All my girls together, yet in different places.

The day was perfect, finally warm enough to melt the snow and reveal the words. Arabella Nani Ellis. The gravesite was accessible; the sun was warm, the wind was brisk and was a gentle reminder that winter was looming, but we were there, all my girls together, just not in a way I ever imagined!

"Arabella Nani, meet your little sister Zella Rae. Zella Rae, meet your big sister, Arabella Nani." The words rolled off my lips as the tears rolled down my cheeks.  I stood over the grave and tried to take in the moment. I celebrated the amazing gift I was holding so tightly in my arms, but longed for the one that lay down in the dirt. I didn't know how to react. We have Zella because we don't have Arabella, but yet I miss Arabella but couldn't ever imagine life without Zella. I just paused, breathed and prayed. "Lord Jesus, this is a place and a space I don't know how to do, but I know you get my longings, my feelings, my pain, my excitement and Lord I surrender it all to you. Thank you that you have known best since the beginning of time and since you formed me in my mothers womb." Just then I looked down to see Mayla kissing the grave as she was saying, "Arabella, it's us, YOUR sisters, we came to visit you, we love you SOOOO much, we have a new sister, her name is Zella!" And then off she ran to do a 'lap' around the path. My heart smiled, Mayla's joy was contagious as she bounded off I uttered the words, 'It is well, with my soul."

The grave visit was healing for me and something I had LONGED to do, but between snow, freezing temps, rain, wind and newborn life, it just didn't happen. Being there with my girls was something I envisioned many times, but like most things, how you envision it is never how it happens, and this time IT WAS BETTER! The pics I took speak volumes, just look at the joy radiating from Mayla...that JOY was what we all experienced and it was possible because of what God has done for us; sending His son to this world, a sinless man, dying on the cross so that we can live in freedom and have the opportunity to live eternally..and see Arabella again some day!

The time was joyous with many bubbles and sun shining down. 

Zella is ten weeks old and in raw blog honest fashion, it hasn't been all snuggles and cooing. It was a little ugly and emotionally I wasn't ready for it. Rainbow baby, that's Zella..meaning we have been through a storm, right, well, I walked out of the hospital feeling entitled (parenting problem number one). I thought the storms had passed and we have been through years of hardships, so our hard times had expired and we were due for nothing but bliss and blessings....HA, I can laugh now! First things, if you have been through a lot in life and think your time should be done, it doesn't matter, you're not in control. There is a reason, so strap up your sneakers, grab some caffeine (or chocolate in my case), and get ready to run the race in front of you, and grab some sane friends to join you, cuz ladies and gents, it's not safe to journey alone!

I cried, I lamented, I threw things, and I kept cleaning, cuz quite frankly that's the only thing I felt I knew how do to well, everything else seemed impossible. Zella was cranky, my husband was gone, Mayla was smothering, Zella's projectile was coating the floor and the walls and the sofa and the cushions, and I was trying to hold it all together and of course, make it look like I was doing it well, cuz that's what the world tells you you should do! Who is 'the world' anyways and why do we feel we need to live up to the standard of 'the world'? Does 'the world' come knock on our door and give us a grade? Does someone just stop by our house and evaluate us spontaneously and give us a prize if our house passes the white glove test and our kids don't whine and eat their broccoli at the same time? No, that doesn't happen, so I needed to figure out how to live differently! Mamma's stress and anxiety and pouting was not helping anyone.

Around 7 weeks was my breaking point. Will was working late, Mayla had just gone to bed and I thought It was going to be a 'calm' night. Zella started to projectile so bad she wasn't breathing. I started screaming for Mayla to get out of bed and find my phone, as she was sprinting around the house I was trying to get Zella to breathe and all rational thinking went out the door. And I'm sad to say I didn't even think to pray. As I grabbed my phone about to dial 911, Zella started breathing. I stood in the bathroom, baby puke lining the house from Zella's room to the bathroom and I just cried! Mayla wrapped her arms around my leg and with a joyful bliss said, 'Mommy, Papi is not here, but I'm here to help, should we give her a bath?" Mayla was a gift that night and God was blessing me through her. She thought this projectile stuff that got her out of bed and able to help was pretty cool! So Mayla and Mommy gave Zella a bath together and in the 10 weeks we have had her, it's one of my most sacred memories together; such a scary moment, turned into one of the most beautiful moments. I wish I had more hands that night and could have taken a picture and had a photo to share; It was the night I needed that I didn't know I needed.

I had taken every blessing and turned it into grumbling. I was making a mockery of God's grace, thinking he 'owed' me something. I was a discontent wife, looking for the bad and speaking negatively about my team mate. The joyous gifts around me were being stuffed and smothered by the mundane of motherhood and the ploys of the devil and I fell for them...UNTIL that night when God reminded me that all is from Him and Arabella didn't teach us to #celebrateeverything for no reason!!!!

#celebrateeverything #celebrateeverything #celebrateevertyhing #celebrateeverything

During this time I was trying to pick my word for the year, the word 'possible' kept popping up, but I thought over and over, 'no that's not it, I need something else.....and then there it was again, 'possible'. So I started to think, "actually that's the perfect word". I needed an all encompassing word and that one could be it. I needed positivity in my life instead of negativity, and that word was it! I instantly got stoked. I need to be more of a 'yes' wife and a 'yes' mom instead of always shooting down. I need to remember what my God did for me and therefore is possible to do for others; to love, to accept, to forgive and to offer grace. Possible is not only a word to apply to my actions, but to my heart as well. It's possible to have freeing from my past, it's possible to have continued healing from the loss of Arabella, it's possible to use scripture and do battle with the enemy when he wants to tear me down. When you start thinking things are possible, you want to to what it takes to see that happen, and I'm determined to live this year trusting in Jesus for him to show me the POSSIBLE, because only HE can do it and NOW is the time! Isaiah 41:10 is my verse. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you you with my righteous right hand."

What's your word for the year? In what ways can you have a 'mental shift' to help make life a little better for you and for those around you? What are you feeling 'entitled to' that you need to let go of? What areas can you go from grumbling to celebrating? NOW is the TIME!

Some fun pics from our photo shoot we had shortly after Zella was born. These photos are a massive blessing to me that I cherish and look at frequently. We can't thank Kim Zuidema Photography enough for capturing so many amazing moments with our family!