 'norm'. We wanted Part 4, 'After the baby is born' to be a part that pertained to us, but it wasn't then and it won't be now. Our part 4 now is: 1. Have you contacted Hospice 2. Have you made arrangements with the funeral home 3. What will your baby be buried in? 4. What will you tell the toddler at home who is wondering how come the new baby can't come home? and 5. How will you cope?
Overall i'm still feeling pretty energized, and healthy, but just like imagined, things are getting tougher! I'm soooooo looking forward to laying my eyes on this wonderful bundle that has been flipping and flopping and punching and kicking inside me, and has become such a big part of our days, but at the same time what's hard is knowing that birth and death could come in the same day and for that reason I want to stay pregnant. Right now she is protected, thriving and growing, and from what I read, I know that as soon as labor starts, that process is going to go down hill. Labor will follow the same road that the whole pregnancy has, there will be a massive mix of emotions as that day rolls around.
This Friday we FINALLY have our long awaited ultrasound. We are beyond excited to see her, get more pictures, get an update on how she is doing and check my amniotic fluid levels. Combined with this appointment is also an appointment with the neonatal team and a bereavement counselor. It will be a jam packed afternoon filled with an array of emotions that i'm already praying over and would love your prayers for too.
I'm days away from being 33 weeks pregnant and the nursery is still empty, baby clothes from the past that I was eagerly looking forward to using again one day still sit in boxes in the basement. Baby toys and baby bottles still left for the dust to collect in them. Seven weeks to go, and the eager excitement and baby paraphernalia that usually comes with a pregnancy at this stage is non existent. And the pain is deep! I've been reading in Job lately, and that man had a LOT of pain; a LOT of loses and a lot of things that made no sense to him what so ever while he was in the midst of storm after storm after storm. Job realized he only had two choices though: (1) he could curse God and give up or (2) he could trust God and draw strength from him and continue. Despite the heartache, the battles and the storm that rages, I continue to trust God, draw my strength from Him and continue on this path! What tragedy or pain or suffering or misfortunes or loses have you encountered lately? What choice have you made, 1 or 2? My hope and prayer for every single person who reads this is that you know you DO have a choice, that's part of God's huge love plan for us and I pray you choose the 2nd option. And just like you are witnessing in our life that it doesn't necessarily mean less stresses and an easy life, but it does mean more strength as you hold on tight to the one who loves you more than you can comprehend!
It was a day that I knew was coming for months now, but yet one I wanted to run from. Some times I think if I just ignore it, or don't make the phone call, everything will be ok. Our funeral guy just so happens to be my brother in law. At times it's a great connection to have (in an awkward sort of way), other times like tonight, it's the last thing you want it to be. You know that the man sitting across from you is not only discussing these plans for OUR daughter, but yet his future niece. The pain is felt on both sides of the table. His words, guidance and advice held a lot of meaning. I kept wondering if this was really happening, were we really sitting there planning for OUR daughter. I kept trying to remove myself from the situation and think it was someone else we were getting information for, but that only lasted so long before something would make it extremely real and the tears would flow. I clung to Will's arm as the nights cool breeze brushed past us, the warmth of his body felt good next to mine and I was thankful for Him in that dark moment and glad we had each other to lean on during this time.
I've been reading more and more that it's not uncommon for babies with anencephaly to make their entrance early into the world, this coupled with some different things i'm feeling lately has me in a bit of 'go mode'. I'm realizing that everything i've been thinking about and planning for the last couple months really should be crossed of the to do list, no matter how much I hate to do it and tonight was one of those things. The little itty bitty casket that we had just talked to my brother in law about, the one that would hold our daughter, needed to have an outfit go along with it, so tonight was Will and Keri funeral shopping night and it was hard! As one hand fiddled through hangers and outfits, my other hand rested on my bouncing belly. Were we really suppose to be picking out a burial outfit for the jumping, flipping, spinning, vibrant life that was inside me? It seemed impossible. Overall I was holding up ok until I came across a shirt that said, 'little sister'! The tears flowed fast, and as I pulled it off the rack I felt 1000 dreams fly away to a place they will forever stay. I held that shirt and no matter what the price tag said was going to buy it. No matter if she lives 1 day or 1 second, she will be Mayla's little sister and it was worth her having a shirt to celebrate and claim that title! What I was most thankful for tonight, that fact that we made it in and out of every store with out a single person asking me a single question or making a single comment about what was bought, that would have been too much, I was SOO thankful for that answered prayer.
When we had Mayla we always use to joke, and even wrote about it during her birth, that everything we were going through as new parents was in NO baby book. NOTHING prepared us for what we were going through with her, and likewise here we are again. We always talked about writing a book titled, "What not to expect when you are expecting"! We joked about it forever, however we are becoming experts on this subject. We just wanted to fit into a book somewhere, to feel like we were part of the 'norm'. We wanted Part 4, 'After the baby is born' to be a part that pertained to us, but it wasn't then and it won't be now. Our part 4 now is: 1. Have you contacted Hospice 2. Have you made arrangements with the funeral home 3. What will your baby be buried in? 4. What will you tell the toddler at home who is wondering how come the new baby can't come home? and 5. How will you cope?
Overall i'm still feeling pretty energized, and healthy, but just like imagined, things are getting tougher! I'm soooooo looking forward to laying my eyes on this wonderful bundle that has been flipping and flopping and punching and kicking inside me, and has become such a big part of our days, but at the same time what's hard is knowing that birth and death could come in the same day and for that reason I want to stay pregnant. Right now she is protected, thriving and growing, and from what I read, I know that as soon as labor starts, that process is going to go down hill. Labor will follow the same road that the whole pregnancy has, there will be a massive mix of emotions as that day rolls around.
This Friday we FINALLY have our long awaited ultrasound. We are beyond excited to see her, get more pictures, get an update on how she is doing and check my amniotic fluid levels. Combined with this appointment is also an appointment with the neonatal team and a bereavement counselor. It will be a jam packed afternoon filled with an array of emotions that i'm already praying over and would love your prayers for too.
I'm days away from being 33 weeks pregnant and the nursery is still empty, baby clothes from the past that I was eagerly looking forward to using again one day still sit in boxes in the basement. Baby toys and baby bottles still left for the dust to collect in them. Seven weeks to go, and the eager excitement and baby paraphernalia that usually comes with a pregnancy at this stage is non existent. And the pain is deep! I've been reading in Job lately, and that man had a LOT of pain; a LOT of loses and a lot of things that made no sense to him what so ever while he was in the midst of storm after storm after storm. Job realized he only had two choices though: (1) he could curse God and give up or (2) he could trust God and draw strength from him and continue. Despite the heartache, the battles and the storm that rages, I continue to trust God, draw my strength from Him and continue on this path! What tragedy or pain or suffering or misfortunes or loses have you encountered lately? What choice have you made, 1 or 2? My hope and prayer for every single person who reads this is that you know you DO have a choice, that's part of God's huge love plan for us and I pray you choose the 2nd option. And just like you are witnessing in our life that it doesn't necessarily mean less stresses and an easy life, but it does mean more strength as you hold on tight to the one who loves you more than you can comprehend!
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| We have been loving our family water time this summer |
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| She's so in love with her sister.. |
Praying for the peace that only God can give.
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