Today we celebrate her 3rd birthday. Some moments it's hard to believe it was 3 years ago that we witnessed a 5 pound miracle that the doctors wanted us to abort, other times it feels like forever since I laid my eyes on her sweet long body, and those luscious lips. She was amazing, we fell in love FAST and we began absorbing every second knowing they were fleeting from her first breathe!
Three years and we still get to talk about her, we still include her and we miss her more and more each day! I long for heaven now more than ever, I long for completion. To be sitting at Jesus' feet, one with my King and holding all my babies. Worshiping Him for what he has done, what he does and what He will continue to do; be the lover of my soul!
Our sweet little Zella will never replace Arabella, if anything it has made me miss her more! Seeing Zella go through all her baby milestones has me longing for those moments back with Arabella. I long to know what she would have looked like, how Mayla would have loved her, what her personality and demeanor would have been. Would the dark hair have stayed? Oh my heart longs for her and the aching arms will never go away.
Zella, Mayla and I were playing on the floor the other day and out of no where Mayla says, "Mom, wouldn't it have been awesome if Arabella stayed alive and it was us three girls?" A thump formed in my throat as Mayla had verbalized what I had thought many many times, "Yes Mayla, that would be amazing!"
#celebrateeverthing It was a part of our whole journey, from the 12 week ultrasound when we learned about that foreign word 'anencephaly' up to this day, that phrase is used often. I made a sign that hangs at the end of our hallway, sometimes I look at it and laugh. In 10 years how outdated will the whole 'hashtag' phrase be. Oh well...we love it. Other times I look at it and I'm taken back to those first few months and year without her, and how celebrating everything didn't really 'fit'. There were so many miserable moments and I had to learn to fight hard. Having my focus be on something other than the misery I was going through though made a DRASTIC difference to where I could be to where I am now! Before something goes into action, it's a thought. I had to train my brain. I was so deeply hurt and lost and even though many mommies have lost babies in all sorts of ways, I felt so alone! Men and women process differently, the one person who had been my team mate for years felt like a stranger to me, and to this day we are very different in regards to this and further brain training is still needed. Neither is wrong, just different. #celebrateeverything. When all I wanted to do was hold her and instead we were visiting her at a funeral home, I had to train my brain, surrender, and #celebrateeverything. When she's turning three and I want to hear her sweet voice, hold her hand, and kiss her cheeks, I have to train my brain, surrender and #celebrateeverything. This journey still has it's ripple effects and I'm forever grateful to the ones who continue to say something, continue to share her story and continue to journey with us! Arabella's journey has been a journey that reminds me of the cross. The ripple effect of Christ is something else I'm extremely grateful for. I"m thankful for the ones that continue to proclaim Him and talk about Him and journey towards heaven with us! We all have a choice for the trials we face, and I'm far from perfect and fail many many times a day, but I'm thankful for our journey and what I have been blessed to learn along the way!
Today was a continued lesson from Arabella's short life, I look at it as a little 'pop-quiz'. And for once I can say I PASSED. I, KERI, had plans...I had ideas for today and was holding them tight in my hands. You see, Arabella is no longer alive, but I'm still a mom, and even mommies with babies in the ground get ideas for birthdays and want the plans to go JUST right! God had different plans for my day and THAT was OK (I'm type A, and God knows)! A very fussy teething infant, a swimming, surfing, skiing, tubing, wake boarding mermaid, said fussy infant who at midnight is STILL crying. (I am managing a few sentences in between snuggles.....) jetski rides with Mayla driving, fussy infant, teaching people to ski and surf, laughs, cries, sharp object stuck in my 5 year olds foot, infant not eating, and an incredible sunset. No cake, no candles, no birthday singing, no lanterns, no birthday cake oreos, no presents (those were all the planned items in my head). Instead of a long winded graveside hang out, it was a 10pm drive by quick stop, and that's ok! It's ok because my God is bigger than all of that, and He's bigger than your to-do lists being disrupted too. I'm not a bad mom because what I wanted to do today didn't get done. I've been trying to do a better job waking up in the morning saying, TODAY is YOURS Lord, do as you please (I have been trying is the key word, not succeeding often is the reality). What are you holding so close right now that you don't think you can let go of..is it your agenda, your future, your kids, or your addictions? God wants them at the cross, He wants your day to be HIS day. Surrendered when you wake up, surrendered when you take a step, surrendered when you sit. You are His, YOU have been chosen the bible tells us and This God is big enough to help you handle what you don't think you can.
I started going through photos...I wish we had more, but what I find interesting is as many times as I have been through them new ones stick out and I see something I've missed before! God is SOOO good, it is Well with my soul! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GIRL!!!!!! You taught me to CHOOSE JOY!
Photo Credit:Kristy Berends Photography
Arabella Nani Ellis Born August 19th, 2015
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| Dear Jesus, this road is tough, but you WILL never leave us nor forsake us. Thank you for loving us so much you gave us Arabella and thank you for all who have journeyed with us!!!!! |
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