I will carry you!

What a joy it's been to carry her, to feel her, to love on her, to nurture her, to grow close to her, to cuddle her, to hold her, to laugh at her, dance with her, make memories with her, to feed her, provide for her, and to let her know that we love her with everything we have! I am and forever she will be my daughter. When does one become a mother? I've thought about this a lot throughout the pregnancy. I believe one starts her motherhood the moment she decides against any form of contraception or protection, at that moment she is agreeing to the fact that life could form inside her and she needs to prepare and plan for that to happen.  The moment that stick reads 'PREGNANT" (weeks before actually), you are a mother. You have responsibilities, that child is a gift given to you and you begin (HOPEFULLY) to care for that precious life. When the child is born you have already had 9 plus months of practice! Arabella has been a gift for 9 months, and I have decided to choose Joy every day of her life that I could mother her, and I will enjoy the days, hours, minutes and seconds we have left, as hard as they might possibly be!

Our days have been filled with a peace that could only come from the father. We have laughed, we have cried, we have danced, we have mourned and we have celebrated over the last week and we have done it with the help of you! Your prayers are felt, they abound around us and we can feel them! 

I continue to be amazed at how well I thought I was planning and prepping early on, only to be running around in these last few days searching for last minute items and still trying to finalize a birth plan! I had a total mommy freak out the other day while trying to pack for the hospital (yes still working on that one, ha). I pulled out the outfits we had for Arabella and just lost it. "Is this really what we are going to burry her in?" I showed Will in total disbelief that none of the hats matched the burial outfit and this was NOT ok to me! Based on his response and look (even though it was extremely loving), it was obviously a crazy hormonal female pregnant thing but I couldn't get over it. I laid in bed that night, unable to sleep and could not stop thinking about it. I have one chance, maybe two to pick out clothes and dress my daughter, that's it. I"m not a fashionable person by ANY means, but I want it to be perfect! 

We have also been spending a lot of time trying to think of as many possible keepsake items as we can for our family. Special gifts for Mayla and special things we can do with Arabella. We don't want any regrets and this has taken some thought and time! The hospital we have heard does a great job with this as well, but we would rather have extras then 'wish we hads'. 

The plan, Lord willing I make it, anything is possible, is that Will and I will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow night at 9:30pm (Yes wednesday night now). They will start with a softening tablet.  If the cervix is not ready, and they start the IV of pitocin, it can be worse for the baby so we hear. So they are making sure all the steps will have been met before continuing on. The softening tablet could be one time or two times or three times, just depends on how my body responds. After that they start the IV. She could come any time early thursday morning, thursday throughout the day or some time friday, there are no guarantees and no way of planning. She needs to take one breathe in order for any of her organs to be donated, this is obviously a HUGE prayer request that she meets this requirement and of course we would absolutely LOVE to have minutes with her alive! As soon as she passes, granted she takes that one breathe, we then would have one hour with her before we would have to give her over to the gift of life team for them to start their recovery. She then would come back to us about 2-3 hours later, bathed and dressed for us to have as much time with her as we would like. The gift of life team calls around to see what organs are needed, please join us in prayer especially for the heart valves that they can be used as most of the other things would only be going to research, which is fantastic, but the thought of part of her being able to live and save another life excites me and we are praying for the timing of it all! We surrender! 

From Jesus Calling: "Find me in the midst of the maelstrom. Sometimes events whirl around you so quickly that they become a blur. Whisper my Name in recognition that I am still with you. Without skipping a beat in the activities that occupy you, you find strength and Peace through praying my name more fully. Accept each day just as it comes to you. Do not waste your time and energy wishing for a different set of circumstances. Instead, trust Me enough to yield to my design and purposes. Remember that nothing can separate you from My loving Presence; you are mine." I do not have a single regret from the pregnancy, nor the way I mothered her. I easily could. Was something overlooked? Was something forgotten? Could the outlook have been different? I don't know and I won't ever know, but what I do know is that I didn't use the last 27 weeks trying to change it or figure it out. I accepted it, I chose joy and I learned how to be a better person for my family and my friends! I learned how to respond to day after day of tough choices, and each morning I got up and did it again, and each day with hope, grace and mercy. This story has never been about me, Will, Mayla or Arabella. This is Gods story and we are thankful he chose us. This is the same God that sees YOU, that knows YOU, that loves YOU. The same God that remembers the day you were a blotch of nothing waiting to be a something. The same God that thinks about you, and longs for you to know Him. It's the same God that sees you and I turn away from Him to other things. It's the same God who's heart breaks when we wander from one empty moment to another, it's also the same God that laid down his Life for the ones He created, and He did it without reservation- FOR YOU!!!! Why? Because He's crazy about you, wants you as His own. His love knows no bounds, and knows no limits. The depth and breadth and height of His love is beyond our comprehension. The only other love we have experienced has been limited, minute and insignificant but God's love transcends all other love. But it is your choice to accept or deny. You may know about this extravagant gift of love. You may have even accepted God's gift. But are you holding back? Afraid? Apprehensive? Unsure? What will this God ask of you? What will He require? God can see us comparing, judging, holding Him up to the light of others who have loved us and let us down, who have broken their promises and abandoned us. Remember. God loves you with an everlasting love. YOU are his most treasured possession. He WILL NOT let you go, abandon you or break His promises to you, that's not who He is. He longs for you to want him. Know Him. Come to Him. Surrender your very being to Him. For in the surrendering you will find life and in the knowing you will discover freedom. Will you open the door of your heart to His love? Will you step into an intimate, take your breath away love relationship with the one who knows you best and loves you most? He's waiting! 

I will step into that Hospital tomorrow night with God by my side and Will holding my hand. We have committed to each other to be better through this storm for each other and to be there for one another no matter the cost. We committed on our wedding day to walk through life with one another and God no matter what raged up around us. "A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 

Arabella Nani Ellis, we can't wait to lay our eyes on you, sweet daughter of ours! 

I WILL CARRY YOU - Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says?

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me

To carry you

The countdown is on....

Psalm 56:8

This bottle and bible verse showed up in the mail from a dear friend. It sits on my window ledge above my kitchen sink (where I feel I spend about 40% of my day), and I read it daily, multiple times. It's one of many bible verses that brings me comfort, when I read it I feel held, I feel like I matter, Arabella matters, and God really does care! It says, 'You keep track of ALL my sorrows,' (not only some), 'You have collected ALL my tears' (not only some), You have recorded EACH one in your book' (not only a few). If you cry in secret, God knows, if you have secret sorrows, God knows. He not only knows, He keeps track, He collects, and He records!!! He IS a God worth serving, He is a God worth knowing, He is the only God I will serve, and he tells me over and over that he cares, even when life and situations don't look like it!

Yesterday I was seeing and feeling the beginning signs of our earth quake that we know is fast approaching. We had an appointment with our OB to discuss the next steps, an appointment I was dreading to be honest! This appointment we would be deciding our delivery date, and essentially the day we will most likely lose Arabella. It's a day that I know will be on our calendar for the years to come, and it will be a celebration, but without the one physically present to celebrate. August 20th, 2015 was decided upon, and as soon as our OB left the room Will and I just clung to each other and lost it. That is one week ahead of our due date, and a day our OB is on duty at the hospital all day. She has become such a huge part of our journey and we are praying it works for her to deliver Arabella, completing the story of our journey together. Between the many variables going into the delivery and the projected outcome and the amount of people to inform we felt lead to schedule a day but wanted it as close to our due date as possible to allow Arabella as much time as possible to grow. That means we have nine days to go and the rollercoaster of emotions continues. The thought of meeting this little joyful girl just elates me, but the thought of having to say goodbye at the same time scares me; I fall to my knees and submit to the God who is bigger than anencephaly, the God who is the same yesterday, today and forever regardless of the outcome!

Minutes later, while tears were still streaming down our cheeks, in walked two wonderful ladies from the Gift of life team, part two of a really emotional appointment was about to begin. Up until now I had only spoke with them on the phone; seeing them in person, talking, and signing papers made a situation that seemed like a distant event, very real. We discussed what the day events could look like, their procedure, and what we could donate. The thought of Arabella's tiny body parts being given to research and potentially saving another life brought me joy but not without tears and a torn feeling in my heart! The tears just streamed down my face as I sat there and prayed for them to be able to use all her organs, and at the same time prayed they wouldn't be able to use a single part of her becuase she would be perfectly healed and we get to keep her! As we agreed to donate heart valves, heart cells, the kidney, the liver, the stomach and the pancreas, Arabella kicked and punched and squirmed about. All I could think was her? Our daughter? this life moving about so rambunctiously inside me? How can it be? And to my knees I fall.

Nine days for us to love her with everything we have, nine days to share our life with her, nine days to care for her, nurture her, say good morning and good night to her, nine days to laugh with her, nine days to hold her, snuggle her, nine days to continue sharing how much Jesus loves her, just nine more days to carry her; I choose JOY and to my knees I fall.

We continue to pray for those that read these words, we Thank God for you. We pray that this God we write of is real to you, and we pray that if he's not, you will be open to exploring what a relationship with him looks like. He created you, he cares for you, and he's waiting for you. Most people don't know the hours or minutes that are left in their loved ones lives, we aren't certain either. But we continue to love, we continue to forgive and continue to give grace. Who in your life needs to hear from you that you love them, you forgive them, and who needs your grace. Life is too short and unexpected to live like you're in control, you aren't. And life is too long to live in regret.

'And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm'.

-Casting Crowns Praise You in this storm

Surrender

My stomach does the wave, then you see a massive protrusion, then nothing, then within seconds you feel a jab to the rib cage and more protrusions, then hiccups......Arabella's life is predicted to be short, but the amount she is moving now gives me no indication of that happening. With her weighing in at an estimated 6 pounds, her movements have been rather intense lately and she's making her presence known and I love every second. I'm at the stage of the pregnancy where i'm lucky to make it more than 2 hours at night in between bathroom visits, majority of that time just after waking up, Arabella joins in on the party and squirms about. I lay in bed holding my stomach, holding her, bonding, smiling. I welcome the snuggle time we get and thank God for that gift! The gift of her movement is HUGE as we still realize we can lose her at any second, so when I wake up in the morning and she wakes up too, my heart sings and I praise God for another day I get to spend with her, loving on her, caring for her, and having her in our lives! Every thing we do, she's a big part of too! If this is all we get of  her life, we are going to help her live it to the fullest! 

Mayla trying to hear Arabella's heartbeat. 

We have been trying to spend more time preparing Mayla for what the coming weeks might look like. Talk about heart wrenching and yet so innocent at the same time! Mayla and I were laying in her bed the other morning, like we do almost every morning, and after we got done praying together for Baby Nani, we were holding the Nani Bear and I said, 'Mayla, do you know there is a chance God won't grant us the miracle we have been praying for and he could possibly decide to have baby Nani go to heaven instead of come home with us?' She got this way serious look, she thought for a moment and then said, 'go down'. She was trying to make a connection, and the only other time she has constantly heard us talk about heaven is with her Great Grandma that passed away in February. She knows her body went down into the ground but she lives up in heaven. Since the cemetery is close by our house this was a huge discussion of ours for months and is now becoming one again! At times I think, are we seriously having these discussions with a toddler? The baby she has loved on for MONTHS, kissed, talked to, rubbed,  and called 'her own sister',  I'm now telling her that she won't be coming home with us? Really? We are talking about heaven instead of all the things we want to do with her little sister here on this earth? 'Just as a drought drives the roots of a tree deeper to find water, so suffering can drive us beyond superficial acceptance of truth to dependence on God for hope and life.'

We had an ultrasound last week, and I asked a question that I had not asked until that point, 'can you tell the severity of her anencephaly? It was never talked about in a single appointment, and part of me was okay with that, another part of me just wanted to know. She said it was very difficult at this stage, but looked like she was missing the whole frontal part of her skull from the eyes up but had the back part present. She once again tried to get a closer look, a profile image, a 3D image, something, but our little mystery baby continued her hiding! She had her head so far nestled into me that she was only able to get her ear this time and a foot, but what a cute ear and foot it is! I smiled and fell more in love as I visualized her taking advantage of the snuggle time she has with me as much as I am with her.

I'm 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant, this storm started over 25 weeks ago and has gone from a hurricane to a light rain storm to a torrential down pour, and we are trying to gear up for an earthquake, but honestly we can't. We imagine, we talk, we read, we cry, we pray, we hold each other, but still nothing we do is going to prepare us for what is to come! How do you prepare to say goodbye to someone you thought you would raise, someone you have so many dreams for.......I surrender!

For the first time throughout the whole pregnancy, I feel pregnant. This pregnancy has been amazing, I have felt incredible, running well into 7 months and still skiing at 8 months, but my body is now telling me to chill a bit, and I'm trying to listen! Braxton hicks have been happening more frequently, other random cramping and I get an occasional feeling Arabella is trying to make an early entrance, which of course we don't want. It's been an incredible, blessed, and humbling journey. Over the course of these 25 weeks, and especially as we get closer to the end, a number of friends/loved ones/even strangers have asked how they can help, what they can do; THANK YOU! We honestly can not tell/show each of you how much you all mean to us, your prayers, cards, texts, emails, gifts and generosity have overwhelmed us and brought us to tears of thanksgiving and praise to our father for the outpouring of love we have received. As far as the, 'how can I/we help' question, that is always a tough one, as the majority of the time we honestly don't know what we need in that moment. Another thing that's hard about that question is most of the day we've already made 1000 decisions we didn't feel like making, or thinking about things that no mother or father to be should have to think about that we honestly can not process one more thing. We have said this a lot, but prayer is huge, they are felt, they are needed, we love them and welcome them. Meals are fabulous. After going throughout the day wondering if 'this is a song' we want to play at her funeral? Or did we pick out the right outfit for the one day she will live? Dinner is the least of our worries, if you text me you're bringing food by, I will not say no! We will lift our hands in praise and forever be grateful. If you can't cook, or live out of town, we welcome pizza deliveries to our house as well:)

I recently came across this on a sign in a store and knew it would be the perfect addition to our walls! It sits across from the couch we most frequently use and I read it multiple times throughout the day! "In our family, we have faith, believe in grace, trust in God, expect miracles, give thanks, pray always, love one another, choose joy."

I long for more time, I long for more kicks, I long for more opportunities, I long for her life.....and I surrender. For you created Arabella's inmost being; you knit her together in my womb. I praise you becuase she is fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well....and I surrender!

All to you, we surrender; all to you we freely give...

I think she's already spent more time in a lake/pool or river than most 4 year olds.

What's in a name???

Since our first pregnancy, we've had a running list of names we think are cool. Why? Come on, who doesn't want their kid to have a cool name? We're no different!

 

When we got pregnant with Baby Nani, we naturally gravitated to, "what do we call him or her?" The search once again began and because we did not yet know the gender, we were searching for both. However, we've got a couple solid boy names so we really didn't search too hard there.

We've mentioned before that Mayla gave us the name, Nani. We have NO CLUE where she got that from, but Google tells us it means "Grace", so it must be true, and we are running with it. At the time we didn't realize it, but we need an abundance of grace with this pregnancy.

Once we were given the Baby Nani's prognosis in week 12, shortly after finding out the gender, we felt a sense of urgency to give her a name, just in case. Around the 14th or 15th week, Keri was perusing the dark, deep caverns of the world wide web and found a name that she instantly fell in love with. It is... not yet sillies!

Before we decided the name was a go, it was important to us, for some reason, to know the meaning behind the name. I've had multiple times in life where I step back and see God's hand at work and marvel at how he cares for even the smallest things, e.g. names. The name we have chosen for Baby Nani means "yielding to prayer." Well, that settled it, first name done, on to the middle name.

Baby Nani's middle name didn't really take much time, or even thought. Throughout this entire pregnancy, Mayla has had an incredible connection to Baby Nani. And since Mayla provided the womb name, which incredibly means "Grace", so it is, done!

So all that said, I give you... just kidding.

So why are we giving the name you may be asking? Good question! Normally we wouldn't give the name prior to birth because it's something special for our family to hold on to until the proper time. Well this situation is a bit different. There are already a VERY select handful of people that know Nani's name, doctors, nurses, amazing photographer, and a couple others who have asked so they can, out of the kindness of their beautiful and generous hearts, make something special for our special little girl. We decided since the prognosis is grim for Baby Nani, that we want as many to know her as possible, and part of that is her name.

We are super stoked about the coming birth of our precious little girl and we long to call her by name, fact-to-beautiful-God-given-face. We recently had a photo session with a blessed friend of ours and staged some fun photos of her name. All that said, we are excited to share the name of our little girl...

Arabella Nani Ellis

We continuously yield to him in prayer (Arabella) and pray for his grace (Nani) on us and on you as we walk this road together. We also thank you for your continued prayers, encouragement, support, and grace, and we pray that God may bless you through the story and life of Arabella, just as he has us. ~Will

Our hearts feel a little more torn....

....but our hope remains in Him! 

Psalm 42:5 

Why, my soul, are you downcast? 

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, 

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

Our sweet little baby Nani was bringing about some serious smiles today in the ultrasound room by her inability to cooperate. No matter where that little wand (transducer) was put, she was there with a fist, knee, or foot to promptly kick it away. The best was when we actually all watched it happen live on the screen, she took her fist and punched it, almost as if it was a 3d movie, we watched and chuckled. The tech was even having some good laughs! Despite the laughing I was a bit saddened as it's such a huge want of mine to have a good solid pic of her! Part of us has a secret desire that it's God' humor showing through and him not allowing us to 'properly' see little miss, to keep her a mystery till the day she is born. That's where the fine line comes into play, the line that has been there the WHOLE pregnancy. The majority of us that is craving, desiring and dreaming up a miracle, yet the other part of us that needs to prepare somehow, too, for what reality could be! After a light hearted fun ultrasound appointment watching her bounce around on the screen and hear that everything was within 'normal' ranges and celebrating that huge news, we were side swiped by reality meeting with neonatal, a social worker and the bereavement worker from spectrum. Nothing could have prepared me for that meeting!

Being pregnant and having life roll around and punch inside you at the same time you are hearing a doctor discuss starving that life if she was not going to survive is one of the HARDEST emotions to possibly describe! BROKEN! The decisions, the emotions, the thoughts and the numbness were over the top within that small room. ME? US? OUR BABY? REALLY LORD? Nothing made sense, yet I kept hearing over and over......"I am the same yesterday, today and tomorrow" -Hebrews 13:8. God was the same sitting in that meeting as he was before I walked into that meeting! "'For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jer. 29:11. If we knew before we had Mayla that her heart would need fixing, we might not have decided to get pregnant, we did have her and we are thankful! God gives us LIMITED understanding, no knowledge of the future and the ONLY thing he tells us over and over in the bible is he will take care of us! THAT is true and that's what we know!!! That hope is the hope we choose to cling to, no matter the battle that rages! 

There's one thing going on a hospital tour, there's another thing about doing a hospital tour and seeing the room your daughter has a 99% chance of dying in. Yet our hope remains in Him. 

My God is bigger than anencephaly, and he's bigger than us. In the end,we want what he wants!

two separate pics, two separate rejections!!She has her arms/hands totally crossed in front of her face.. 

she knew the paparazzi were trying to sneak in on her..and we fell more in love!!!!

What not to expect when you're expecting...

Three years ago to this day I was surrounded by loving friends, cute little presents all wrapped in sweetness and baby decorations streaming from every corner of the room, it was a baby shower for Mayla. Today I met with a funeral director. One held so many laughs, so many dreams and so much excitement. And the other; lost dreams, a sobering reality, and tears.

It was a day that I knew was coming for months now, but yet one I wanted to run from. Some times I think if I just ignore it, or don't make the phone call, everything will be ok. Our funeral guy just so happens to be my brother in law. At times it's a great connection to have (in an awkward sort of way), other times like tonight, it's the last thing you want it to be. You know that the man sitting across from you is not only discussing these plans for OUR daughter, but yet his future niece. The pain is felt on both sides of the table. His words, guidance and advice held a lot of meaning. I kept wondering if this was really happening, were we really sitting there planning for OUR daughter. I kept trying to remove myself from the situation and think it was someone else we were getting information for, but that only lasted so long before something would make it extremely real and the tears would flow. I clung to Will's arm as the nights cool breeze brushed past us, the warmth of his body felt good next to mine and I was thankful for Him in that dark moment and glad we had each other to lean on during this time.

I've been reading more and more that it's not uncommon for babies with anencephaly to make their entrance early into the world, this coupled with some different things i'm feeling lately has me in a bit of 'go mode'. I'm realizing that everything i've been thinking about and planning for the last couple months really should be crossed of the to do list, no matter how much I hate to do it and tonight was one of those things. The little itty bitty casket that we had just talked to my brother in law about, the one that would hold our daughter, needed to have an outfit go along with it, so tonight was Will and Keri funeral shopping night and it was hard! As one hand fiddled through hangers and outfits, my other hand rested on my bouncing belly. Were we really suppose to be picking out a burial outfit for the jumping, flipping, spinning, vibrant life that was inside me? It seemed impossible. Overall I was holding up ok until I came across a shirt that said, 'little sister'! The tears flowed fast, and as I pulled it off the rack I felt 1000 dreams fly away to a place they will forever stay. I held that shirt and no matter what the price tag said was going to buy it. No matter if she lives 1 day or 1 second, she will be Mayla's little sister and it was worth her having a shirt to celebrate and claim that title! What I was most thankful for tonight, that fact that we made it in and out of every store with out a single person asking me a single question or making a single comment about what was bought, that would have been too much, I was SOO thankful for that answered prayer.

When we had Mayla we always use to joke, and even wrote about it during her birth, that everything we were going through as new parents was in NO baby book. NOTHING prepared us for what we were going through with her, and likewise here we are again. We always talked about writing a book titled, "What not to expect when you are expecting"! We joked about it forever, however we are becoming experts on this subject. We just wanted to fit into a book somewhere, to feel like we were part of the 'norm'. We wanted Part 4, 'After the baby is born' to be a part that pertained to us, but it wasn't then and it won't be now. Our part 4 now is: 1. Have you contacted Hospice 2. Have you made arrangements with the funeral home 3. What will your baby be buried in? 4. What will you tell the toddler at home who is wondering how come the new baby can't come home? and 5. How will you cope?

Overall i'm still feeling pretty energized, and healthy, but just like imagined, things are getting tougher! I'm soooooo looking forward to laying my eyes on this wonderful bundle that has been flipping and flopping and punching and kicking inside me, and has become such a big part of our days, but at the same time what's hard is knowing that birth and death could come in the same day and for that reason I want to stay pregnant. Right now she is protected, thriving and growing, and from what I read, I know that as soon as labor starts, that process is going to go down hill. Labor will follow the same road that the whole pregnancy has, there will be a massive mix of emotions as that day rolls around.

This Friday we FINALLY have our long awaited ultrasound. We are beyond excited to see her, get more pictures, get an update on how she is doing and check my amniotic fluid levels. Combined with this appointment is also an appointment with the neonatal team and a bereavement counselor. It will be a jam packed afternoon filled with an array of emotions that i'm already praying over and would love your prayers for too.

I'm days away from being 33 weeks pregnant and the nursery is still empty, baby clothes from the past that I was eagerly looking forward to using again one day still sit in boxes in the basement. Baby toys and baby bottles still left for the dust to collect in them. Seven weeks to go, and the eager excitement and baby paraphernalia that usually comes with a pregnancy at this stage is non existent. And the pain is deep! I've been reading in Job lately, and that man had a LOT of pain; a LOT of loses and a lot of things that made no sense to him what so ever while he was in the midst of storm after storm after storm. Job realized he only had two choices though: (1) he could curse God and give up or (2) he could trust God and draw strength from him and continue. Despite the heartache, the battles and the storm that rages, I continue to trust God, draw my strength from Him and continue on this path! What tragedy or pain or suffering or misfortunes or loses have you encountered lately? What choice have you made, 1 or 2? My hope and prayer for every single person who reads this is that you know you DO have a choice, that's part of God's huge love plan for us and I pray you choose the 2nd option. And just like you are witnessing in our life that it doesn't necessarily mean less stresses and an easy life, but it does mean more strength as you hold on tight to the one who loves you more than you can comprehend!

We have been loving our family water time this summer

She's so in love with her sister..

Donuts, Bears and Bandaids

My mind is going a hundred miles per hour, but when I sit to write, I can only think and it seems almost impossible to formulate any type of rhythm for a proper sentence. My mind is lost in the sound of the rain drops, falling sideways hitting our house, the breeze that is blowing the curtains in such a way it's captivating, the smell that is coming through the open windows that smells like a mix between spring and autumn. Today the weather matches my feelings exactly; the rain as it hits the pavement reminds me of the tears I have shed today and how they fell so fast to the floor, covering the carpet at church, just like they are covering the ground outside. The shuffling of the fully covered trees reminds me of the shuffling baby Nani is doing inside my body, she too full of so much life as are the trees, both growing more and more, becoming fuller and fuller. And some trees seem to be struggling to hold their ground against the wind, wanting to stand up right, but being blown side to side, reminds me of how I have days (like today) where I feel I can't stand straight upwards, i'm blown about from side to side, trying to find a balance to the pulling of emotions that I'm experiencing!

Today was a day i've been looking forward to for a while, but also a day I was dreading. That seems to be the norm lately. Throughout this journey i've really been wrestling with how and what to tell Mayla in regards to baby Nani's condition. For a while it seemed like not saying anything was the route to go, and that was perfect....for a time. Then I felt God calling me it was time to tell her, however I had NO idea what that was going to look like. It was during that time I was reading a book a friend recommend to me by Angie Smith called, 'I Will Carry You'. It's an amazing book about her family's journey through infant loss and I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone in this situation or close to a situation like it! And her idea hit home HUGE with me, so I stole it completely. When something's good, it's good:) I happened to be in a hallmark store getting a gift for a friend when I turned around and saw all the cute baby gifts, my eyes scanned the shelves intently and my heart lept for joy when my eyes came across exactly what I was looking for; A big bear holding a little bear, which would represent Mayla and Baby Nani. I've had these bears for weeks now, hidden in the closet, wanting to pull them out and hold them, but also wanting them to stay in the closet and not discuss this with Mayla. I finally faced the fear and together as a family we had a very special moment together. We explained to Mayla that baby Nani has a big owie on her head, and we put bandaids on the head of the Baby Nani bear, Cars bandaids to be exact. Mayla is big into Cars, and if you know me, I'm not the fairy or princess type so by NO means was I going to adorn the Baby Nani bear in those, and FOR SURE no Hello Kitty!!! Mayla placed two on her head, and we explained that we would take the bandaids off when God healed baby Nani, confident healing will happen either in this life or when He takes her home to heaven. Then we all held the bears and prayed together! We encouraged Mayla that the Baby Nani bear would be a reminder to pray for her when we saw it. What I really liked about the Bears was, well, there were two of them. I LOVED that we could have one symbolize Mayla to try and bring it closer to her level and I LOVED how the bigger one was holding the smaller one. It was a tender moment. She lightened it up when she proceeded to want to open all the bandaids and cover her own bear and her body! I"m not sure how much she has gotten out of it, but I do know that not only is this part of Will and I's story, but it's part of hers too, and we want to make sure she is a part of it in every way, and pointing her to Christ in all we do is part of our family vision too!

We started the moment with family donuts after church, always fun!

The bears were attached together, the symbolization of having to cut baby Nani lose from our grip was hard for me, I wanted her to stay attached to our family, to keep the siblings close, but realized it was out of my control and this little action of cutting was HUGE for me. 

When I placed the Baby Nani bear in the arms of the Mayla bear, she was facing out. Mayla turned her around so she was facing her when they hugged, it warmed my heart! She's already an amazing big sister!

The winds keep coming, the rain continues to fall, the trees continue to blow, the storm continues to come in, and through it all, God is still God, God is Love. Some trees do fall in the storm, some parts of trees rip off, some roads break from the rain, the pavement can't stand up to the force, some windows break, or roofs are lost, my goal through this storm is to not break, but to lean on the one who can comfort me more than any other. My goal is to allow the storm to shake me, to move me, and to blow me about, but for me to keep my course, to run the race in front of me with perseverance and endurance! There will be injuries and pain along the way, and that's ok. Some of you may be thinking, 'How in the world can you love the one you call God, Father, for giving you this situation, a child without a fully developed skull, who is only to survive for a mere few minutes or few hours; how can you thank Him, how can you love Him more and how can you call out to Him for help when He's the one who did this?!' And I simply answer by saying becuase HE has done so much more!!!!!!! By giving us His one and only Son, having Jesus die on the cross so that WE don't have to live in a world of pain and hurt and anencephalic children forever, but can live an eternal life with no sin, no pain, no tears. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain..." Revelation 21:4 AND this is worth celebrating no matter what gets thrown at us now. God is so big and I'm glad we can't understand him, becuase if we could wrap our little minds around exactly who He is and what and why he does things, then would he really be a God worth serving? MY GOD IS HUGE!!!!!